Category: January

(Saturday, February 2, 2013. The Coconut Telegraph is no published on Saturdays.)

[Whiteflys] My trees are dying and our cars and boat are covered with whitefly sticky mildew. White fly infestation is killing my coconut palms. The outer leaves are all discolored and dying. Last Friday I sprayed my palms and gumbo limbo trees with Safari Insecticide because they were too tall to spray the leaves. Spraying the leaves would have been a hell of a lot cheaper than the Safari. That stuff costs $400 a gallon and it didn’t go as far as I hoped it would. I sprinkled the liquid mixture around the base of the palms where I could and sprayed it and some liquid to make it stick, on the trunks of the other tall trees. I bought some fifteen dollar stuff at John’s T.V. to spray my bushes’ leaves. I hope this works as I can’t be paying $400 for a gallon of stuff all the time.

[MILF] For the longest time I wondered what this stood for. MILF = Man, I Love Fridays!

[Escaping a Riot] In the late 60s I was driving a taxi and took a fare to the ghetto where they were rioting, but I didn’t know they were having a riot. I drove towards the crowd thinking they were partying or just hanging about as they do. They weren’t. They surrounded my cab and were pounding on it and yelling, so I floored it and took off. I’m ok.

I bought this fern, minus pot, at John’s True Value here on Big Pine for under ten bucks! I didn’t realize he had such a nice garden area with such cheap plants.

I’m throwing a party, and I’m looking for someone local who could roast a pig for us. It’s not a catering gig as we only need the pig cooked on site. Any advice? We could do it ourselves too, if someone could point us in the direction on how to buy a whole pig and a roaster rental. 

[Tonsils] They took mine out when I was 13 to try to stop my constant ear-aches which were damaging my hearing. It worked great because I never had one since and I’m 61 now.

[Crooks] Cay Clubs who swept through the Keys during the real estate boon was a Ponzi scheme. They had no intentions of doing anything for it’s shareholders except take their money. Key Largo couple Fred “Dave” Clark and his then-girlfriend, now wife, Cristal Coleman, lived large off other people’s money for a few frenzied years, luring some 1,400 investors to pour a collective $300 million into their pockets. The couple had over 150 bank accounts. Cay Clubs was never a legitimate firm, the SEC said. It was not incorporated in any state, but rather was a patchwork of about 100 entities controlled by Dave Clark, Cristal Coleman and David Schwarz.

The couple, along with three cohorts, promised to renovate old condominium complexes at 17 locations, including the Florida Keys, central Florida and Las Vegas, into luxury “five star” resorts with lavish amenities. Ultimately, the company renovated only a few of the Clearwater and Las Vegas units, and never converted a single property into a luxury resort.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like, ‘I’ve got nothing man.”

War Birds from a bygone era in Marathon this weekend.

[America is Not Great] Sad but so true. Thanks for trying to inform the public. Yah, I know: love it or leave it.

U.S.1 among Nation’s most scenic. Link

[Illegal Rental Police] Coming to a Key near you? Islamorada may hire a full time employee to track down illegal vacation rentals. Link

Shrimp Po’ Boys recipe. Link

The last vestiges of peace and tranquility comprising the Upper Keys may be taken from us. The Dagny Johnson Key Largo Hammock Botanical State Park, on county road 905, might be turned into a Mountain Bike Track.

The newly formed Key Largo Bicycle Association wants the taxpayers to pay for the construction of some risky and artificially built terrain features, so that this latest group of thrill seekers may pursue an additional adrenalin rush. The erected barriers and obstacles that they desire would be destructive to the environment. It would impede the present use of our beautifully designed trails.

These bike trails can take a cyclist desiring a back-country experience to the interior of the park. They offer the rider a scarce glimpse of the peace, quite and natural beauty that once predominated the Keys.

Apparently, these mountain bike riders and their association are not satisfied with the many miles of extraordinary trails that have been developed. They want to make what’s left of our fragile aquatic ecosystem into a replica of the synthetically developed mountain bike parks in Miami.

I was involved with saving this park from complete destruction. Around sunset I came upon a fire raging near approximately 200 downed wooden telephone poles, deep within the park. It’s speculated that a group of teenagers roaming through the area set the fire, while lighting off fireworks.

We do not need unsupervised adolescents riding their bikes over the dangerous and risky terrain features requested by the mountain bikers and their association. Drawing people to an isolated section of the park so that they may participate in mastering hazardous bike obstacles, is a remedy for disaster. It is not necessary, as a natural unpaved trail, with all the challenges that goes along with it, already exists.

I’ve spoken directly to the individual heading up this proposal. I told him that I am dead set against it. He is a man of integrity and an excellent craftsman. I emphatically trust his professional knowledge and expertise. However, I cannot remain silent and allow this destructive request to proceed unchallenged.  ~John Donnelly 

Politicians have lost respect for the Key’s environment. County Commissioners will be considering in the near future bringing back incinerators to burn trash.  The contract will not go out to bid, it has already  been handed to one of the Mayor’s  developer friend.  They are planning  to place this monstrosity in the Lower Keys. 

We need to protect our air  quality!  Let your Commissioner know that if they want to be re-elected  they will not support this madness.  Kolhage 292-3440, Neugent  872-1678, Carruthers 292-3430, Rice 389-6000, Murphy 453-8787.

[Cats] We should take all those Stinking loose cats people let roam (if you let your dog roam, a cat lady is the first to call the pound) and take them to the Everglades and let them roam and the take on or get eaten by all the Burmese pythons!

Rabbit and cat love. Link

I went to Coconuts’ last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. “

[Who’s The Biggest Loser?] What’s called the Big Pine Key Area Weight Loss Challenge inspired by TV’s “The Biggest Loser” is coming to the Lower Keys. Led by wellness coach Susan Knowles of Big Pine, the 12-week nonprofit course offers tips on nutrition and exercise, along with the flair of competition. There are payouts for the winners.

Participants will weigh in each week, and the three with the highest percentage of weight loss at the end of the program will split most of the participant fees collected. It’s based on percentage, which makes it an equal competition for men and women.

“Our goal is to encourage people to lose weight and inches and get healthy by eating a healthy level of protein and calories each day, and teach the benefits of good nutrition and exercise,” Knowles says.

Participants can use any weight-loss program they’d like, whether it’s Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Herbalife or a customized plan. Cost is $35 for the 12 weeks. Of that, $25 will go to the three winners and the other $10 will be donated to the BigPineAcademy charter school. Failure to weigh in during any given week costs you $2. There’s also a dollar-a-pound fee for weight gained in any given week. Those fees will be added to the cash payout.

The Big Pine Key Are Weight Loss Challenge begins Feb. 5 or Feb. 7 at 7 p.m. at St. Peter Catholic Church, Big Pine Key. To register or for more information, call Knowles at (305) 240-2483.

[Howard Livingston] It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It is 77 degrees right now heading to 81 later today with a stiff 25 MPH breeze. Wow, I sound like a weatherman, well not really, I just read it off my phone. But it sounds official. While having coffee this morning on our porch Cynderella started swatting her legs between sips of our favorite java. After a few minutes she proclaimed that something was biting her. They were not biting me and my philosophical opinion on this is the coconut rum is a deterrent. I have no idea if this is the case but is gives me a constructive reason to enjoy my favorite drinkable fruit.

Now back to the biting. A quick look around the porch and the cause become apparent. There were holes in our screen. We have had holes before. Our previous ones were from a hurricane and took 5 years for me to repair them. I was always fixin’ to get ready to get’er done. Anyway, these new holes are there for a more lovable reason. The new openings are the result of an ongoing sporting competition between our two puppies. The event is called “I have the ball and you don’t.” There are few rules in this rivalry and no time limit. It goes on for 12 to 14 hours each day. Techniques to get the ball include biting, ramming and jumping on the opponent and the backboard seems to be our railing on the porch and the fragile screen that protects us from the outside insect world. Well, I probably will be stopping to get some fly swatters next time I am out as my previous record on screen replacement has not been stellar. In fact I just realized that I have a new immediate fire to extinguish. Anderson has taken a liking to our coral table and is eating it. The screen will have to wait.

We have a fun week coming up and I am hoping you can join us tonight, Friday, February 1st Boondocks Ramrod Key Florida 6:30 Meet and Greet and Show Starts at 7:00 PM. Come party with us at the largest tiki bar in the Florida Keys and one of our favorite spots. The concert is free and open to the public. We are also shooting for an upcoming music video. So if you would like to be a star come join us. Boondocks Grille & Draft House 27205 US Hwy 1 Ramrod Key, FL. You can reserve a guaranteed table available for a fee by visiting Link

Our Schedule 

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah, She’s purty good lookin’.”

[Surveillance] Accidental cell phone 911 call sends police to wannabe drug dealers location for arrest. Carriers are providing government agencies with real time location information of all cell phones 8 time an hour, thus they can track your past and present locations. Keep this in mind if your ever lost at sea or falsely accused of a crime. Link

[Here, kitty, kitty..] Refuges’ management plan targets feral cats. Link

[Floating Hotel] Financing hindering on-the-water resort. Tentative room costs start at $600 per night (meals and shuttle included; alcohol and boat rentals extra). Shuttle and support boats for the resort would be based in Key West. Link

Sheriff’s office & K.W.P.D. hold citizen police academies. Link 

The problems of women in combat – from a female combat vet. Link

Yard Sale on Saturday, Feb 2nd, 2013 at 27335 Guadaloupe Ln, Ramrod Key from 8AM – 2PM. Assorted household items, toiletries, etc. Classified Ads

Most of those quotes from yesterday’s CT were not from comedian Stephen Wright. Nor was he a “scientist.” The quote, “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” was his. Most of the others are quotes from other people, and sayings from T-shirts and bumper stickers. Shoddy research. Just shoddy… and disrespectful.

As I am a longtime fan own all of Stephen Wright’s comedy albums, let me list some actual quotes from him here.

 • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

 • Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.

 • What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

 • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

 • When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

 • I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

 • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

 • I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, “Cut it out!”

 • I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

 • I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think “Hey, maybe I wrote that.”

 • I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

 • I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.” I said “Oops . . .”

 • I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

 • I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

 • My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.

 • I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.

 • I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

 • I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

 • I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

 • I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

 • I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

 • My school colors were clear.

 • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

 • I’m taking La maze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.

 • When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, “I want my daughter back by 8:15.” I said, “The middle of August? Cool!”

 • My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

Prime Rib Dinner    Live Music

I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn’t take and that you’re a demon who must be destroyed. 

[More bar wisdom] It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty… it’s clearly almost time to order another drink.

[Grants] United Way of the Florida Keys. Funding for 2013-14 is available for non-profit programs in Monroe County providing quality, nutritious food for the hungry, and/or focusing on making life better for children. The United Way board may also choose to allocate up to 10% of the total funding pool for emergency and disaster services (historically American Red Cross and Helpline 2-1-1).
Application available at: http://keysunitedway.org
Questions: United Way of the Florida Keys at 305-735-1929
Due date: March 15, 2013

[Insect Repellent] Amazing footage of how little forest dwelling monkeys use Piper leaves (which have insect repellent properties) to protect themselves against the same unpleasant nip a mosquito would give you or I! From the BBC’s Life of Mammals documentary series. Link

[Tracking and Data Relay Satellite Launches] The umbilical tower drops back from a United Launch Alliance Atlas V 401 rocket as it lifts off Space Launch Complex 41 on Cape Canaveral Air Force Station in Florida. Launch, with NASA’s Tracking and Data Relay Satellite-K or TDRS-K aboard, was at 8:48 p.m. EST on Jan. 30.

The TDRS-K spacecraft is part of the next-generation series in the Tracking and Data Relay Satellite System, a constellation of space-based communication satellites providing tracking, telemetry, command and high-bandwidth data return services.

The Boy Scouts may be considering allowing gays, but they still deserve a Badge of Dishonor for excluding atheists. “To do my duty to God and my Country.”

The problem with a cat owner who “see’s the light” and now wants to keep his outdoor cat inside, can’t! Have you ever tried to keep an inside cat in? The cat will drive you batty meowing and pestering you until you let it out. You could kill it, but you wife would get madder.

Cat owners who let their cats roam free no matter what the consequences to our birds, marsh rabbits, snakes, etc. will just not be dissuaded. Yesterday’s post with the link provided was really disturbing. Is there any hope for our marsh rabbits? A family I know just got a 2nd cat because one died. One of them brought a baby marsh rabbit home that it had killed. Cat owners simply don’t care about conserving our precious wildlife, they just say they do.

[“America Is Not Great”] Only someone with their head in the sand would not realize that our glory days are over. We don’t win wars any more, our country is divided, our manufacturing superiority is gone, senseless violence is rampant. Americans is so dangerous that we are arming ourselves just to go to the store. I love being an American even though I don’t love America any more since it became, as someone re-named it, USA Inc.

We don’t put people first any longer or think of the common good. The phrase common good is almost meaningless now. Hate is big business here,  just look at the political section on the CT and see what people think or go to the right wing sites and be scared for us.

The Tea Party is one symptom of our decline.

[No Name Electric] Sometimes I wish I was a judge. I’d tell the people sewing the county for not letting No name have electric to get the hell out of here. 

Bear surprises Samsung crew on washing machine shoot. Link 

[Captain Doom and Gloom] Can you get a traffic ticket riding in traffic if you are not on the Bike Path if there is one?  What happened to all the bike laws for helmets, reflectors, lights, etc? Guess they forgot about them, huh?

Florida should have drive-through abortion clinics. After all, it was a quickie that started it all!

Snowbirds must all fly to get to the Keys, because they sure as hell would never make it driving!

The new gripe is the Boy Scouts and gays. So what about the girl scouts? Look at all religions have guys wearing dresses. Probably half the world is bent in one form or another. Oh, they are not in the news yet to sell commercials!?

“You’ve got to be a idiot to drive a smart car” Childish humor of course, but if not, then smart cars are designed for inter city driving, and huge 4×4 monsters for off-road. What do you dive, where and who is the idiot?

[Birther v Truther] I’m sorry about the post that I sent on Wednesday. What I meant to say was that now that now that FTR has admitted to beng a “birther”, it stands to reason that next he will let us know about being a “truther”.

Truther: A group of people who have uncovered the truth about the massacre in Newtown. It never happened. It was all done by actors following a script. No one was hurt or killed. It is a part of a giant conspiracy by President Obama to take away all our guns. So be afraid, be very afraid of evil that is around us. Be thankful for FTR and those who have the gift to see the evil for they will be able to warn us. Let us hope that he and they get back to the Home for the Bewildered soon. 

Israel attacked a convoy inside Sryia again carrying missiles destined for the their stolen lands —its just a matter of time before Israel gets what they deserve for stealing a country right smack dab in the middle of where everyone hates them—they should have stolen a country in Africa or S. America or an island in the South Pacific—-it wont be long before a missile or planted nuclear bomb decimates them and their “holy land”.

While we were told that Congress had to pass the bill before we could find out what’s in it, apparently the President didn’t have to find out what’s in it before he signed it. Some families could get priced out of health insurance due to what’s being called a glitch in President Barack Obama’s overhaul law. IRS regulations issued Wednesday failed to fix the problem as liberal backers of the president’s plan had hoped. As a result, some families that can’t afford the employer coverage that they are offered on the job will not be able to get financial assistance from the government to buy private health insurance on their own. How many people will be affected is unclear.

The Obama administration says its hands were tied (it’s not my fault!) by the way Congress wrote the law. Officials said the administration tried to mitigate the impact. Families that can’t get coverage because of the glitch will not face a tax penalty for remaining uninsured, the IRS rules said.

Just turn in your weapons and the government will take care of you. Different time same lie.

The Right hates everything the President does or ever will do, yet they couldn’t find one candidate to beat him at the polls when he was one of the most vulnerable Presidents in history. There is no good reason why Obama was re-elected. The bad reason he was re-elected is that the Republicans are so out of touch with our country and will not acknowledge the fact that present day America is far different then when they were kids.

Obama is the Jim Jones of our century. 

Yesterday we were told that the economic downturn of only 0.1 was a stunning number. End of the world like number. However when Romney got his arse handed to him in the election and lost by over 120 electoral college votes and over 2 Million popular votes it was a narrow win for our President. Even far right math gets spun around like a top.

FROM THE RIGHT

There is no good news on our economic front. The other day we learned that it is now official, our economy did not expand in the last quarter, it contracted. We’re going backwards.  We suffered a contraction of .1%. If we suffer another contraction at the end of the next quarter, the so called recovery will be over and we will be back in recession.  Please note that in the previous quarter, our GDP grew at a rate of 3.1%. A plummet to negative .1% is huge and frightening. The admin and its myrmidons claim that e contraction is only caused by a cutback in federal spending. That’s just not true. First of all, if you believe that, then you have to believe that our prosperity is totally dependent on government spending. Then you have to consider that consumer spending, even with the holiday season, only increased at a paltry .2% rate, less than economists had forecast.

Then there is a report from Reuters which states: “Last week, initial claims for state unemployment benefits increased by 38,000 from the previous week to 368,000 last week, the Labor Department said on Thursday.”  Good, Lord, that hurts.

We know that as of today, Mr. Obama has decided that the fact that are nearly 3 million fewer people with jobs than there were at the start of the recession is of no consequence. He smiles, takes off in AF1 to speechify, and tells us: “Not to worry.”  We now know that he is satisfied that there are 5.3 million more unemployed persons than there were at the beginning of the recession.  He and his smile and tell us: “No worries.” We now know that he is comfortable with the fact that there are 10.2 million more people who have fled the workforce than there were at the beginning of the recession. They tell us: “So what!”

We know all of that because he has just shut down his vaunted and much ballyhooed Council on Jobs and Competitiveness. The creation of this council by Obama, was touted to be the savants that were to create millions of new jobs.  Obama personally handpicked the council.  They, and he, failed. It is just that starkly simple — they failed!