Stupid Tourist Questions

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1 “What state governs the Florida Keys?”
2 How about the man who came running up to the security checkpoint at the airport and breathlessly asked the first TSA guard on duty, “Has my wife been through here yet?”
3 I got asked yesterday, “”Are the Keys part of the United States?”
4 “Where is the Key deer viewing area?” Can you imagine all the little deer running around realizing they were late to get to the viewing area; or calling in sick, etc.
5 My favorite tourist question that I have been asked more than once is “How long is the 7 Mile Bridge?”
6 When working on the glass bottom boat at Sand Key reef, I was asked, “It this salt water all around here?”
7 When standing in front of the twenty foot AQUARIUM sign in Key West a tourist asked me, “Could you tell me where the fish aquarium is?”  Is he kidding, ‘fish aquarium’?
8 I used to love it when they walked into my liquor store on Big Pine (no, it’s not Coconut’s or Big Pine liquors) and asked me, “How much further is it to the Keys?”
9 “How far is it between mile markers?”
10 “Are the coconuts in the trees real?”
11 While working in a gift shop in Key West I was asked, “Do you live here?” No. I commute from Ohio.
12 “I heard Hemingway was sick.” Not anymore.
13 “How many sunset celebrations are there a day?”
14 “What kind of money do you use here?”
15 “How much is it to take the Conch Train to Cuba?”
16 “Where do the homeless people live?”
17 “Are the gay people real or are they actors?” No, it’s like Disney world. We give them costumes at the start of their shift.
18 I work in a doctor’s office and I actually had a CRS from an insurance company ask me if we “took American money in the Keys?” No wonder medical care is so expensive.
19 While running a sunset cruise a tourist asked, “How many sunset trips do you run a day?”
20 Oh, this is a fun topic! My favorite is, “Does the water go all the way around the island?”
21 My favorite was when I was working at Little Palm Island a woman asked me what we “use for anchors so the island doesn’t float away.”
22 My visitors said, “We’ll all go south tonight for dinner, ok?” I said, “What do you mean south?”  My visitor then said, “Key West. You know, it’s south of here.”  I replied, “You’re right, I wonder why they call it Key West.”
23 I was once asked if a group could “ride the Conch Train to the Dry Tortugas.”
24 My favorite was, “How do I drive to Looe Key Reef?”
25 Some of the stupid questions asked at the front desk at a Little Torch Key Resort:
“When do we get to the Keys?” Just keep driving, you’ll know.
“Which way is Key West?” West.
“Do they have the sunset at that Mallory Square every night?” Only on weekends and holidays.
“Does that Conch Train go all the way to Miami?” Not quite but they’re working on it.
“How far is it between the mile markers?” Hmmm, let me think.
“Does Hemingway still live in Key West?” Not since he shot himself in Idaho.
“Is there anything to do in Key West?” It all depends, big guy!
“Are there restaurants in Key West?” You’ll probably find a few.
“Is there, like, a scenic road to Key West?” Sure. Just go to the corner and turn right. You can’t miss it.
“Do they charge admission to Key West?” Not yet, but it’s a thought.
Hence the saying: Your brain. Don’t leave home without it.
25 “Why is the Southern Most Point marker dull?”
“I saw a wild crocodile at the Blue Hole. Are they tame?”
“Do I get my money back for the trip if sunset is cancelled?”
“Is it true you can’t get a DUI in the Keys?”
“Are dogs allowed in the bars here?”
“Why are all the police officers in the Keys are overweight?”
“Where can I buy one of those cool Mexican vests and a head band?”
“Does drinking lots of rum really keep you from getting sun burned?”
“Why is the bike path only one way?”
“Are clothing optional places clean enough for my child?”
“Why aren’t there any good daytime TV shows in the Keys?”
“Any place in Key West that I’ll need a tie?”
“Can I rent a boat to go to Cuba?”
27 I’ve got a new one. I overheard a phone call from a guest at a Marathon resort to the manager. The guest wanted to know if they could “cool the pool because it was too hot” (2 pm in July). A few minutes later another guest wanted him to catch their kid’s gerbil that was lose in one of the rooms. No wonder we drink so much in the Keys.
27 My friend asked if I could take her to the Seven Mile Bridge so she could tell her friends back home she’d been on it, but she asked, “We don’t have to drive the whole thing, right? I don’t want to waste so much time!”
29 “I understand there are 42 bridges in the Keys.  Which one do I take to get to Key West?”
30 Once in Key West I was asked if “the sunset was on the same side of the island every day!”
31 While working at the old KD’s restaurant in Big Pine Key, I was asked by a “touron” why in the world would I work in a place where they kill “dolphin” for food! Then he threatened to call Fish & Wildlife to report KD’s  because “that’s illegal to kill ‘dolphin’”.
32 I had a guy ask me during the 35th Poker Run, “How do all these motorcycles get across the water to the islands?”
33 While walking on Key Deer Blvd, I am often asked by tourists, “When the alligator show will start.”
34 At the Blue Hole, I sometimes try to prevent an imminent alligator “accident” by politely suggesting that people a) not continue eating their submarine sandwich while hanging over the viewing platform and looking at the alligator, or b) not allow their little dog to stand near the water’s edge with an alligator several yards away.  Their answers are always the same, “It’s okay; I’m keeping an eye on the alligator.”
Apparently tourists don’t understand that alligators do climb out of the water and can move much faster on land than tourists or their dogs!
35 I was in the Key West K-Mart this morning and heard a lady ask the door person if she “could drive to Florida from here?” She was on a cruise ship and she was an American!
36 “What currency do you use here?”
37  When I worked at Bahia Honda State Park we had a tourist ask if he could dive “underneath the island”
38 While working at a dive shop I was asked, “Is there a gift shop on the reef?”
39 A variation of an older one “Is there water on the other side of the Island?”
40 Sitting in the Lobby Bar in the Radisson Hotel, a tourist came in and asked, “Is this the Tiki Bar.”
41 We live in Cudjoe and I was driving a visiting guest to Key West.  He asked me, “So, you go to the Keys often?”   I guess he thought only Key West was the Keys?
42 While out delivering mail in a marked Post Office truck, I encountered the dumbest tourist question ever. Are you ready for this one? It was, and I quote, “Do you happen to know where the Post Office is?” Not “Where is the Post Office?”  Do I happen to know where it is? I resisted the urge to say, “No I’m sorry, I haven’t a clue.”
43 I was asked “where the bridge to Cuba was.” With a straight face, I told them that they probably would not be able to see it because it was high tide.
I work at Mallory Square and a cruise ship passenger asked me, “Is there anywhere around here to get a t-shirt?”
45 Closing up the bar at the Sunset Pier, I noticed a young couple trying to set up a tent.  “What are you doing?” I asked.  “We wanted to sleep here because we enjoyed sunset so much we didn’t want to miss seeing the sun coming back up out of the water.”
46 A woman on a dive boat asked the captain to “stop at the different colors of water” so she could collect a sample of each to take back home.
47 “Is this island completely surrounded by water?”
48 “Do I have to get wet to swim with the dolphins?”
49 We had a tourist ask if they could have “ocean view rooms” while staying at Ayres Rock!

I was walking in the Winn Dixie on Big Pine when an elderly couple approached me and asked “if this island was Key West.” They really thought it was.

51 My sister was visiting me in Marathon and said she “couldn’t wait to go to the Keys” the next day.
52 “Is this brackish water or fresh?” (the Gulf of Mexico)
 53 “Which beach is closest to the water?”
 54 “Where do the keep the Key deer?”
55 “My kids won’t drown if we go on jet skis, right? They don’t know how to swim.”
56 “Are we in Key West?”
57 “There isn’t anything in the water down here that could hurt us like sharks or anything is there?”
58 Years ago while I was working at Winn Dixie a tourist asked me, “Where’s the Winn Dixie?” Keep in mind I was in uniform at work.
59 Working at Little Palm Island Resort, I had a guest ask, “Do you live around here or do you drive from Miami everyday?” Love those stupid tourist questions!
60 When working at one of the local aquariums, I was asked, “Why your sharks never come up for air?”