2017 February

Friday, February 3, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

I love the history of the Florida Keys. I copy the pictures from the Key West Citizen’s Today In History every time I see an interesting picture. I use them for my background screen saver on my home computer. I really want to thank Tom Hambright for making these pictures available for my family to see.

Every morning I read the same websites, Sheriffs Office, Keynoter, Keysnews and The Miami Herald. Today I was surprised by reading a story about the Calusa Indians. I bet most people here have never even heard about them. Indian mounds are on Sugarloaf and in Tavernier. They actually had to go to Cuba as refugees when northern soldiers began building forts and exploring here. These are not the bingo Indians from the casino north of Homestead. The Calusa Indians fished and hunted deer on Big Pine. Back then it was all called Bahia Honda and surrounding islands.
In 1855 a lawyer started writing a diary that is published every day in Today in History in the newspaper. I read it and try to imagine the idea that a lawyer would take a morning walk with a rifle and hope to shoot a bird so he could sell the feathers for hats. On a lucky day a ship would wreck on the reef and he could be paid in flour, sugar, spice, cows, pigs or whatever the cargo of that day was. Bricks were a premium item here.

Now I flash to today. Retired people move here to fulfill grandpa’s dream of the greatest fishing in the world. The only problem is grandma doesn’t get to shop at Macy’s every day. We don’t compare prices at 5 star stores. We locals understand that we get what we need if it’s available or order online. The only place left in the Keys to wander thru shops and get to know the locals is the Big Pine Flea Market. You will meet your own neighbors there. You might even like them (ha). It’s worth it to enjoy the social event held every Saturday and Sunday 8 till 3. See you there. I will be the one with the bag of fresh farm tomatoes and strawberries.

[Restaurant Review] Roostica. After hearing about it off and on for years, I finally went to the Roostica on Stock Island last Monday evening. The pizza and trimmings were good if you like wood-fired crust that’s black on the bottom side. It is similar to Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza in Ft. Lauderdale. They have a good variety of food and appetizers and drink. Prices of the pizzas were on the high side of average. In my opinion, the pizza was good, but nothing to write home about. I would have undoubtedly returned again to try other menu items had it not been for the shafting I got on the $5 Yuenglings and $10 house wines. The happy hour menu is also a joke where Yuenglings are $4.



[“Coconut opener”] I loved the idea of the metal coconut opener brom Brazil.  However, I discovered that my Spanish is succinct enough to understand the text.  So I went to my favorite site in the whole world – Amazon, typed in metal coconut, and found this link.  Thought I’d share it.  Link

[Crooks] I used to think, “Who are all these people who keep falling for the Nigerian Prince scam in 2016?” After the election, I had my answer.

[Y2K] I am still not completely convinced we will get thru the Y2K switch, without problems! Time will tell.

[Invention Needed] How long before divers will be required to possess a device that deploys itself after a set time to bring their lifeless body’s to the surface? It is a great opportunity for the guy that designs and manufactures it. Think of the money spent looking for these individuals. Divers die. The buddy system only works if (your buddy) is alive and able to help you. Re-breathers are very complex and very expensive.
[“Coconut opener”] I think this is actually a shank from the Editor’s prison years. I’ve recently seen the coco tele editor with this device in a bar. I have no idea how he gets in and out of jail!
[Marathon Air Show] I’ll be glad when those vintage aircraft leave town, the noisy bastards.
[Crooks] A 67-year old Marathon woman lost $8,500 in a scam involving a fake eBay website and the sale of a recreational vehicle using gift cards. EBay told her the eBay Motors page used in the scam was a fake page and did not belong to them. It is easy to set up a fake web page and often, the web addresses used in frauds are similar to the real thing. Fake web pages often use logos and page layouts similar to the real pages
US Navy SEAL killed, 3 injured in raid on Al Qaeda in Yemen. Looks like the SEALS got their butt’s knackered. Link

[Chili contest missing sign] “The only sign said there was an ABATE meeting or some such thing.” The “some such thing” was ABATE CHILI COOK OFF. Check out the video. Same sign, with one change, the date, Jan 26th. Video

[“Salsa and tortilla chips for dinner”] The writer wonders why he was still hungry after his vegetable and starch meal? That’s not a meal it’s a snack. You need protein to carry the food we eat in order to satisfy our hunger. Without that protein, the craving will continue.
Amazon spends $1.49 billion on air cargo hub. It may one day directly compete with FedEx and United Parcel Service. Link


[The Boca Chica Bar] I found this old article.

[“Coconut opener”] I wanted to buy the coconut opener gadget I saw on Tuesday’s posting.  I went to the supplied link and was connected to a web site in Brazil.  The entire site is in Portuguese!  I don’t speak Portuguese.  Perhaps someone can figure out how to order them, buy a bunch and sell them here in the Keys.  Should be an easy sell as so many of us love fresh coconut water and we all have plenty of nuts.

Apple is the largest company ion the world. Apple has $231.5 billion cash on hand. I’m not talking about their net worth, but dollar bills! On top of all that cash, they have massive borrowing power that was previously unheard of. There is nothing they can’t buy. Nothing!

[Sewer Hookups] I own a home on Big Pine and unfortunately it is in an area requiring a grinder pump. I got my hook up notice along with my neighbors and several of us got together to find a trustworthy contractor to hook us up. John Davey was recommended and I followed up with some other folks in the area and JD was recommended.
JD did my install timely, took care of all proper permits and did a very good job. I would recommend him. Not the cheapest but in my experience you get what you pay for.
I have no connection with or interest in JD’s business other than being a satisfied customer. If you need a sewer hook up give him a call and get a quote. His contact number is (305) 393-7570
[Crooks] Since the credit cards with chips were put in wide usage, credit card fraud has gone up 18%. Link


Key West has the highest average wind speed of any other city in Florida.

I’m teaching a writing workshop for the KWAHS in East Martello Fort (home of Robert the doll) so if anyone is interested, I’d be happy to have you! Class size  should be no larger than 12, so enroll online or email me and I’ll put you on the list. ~ Jessica Argyle Link
[Waterfront Affordable Housing] US1 radio’s morning show had a KW someone or other (I live in Marathon) that was talking about “waterfront affordable housing”.  Anyone remember Barbecue Donut Boat Rentals? Enough said.


Human remains were found Tuesday on Big Pine Key near an old homeless campsite near Industrial Road. Link

[Marathon Writers Workshop] Their format is different; the manuscripts are posted in Dropbox ahead of time and then reviewed in detail at the meeting. If interested, contact the group leader, Lois Wolfe Markham, so you can access the Dropbox account ahead of time. The group usually meets on the campus of FKCC in Marathon but will meet at Keys News and Coffee next time because of academic testing. The next meeting February 11.
[Crooks] Is there anything we can do about plumbers price-gouging the new sewer installations?
[The Optimist] The story is told of a woman who during the war went to live with her husband in camp on the Mojave Desert. She simply hated the place; the heat was almost unbearable, 125 degrees in the shade, the wind blew incessantly, and there was sand – sand everywhere. Finally, in desperation she wrote her parents in Ohio that she couldn’t stand it another minute and was coming home. Quickly came the reply by airmail from her father – just the two familiar lines: “Two men looked out from prison bars… one saw the mud, the other saw stars.” The daughter did some real thinking, not only with the intellect but also with her heart. She decided to stick to her post. She made friends with the natives, learned to love the country, and eventually wrote a book about it. The desert hadn’t changed, but her attitude had. Because she listened with her heart to the words her father sent, a whole New World opened up to her.
~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store. Down Town Big Pine Key
Islamorada’ Swamp Guide Ball. Video
Mike Rowe from TV’s “Dirty Jobs” reads the perfect truth in advertising letter. Link


[Winn Dixie’s Wood Slat Trash Barrels] They have been there for 10+ years. Anyone know where I could get a couple? They are made to last and look good.

Why is the Sheriff’s Department parking patrol cars on the highway right-of-way with nobody in them? When I parked in the right-of-way I got a notice from a Deputy telling me my car was going to get towed if I didn’t move it. I think the Sheriff should obey the law before he starts enforcing it.



The fat rodent saw its shadow Thursday signifying 6 more weeks of below 80° days down here. Burrr.

[Missing Diver Lower Matecumbe Key]  The Coast Guard, Customs and Border Protection and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission continued to search for a missing diver Thursday off Lower Matecumbe Key and the Florida Keys.
[Everglades Camping] A trip of a lifetime. Link
[End of Watch] “I’m the police. And I’m here to arrest you. You’ve broken the law. I did not write the law. I may even disagree with the law, but I will enforce it. No matter how you plead, cajole, beg or attempt to stir my sympathies, nothing you do will stop me from placing you in a steel cage with grey bars. If you run away, I will chase you. If you fight me, I will fight back. If you shoot at me, I will shoot back. By law, I am unable to walk away. I’m a consequence. I am the unpaid bill. I am fate with a badge and a gun. Behind my badge is a heart like yours. I bleed. I think. I love. And yes, I can be killed. And although I’m but one man, I have thousands of brothers and sisters who are the same as me. They will lay down their lives for me. And I them. We stand watch together. A thin blue line. Protecting the prey from the predators. The good from the bad. We are the police.”

Being a former law enforcement officer, this movie hit home. The poem in the beginning hit the bone as to how real police should think. A police officers job is black & white. The Attorney General’s office deals with the grey area of it.

[Pot Smoking Lounge] Juneau’s first marijuana retail shop wants to tap into the $260 million or so that tourists dropped in the small coastal city last year by opening a smoking lounge.



I finally found Bum Fardo. He’s right here on Finally, after all these years, here he is!

[Gas Gauging] Folks, please remember the shafting you are getting from the overpriced gasoline at the BPK and Ramrod Tom Thumb and Shell stations. Gas is considerably cheaper in Marathon and generally down the Keys past Ramrod. Try to plan your fuel needs and don’t buy only from these hijackers if you can possibly avoid it.  Link
[“We are all immigrants”] Holy crap! I’m an immigrant too! My folks told me I was born in bleedin’ NJ. Quick, someone give me one of those crybaby signs


This Friday, tonight, at the Looe Key Tiki bar SammySam the DirecTV man [middle] will be playing back up percussion with Brian Roberts and the Prime Movers. From 7 to 11 p.m.

[“We are all immigrants”] Sorry but, that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.




Alternative cuss words.

[Busses Are Big] Aren’t you glad the Key West transportation department has a commercial telling you not to step in front of a bus? Thanks for that advise, but anyone dumb enough to step in front of a bus should be given a free scooter so they can make less of a mess when they do us all a favor by doing themselves in.
[You’re Fired] Hey, D.C. and all other Government employees, there’s a new work incentive program called “do you’re god damned job or get fired.” And it’s about time.
[FTR on Listening] Thank God for the wisdom of our founders.  Among their herculean achievements was our Bill of Rights.  Few of will argue that Freedom of Speech is bedrock America.  I think that a corollary of that freedom is the Freedom to Listen–or not.

Of late our media, digital, print, TV, radio, etc. etc, are filled with the nattering of entertainers.  Certainly they have the absolute right to speak, but we damn sure don’t have to listen.

Somehow this class has gained a degree of influence.  Why, I will never know.  The only influence entertainers have is the influence we choose to give them. They don’t build, repair, invent, service, or design a damned thing. All they do is amuse us by be pretending to be something other than what they are. They neither reap nor sow. If you don’t like the lunacy that they subscribe to–ignore them. Ignore the amusements that they depend on for their living. Personally, I’m done with most movies and their silliness.

Soon we’ll have the Super Bowl.  A headliner, Lady Gaga, will entertain giving new meaning to the term “headliner”. Ms. Gaga will be doing the half time show.  No so long ago Ms. Gaga gained much fame by arriving on stage through a giant inflatable vagina.

We can expect her to make some sort of political splash. When she does, she will have turned the Super Bowl into the not-so Super Bowel. I think I’ll be doing my nails during her performance.  And I think that I probably will not be buying any of the products from the advertisers.

[Marriage] 90% of being married is just shouting “What?” from other rooms.
[Muslim Ban] The Executive Order bars travelers from Iraq, Iran, Yemen, Sudan, Libya, Somalia and Syria from entering the United States, suspends refugee resettlement for 120 days, and suspends the resettlement of refugees from Syria indefinitely. The word “Muslim” does not appear in the Executive Order. Fake news, it’s everywhere!   ~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store

It is the snowbird time of year again and the most dangerous place to be is the Summerland Key post office parking lot in the morning. I was there yesterday and saw: five cars in or waiting on the handicapped parking, two cars sitting sideways at the entrance totally blocking the driveway, one big-ass mail truck in the turn lane blocking views from both sides, and a guy in a huge pickup truck attempting to back into a space smaller than his truck. This is the perfect definition of a goat f**k

[Restaurant Review] We went to The ‘Tooth for lunch and got eye strain reading their over-stuffed menu. I hope they have a K.I.S.S. menu for off-season. I ordered food and got stuffed trying to finish the meal. Food was good, but way too much of it. Prices are too high for us locals, but right for the snowbirds. The place needs a few things changed. Skylights in the ceiling for free illumination. The counter is too high for the stools and won’t last very long without some heavy duty coating. Service was okay, but some training is needed. Good luck to the management.
The Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary Advisory Council is working with charter fishing operators to develop a voluntary education and recognition program. This Blue Angler program may be modeled after the sanctuary’s Blue Star program that recognizes dive and snorkel operators who employ best practices for sustainable use of sanctuary resources. Charter Captains are invited to provide input. For more information, contact Nicole Uibel at 305-809-4711 or
Deer Roger C. Kostmayer, your article in the Konk shows where you are and that is not with Americans. Are you that naïve that you will not admit we are at war with these invaders? They are using the same playbook they used 750 years-ago to conquer Europe.


[Aliens] Most illegal aliens do not pay income taxes. Among those who do, much of the revenues collected are refunded to the illegal aliens when they file tax returns. Many are also claiming tax credits resulting in payments from the U.S. Treasury. They have to pay taxes, if I, as an American, have to pay taxes.

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