2014 November

Friday, November 14, 2014

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The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Anonymous Letters to the Editor with pictures. Published Monday through Friday by Noon.

[Nudity] Over and over, each and every year, it’s the same old, same old thing, right after fantasy fest, it starts, too much of this, too much of that, run for the hills we need to change it. All the while at the same time these same people speak highly of the fact that the Keys are so laid back with a carefree lifestyle. So which is it, Fantasy Fest which most certainly is a symbol of a carefree life style? or restrict Fantasy Fest to resemble a block party that would fit in with most any town in the USA?

The thing about the Keys is that it is unique, and Fantasy Fest with the painted boobs, and the sometimes really strange demeanor, is one of the things what the Keys are all about. Laid back, carefree, have a great time. Like so many other things in the Keys, just because it’s not your thing, don’t complain and try to change it. Just don’t go, and let the rest of us enjoy it without you.

I’m the newbie to BPK. Thanks for the responses….I think. Some were genuinely helpful, others were tired and jaded due to assumptions. And remember what happens when we ass-u-me. We did check out the neighborhood of Eden Pines and loved it. Just wanted to hear some more local takes on the area. Yep, our canal can look a little “green” so I wanted to clarify about the whole swimming thing. While we are from north of Key Largo, we are from a small southern beach island with lots of tourists. I get it. It can wear you out. Our neighbors have been so welcoming and we’ve made it to lots of their happy hours. It’s just the community we are looking for and appreciate the warm welcome. Boating….got it. Blue hole….done it. We don’t need big city entertainment, that’s why we chose BPK. Community, fun, beauty–that’s why we chose our home. I was just looking for some more insight. So, thanks to the truly helpful.
To the jaded and tired folks: remember you were most likely a newbie here at some point, too. We’ll do our best to blend.
fire-trailerBig Pine Key Volunteer Fire Department takes steps to improve Firefighter safety and endurance with the purchase of a custom designed rehabilitation trailer. This trailer will be used to provide firefighters working at a major or long term incident a place to cool down, have their medical condition assessed, and re-hydrate in an effort to prevent heat and fatigue related injuries. This new trailer will be made available to all of Monroe County Fire & Rescue on request and will be staffed by Big Pine Key Volunteers. The unit will be housed at Fire Station 13 on Big Pine Key. The unit includes a bath room, exterior showers in the event of a decontamination operation, cooling fans, a generator and two air conditioning units, extendable awnings for shade, tables and chairs, additional relief supplies such as water and electrolyte replacement drinks, plus a tent-style canopy for large groups of people. This trailer was purchased entirely with the generous donation from the Big Pine area and surrounding communities that Big Pine Key Fire department serves.
That story about Led Zeppelin‘s Robert Plant tearing up a fifty million dollar offer to tour again is bogus. I think you can thank the Internet for that.
[Guitar Case Smell] Because of our high humidity I keep my guitar in its case. The problem with that is it smells ‘guitar case’ when I play it and the smell nauseates me. I wonder if any of you know how to get rid of that smell without adding another smell to cover it up.
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[“Round house”] Homegrown Mushroom. Underneath this free-flowing exterior is a traditional stucco home. The owners doubled the size of their Bethesda, MD house and covered it in polyurethane foam. Slide Show
[Joke Friday] Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
I hope whoever wrote “there is nothing to do here” was being sarcastic, as I cannot begin to fit in all that is available to do here.   Big Pine Key has a computer club that meets every other Saturday.  There are free social dances the 1st and 3rd Saturdays of every month.  The botanical society offers great opportunities to learn more about gardening and growing tropical plants.  Plant clinics are offered twice a month.  If you like chess or bridge, or bocce’ or corn hole, horseshoes, line dancing, or playing your ukulele, it’s all here, all the time.  It’s fun to shuffle around the Flea Market on Saturday and chat with those you know, or meet someone new.

The water is awesome for boating, fishing, diving, snorkeling and swimming.  Some love the weekly trivia contests.  Google whatever it is that you like, along with your location, and you’ll find it!

lifeguard glasses
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
[Ransom Paid in Bitcoins] The Dickson County Sheriff’s Office in Middle Tennessee ended up paying a ransom after a malicious computer program blocked access to their files. Malware, called “Cryptowall,” doesn’t tamper with files on a computer, but keeps them locked until a ransom is paid. After consulting with the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation and the FBI, McCliss said the agency determined the only way to get their files back was to pay the asking price of $500 in bitcoins.
[The Movies] If you see an aquarium in an action movie, or just about any movie, you know it’s going to get broken.
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[House for Sale
] Extremely well maintained canal front home featuring 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, dining room, kitchen nook and family room with phenomenal boating access to Pine Channel – a direct shot from your back door! Some newer appliances which include a Bosch Silence Plus dishwasher and new central air conditioning unit. The beautifully landscaped backyard transforms into your own tropical oasis. The property is on a great boating canal on Little Torch Key and is listed at $279,000. Video Classified Ads > House For Sale
[Joke Friday] Business man in 1st class, to a sexy gorgeous air hostess: Business Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.
Business Man: How close?
Hostess: Same price!
It has been said that all things become obsolete. I think that FTR is now obsolete. As the Obama presidency winds down what will FTR write about in 2016? As the price of oil plunges he can’t blame Obama. As the economy improves he can’t blame Obama. For years he has said one way to reduce the cost of oil is the Keystone pipeline. But Obama didn’t do it.
Oil today is 77 dollars a barrel. The following link says the Keystone pipeline is no longer cost effective. Damn that Obama.
Deer Ed, I think you need to revise your income down in the future. But, oh wait, FTR will find something else to whine about. Maybe Mr. Springer will rise the price of Rob Roy’s. Link
] Hearing and seeing on the web the stories about the mutants who frequent Walmarts we had to see for ourselves. We visited the Walmarts in several states and believe me those horrors of maladjusted mutated customers are perfectly sound. Goose bumps adorned us as we made our way to the exits for fear of catching some virus or other life threatening maladies. Never again will I shop in such a low life establishment and I pray to God, the citizens of the grand and beautiful Florida Keys do not let such an atrocity be built here. The house trailer crowd is bad enough, so why risk inviting more of the same? Keep the Keys the Keys there is no others!
[Buy Local] Instead of shopping online as I usually do I drove to Marathon and went to Kmart for the three items on my list. I ended up buying all three online after all because Kmart didn’t have the color, size or quality of any of the three items I wanted. What a waste of time and gas.
[Fog] Out at sea can you have fog if there is a breeze? I think fog is only visible in a dead calm, but I’m not sure.
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It’s going to be another beautiful weekend here in Big Pine. The Flea Market is starting to be a social club again. We have so many groups of winter friends seeing local friends that it is more likely to see your neighbor here than it is to see them at home.
Big Pine Flea Market is open Saturday. And Sunday 8am till 2 pm. Come visit with us and get the best produce around. It’s time to get you fishing gear, sunglasses, household items, tropical dresses, tee shirts and homemade soaps. Come in early for good parking spots.

If you can’t find what you need at this weeks Flea Market –it probably doesn’t exist!

[“Walmart”] I am very wise and will not ever buy anything at Walmart for many personal reasons, and the latest is they just announced that they will be selling Muslim foods in Miami due to the over population of Muslims attending the University of Miami. I am a Christian and the Muslims want to kill us, the Jews and anyone who does not believe in their god. A word to the unwise, if you cant beat them, stay the hell away from them, if you decide to join them, I will be here praying for your very soul.
[“Battle of the pills: They do not make more than one size pill for this type of drug”] And you contacted the drug manufacturer recently to confirm this? Because stuff changes all the time and a large store nationwide pharmacies like CVS tend to carry everything in all sizes and smaller ones tend to carry only what’s popular. If CVS tried to call the doctor to confirm they could have been unavailable (perhaps intentionally), why they couldn’t fill out your prescription.
Truckload of Democrats
seen leaving DC as Republicans take control.
Another lame phishing attempt from a hijacked email address. It helps identify spam when they write it in English as a second language. Folks should know to always check the source address carefully, and never click on a link in an email like this. Go to the site directly as you usually would.

“Due to the congestion in all Match Account, Match would be shutting down all unused Accounts, you will have to login your email by click on Log on below which will take you to the activation login page to confirm your account to avoid any damages or looses of account. Log On”

[Speaking of asses] Look at me! I’m a low rent air-head famous for nothing but my two-stool butt.
[“Walmart“] I don’t think there will be a Walmart on Rockland Key. First off it’s too far from Key West and Marathon where the bulk of the lower Keys population lives. High gas prices offsets any savings at Walmart and you can’t bring too many items on the bus. Second, the ocean is rising and although, with a lot of fill, the strip mall could be raised, but what about the rest of the Keys? Third is the lack of affordable housing in the area for low paid employees, Walmart will have to build it’s own. Fourth is Walmart’s goods match their prices, the bulk of it is low quality or smaller portions like 3/4 filled cans of green beans for 88 cents when a full can at Winn Dixie is $1. (think 25 cents a quarter can). Low prices don’t always equate to better value.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
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[Free Movie
] ‘Friends In Focus’ Premiers Season with Thin Ice on December 2. On Tuesday, December 2, Sanctuary Friends Foundation of the Florida Keys ‘Friends in Focus’ will be featuring the free showing of the film Thin Ice: The Inside Story on Climate Science. The movie shows an insider’s view of the astonishing range of human activity and scientific work needed to understand the world’s changing climate. Thin Ice spans four continents highlighting changes in the atmosphere, oceans and ice sheets. The showing is held at Marathon Power Squadron Building, 52nd St. Gulf on Loggerhead Lane. Doors open at 6:30p. Free popcorn; drinks are available for a small donation. Events
[“Hates it here”] It’s a free country.  I’m glad those who don’t like it here move on.  There is not room for everyone here!  “Happiness” is an inside job.  I choose to be happy, and I choose to be here.
[Joke Friday] As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”
shopping cart woman
[Woman Drivers] I don’t believe woman are cognizant of their position in relation to anything or anyone else. That would explain their lack of courtesy while driving, they just aren’t aware of others on the road in more than a cursory degree. Watch how they drive, never yielding to others; and most of all watch how they block aisles in the supermarket with their carts. If an aisle is blocked you can bet it is a woman’s doing.
Lots of people are questioning if voting is for real or just a media show to get people to go out and waste gasoline. Since they have electronic everything today, like the lotteries, voting and banking, who can prove all is legit? Notice how the big winners of the lotteries are never in your neighborhood and seem to be of the minorities? Why are the most useless eaters in our top political offices and government jobs when we would never hire them for a position in any company we might own? If this sounds paranoid, so what? What if it is true and what can we sheep do about it? The whole country is turning into a Monroe County. My butt hurts for some reason.
I watched another type of hawk make two unsuccessful grabs at a little finch in flight this morning. Both were very fast and agile but one had more to lose!
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[“Traffic impact study”] This is the most stupid idea this state ever came up with, to let pedestrians walk out in front of thousands of tons of speeding metal and make vehicles jam on their brakes just so some pedestrian can cross a street. Shoes do not pollute, screeching tires, deceleration, acceleration and multitudes of frustrated drives pollute. Now you have cross walks across high speed highways. Are you politicos nuts? Wait until some driver is on her cell phone or another’s brakes fail and several idiots who walk right out in front of a 55 MPH truck get killed. It is your fault Mr. Politician.
Fox: “Why did America waste money landing on a comet?”
Scientist: “This is a European mission.”
Fox: “Why didn’t America get there first? This is all Obama’s fault. Benghazi!”
owl diploma
[Scholarship for USCG Auxiliary Boating Course
] The Big Pine Key Coast Guard Auxiliary is offering a limited number of scholarships to our Boating Skills and Seamanship (BS&S) Course starting December 1st thru December 17th, at Habitat for Humanity (2nd floor conference room – outside stairs), 30320 Overseas Hwy, Big Pine Key, Florida. Classes run for three weeks on Monday and Wednesday from 7:00 to 9:30 P.M. Students, ages 14-18 years old may apply. Graduating students will receive the Florida Boating Education I.D. Card, Coast Guard Auxiliary Diploma and I.D. Card. Florida law requires that persons born on or after January 1, 1988, complete an approved boater education course prior to operating a vessel powered by a motor of 10 horsepower or more. For more information go to our website for our online Scholarship application, select Boating Safety Scholarship. Link
[Cates and Weekley] What a bunch of crap!  Those two hypocritical politicians proclaim homelessness and hunger week?  Who are they trying to impress?  Anyone who has spent even one week homeless in Key West knows they don’t give a damn about the homeless.  They would prefer them to disappear, with the help of Donnie Lee’s “shock troops” and leave the island to the elite, the snowbirds, and the money spending tourists.
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[Coral Babies] Researchers recently observed transplanted nursery-raised staghorn coral spawning for the first time at Tropical Rocks near Marathon. This spawning event shows that outplanted corals have the ability to reproduce just like a natural colony and furthers the goal of creating breeding colonies of coral that can repopulate reefs on their own. Slides
[“My porch which is 3′ above sea level had 4″ of water on it after the last rain”] It tells me you are very wrong about your porch being 3’ above sea level.    It also tells me you have a drainage problem.  Get a rain gutter, or dig a trench away from your porch.
How stupid are we….. ? I think we have been “Grubered” by the Lamestream media.

Thursday on CNN’s “Newsroom,” media reporter and host of “Reliable Sources” Brian Stelter said the recent discovery of video in which the ObamaCare architect, Jonathan Gruber calls the America voter stupid several times over the last few years has not gotten covered in the mainstream media.

Stelter said, “It’s one of those stories that begins in the conservative media and now is beginning to percolate elsewhere. It’s notable as some conservative media watchers have pointed out that none of the big three evening newscasts have covered this topic nor the big morning shows until this morning when CBS began to cover it. I asked ABC and NBC why they haven’t taken it on. They declined to comment. It’s an example of one of the stories that becomes politicized on the right but barely heard about in the middle or in the left.” Thank you CNN for joining FOX on bring the Gruberism of America out in the open.

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from the right
A POSTER WROTE: “High Water] My porch which is 3′ above sea level had 4″ of water on it after the last rain. Does that tell you something?”

FTR’S RESPONSE: How odd, perhaps you should install drains on your porch. We live in PPH, in 1990 I had the fill scooped out down to bedrock so that I could build a near sea level dock, I was thinking of kayaks. We have no sea wall. I built the dock on 4×4 pressure treated sleepers set into the bedrock. The top of the dock is and has always been about 6-8”, well less than a foot above the waterline at high tide. In past years, on very rare occasions, but not in recent years, the canal water has just barely topped the dock. In each instance it was a spring tide coupled with a NW wind. Wilma, of course was the exception.

fried chicken14Part 2) Have you ever wondered why there is no restaurant around here that serves really good fried chicken? I’m talking about really crispy, big tender and juicy legs, thighs, wings, and half breasts. Put that in a basket with crisp fries, corn bread, and sweet coleslaw. Yeah, I know about Dion’s and KFC, but I’m talking about a restaurant where you can sit down, and have a beer or two to wash it all down, no muss no fuss.

Part 3) Why is that this time of year when you’re driving on US 1 that when you can pass, you can’t pass, but when you can’t pass, you could? It seems that every time there is a passing zone there is oncoming traffic, and when there is a double line, there is no traffic.

Never, never ever permit yourself to get stuck behind a red convertible this time of year on US 1. Sure as God made little green apples, they will slow down to 35 as they cross each bridge and take “selfies.” The rest of the time their engines are governed so as not to exceed 50mph.

I have special thoughts for the tourists who drive around BPK looking for deer so that they can park in the middle of the road, leave open all doors, and oooh and aaah at the precious little deer. One time I actually very courteously suggest that a car load of deer peepers pull off of the side of Key Deer Blvd., a very nice lady responded with a huge smile, “But it’s my sister, she’s from Fresno!” How is it possible to respond to that?

Is there something in the mainland water that causes tourists to slow to 45 at every single bridge they cross that has a water view?

term limits14
Part 4) I’m of the view that term limits are sorely needed here in Monroe County. I’m curious as to how many in the CT community agree with me and how many disagree. Please take just a moment and post your thoughts. This certainly should be a non-partisan issue.

Have a great weekend–we will.   ~Respectfully submitted FTR