2016 December

Friday, December 20, 2016

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures




Did anyone notice that the Salvation Army bell ringers were not in front of their usual haunts this year?  I wonder why?

What is being built on US1 in Big Pine between Skeeter’s Marine and DNR Moving, across from Tom Thumb? There’s a construction trailer parked there and the lot has been cleared of dead boats.
turtle-upside-downIn the late 16th century Bahamian turtle/wrecking vessels also made use of the harbors at Key Biscayne, Bahia Honda, Key Vaca, Big Pine Key, and Key West. In fact, it was the Bahamians who gave Newfound Harbor at Big Pine Key its name. The crews built turtle kraals (pens) in shallow water near shore to hold live turtles, and they may have established temporary facilities on shore for use when hunting deer or when storing salvaged goods.
I’m seeing more and more penises on the video screen lately. None of them are erect, but they’re still penises. Let me know if you see an erect one. That’s when they can call it porn and censor it. A limp noodle isn’t porn.







Beauty without wit is merely vanity.

No one is content with what they’ve been given.
[Skin Cancer] A decline in melanoma cases and deaths in Northeast states bucks a national trend for the deadliest skin cancer and may reflect benefits of strong prevention programs. Two years ago, a group started a program that funds sunscreen dispensers in public places and recreation spots in Boston and other New England cities. It would be beneficial if Monroe County had such a program


[The Movies] I’m sorry, but people don’t just drop things when they get bad news. Like I just saw a kid drop a case of tall soda bottles when he overheard a girl tell another that their friend was murdered. I’ve witnesses bad news being delivered and I never have seen someone drop something from shock. also woman don’t let out piercing screams when they see a tragedy.

[Charity] “A former employee of the Catholic Charities Diocese of Cleveland has been charged with stealing $2 million from it.” A recent finding reported that 60% of businesses had money stolen from them by their most trusted employee. Usually the person who has been there the longest and often a close, personal friend of the employer. Trust not one person to write checks, keep the books and make bank deposits–that’s the person who will steal. Split up the tasks among different people.
[Rip-off Hotels] Florida Keys resort fees, which range from $20 to $30 per room per night, are among some of the highest in the nation and have gone up 22 percent in the past year. Resort fees are in addition to the overpriced room rates, but aren’t usually published so you don’t know they will be charged to you until you book. It’s no wonder services like AirBnB,, and are so successful. The County and City should be encouraging them instead of trying to shut them down.



(Ed: I want to thank my doe for the dandy outfit and bowler she got me for Christmas.)

[“Monroe spent a ton of money stopping locals renting their homes”] I agree with the poster who is against short-term rentals of unlicensed homes, but I think he’s lumping those together with the AirBnB rental service. The difference is, and this is a big difference, is that AirBnB rentals are almost always in places where the homeowner is on the premises. The homeowner sets conditions, restrictions and rules agreed to in advance with the renter. Rules limiting the number of people, rules prohibiting boats, parties, drugs, etc. The renter gets to read what other s have said about the renter before they agree to host them. It’s a great company with a great idea. That’s why it is all over the world in only a few years. It is what the people want. Give the people what they want and everyone is happy (except the hotels).
What is being built to the left of Freeman Automotive in Marathon (Oceanside)?


[Restaurant Review] I was in the big city last week and stood in line at a famous Jewish deli for a corned beef sandwich. It was good, but not as good as the Bucktooth Rooster’s Reuben Sandwich whose corned beef was much more tender and moister than the famous deli’s; and the bread wasn’t dripping with butter. The head Rooster said they select their own meat and cook it themselves and slice it to order. That’s sure a change for this area who worship Sysco and GFS packaged foods.

Your best teacher is your last mistake. It’s never too late to be what you might have been. If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.
nira-tocco 700x175
USPS has become a nearly useless, corrupt government monster.  Priority Mail rarely delivers in 2-3 days as advertised. I say, as advertised, because they don’t necessarily guarantee it. (read the fine print.)  I have had 6 packages sent to Big Pine this fall/ winter via Priority Mail and not one has made it within the three day time frame.

I took a Christmas package to the Big Pine Post Office early on Monday December 19, to be delivered to Oklahoma. The clerk asked if I wanted it delivered by Christmas. Of course I did, that is why I was there early on Monday morning.

She said unequivocally, “no way unless you send it Priority Mail, 2nd Day PM.  That will get it there on Wednesday.”

The way she presented this option, it sounded like it was a guaranteed delivery. After all, that is why I paid a ransom of $47.90 for a small, lightweight package. (They had 5 days to deliver this package, excluding Monday.)  In short, it got there Tuesday–after Christmas.  Post Office says, “Duh, no refund.

I now find out they are pushed to sell this high priced two-day option, knowing it is not a guaranteed delivery. They know what they are doing and it is just plain dishonest and wrong. I hope a class action lawsuit comes their way.

The post office has been in business since 1775 and they still can’t get it right. Only can get a package delivered in two days–guaranteed; and they’ve only been in business since 1995.




First Cannabis Church of Florida. We believe in Good; come & grow with us! Link

Preparing for the 1st Annual Rotary Golf Tournament at The Florida Keys Country Club. Video



I have learned that a New Year’s resolution is actually a to-do list for the first 10 days in January.

[Fat Women] Researchers have determined that women who are overweight live longer than men who mention it.
Never regret a day.  Good days give us happiness.  Bad days give us experience.  Worst days teach us lessons.  Best days give us memories.


Life before the computer (B.C.: Before Computers)

[WFFG AM] Does anyone know if Joe N. still owns AM 1300? If he does, I wonder if he knows how poorly the transmitter performs. They should just throw in the towel. The morning show is awful.
taxes-suck-bye-bye[Accountant] I am looking for a local (Keys), intelligent & highly competent accountant who is capable of processing tax returns which include American income (spouse 1) & British retirement income (spouse 2).
I have checked with several CPA’s, so far no luck. We have been doing tax returns in two countries to cover our ‘reporting’ obligation. IRS requirements state British income needs to be reported on an American tax return, but so far no one I’ve spoken with knows how to process that type of return. Any recommendations? (PS: I worked for CPA’s for decades so I am strict about skill requirements, if they’re only marginal please don’t recommend them.)
How many millionaires and billionaires are in the Keys?
[“Boycott Shell”] Absolutely, but only BPK, Ramrod, and Summerland.  That new owner has been sticking it to us since he bought the stations, but at least he’s not rubbing it in by parking his Rolls Royce outside. I’m a bit disappointed that Tom Thumb and Dion’s are also inflating their prices a little too, on those islands.  I’m hoping karma is winding up for a big payback against that Shellopoly.
lipstick-mirrorMy name is Dianna Carroll of Always Beautiful Creations LLC. I am a paramedical permanent makeup specialist, esthetician and full cosmetologist. I camouflage scars for cancer, burn, surgery & disfigurement. I use all organic products and have been here in the Florida Keys for over 20 years. I have offices in the middle and lower keys by appointment for confidentiality and privacy. I am also an artist in natural hair and wigs, airbrush makeup for weddings, parties and events.
Don’t expect any New Years resolutions from me. I intend on staying the same awkward sarcastic, foul-mouthed delight you’ve all come to know and love.


Raise a cup! Red Solo inventor dies. The man who invented the Solo Cup, the pervasive party-starting disposable cup, died last week. Listen to the Toby Keith song Red Solo Cup. “Oh, red solo cup, I fill you up, proceed to party…” Video

[Zika] The Florida Department of Health in Monroe County has announced that Zika virus risk assessment and testing for pregnant women is being offered in partnership with Womankind in Key West. The service follows Gov. Rick Scott’s direction that all county health departments offer Zika testing at no cost to any pregnant woman. For information, call Womankind at 305-809- 5280
[Plumbers From Hell] There is a plumbing contractor out of Miami (now has a local office but don’t be fooled) who is bidding sewer connections at about the actual cost or even less than what the local plumbing contractors face. Naturally, they are the low bidders. It should be a warning sign that they want payment in full up front, but I guess people love a bargain too much to be wary. Assuming they ever show up, if you are horribly unhappy with the job, then you don’t have much leverage to have them make it right, do you? I was told that they are still on the FKAA blacklist for bad workmanship and cannot pull a permit for FKAA work. Since you have probably seen some of the really crappy work accepted by FKAA, you can just imagine what it takes to get on the black list. FKAA requested that the County refuse to issue sewer connection permits to them, but the County said they cannot deny a permit to a licensed contractor with the right paperwork. Once these outsiders have all their money, they have no incentive to get around to finishing your job, or doing it well. Take a chance if you want to save a few bucks, or consider paying a little more and help keep local people employed and spending within your community.


[“Caviar-like poop”]  To answer the poo question, you are probably looking at raccoon vomit.  They eat berries and occasionally throw them back up.  Geez, you haven’t been in the Keys long, have you?

[2016 Will Have One Extra Second] De-Bunking the de-bunker. I’d sent the sinkhole video around the net a couple of weeks ago as I’d been aware of the slowdown of the rotation of Earth and also the increased wobble of the axis since the ’90s when my oldest son working for NASA was talking about it during some Holiday Feast at home. So, here’s documented evidence that this Maunder Minimum has some effect on climate and geographic environment. Humans? They’re pretty smart but we don’t know squat. Link



I’m still waiting for a Department of Peace.  2017?

What’s going on with the “billboard” in the water near the mile marker 11 boat ramp on the Oceanside? It’s for helicopter tours. It’s crassly commercial and ugly. Probably illegal too (code enforcement?) Shame on you, AirAdventures.  Are you really that desperate, cheap and uncaring that you have to spoil the view with your ugly advertising? Thanks Deer Ed, for letting me get that off my chest.
[Bash of Sloan’s Christmas in Birmingham] The Birmingham woman Judith Haney sent me $1,000 out of the blue when I was in Key West. I did not ask her for any money. We had not been in communication. She threw money at me in one day’s time, Western Union. No strings attached. I spent $40 on a meal with by girlfriend Kari at Outbacks. My Social Security payment of $740 hit my bank account the next day. The day before I left Key West, I gave Kari $100, because she had no minutes left on her cell phone and she was broke and the only person who might be able to help her was her parents, in Missouri, and she needed to be able to call them.

I was in Birmingham when Judith Haney told me not to spend money on Kari, and to only use the credit card she, Judith, had given me for food, gas for her car, and any doctor bills. Later, Judith told me to buy clothes and a bicycle, and she would pay for it. I spent her money on food, clothes and a bicycle. I did not get to where her car needed gas. I did not see any doctors. I never asked Judith for money, a car, gas for it, an apartment, furnishings for it, or a credit card. She offered all of that. With no strings attached. I spent no money when I was in Birmingham on anything or any person in Key West. I spent money in Birmingham on what Judith told me to spend it on. Until she reneged the entire deal. Then I spent money getting myself back to Key West. Since returning, I have only spent money on me.

Hell, I was a kept man in Birmingham. Judith Haney made it so. It was her idea. To describe it any other way would be a big fat lie by Judith and/or by me. As far as I know, my family in Birmingham did not know I was there. I did not tell them I was there.  ~Sloan

[“Fuel Perks”] I have had no problems at all using my WD perks at the Shell stations in Marathon.  I don’t patronize the BPK or the Ramrod stations, because they’re price gouging.  The drive over the 7 Mile Bridge is beautiful and relaxing.
[Hand Held Device] A recent survey indicates that the smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The penis has slipped to second place. And thus ends 2016.



Wall-Mart couldn’t even wait till after New Year’s Day!

[Cats] Here is a happy cat story.  When I lived there, I found a nice friend who took care of feral cats.  It was so cool driving in to an area to see dozens of cats coming out to greet us and enjoy the high quality fancy food this person always brings.  They all had the left ear clipped showing they were TNR.  Trap-Neuter-Return.  Not brain surgery.  Wear your camouflage.  It was a buzz to be in the presence of so many beautiful creatures, like we were on safari.

I was paying attention and after leaving there, some feral cats found me and I have been taking care of them for many years. TNR.  Feeding.  Making winter shelters for them.  All paid for by myself.  My window looked out in to the nature preserve so we could see them.  Some disappeared and never returned which was heartbreaking because we did not get closure.  Others were run over and eaten by coyotes and foxes.  A bad neighbor routinely poisoned the kittens and I wanted to kill the bitch.  Happily they moved away and nobody was having anymore kittens after I did my good deeds.

We moved away and I had to drive an hour to feed my feral babies.  Everyday.  I hired a hotshot professional cat lady and on the very first day we trapped the most feral cat of them all.  Mighty Whitey has frost bitten ears and they are half the size after brutal winters.  She is not a lap cat but she is happy as a lark inside a big warm happy home.  Have gone thru $100 in Feliway and what in the world is inside “temptations” the cat treats which helped capture this wild pussycat now living large indoors.

The indoor cats who are tame found the bag of temptations which was zip locked and they somehow opened up the bag and gobbled them down.  The cats sit at all the windows and watch the birds in the feeder which is smack dab in front of one window and the squirrels and deer are all around.  I would get a job but have to guard the bird feeder from the squirrels who will hang upside down to get to the sunflower seeds.

It is so incredible to live in the woods and to be able to open every single blinde / drapery and see nothing but nature and the beautiful leaves in the fall.  The deer are always around and there’s a big old buck and his son and he rubs his horns on his pops and how in the world people shoot deer for fun is beyond me.  Dummy me went out to say “HI” and like Mighty Whitey they freak out when they hear people talk.

Was thinking of sending for Sloan to be our House Boy but he would probably not be helpful.  Need a helper with the pets and the yard plus some painting, cleaning and maybe even a summer time trip down to the diseased reef having someone onboard while we scuba dive.  Sloan helped our family a whole bunch in ways I would not want to publish, but you should cut him some slack as he really does not have bad intentions.  I hope that he gets out of there alive and someone adopts him like a lost pet.  Angels are not make-believe.  Google them and see all the books and info.  We requested a house angel and miracles happened.  Know that all of us have at least two angels watching us and they are spiritual beings who were never humans.  Angels and fairies reward the people who are kind to animals and mother nature.  Try picking up a few bags of trash outdoors and wait and see how they reward you.  Angels do exist and those of us with higher vibrations can feel their presence.




Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Years resolution was. She said, “F**k you.” So I’m pretty excited about 2017.

Suicide kills more U.S. troops than ISIL in Middle East. Suicide — not combat — is the leading killer of U.S. troops deployed to the Middle East to fight Islamic State militants. Support the troops! Link
[“Organized religion is a mental illness”] I think, anti-religious people are as bad as fundamentalists in their fashionable left wing absolutism. There is so much intellectual laziness behind what passes for religion bashing today. People who like to attack religion think they’re being risqué. Most of their arguments are just conformist and insipid. I suppose Moses, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa and Archbishop Desmond Tutu are just low intelligence misfits compared to you.


[“Caviar-like poop”] It is most likely Key Deer poop. You might be a newbie. Enjoy all the other wonders of our paradise and welcome!

[Plumber Scandal] A member of Dump the Pumps, Inc who lives on Cudjoe arranged for several neighbors to all go with the same plumbing contractor for sewer connections to try to save cost. They got unbelievably low prices from the company that is sometimes called “Sleazier”. Now she says that after they paid in advance, the company said they needed more money from each of them to complete the job because of this or that. Sometimes you don’t even get what you paid for. That same company did a lot of connections in Marathon. They have their own septic pump out truck that supposedly drove to Miami every day to dump. But my buddy in Marathon who lived across from where the truck driver was renting, watched the truck leave and come back at night. Based on the time for the round trip, he thinks they were dumping in a manhole at Duck Key or Conch key. Or off the roadside in Grassy Key? Another friend said someone was dumping sepatge in a wetland on Ramrod near her isolated house.
A different contractor with a name that suggests they work days and nights did a bunch of connections on Big Coppitt when that area came on line, and also had their own septic tank pump out truck. Instead of paying the County 22 cents per gallon to take the sepatge at the transfer station, or driving their truck to Miami and paying less to dump there, they were spotted dumping the truck into a Big Coppitt manhole at night. A resident called FKAA while the dumping was happening, but the night shift guy at the water pumping station that takes after hours calls did not have the cops go out in time to arrest the driver for illegal dumping. The Big Coppitt plant, like most small plants, is not designed to cope with a bunch of septage, so the process was upset every time this contractor dumped, resulting in poorly treated wastewater going into the shallow disposal well. Meanwhile, that contractor was saving a couple hundred dollars in dumping fees for every septic tank he abandoned. An honest contractor can’t beat the dishonest contractor’s price.
sherman-hairpins-destroying-rails[USS Grant on Destroying Supply Lines] The method adopted to perform this work, was to burn and destroy all the bridges and culverts, and for a long distance, at places, to tear up the track and bend the rails resulting in the famous “Sherman hairpins”. Soldiers to do this rapidly would form a line along one side of the road with crowbars and poles, place these under the rails and, hoisting all at once, turn over many rods of road at one time. The ties would then be placed in piles, and the rails, as they were loosened, would be carried and put across these log heaps. When a sufficient number of rails were placed upon a pile of ties it would be set on fire. This would heat the rails very much more in the middle, that being over the main part of the fire, than at the ends, so that they would naturally bend of their own weight; but the soldiers, to increase the damage, would take tongs and, one or two men at each end of the rail, carry it with force against the nearest tree and twist it around, thus leaving rails forming bands to ornament the forest trees of Georgia
A local blogger and court jester says homeless people should all be dead? Then they fish a body out of the ocean Christmas day, same time he returns to town? Is it possible the voices of his angels are telling him to make homeless peoples lives better? Anybody know his whereabouts during the last few deaths? Better yet, any mysterious deaths in Birmingham while he was briefly there?



[Coral Head Music Fest] Marathon Ampitheater MM48, Overseas Hwy. Saturday 18 February 2017. Georgia Satellites Link

[“Name that duck”] Rails, Gallinules and Coots are all closely related.  And, no, they are not ducks. I was just using the poster’s description; the quotations were missing. My bad.
Thank you for your support of United Way of the Florida Keys! Donate here.



Finally a little ray of sunshine from a dark year!

[“Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store <@)}}}><“]  What’s with this joint? They turning holy? What’s next? 80 proof holy water or them turning into a church/bar/pool hall?
Big Pine & Lower Keys Rotary‘s regular meeting is today at noon at Bistro 31. Everyone’s welcome!
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