2020 January

Friday, January 31, 2020

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.




[Missing Cat] “Lighting” our indoor 7-year-old fixed male cat got out of the house and has been spotted near Hibiscus St in Eden Pines subdivision. He has been missing for over 2 weeks and we miss him terribly. There is a $500 reward for information leading to his return home. Please call Lee if you see him around (305)304-7237. Thank you.

[Million Dollar Murder-for-hire Settlement] Congrats to Bruce Schmitt. He should file lawsuits against them all and keep winning. Drain the petri dish. Bruce for mayor of Marathon! Link

[Marine Sanctuary] “How ridiculous is it that because the people of the Florida Keys do not support the Sanctuary’s Restoration Blueprint, the Sanctuary is instead asking people from the northeast, the west coast, the mid-west – anywhere but here – to chime in. They’re asking people outside of the Florida Keys, who don’t operate boats, and who wouldn’t know the difference between a horse-conch and a queen-conch, to support the plans our own Keys citizens have rejected!”
I copied that statement from and find it to be a poignant one. No matter how you vote, no matter what she says, it’s probably not going to the truth about what the sanctuary will be. People of the Keys, they rammed the Sanctuary down our throats years ago. This time they want to put it in from the other end. Just say no to the Sanctuary and the people who work for them



[Friday Joke] Me: (calls in sick to work)
Boss: Why can’t you make it into work?
Me: I’ve come down with the Corona virus

[Kobe Bryant] The name of the Asian pilot flying Kobe’s helicopter has been released.  “Wie Tu Low”.


[Barking Dogs] Dogs bark differently when they’re encountering a stranger than when they’re hungry or want company. Two to four high-pitched barks mean a dog senses a threat and is alerting the pack to potential danger. But a long string of single barks with pauses in between? That probably means your dog is lonely.

[Over Development] An amendment to a bill that will supposedly add more time to evacuate and add thousands of homes to the Keys is in the works. Yep, I read that in the KW Citizen. It’s time to quit blaming mainland pollution for the issues in the Keys’ waters. With the migration of northerners has come lawns, weed spraying, rubber from tires on the road, oils, fluids and garbage on the highways, not to mention a lack of knowledge and understanding of what the Keys are. Nope, the issue ain’t flowing down – the issues are down here in what was paradise. So its time to fire Fangman, forget the Sanctuary and quit spending money on trying to save what once was, which will be never more. Planting all the trees in the world, replanting all the coral in the sea will not undo what tourism has done to Florida.


[“Healthy eating in the Keys”] You can also eat cockroaches if you wash and cook them well first. If packaged, the label might say “All natural, free range, no antibiotics or growth hormones ever.” In Thailand, they mostly deep fry them. The giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches reportedly taste like greasy chicken. They may soon be a big hit at Dion’s? About 3 minutes into this weird cockroach video is a Florida cockroach eating contest. That was right after the million bug cockroach farm escape and a cockroach stuck in a guy’s ear. Video

[Friday Joke] The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.
Boat Owner, “Well, there’s T-boi , my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey and a dozen Bush wackas every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.
IRS auditor: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?”


Florida Senate blocks Key West from banning sunscreens. Link

[Friday Joke] My wife told me that she wanted to go somewhere she hadn’t been for awhile for dinner. I said, “How about the kitchen?”.


[Sewers] As if our yards don’t look ugly enough with those god-damn grinder pumps,  this week they came by and added this little green gem. It would have been nice to receive some kind of notice as to what the hell it is for and why we have to have it and why they’re in our yard again. There must be a problem with grinder pumps if they had to retro fit them with a new appendage.

[Pythons] Results are in for the 2020 Python Bowl 10-day roundup contest. The longest was 12 ft 7.3 in and weighed 62 lbs. Several were over 11 ft. That’s a lot of snake!
[Coronavirus] Chinese New Year is the year of the Rat. It should be the year of the Bug!





Truth in advertising is an oxymoron.

[Superbowl] The Opa-lacka Mudfish ended their season sucking the big one so why is Miami making all this money on Super Bowl. Doesn’t this seem ass backwards? Give the losers a bone for being lousy. Maybe that’s why so many former football fans turned off the TVs
[House For Rent] On 2 acres in the center of the National Key Deer Refuge on Big Pine Key, this secluded, large 3-bedroom house has two full bathrooms and central air conditioning. Tile floors, stainless steel appliances. Large elevated deck outside the living room. House is on stilts with a full concrete ground floor where the laundry room and the storage/workshop are located. The laundry room has washer and dryer hookups. Impact windows all around mean no hurricane shutters are needed. The house sits on two wooded acres that includes a lovely natural pond. Two minutes from shopping center. No smokers please. Utilities are not included. $2,700 a month, plus first, last and a $1000 deposit ($6,400 is needed to move in).
For more photos see Craigslist Link
[Friday Joke] Ben & Jerry introduced their new election day ice cream, a mixture of peach and mint called Peachmint.

Do rapist and perverts always wear a black baseball cap? Is it in their dress code? I know they’re allowed to have black hoodies, but I was wondering about the hat thing. The best rapist and perverts bend the bill to differentiate themselves from hip-hop people who always have a flat bill.

[Live ‘Til You Die] According to this new Federal Health report, the average American can now expect to live up to 78.7 years. Unless you commit suicide or possibly encounter the coronvirus. Think happy thoughts. God loves the U.S.A.! Video



I’ve just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

[Coronavirus Info] Beware of people sneezing! Video



[The Eagle Has Landed] I just wanted to share this picture of a  bald eagle that my neighbor took yesterday.

[Selling Our Waters] An experimental fish farm in Florida may pave the way to privatizing federal waters. A watershed moment for American aquaculture: Ocean Era is poised to raise 20,000 almaco jack fish in in a chain-link mesh pen anchored to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Link



[Earthquakes] Whole lotta shaking going on. Check this earthquake tracking site and see the latest in any area. Link

AARP February calendar of events is here. Full Menu > Ongoing Events
[“You don’t look Indian”] My mother had a tiny bit of Cherokee in her. Does that make me an Indian? I know if you have a tiny bit of negro or Jew in you, that makes you that race, but I don’t know about other races.



Here’s a photo of my last trophy wife.

[Friday Joke] I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter asked what I would like, and I said I wanted calf’s brains and eggs.  He said, “Sir, what about mad cow?”  I said, “She can order for herself.”  That’s when the fight started.