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Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
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   [Victim of FKAA] We’re getting a Wastewater Treatment Plant instead of a sewer because we live so remotely. The brackish water lens is 1 foot below the ground (and rising). FKAAs agents have been digging and pumping 8-12 hours a day for 5 days. Water comes in the hole faster than they can pump it out. The noise alone is maddening. The brackish water has ravished our lavish garden and all its winding paths. Our whole acre has been under a foot of brackish water for a week. Under the water is a thick coat of silt and muck. The brackish slurp appears to be wicking into our raised beds of plants and flowers. The other acre has been torn up by the heavy equipment, plants knocked over, branches broken and a beautiful palm tree killed due to the contractor’s neglect. There was more equipment here than I’ve ever seen at a residential property. I complained to FKAA about the 5 days of flooding. They came here after I strongly complained and was aghast at the sight. They said they won’t pay the contractor until he makes it right. The problem is no one knows how to make it right without doing a half-assed job of it. Our version of what it should look like is far different than the contractor’s. The contractor actually asked me why I wanted to save the palm trees? I didn’t have an answer, I was so shocked at his disregard for nature.There was so much water for 5 days that my neighbor, 2 acres away, was flooded too, and complained to FKAA. His property is also coated in marl powder, slime, and muck. |
 [To: Savaria Lifts, Florida Lifts] Is this how to do business? The day my lift stopped working I called Florida Lifts. It took three weeks for a tech to come and tell me why it was broken. But first I had to pay in advance for the service call. I have been a customer for at least ten years, probably more. Apparently, I couldn’t be trusted to write a check when he came.
Then it took two more months before the repair was made. Again, I had to pay half the cost before he would come. For three months my 93-year-old legs had to struggle up and down the stairs. Every day I get a little less able to do that. You people sell a product, but you are also a service industry. An elevator may be a luxury for some, but it is a vital necessity for others. When my air conditioning fails, the company sends someone out the same day. If a part is needed it is usually on the truck, or arrives the next day. I know that you have clients who are worse off than I am, but that doesn’t mean that I deserve this kind of neglect. As if I’m not ticked off enough, here’s what really enraged me. The day after the repair was done, I received a bill for the balance. That shows that the billing department is on the ball while the repair department twiddles its thumbs. While I am not in the habit of not paying my bills, I believe it is only fair that they should be made to wait as I was forced to. That’s why I haven’t paid yet, and I haven’t decided how long to wait. Do you think that three months would be long enough? |
 [Booze Etiquette] When you offer a beer and a t-totaler declines, there’s no reason for the t-totaler to tell you they don’t drink and explain why. It’s boring. A simple “No thank you” will do. If you offer the t-totaler a 2d time and he declines, then is the time for the t-totaler to say he doesn’t drink. And if you ask again—you’re the one who’s boring! It’s the same etiquette with pot. No one wants to hear about your struggle with sobriety or your moral plane. Some other time maybe. Don’t ruin the buzz. |
| [Friday Joke] I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway…I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young. So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine! I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint. |
[Sick Deer] This deer is the first one I’ve ever seen with these giant, thick moles on its skin. The poor thing. |
| [Nine Question Quiz for People Who Know Everything] 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 2.What famous s North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘dw’ and they are all common words. Name two of them. 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.’ Answers: Link |
 [“Sick deer”] These “moles” are “deer fibromas” caused by a papillomavirus. At the size of the ones on your deer, they may look ugly, but they do not negatively affect the deer. The growths are just on the skin. We’ve seen one or two cases in our area over the years. In some areas in the USA this condition is much more common in whitetail deer. Incidentally, papillomavirus infections are species-specific, so there is no danger in a human getting it from a deer. (Save Our Key Deer) |
| [Movies] The guy asks badass Riddick (Vin Diesel) about a si-fi motorcycle, if he thinks Riddick can ride it and Riddick says, “I’ll ride it like I stole it.” |
 [French Toast] You can use white sandwich bread, but French toast also works well with other loaves, including brioche, challah, cinnamon-raisin, whole-wheat, French, even sourdough. Link |
| [Friday Joke] I went to the doctor today. After having to choose a new primary care doctor, I was curious. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 85?’ She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’ ‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either.’ Then she asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’ ‘I said, ‘Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.’ ‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’ ‘No, I don’t,’ I said. She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’ ‘No,’ I said. She looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit.’ |
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| [“USFWS clears endangered species habitat”] They destroy native plants that we all love but won’t kill the invasive Australian pines that are growing all over the refuge that everyone hates. |
 [Rules & Regs] For those of you who oppose so many regulations (don’t confused rules with smaller government), how’s that working out with banking, railroad safety, air travel safety, and guns? I’d say, not so well.Please, stop with the over-protections you’ve been fooled into believing are in the best interests of our country – they are not; especially when combined with the greedy habits of those profiting from the reductions in common sense regulations in place for the good of many of us |
I am sleeping, don’t wake me. |
| [In The Eye of The Beholder] I took the mandatory, hour-long HR, Sexual Harassment and Bullying class for work today and my son said, “No offense, but who would sexually harass you at your age?” Ouch! |
Beer, the most important meal of the day. |
| [“Sargasso seaweed picture”] I bet the sea lice are having a field day with that lady who walked through the Sargasso weeds! |
[Computer Club’s next meeting is today, Friday, Mar. 24 at 10:00 am at Blue Heron Park. Need tips on your cellphone or apps?Full Menu > Ongoing Events |
| [“USFWS Clears Endangered Species Habitat”] When the junta wants more profit from low rent housing, what have they always done? The Keys’ days are numbered as we old locals knew way back in the 60’s when the greedies attacked and took over the local government and merchants. Next will be digging the waterways deeper for the yachts and toys. But that will be after the holly rollers take the islands and reduce the values to zilch. We should have cut the bridges years ago! |
Engineers created a paper plane-throwing bot to learn more about flight. The bot made and launched more than 500 planes with dozens of designs. Here’s what happened… Link |
| [Oh! Oh! Department] Woman shot a Key Deer. She said she killed suffering Key deer to put it out of its misery. Wendy Kilheffer, 77, of Big Pine Key was facing a year in federal prison for what local environmentalists said was the mercy killing of a suffering endangered Key deer in November instead was sentenced to a year of probation and fined $4,000 this week. Link |
Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure. |
| Friday Joke] I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. |
[“Cats”] Thankfully all my cats and dogs were just satisfied to be the Kings and Queens of the house. |
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| The current Coconut Telegraph was published on 3/24/23 at 8:59 am. |