2020 April

Friday, April 2, 2029

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.

Can Key Deer get or transmit the Coronavirus? – Save Our Key Deer has been on top of this question. Here’s the Short Attention Span summary: the CDC so far has no evidence that Coronavirus can be transmitted between humans and pet or farm animals. The only animals having positive tests are a few dogs in China/Hong Kong that tested positive, but their tests are likely due to material deposited on their fur by their positive-testing human owners. The dogs were not sick. SOKD, through their volunteers, is closely monitoring more than 50 Key deer for any abnormal symptoms, and so far have not detected any symptoms.
The direct transfer of bacteria or viruses from animal to man or vice versa is called “zoonoses”. Tuberculosis and brucellosis are potential zoonoses in deer but due to a federal eradication program for Mycobacterium bovis, Brucella abortus and Brucella melitensis in cattle and captive deer, these diseases are uncommon in the United States. Tuberculosis is present in certain populations of white-tail deer in Michigan and brucellosis is present in elk and bison in the greater Yellowstone area of Montana, Wyoming and Idaho. Captive deer populations are subject to state and federal tuberculosis and brucellosis control measures. Domestic animals and likely deer can get influenza infections (i.e. the flu) but the Coronavirus is notably different from influenza viruses. Deer do sneeze, by the way, for a variety of reasons just like we do – so seeing a sneezing deer does not necessarily mean it has a virus.
Johne’s Disease (Mycobacterium avium subspecies paratuberculosis) was discovered in the Key deer in 1995 on the Long Beach peninsula and has been monitored by SOKD since late 2016. In the past few years this disease has been recognized as zoonotic – akin to Crohn’s Disease in humans. Hurricane Irma killed the 3 Key deer that SOKD earlier found to be positive for the disease, and its storm surge may have helped eradicate some of the soil-bound sources. The last known post-Irma Johne’s casualty was a locally beloved elderly buck (Marco) who survived the screwworm epidemic, survived Irma, but succumbed to Johne’s in mid-2019 and had to be euthanized. We miss him greatly and hope he is the last one to have to die from this disease in the Keys.
[Surgeon General] Data doesn’t back up wearing masks in public amid coronavirus pandemic.
On Wednesday the tv said everyone should wear masks. Who should we believe. I can only imagine what social media people are making up. Video



Iron Eyes Cody was an Italian-American actor. He portrayed Native Americans in Hollywood films. Is nothing sacred! Link

[Quarantine] When someone dies there are 7 stages of loss. How about a pandemic? Are there different levels of loss? At first I didn’t care, it wouldn’t happen to me. Then I felt gloom. Now I’m irritable at everyone.


Know anyone who has been tested? I don’t. I think the virus is airborne. Is 6 feet of separation enough? I don’t think so. Does it really last only two hours on a surface?

I suspect tele-medicine will be big when this is over. I also think planes will mist passengers with anti-virus spray when entering the aircraft.



I’m willing to bet there’s a Florida license plate.

[Flu Arrogance] There are people here in the Keys who think they are special and won’t follow the law and the common sense rules to stay safe and not spread this virus. “Oh, I’m Keys royalty and I cannot get infected or pass on this thingy!” is the typical mantel that will kill us all. Stay home and wait for the virus drug to be developed. Do not worry about money, use your credit card to get food and medical supplies. Above all, do not clog up the sewer system with your trash. If the sewers clog, we can’t flush then all the fun really starts!



New country flu song. “Stay Home” Video

[Fake News, unless you want to believe it, then it’s real news] Copper kills coronavirus. Why aren’t our surfaces covered in it? Civilizations have recognized copper’s antimicrobial properties for centuries. It’s time to bring the material back. Link
[Boat For Sale] 40′ Corinthian Catamaran $85,000. Trailer included, Side benches and canopy frames included, Two 115 hp Yamaha 4 stroke motors included, safety gear included, all new structure, new stringers, new fiberglass deck, new fuel tank. Overall size: 40’x 12′. Holds 49 passengers. US Coast Guard approved.

Illness forces sale. My loss is your gain. All that is left to be done is cosmetic painting, mounting the console and rigging the motors, I have all associated parts to finish.  Boat is on 20th Street Ocean in Marathon.  Easy to see. Corinthian sells this catamaran for $149,000. Here is the link: Call for info Big Hairy Kerry at (305) 731-0520

[Friday Joke] A man and his wife were sitting on the couch when the wife started feeling a bit romantic.  She said to her husband, “I would love it if you would run your fingers through my hair.  Her husband reached over and ran his fingers across her upper lip.  That’s when the fight started

[Zombie Apocalypse] Now I’m sorry I watched so many zombie virus/apocalypse movies. All I see in this current Covid-19 pandemic I mentally magnify to the point that I’m afraid they can’t cure this. I’ve always watched sifi and zombie movies for an escape from reality, but now that “reality” is reality.

[Virus Deaths] Thursday: 10,000 dead in Spain, 13,000 dead in Italy.

[Boiling Bullets] Will a bullet explode when boiled? How long would it take for a .38 special to explode?

Did we get the seasonal “tourist” flu this year or do I have the Coronavirus? Where can I get tested? I don’t know anyone who has. If we do manage to get tested and it turns out negative, can I  catch it again when I leave the medical testing place?


[T-Shirt Mask] This is great if you can’t sew and you need a face mask. Good use for your old t-shirts too. Video

[Spam] I’ve lost count of how many emails and ads I’ve gotten selling face masks.

[Covid-19] We should be staying home and finish things we’ve started, and that will help us to calm down. I looked through my house to find things I’ve started and found several. So, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Sav blanc, a haf bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns and a box of chocshitz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.  Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum  AND two hash yer wands. Stafe day avrybobby.

[“Hooray, For Sale By Owner”] I don’t mind giving a realtor a 1% or 2% commission on the sale of my property if they actually do something. Down here in Key West Old Town it’s crazy. There are a few (very few) who help you research property records, inform you what you can and cannot do, and deal with HARC. But there are others who fail to get up off their ass while “showing” a property. Or fail to find out (because they don’t have a clue) where a water heater is. 99% are hucksters who took an online course and became a “professional”. Good luck on the ride, now take it up to the turnpike, and clean your fuel injectors.


[Helpful Tip] If you run out of toilet paper, you can squat down and spread them and cover your bottom with Pam No Stick Spray then simply shoot. It slides right out. Don’t ask me how I know this.

[Realtors] My disdain for realtors made me very happy to read your report on how you sold your No Name home without one.  A fair assessment is about 3 out of every 4 agents don’t have enough experience and will probably never gain enough experience to develop themselves into the professionals they should become. There is no school like the school of hard knocks, and most agents learn on the job.
[Ignoring the Virus] My wife is not the sharpest knife in the draw and continues to go about her life as if nothing has changed. She goes out every day, meets with friends, has friends over and thinks the virus doesn’t concern her—it’s for other people. What can I do with someone who’s “wired” differently than reality demands?


Do Mitt Romney and Donald Trump use the same brand tanning beds?

This self-quarantine is like after Irma except we’ve got water and electricity.
Thank you Holiday RV & Marine. Jack, Melody and Randy delivered a new, clean and sanitary unit to my house. They go beyond the regulation measures and standards that are in place. Thank you for providing service throughout this trying time. I did not even have to exit my vehicle. Being an at-risk demographic I can definitely appreciate their protocol. They have customer service that is exceptional. Stay safe and smart Keys residents! Also thank you Winn-Dixie for protecting the workers and shoppers with the screens. Probably need to install protective plexiglass at all check-out counters in places of business.
[Happy Video] I hope this takes your mind off of what is going on in the world around us. Enjoy! Video


[Matchstick Art] 7.5 million sticks over 40 years. This Iowa native has been building some of the world’s biggest and complicated matchstick sculptures. While some of the larger ones are in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museums. Video

[Contamination] After all these years of taking reckless chances, I now find that touching my face can kill me. What!!
I too am worried about my Mom, family, friends. This sucks, but I am grateful for the emails and phone calls to keep us all connected and know we’re loved. Consider yourself hugged, let’s dance! Love  ya! ~Jeannie

Humble Pie–30 Days In The Hole

[Stay-At-Home] The President must be the one to take responsibility and mandate a stay-at-home order until this thing has passed. We need leadership now more than ever before.
[Punctuation Is Important] I’m giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.



My wifi internet radio died that I played in my shop. Bummer. I could listen to any radio station in the world. Always the right music or podcast or eBook. That was one of my favorite devices. I do have another in the kitchen.

[Health Care] Our government has failed us in the health department. Not enough of anything to handle this crisis we’ve been warned about. What a tragedy. That’s what we get when we let private business take care of our health. There’s no profit in warehousing respirators, masks, gowns, and the other necessities we’d need in a health emergency. That’s another reason we need national health care. If our government was running it we could insist they stockpile supplies and never get caught with our pants down again. People are dying because there’s no profit in stockpiling emergency supplies.



It turns out Mr. Monk did know best!

Florida Keys and United Way of Collier County announced that, as of today, the two organizations are merging to create the United Way of Collier and the Keys. It is especially appropriate timing as we know that in this time of uncertainty, together we can accomplish more, have a greater impact, and build capacity to support our local families who are faced with dramatically increased needs related to the pandemic,” said Debbie Mathews Finch, United Way of Collier County Board Chair and Maria Jones, United Way of the Florida Keys Board Chair in a joint statement. “As we look to the future, our mission will be collaboratively improving the lives of paycheck to paycheck ALICE residents, in both Collier and the Keys.” Debbie Mathews Finch will serve as Board Chair in the new organization and Maria Jones as Vice Chair.
The CDC says, “The (H1N1)pdm09 virus was very different from H1N1 viruses that were circulating at the time of the pandemic. Few young people had any existing immunity (as detected by antibody response) to the (H1N1)pdm09 virus, but nearly one-third of people over 60 years old had antibodies against this virus, likely from exposure to an older H1N1 virus earlier in their lives. Since the (H1N1)pdm09 virus was very different from circulating H1N1 viruses, vaccination with seasonal flu vaccines offered little cross-protection against (H1N1)pdm09 virus infection.”
Currently, there are several variations of influenza virus lumped under the Covid-19 label, as determined by genetic testing. Maintaining a strong immune system requires that one “eat a fair amount of dirt.” You may be better off with a Covid-19 exposure than living like a “Bubble Boy” before the next epidemic mutant virus comes along- which is guaranteed.
[Friday Joke] English Teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence: Children In the dark make mistakes.
Student: Mistakes in the dark make Children.
Teacher: Get out!


I enjoy funerals more than weddings because I don’t have to bring presents.

There’s a veil of gloom over our house, sort of a feeling of doom I can’t shake. I wish the information coming from our government was accurate instead of the cheer leader stuff we’ve been getting.
[Fake News] The media is going overtime to come up with scare headlines. Here are a few fake ones they may use.
Researchers discover the virus is in the toilet paper!
MIT models show humans will be extinct tomorrow
Your yardman is spreading the virus to your hibiscus plants
Things to do if you are the last person on Earth
The orange iguanas are secretly laughing at us (this one may be true).
[Survival] What is the way most people will die in the next six months or more? From this bug or starving to death? If the supply system crashes, people won’t get food and panic. If the water is turned off, only days until we all perish. Electric off? Everything ends. Yes, it’s that simple. Forget the survivalists with generators and underground bunkers. The military will take care of its own. The politicians will hide in their secret places too and the faithful will pray until they are eaten with soy sauce by the rest of us. How much firewood can you find in the Keys? Good luck.
[Virus Helpers] Dedicated to all the Dr.’s, nurses, medical staff, First responder’s, grocery store workers, and all the helpers serving us in this time of crisis.
Alabama – Angels Among Us
[Faith] A minister in the South has received 3 summonses for violation social distancing edicts. He continues to hold Church believing God will protect the congregants. I want to know how his mind closed and didn’t let him draw the logical next question: if God is so powerful why didn’t He stop the virus; or did He cause it in the first place? I’ve observed that the faithful’s brains turn off at uncomfortable questions. I think its because, to many, Faith is the only strength they have.
Florida has not issued a statewide stay-at-home order amid coronavirus crisis. Some support Gov. Ron DeSantis’ approach, others don’t. (Ed: He issued the order yesterday. Video)
[Your Honor, My Client Is An Idiot] A man allegedly teaching his dog to drive was arrested after leading troopers on a high speed chase. Link
[Treasure] A man in his 50s has died while trying to follow Forrest Fenn’s self-published treasure map. Of all the world’s undiscovered or lost treasures, this is one of the newest—allegedly hidden in 2010. The man died while trapped in the snow in the mountains of Dinosaur National Monument.
Five people have been killed searching for something that a lifelong seller of forgeries has only claimed exists? Video
[Conspiracy Theory] WHO declared the coronavirus COVID-19 a pandemic because it met their official definition of infectious among people and spread between continents. However, in traditional use, a pandemic might be the condition, when the death to infection rate reaches more than 12%. In Europe, the death rate of Covid-19 is about 0.4%, or less. Except for Italy, which is a special case, where the peak of the death rate was 6%.
WebMD says “Influenza pandemics have struck about three times every century since the 1500s, or roughly every 10-50 years. There was one in 1957-1958 and one in 1968-1969. The most infamous pandemic flu of the 20th century, however, was that of 1918-1919. An estimated 40 million people died in less than a year, and what made it so different from seasonal flu epidemics is that it killed primarily young people, those aged 20-45.”
Wikipedia says, “Throughout history, there have been a number of pandemics of diseases such as smallpox and tuberculosis. One of the most devastating pandemics was the Black Death (also known as The Plague), which killed an estimated 75–200 million people in the 14th century. Other notable pandemics include the 1918 influenza pandemic (Spanish flu) and the 2009 flu pandemic (H1N1). Current pandemics include HIV/AIDS”.
CDC estimated that 151,700-575,400 people worldwide died from (H1N1)pdm09 virus infection during the first year the virus circulated (beginning 2009). That is 0.001 percent to 0.007 percent of the world’s population dying of respiratory complications associated with (H1N1)pdm09 virus infection. Estimates of pandemic influenza mortality ranged from 0.03 percent of the world’s population during the 1968 H3N2 pandemic to 1 percent to 3 percent of the world’s population during the 1918 H1N1 pandemic. April 2 WHO statistics cite worldwide 827,419 Covid-19 infections out of a world population of 7.75 billion people for an infection rate of 0.01% and related deaths amounting to 0.0005% of which roughly 40% had preexisting life-threatening conditions. So the death rate of Covid-19 is only 12% of the 2009 (H1N1)pdm09 “pandemic”. So how come everyone is being terrified by media hype, locked down and put out of work in 2020 when diddly-squat was done in 2009 for a similar virus that was 8 times more deadly? Open your eyes, fools.


[Prevention] I have recently found that if you keep a beer in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

[Friday Joke] Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”


[Making Masks] I could meet someone at Cocoplum Drive & US1 in Marathon anytime to hand off some 100% cotton material towards the effort of sewing face masks. (305) 395-0588

[Money Useless] It makes me laugh to see 6.6 million workers filing for unemployment benefits when there is no place to buy anything. Sure they are supposed to pay rent, taxes, and medical bills, and insurance, but who really cares about landlords, merchants, and insurance payments? I sure as hell don’t! Let them wait until I can get back on my feet after this virus passes.