2017 February

Friday, February 10, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[Rumor] The $77,000,000 rehab of the old 7 Mile Bridge is confusing to me. I hear rumors that this is an effort to kind of make another Mallory Square with art booths and a platform at the Marathon base for entertainers and that someone is buying up land nearby. Anyone got the real skinny on Knight’s Key and the bridge?
The yapping dog on Airport Road in Summerland Key belongs to renters in the tall yellow canal front home, They come every year with that yapper and their loud talk. As far as people living in a hangar, yes, they come down in their 5th wheels, motor homes, little pop-up campers and stay in their friends’ yards. Caribbean Drive looks like a motor court. It’s all northern influence that has ruined what was Florida’s jewel.

As for bitching, just remember, you flew here. Some of us grew here, and we’re feeling pushed out by youse.




Sloan‘s getting all the channels. Sloan’s new webpage. Link

[Old Watering Holes] I worked in Key West in the late 70’s at NADC[?]. I would always go to lunch at The Big Fleet on Caroline Street for burgers and topless dancers. Another favorite place was the Mascot Bar where all the shrimpers drank. It was a pretty rough place, but if they knew you it was fine. I miss the “last resort”.
[“Super rich don’t pay taxes”] They wrote the rules, didn’t they?



Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonald’s.

[Politics of Alternative Truths] Truth is still truth, even if no one believes it. A lie is still a lie, even if everyone believes it.
[Islam, Religion of Peace] In 732 A.D., the Muslim Army, which was moving on Paris, was defeated and turned back at Tours, France, by Charles Martell.
In 1571 A.D., the Muslim Army/Navy was defeated by the Italians and Austrians as they tried to cross the Mediterranean to attack southern Europe in the Battle of Lepanto.
In 1683 A.D., the Turkish Muslim Army, attacking Eastern Europe, was finally defeated in the Battle of Vienna by German and Polish Christian armies.
This nonsense has been going on for 1,400 years! The sad thing is that more than half of all politicians do not even know any of this.
If these battles had not been won, we would most likely be speaking Arabic and praying five times a day. Link
I think the Coconut Telegraph is for old folks who don’t like socialist media and want to keep their thoughts and opinions local.


[Lost Dog] “Ziggy” German Shepherd Mix 406-230-2433 Avenue C, Big Pine Key

[Dumb FKAA] The rocket scientists at FKAA distributed via first class (46 cent postage) enveloped mail an information sheet explaining how their computerized meters with remote reading are used to calculate leaks. Compare these two statements quoted from the mailer:

“Intermittent Leak: This status is indicated when the system records flow in more than 50% of the 15 minute intervals in a 24 hour period.”
“No Leak: This status is indicated when the system records flow in more than 50% of the 15 minute intervals in a 24 hour period.”

Is that perfectly clear now? The problem should be obvious to anyone but FKAA management. It cost more than the water-only revenue of 80 gallons of water at each address to send this mailer separately instead of with your water bill.

[Spies] These smart TVs were apparently spying on their owners! The Federal Trade Commission said Monday that Vizio used 11 million televisions to spy on its customers. Link


[“Flunked Keys Living 101”] Another case of people vacationing here, having the time of their lives, moving here, only to find that life anywhere isn’t a vacation. They don’t get to eat out everyday, go fishing every other day, or go swimming everyday and hang around the pool. The only thing like a vacation is they can still get drunk everyday.

Are there any real gunsmiths in the Lower Keys or Key West? I mean guys who can take it apart and fix everything right!


The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, February 11, 10 am at the senior center. Full Menu > Ongoing Events

An Islamorada woman was arrested today for kidnapping her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. During the attack, she threatened the woman with a knife, gagging her and tying a rope around her neck.

I’m glad all the crazy crap happens in Islamorada.

[Hates the Keys] To the disenchanted people who moved to the Keys and hate it – you are not alone! More people leave Florida than stay. The realtors are making a fortune. The Keys are indeed filthy and down-right hostile.  Going up the eastern coast of Florida, where some of us used to live as well, also finds that many of its residents are those from other eastern seaboard states and many of these people are criminals or just mean-spirited, jealous, alcoholic losers on a too-tight budget. When they see happy, balanced, healthy people moving in to their dilapidated shanty towns, they attempt mayhem upon their new neighbors.

There was little common decency down in the lower Florida Keys with many derelict pieces of furniture and washers and dryers dumped on the roads for months, barking dogs forever, people doing yard work at 7 A.M. on the weekends, mail theft, an unethical realtor using a pocket knife to have a private viewing of your home, getting fake oil changes and one day find out they never changed your oil or filters.  Over-fishing and poaching.  Drunk drivers every where. The other side of Florida seems to be a little more civilized and the people not as bitter.

Nothing compares to the Caribbean and this is where many of us visit and may buy a vacation home in a friendlier place with great seafood, neighbors and diving.

Florida is awful.  And you’re right when you said, “It’s not what it seems.”  Good luck selling and getting to a much better place.  Find the best Keys agent and only go with them for pre-qualified buyers.  That was another bad scene – dealing with bad realtors who blatantly lied. Oh my gosh, we’re so delighted to be out of there and living in a much nicer place.



I love the CT.  What time is it generally posted on Tuesday & Friday? Thanks, and keep up the great work! (Ed: Thanks, It is usually posted by 10 am or so.)

[Old Men] “Hello darkness my old friend… I’ve come to piss at 3 AM…” (Sing it, you know the tune.)
[“Flunked Keys Living 101”] Oh boy, you should have been here in 1979 on my first trip to BPK.  Traffic light.  Tom thumb.  Raymond Real Estate in a trailer SW corner of the light.  Old peoples trailer park in the Avenues. Nothing else.  It was great! Groceries? Drive the old bridges to Marathon (that drive made serious grocery lists a real thing).

If I wanted upscale housing and a planned community, perfect parks, above average schools, I would have stopped in Palm Beach County or there-abouts. The old Keys were just that, old and untamed.  It was why I came here. You should have investigated your new home more thoroughly. (P.S. it’s hostile not ‘hostel’)

[Sexing Deer When Antlers Fall Off] A large male key deer. The muscled parts are very obvious on this big guy, but even the spikes will have some noticeable bulk starting in these areas. Body Size:  Males are generally larger in most aspects of overall body size. The area where this will be most noticeable is in the head and neck. You will notice that males have a “swollen” look to the neck, or just generally look more muscular. They need extra strength to hold up their heads with their antlers

We are fast approaching (and you may have already noticed it) the antler drop season, where it is going to be much more difficult for you to tell gender when recording treated Key Deer on your oral dosing data sheets! That is because males are/will be dropping their antlers as they prepare to grow in new ones, which generally occurs between the months of February to March. During this short but confusing time, there are a few different ways that we as biologists attempt to tell the sexes apart. Just remember to be patient, and look carefully!

Reproductive Parts- This one may seem obvious, but if you are close enough to a deer you can always (safely) look to see if they are a male or a female by looking for reproductive organs.

Keep in mind that if a deer looks very obviously pregnant, it is probably a female

That Old 7 Mile Bridge deal is obviously a scam and will rip your wallets out of your shorts for sure. $77 million could tear down that mess and rebuild it to look like the original so the Bike Pathers can ride on it. Only kidding of course, Governor! Don’t tell your brother-in-law.
[“Handicapped parking permits should be checked out by the cops to make sure the driver is the one qualified”] I beg to differ. My mother, had a handicap permit, but no vehicle.  It was imperative for her to be parked near the front of doctors offices, pharmacies, grocery stores, etc.  I drove (and, trust me, you should thank me) her to all her errands. I unloaded and loaded her walker, her groceries, all of it. When she became exhausted from the effort of shopping she would sit in her walker and I would wheel her up and down the isles to gather everything she wanted. Her walker was critical to her mobility. Hauling her and it across a parking lot was not feasible.

When she was in the car with me, but unable to get out for a quick pick up of medicines, or whatever, I would park with her in the handicap spot with the permit displayed and the vehicle & air conditioner running, while I dashed into the building for her. Taking care of someone who has physical issues and needs the use of handicap parking is never easy. And parking logistics are the least of it.  It requires dedication, consideration, patience, and lots of love. The permit was never used when she wasn’t with me. I can & do walk across parking lots just fine.

Mom’s permit was turned in to MVD office after her death.  Those of us who need them know it’s unkind to abuse them, because there are so few spaces available and they are critical to those in need.

Before you judge, based on a few minutes of viewing someone in a parking lot, perhaps you should consider the circumstance. Kindness folks, it only takes a second, but it makes a much better world.  Feel free to try it.

House Republicans put 2 federal departments on the chopping block. The Department Of Education & The E.P.A. Other politicians have tried to eliminate federal departments in the past, but so far those efforts haven’t come to pass. Video
There is a very interesting article entitled “Anti-public-records bill needs to die” at the top of the editorial page in Wednesday’s Keynoter. I urge you to read it. A couple of sentences caught my attention:
“Most local and state government workers do the right thing and promptly respond to records requests, as required by law.  But on occasion, some official gets annoyed by an irksome citizen–or a reporter–whom they would prefer to keep in the dark.  Right now that official’s only calculation in deciding whether to hide something is the fear of having to pay attorney’s fees if found out.”



Ginger Snips Hair Design presents the 8th Annual Boys & Girls Club Cut-A-Thon on Saturday, February 25th from 12PM to 5PM. Come on out and show your support. There will be haircuts, pig roast, libations, silent auction, bounce house and lots more! Our music line up: Brian Roberts, Terry Cassidy, Moose, Raisin Cane, and Ray West.

Is Deer Ed going to allow Poor Sloan to update here on the Coconut Telegraph? I miss his daily rantings and long winded responses. My brother was much like him, except he kissed dad’s ass so he would not be disinherited. These people believe they are very important and demand to be heard. It is fine when you’re reading it, but certainly uncomfortable when it is in-person. Please let your Sloan have a little space to share his drama. (Ed: His new blog is at Link)
Thanks to the person who suggested a reverse osmosis system. I finally got around to putting one in (it was very inexpensive) and now our water tastes like water, not that crap FKAA delivers. Another benefit has been my dogs poop has cleared up and no longer looks like Bufo toad vomit
[Leonard Cohen] The Canadian songwriter reflects on his musical career, with observations from Jennifer Warnes , who sang in his live band and recorded an album of his songs, and Suzanne Vega, who was moved by his music while a teenage. Audio
[“Free houses”] I think your readers need a little clarification on how Habitat for Humanity operates in the Keys. The homes are not free. The owners pay a mortgage just like any other homeowner. But they pay no interest.

One reason they are more affordable than market rate homes is that Florida has a program called the Community Contribution Tax Credit program that allows a business to funnel sales tax they are already paying into affordable housing.  Half of the cost of the home can be paid for with this program.  The other reason the costs are lower is that they are built on deed-restricted land acquired by the Land Authority for affordable housing.

The mortgage payments are almost always lower than what one would pay for rent.  Habitat serves our area teachers, construction workers, hairdressers, servers and retail workers.

Granted, home ownership is not for everyone, but for those willing to make the investment in pursuing that dream, Habitat for Humanity provides a fantastic opportunity.

In honor of the hoe robber in Kw. [?]
You are a hoe when
You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you
[Filthy Canals] Do you remember when the County told us that the canals were dirty because of septic tanks? Do you remember citizens on nice, clean swimming canals saying that the evidence in their canals did not support that septic tank scare tactic to sell central sewers? Now the County is suggesting injection wells to encourage the filthy canal water to go down 60-90 feet to come up. Where? In your clean canal? In your favorite lobster hole? Big bubba Toppino bought out the one Keys well driller, Sickle, some years ago, so its no surprise that injection wells are the new experiment. Everything is motivated by money, and usually with a political or graft hook steering the destination of said money.
Better to have the dog doo-doo run-off and rotting fish carcasses lay right where they are in the putrid canal than to spread the contamination everywhere.
Not happy with your canal? Fill it in for an athletic field like the County did with the boat basin where the Big Pine Park is now, and compete for the very few parking places at the public ramps when you want to get on the water. You can even fill your canal with highly toxic asphalt debris like the County used at the park. In disgust, I watched the trucks haul it there from a sewer project. Never is it really about clean water. Every County decision is influenced, but never really by ecology. The only thing green is the money.
[Tax Plan] The House blueprint, which at the moment is the closest thing to a working draft that exists for the Trump “phenomenal” tax plan.
The highest-income households — the top 0.1 percent — would get “an average tax cut of 16.9 percent of after-tax income.”
Those in the middle fifth of incomes would get a tax cut of 0.5 percent, while the poorest would get about $50.
Starting in 2025, the top 1 percent of households would receive nearly 100 percent of the total tax reduction.
This does not include myriad proposals that would reduce taxes on the rich. Video


[Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, R-Ala] If I were Black I’d be skeptical of my future treatment by an Attorney General from the deep south (Alabama) named after the President of the Confederate States of America (Jefferson Davis) and their most famous General (General Beauregard) who calls Black men “Boy”.

[“Flunked Keys Living 101”] How do you retire with two kids? What? This whole posting is BS. Plus you obviously want to live in a hostel instead of hostile. No reasons are posted. It’s rough here, raw, untamed, loose. Chill out, man.
Another one of the all time greatest misquotes: For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. 1 Timothy 6:10.

There is nothing wrong with having some money, it is the love of it that will get you in trouble.

[“Capitalism without regulation”] The best regulation ever is “caveat emptor”, let the buyer beware. It’s so easy!
Can we get the February AARP calendar posted? Thanks. (Ed: AS soon as they send it, I’ll post it. They are usually early, but not this month.)


[Floating Advertising] One thing good about this is it sinks easily!

Summerland Key’s Airport Rd was #1 on my list years ago when I flew a small plane, but after seeing the way people trash out the Keys lately, no way will me and my family move here. Vacation, sure, but forever, never.
NOAA’s Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary will hold a public meeting of the Sanctuary Advisory Council at the City of Marathon Council Chambers in Marathon, Florida, at 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2017.  Members of the public are welcome to attend.  Public comment will be heard at 2:45. The meeting will include presentations on long-term status and trends of natural resources in the Florida Keys including coral and fish species and results from a recent survey of impacts to seagrass from vessel groundings; this is an update of a survey conducted in the 1990s.
[New Listing] Contractor Kitchens 800-482-6207 30317 Overseas Hwy STE 1005
Big Pine Key  Business Directory > Home Improvement
24th Annual Big Pine & Lower Keys Dolphin Tournament. June 2-4 Sugarloaf Key, MM20. Video



I got this poster in a strange way in 1969. It appears to be a Tomi Ungerer as it’s signed that way, but looking at his catalogs online–it’s not there.  Anybody ever see it before? There’s a movie about him.  Link

[Global Warming] A poster cites Dr. Don Easterbrook in a 1-1/2 hour presentation to a Senate Energy and Environment Committee debunking global warming.  I wonder, has he researched Mr. Easterbook’s ties to industries who want such denials? Video
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