2020 February

Friday, February 14, 2020

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.

Politicians down here have no guts. When the people want them to do something for the public good and the State politicians tell them no. They truck their asses back home and they accept whatever they are told to do. They say they’ll fight for us when they run for election, but once someone tells them no – just once – that’s it. That’s the end of them fighting for us. Case in point: downstairs enclosures for affordable housing.


[Climate Change] Since the Keys are going to be underwater in the near future what will we do with the poor Key Deer? Maybe we should just relocate them to the mainland now.

[Friday Joke] A quantity of Viagra was stolen from a local pharmacy.  Sheriff’s deputies are looking for hardened criminals.




[Valentine’s Bake Sale] Friday February 14 benefiting Relay for Life at all First State Bank lobbies.

[Getting It Together] If you believe you’ll suddenly get your shit together at a certain age, I can confirm it ain’t 63!
[Friday Joke] Do you know why hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words.


[“Trying to get my cousin to come down and visit from R.I.”] You should ask your cousin to send the same picture taken in the dead of winter. It is always nice most places in the world for a few days a year. Remember driving in slush or your hands sticking to the steering wheel?

Fire was the first ‘TV’. Before anything people would sit around the fire and stare at it mindlessly for hours. Today we’ve replaced it with televisions and cellphones watching mindlessly.

[Car Show] Sunday will be a beautiful day for our 3rd Sunday “Show & Shine”  February 16th at the Sugarloaf Lodge, MM 17  Noon to 3 PM. The Tiki Bar will be open and we expect lots of visitors to see the fine collection of our ride. Everyone is welcome at this free event. Contact Dick Moody. 305-942-1758.
[Florida] I went to school at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, about 75 miles west of Chicago.  Right now, Friday morning, it is 10 degrees below zero there with a wind chill of 14 below.  Big Pine at this moment is 87 degrees warmer.  And people ask me why I moved to Florida. Ha.
[Candle Making According to the Chinese] These wax dyes for candle making are “cruelty vegan ingredients” makes the finished candle have a good looks



[For Sale] 2006 Corvette convertible, mint condition. Asking $19,500. LS2 engine, 6 speed manual, garage kept – climate controlled, never driven in the rain. 13,000 original miles, leather interior, no tears, no stains, 8 cylinders 305-731-6540. Kerry in Marathon

[Friday Joke] An ugly woman came into the store and the greeter said, “Good morning, welcome to Walmart. Nice kids, are they twins?”

The mom answered, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or stupid?’
The greeter replied, “I’m not blind or stupid. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.”



[Valentine’s Day] If men wrote candy hearts…

[Woman and Guns] It has been reported that woman are the fastest growing demographic in gun ownership, with an increase of 77% in the last 15 years. About a quarter of all women now own at least one gun. Predators are still happy that about the three quarters of women who are still relatively defenseless, but that is changing at an accelerating pace. Brawniness doesn’t count for much when a dainty or frail finger-squeeze can quickly blow your nuts off. Several of you? Who wants to be first?


[Cheap TVs] Samsung 65″ 4K LED Smart TV is only $477. Two years ago, the same TV cost upwards of three grand! Samsung 50″ 4K is only $295. The reason smart TVs are so cheap is because they make their money every time you click on a channel app.

[Things Change] After a 10-year absence, my wife and I decided to see what was going on in the Keys. We lived in Marathon at Burdines’s Marina on our boat for almost 2 years. We wanted to see how the recovery from Irma was going and to see what everyone was complaining about. My first shock was where the f**k did all these people come from and who thought they needed a Walgreens every 2 miles?  Some places where the same and most had changed and not for the better. BPK flea market still the same (fun and funky) and kudos to WD for the remodeling. And when did Boondocks become a giant-ass megaplex and Burdines think they needed a hostess to find our way to the bar? Sadly, our conclusion is that the Keys have lost their soul, vibe–whatever. I can see why so many people are bailing. Unfortunately, it’s true that “You can’t go back home.” My intentions are not to piss off anyone, this is just my opinion.



[Daily Migration] We live in the middle of Big Pine Key and every morning about 10-15 minutes after sunrise ibis and great white herons fly from the west to the east. Every morning. Conversely, just before sunset they fly back from east to west. We wonder why and guess it’s something to do with food.

[Tough boss] In 1124 England’s King Henry I ordered 94 workers castrated for producing bad coins.
Peter Frampton acoustic. All I want to be is by your side
[Southpaws] Ultrasounds during pregnancy increase the chances of having a left-handed baby. The word “sinister” began as a slur on left-handers—it’s from the Latin sinestre, which meant both “left-handed” and “wicked.” 16 percent of American presidents have been left-handed, including five of the last seven (Ford, Reagan, George H. W. Bush, Clinton, and Obama). The 2008 election was the first in which both candidates were left-handed
[Friday Joke] At a recent wedding I attended the best man said during his toast, “Will all the married men please stand next to the person who has given you the best years of your lives.”. The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
[Valentines Day] They should make Valentine’s Day a national holiday and ditch Presidents Day. Who has ever said, “Oh, I can’t wait for Presidents Day.” No one but the banks and post office. Everyone likes Valentines Day. Anything involving chocolate is a hit.
[Common Scenario at BP Post Office] Amazon package next day delivery arrives at BPPO at 6:30 AM on the next day. Federal PO system does it’s job; at least this time. The package may be delivered that day or the next.  You can follow the tracking number assuring that the package is out for delivery with the carrier and it still sometimes isn’t delivered that day. At BPPO, they don’t really care. So your next day delivery becomes an effort in vain. Try going by BPPO early and catch your package before it goes into the abyss. Good luck with that. Try sending it to your PO Box and it gets put in your box that evening at 6pm. Try getting it before they get around to putting it in your PO Box and they will put you on a list and call you in the afternoon. Try chasing down the mail carrier and getting your package early, it annoys them, and they often refuse.

It’s easy to see that most of them hate their jobs and are only there because of the high wages and way above average early retirement.

Their smiles and greetings are half-baked. They have the same retirement compensation and benefits of a federal employee and fall under the Federal Employee Retirement System, the main difference is they actually have to work; at least during the “high season.”

They seem to forget that the business goal of the PO is to deliver. This is the 21st century after all. The PO could be the best and handiest delivery option but they force me to use UPS or FEDEX whenever possible. They don’t care if I do. It’s just a job to them.


[“Toenail and fingernail clippings collection”] Does the pervert toenail fetisher get his own letter T in the Gay list of letters to their silly acronym?

[Friday Joke] My wife told me to load the dishwasher.  I poured her a few tequila shots and told her to start drinking.  That’s when the fight started.
Good Health Clinic is excited to announce this year’s 2020 Big Kahuna Contestants. Every year the clinic selects exceptional individuals from a pool on nominees in Monroe Country to compete in raising funds and spreading the word about the services Good Health Clinic provides. good-health
[Sidewalk Dining] The headline read, “Sidewalk dining off to a slow start”. Who in their right mind would even think of sitting at a sidewalk table on Duval Street in Key West and leave themselves open to the road noise, for traffic, drunks and homeless passing buy? For what it costs to eat in Key West, you better have a damn nice table inside for me. Are the restaurants so crowded that overflow needs to eat on the street? If so, that means the island is at capacity. How did the little fishing island with a drinking and pot smuggling problem become little Paris? Thanks TDC – you screwed the place up for me and a lot of others, too.