2015 Frbruary

Friday, February 6, 2015

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The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Anonymous Letters to the Editor with pictures. Published Monday through Friday by Noon.

(Ed: Vacation. Friday the 13th will be the last day of publishing the CT for two weeks while I take a vacation and give my psyche an enema. I’ll see you March 2 for more fun and not-so-fun things to read.)
brian-williams6[Brian Williams Lied To Boost Ratings] He reported, in chilling detail, how the helicopter he was riding in got shot down in Iraq. It never happened. Williams never served, but tried to get combat credit. Shame on him. Who can you trust in the new America, Inc? He should be fired. Video
[Foiled Again] I found what I thought had the potential to be the canal front lot to build a new modular home on that I’ve been dreaming of. Price is decent, has active current permits and a seawall, near Dr.’s Arm. Dig a little deeper only to learn they don’t allow modular homes in this area of Big Pine. What a disappointment!
please donate6
[Benefit] Tomorrow, Saturday, Feb 7 from 12 to 6 p.m. at the Looe Key Tiki bar, the celebration of life for Scott “Patron” Foultz will be held. All donations will be put into a bank account for his 1 year old daughter, London Foultz. Food, pot luck, raffles, 50/50, drinks, beer and the Ray West Band, The Moondogs, Category 4, and The Billy Brown Band will be jamming. Please help our locals in need.
I have reached an age where the noise I make for sitting down and standing up, is the same one I use for sex.
[Welfare Scammer] Whoever goon posted ‘a Ford dealers report’ is the problem. It’s called Telephone/Telegraph and it’s a game children play. If a little research was done, and its very easy, he would have known that email has been floating around the internet for several years. Unsubstantiated and full of errors. Factual errors. First, lets look at the obvious political slant of the author. Socialists. Boom, there it is.
Now lets look at the meat and potato facts. No individual collects $1500 a month SSDI after working for $330 a week anywhere in this country. As of Jan 2015 the SSDI for a wage earner making $74,000 annually in 1997(when they qualified catastrophic disability) is currently $1505. And it’s taken 18 years to get there. I know this as fact. It’s mine. To receive $700 monthly in food stamps/EBT they must be feeding a family of 7 unable to work at that $1500 monthly income. Out of that $1500 monthly SSDI you must pay. I said ‘pay’ between 30 to 40% toward your subsidized rent. No such thing of receiving $800 a month for housing. Sorry, go ask anyone in this county subsisting only on SSDI if they can afford to walk into a Ford dealer and buy a car.
Additionally, SSDI requires medical evaluations constantly until age 62 if nota permanent and totally disabling condition. In the farce story, she said she could work after the injury that wasn’t disabling. The story is utter political horse pucky. It isn’t that easy to scam. Some can, but it’s one hell of a lot of work. Additionally the car dealer didn’t even report this obvious fraud. Every fact I’ve posted is easily found at the state and federal websites. I’m calling the entire post crap.
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big-pine-restaurant-closed00Alas, the best eatery on Big Pine has closed it’s doors.  The Big Pine Restaurant is no more.  Word is that a serious health problem has forced John and Samantha to close with no plans to reopen.  So many of us are going to miss the great food, great service and friendly faces so many of us have enjoyed for so many years. I’m sure that all of us who have enjoyed their food and hospitality wish them well and hope for a speedy recovery.  We can also hope that their employees, the waitresses, the kitchen staff and support staff who served us with a smile every time we went in for breakfast, lunch or dinner, will find other employment quickly and their families will be O.K.  A truly sad day on Big Pine.  One must wonder:  Why do bad things happen to good people?
The way I look at it the homeless are like gangs of illegal aliens. They come here from far away to take over our beaches, harass us on the streets and then demand we accommodate their chosen lifestyle. They come here to enjoy for free all the things that we worked so hard to gain. They don’t care about the destruction they cause to the very environment they came here for, they just want to live by their own rules and f*ck everyone else. All the bleeding heart advocates just perpetuate the problem.
hareens 12.2.14
[Sewers] FKAA’s Kirt Zuelch heavily praised the “carefully considered’ DOAH ruling yesterday and said it is posted on the FKAA site.
People need to realize that the judge (ALJ) receives recommended orders from the lawyers involved and is at liberty to just adopt one as if she wrote it. Once you realize that the ruling is actually in the words of FKAA’s lawyers, then you realize that the judge did not necessarily come to these conclusions herself and may not have even understood the issues. She simply chose to rule with the state agencies.

The DOAH is another government agency with its Director appointed by the Governor. The judge may have been under some pressure to simply select the recommended order of the state agency’s lawyer instead of the one by the citizens’ lawyer.
There were false statements made on the permit applications, and attested to by FKAA engineers. Mention of these are in the court records. There were false statements made by FKAA’s engineers in court and these are on the record. An ALJ is at liberty to accept a false statement as if it was true. The ALJ merely needs submitted evidence or testimony (true or false) to base a decision on. We are not finished with the sworn false statements. They were not accidental

Burt Bacharach once said that he could tell what instrument a singer played just by listening to a song. Trumpet player Louis Armstrong‘s A Kiss To Build A Dream On is a good example of this. Louie sings the notes just like his trumpet solo.
[Joke Friday] The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

[Outsourcing] As we begin to enter the 2016 election cycle, remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
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rockland-key-plaza6[Rockland Key Shopping Plaza Pros and Con] The Lower Keys Chamber of Commerce Board of Directors were privileged to be given first-hand information on the progress of the planning for the Rockland Key shopping plaza from Owen Trepanier, the land planner for this project. While many of our small businesses are opposed to this development and many residents hate to see things change, there are some good things that will come of it. Yes, it does appear that it will become a reality, with the anchor store being a Walmart Superstore. Other businesses have sent letters of intent: Total Wines, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Dick’s Sporting Goods and Old Navy, to name a few. There is also space for a few smaller vendors. The parcel is 33 acres and the zoning has been changed to allow for commercial development. The County and the builders are hammering out their agreement which includes the builder providing a meeting room and purchasing a bus for the County.

Interestingly enough, this area has been designated as a “brownfield”, which means the builders will have to invest in major clean-up efforts that will result in a very clean and environmentally safe area. This is one of the good things that will come out of this project.

Walmart has done its homework in tracking zip codes for their shoppers. They know that more than $5 million per year is spent by Monroe County residents at Walmarts on the mainland. That’s $5 million on which our County has lost sale tax revenues. It is possible that some of this revenue could be used to help with the workforce housing issues? Another possible positive outcome. Walmart is willing to make very lucrative deals with some of our merchants to ship their merchandise back up the Keys to the mainland, because Walmart sends full trucks down, but empty trucks back. Shipping could get cheaper. There are several businesses that have already started to work on that option.

There are certainly downsides to this project coming to fruition. There will be more southbound traffic. Oh wait, there will be more traffic driving by our Lower Keys businesses too! So maybe that is not really a bad thing? Time will tell. There will likely be a traffic light at the plaza entrance so traffic patterns will definitely change. You can be certain that there will be study after study regarding traffic flow.

Our small Mom & Pop businesses are worried about their survival compared to a megastore like Walmart. Our Board members, however, recognized the one thing that sets our small businesses apart: excellent personal customer service. As long as our small businesses continue to give that personal touch, going above and beyond to satisfy their customers, they will not be negatively impacted. The large big box stores are not competition for our many higher end shops. They simply will not carry the type of merchandise our up-scale retailers do.

The biggest problem we see with this project is our workforce, or should I say our lack of a workforce? We were told that Walmart realizes they cannot pay their standard $15/hour here. We constantly hear that Walmart pays such low wages their workers have to supplement it with government subsidies, but $15/hour is higher than most of our local employees currently earn. Walmart plans on paying even higher wages here, so this could very well result in our small businesses losing a lot of their stable workers to a large retailer who can afford to offer them higher wages. So what do we do?

Plan, plan, plan! Start now to improve your employee training as far as customer service is concerned to maintain, and even increase, your customer base. Implement employee perks like flex time, help with housing and positive reinforcement to make your staff members feel as if they are valuable to you — because they are! We need to put things in place now to insure the future success of our local businesses. Link

[Music] The Beer Bottle Boys will be at Mangrove Mama’s soon! Video
[Joke Friday] A man received the following text from his Neighbor :
“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home – but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”
On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, “Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi.”
eagle scout6I would like to personally congratulate Reef Landrum on working for his Eagle award. Many today do not realize the hard work and dedication needed to achieve such a lofty award. An individual has only until their 18th birthday to finish all of the many requirements. The lessons learned during this journey contribute to Eagle Scouts being some of the best citizens that this country has to offer.
Thanks again from a brother, class of ’79.
[Frank Zappa and Lou Reed] Both artists were intent on creating grown-up rock ‘n roll, both pushed the boundaries of rock music. Both were anti-establishment, both were anti-hippy. Both were the kings of their exciting new scenes – one in New York, one in LA. Yet, despite the similarities and the common ground, each loathed the other. First there’s Frank Zappa in conversation with Radio 1’s Andy Batten-Foster from 1984, while the second interview comes from a 1992 interview by Johnnie Walker with Lou Reed. Audio
Al Kooper is brilliant and one of the most under-rated creative forces in music.
I love you more than you´ll ever know
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[Joke Friday] A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbors’ farmhouse in his pick-up truck, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment…”You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
[Tax Dodge] Once again Balfour Beatty, their lobbyist, and State Senator Tom Lee are trying to subvert another pending court case in the Third District Court of Appeals on the 11 million they owe in Key West on privatized “military” housing.  The Senator is sponsoring a bill to retroactively exempt those properties back to 2007 when Balfour acquired the properties.  If, as they maintain, the  properties are really already exempt, then why go to these lengths to ensure the profits of these big corporations over the well being of our school districts to which they pay a pittance for their kids? They were supposed to pay property taxes as any other corporation would. See the proposed bill here. Link
[“Stiletto Mexican tile”
]  Do you mean Saltillo Mexican tile? I love the stuff! (Ed: Spell Check changed it to stilletto and I let it slide not knowing it was incorrect.)
[The Thirst] What’s the problem? You are in the Keys! Have a damn drink already!
[Joke Friday] Wife’s diary: My husband has been moody the last several days. I don’t know what is wrong. I think there might be another woman and he is getting ready to tell me he is leaving me. I do not know what I did wrong. I made love to him last night and he said nothing. He just rolled over and went to sleep. I cried.

Husband’s diary: Boat won’t start. Got laid.

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The poster states that there is no doubt that F.T.R. is a ‘pompous narcissist’. What the poster fails to acknowledge is that that opinion is what dwells in his mind and their lies the rub. The gentleman is more than likely of the liberal persuasion which overwhelmingly makes any one who challenges his ideology a pompous narcissist. Opinions are one thing, facts quite another.
[Virus] Another day, another new email virus going around at FKAA. This one has the subject line “FW: New incoming fax”. Just trash it, and don’t trust anything FKAA sends (or says).
Not for identification?
So why does every important transaction require your social security number for identification?
House for Rent on Big Pine Key. 2/2 on canal with davits. W/D, Central air, fenced yard. $2000 a month plus utilities. F/L/S. No pet and no smoking. Call Pat Classified Ads > For Rent
[Joke Friday] As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.
[“This is not a door”] Definition 4 & 5: Door – any means of approach, admittance, or access. Any gateway marking an entrance or exit from one place or state to another. “Dumbing down in America.” Yep, especially when people forget to look things up before posting!
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cocktail glass strawI asked a bartender for a $6 Rum and Coke the other day and said, “No ice.” She said, “I’ll have to charge you extra for the extra soda.” I looked at her as she made the drink about 3/4 full. I smiled, got up and walked out!
[Sewers] As far as poop getting hung up in the new sewer system,  I bet that every time someone’s washing machine pumps out a bunch of hot soapy water any lingering poopoo in the lines will get a quick boost toward it’s final reward at the treatment plant on Cudjoe.
[Joke Friday] A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada.  I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for you for free!”   Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.  When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
[The Thirst] May the guy who likes to drink find solace in this article. Link
pizza_omelettePatty’s Egg Pizza
2 Large Eggs
6 slices of pepperoni
Cheese, American or any other.
Beat eggs for an omelet. Spray fry pan with butter or oil coating. Cook eggs until 50% done add pepperoni. Cook until ready to fold and then cook to well done on both sides.

Option2:Add some of your favorite Salsa. Serve with sliced tomato instead of fried potatoes.
Using a pre-made thin Pizza Crust, coat with a bit of olive oil and put the un-folded omelet on to the crust then heat in oven for a real Egg Pepperoni Pizza!

Option3: Prepare the omelet mixture. Pre heat the olive oil coated pizza crust. Add eggs and pepperoni. Bake until done.
In pizza, size always matters!

[Tourist Season] There are certain drivers on Summerland Key who need a good spanking.
Too bad Suge Knight, or whatever he calls himself, didn’t shoot the guy he hit with his truck. Then he could be on his own record label: Death row. What a tool!  Video
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drink man bottle
[The Thirst] As drinkers get older they drink more. In my youth I never would have dreamt that I’d have three or four cocktails every evening. Sometimes more. Being sober doesn’t have that much going for it. I’ve tried it and didn’t like it. It was a total bore, but getting drunk every day is depressing. Pick one.
[Sprint] I beg to disagree with the person who wrote in saying that there are few users of Sprint here. I have had Sprint for years and never had any trouble getting a signal anywhere I go. If Radio Shack becomes Sprint all the better.
[Vaccine Lies] The United States of America’s Center for Disease Control provided the “1 in 68 kids with autism” figure.  Of course we all know that we can’t believe anything our Government says about anything because it is just one big pack of parasitic liars according to the all-knowing oracles on the always infallible Fox News TV channel.  Anyway, who needs any of that ever pesky science stuff,  just do whatever your conservative gut tells you and back-shoot anybody who says differently.
[Joke Friday] Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents – liberal Democrats – were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride!

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!” I told her.

“What do you mean?” she replied.

So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me.

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[Joke Friday] A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat. He asks the owner “how much”, and the owner replies “$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it.”
The guy says, “forget the story”, and buys the rat.
As he’s walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him. He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him. He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown. The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, “Ah!, so your back for the story”.
The guys says, “No, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?” I can’t understand why liberals post such mean words.
[Joke Friday] Lets break with a few jokes. And they’re all clean! Hope you enjoy.
#1 – Did you hear about the new Obama Diet? You let Putin eat your lunch every day.
#2 – How does Obama win the war on terror? He renames it! Its now the overseas contingency operation.
#3 – Did you hear about the reporter who asked Obama a hard question? Neither have we!
#4 – How many democrats does it take to change a light bulb? 5! Al Gore to insure it’s a CFL, an EPA agent in case the bulb breaks and a mercury cleanup is necessary, a person to bail out the home owner, an ACORN member to ensure that the right person changed the bulb, and a member of the media to celebrate the change.
#5 – Why can’t Obama dance? Cause he has two leftist feet.
#6 – Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, ‘Two words fellas: President Biden.’
#7 – Why won’t Obama have a turkey for Thanksgiving? Because Vice President Biden will be out of town.#9 – Majority Leader Harry Reid is considering a plan for higher payroll taxes on upper-income earners to help finance health care legislation. So apparently, healthcare willl be paid for by the New York Yankees.
#10 – What do Obama and financial scam artists have in common? They both say “yes we can,” they both give hope, they both take your money, and they both will leave you penniless in the end.
#11 – Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she’ll do fine. These negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.
#12 – How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? It’s irrelevant; they still don’t know they’re in the dark!#13 – They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn’t know where he was going. When he got there he didn’t know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
#14 – What do you get when you offer a liberal a penny for his thoughts? Change.
#15 – What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and government bonds? Government bonds will mature someday.
#16 – What do you call a basement full of liberals? A whine cellar.
#17 – Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back.#18 – Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President’s top secret bunker. The guy can’t help it. But he did apologize. He said, “I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.”
#19 – What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare? A URLologist.
#20 – What’s Obama’s new slogan in these tough times? Spare Change You Can Believe In!
#21 – Today is #CyberMonday, the day you can buy anything online. And by “anything,” I mean anything but health insurance.
[Joke Friday] A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?” Leftys , what a mean bunch.
from the right
Is this a wonderful country or what? Even the most mean spirited dolts amongst us have an absolute right to express their beliefs. Hells Belles, in general, their utterances need not even be true. But it is their right to present them. That is a wonderful thing. That right is the very back bone of our society.

An excellent example is yesterday’s poster who expressed an angry and vitriolic opinion of this Olde Fart. I can feel the love in his heart. I suspect that he has developed a man crush on me and is simply overcompensating for it.  I suggest a cold shower and a nice cup of chamomile tea. It will be soothing.

But I must take exception to his allegation that I pay for the privilege of posting here. I do not pay. Nor have I ever paid. I was a regular poster for several years prior to adopting the moniker ‘FTR’, it was not my choice, but I liked it and I adopted it.

I do pay for a banner ad that shows my logo. I pay for the ad because I believe in paying my own way, because I want to keep my conservative values on view front and center, and because I want to support the CT. Without advertisers, the CT would soon become history. Again, I urge one or more of our left field denizens to man up and buy an ad that reflects your beliefs. May I humbly suggest a banner ad proclaiming that “Lefties are Losers.”  Then several of you might take turns posting so as to prove the point. Or can there be real truth in the gospel that our left fielders are addicted to freebies?

ftr-in-reposePerhaps we can prevail on our Deer Ed to set the issue to bed as to whether or not I pay to play. (Ed: FTR is a long time supporter who I published for years for free. After some time FTR offered to support and I was happy, but I still used the excuse that he pays when someone questions his opinions. It’s so much easier than explaining things. P.S. Welcome back FTR!)

We’ve just returned from Ft. Lauderdale and several visits to doctors. The gut stitches are out as are the shoulder stitches. My antique torso looks like the loser in a knife fight. All’s well in the gut and shoulder. I have some limited use of my right arm and hand, I’m feeling well, and expect to return to the fray on Monday.

Have a nice week end