2018 January

Friday, January 19, 2018

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsPublished Tuesdays and Fridays. Letters to the editor with pictures.​ Since 0202.​

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[“Conspiracyman”] “Let me be the first to imagine that Saturday’s Hawaii missile alert was intentionally sent by our government to see what people would do in a real nuclear emergency.”
I’ll second that emotion. It was a test to see who after 9/11 actually listened and prepared as we were told to do. It’s sad that folks actually grabbed cell phones and stood around crying instead of taking basic steps to try and survive. Shoving your kids down storm drains is not a step.Truth be told, if a nuke had hit Hawaii, there’d be little folks in the blast zone could do, however those downwind need to be ready as do those upwind. Think things turned to crap in the Keys after IRMA? Think supplies were in short order? Think that sun baked water and ice will be there for you? Think that law enforcement will have time to protect our properties? Think FEMA, the County, Nugent, AshBritt Environmental, HDR, DOT etc. fuggedup the hurricane clean-up? Imagine what’s coming with a nuke or Electromagnetic Pulse strike. Wait’ll you find out the nation’s National Infrastructure Preparedness Plan has no provisions for the citizenry. In fact, I dare anyone to find anything in the nation’s plans for the citizenry after any attack. Heck, there’s times I think the government is trying to keep us divided so we can be conquered but that’s another diatribe for another time.Those of us who lived in South Florida during the Cuban Missile Crisis of the sixties lived a preparedness mindset, with bomb shelters in our backyards, schools with designated Civil Defense shelter signs posted and our personal items at the ready. In these times of mother nature’s wrath, wars and rumors of wars, terrorism and political stupidity, it’s up to you to have personal meds, food and water for you and your pets and whatever other items you feel you need. Here’s some good reading and a cheap way to protect you and your family if you’re out of the nuke blast zone. Anbex — radio-protective KI tablet. The same product is provided by our government to those who live near nuke power plants. Link When I evacuated for IRMA, I took all of the preps I could with me and left the rest in my home for my neighbors — food, water, propane, generators, med kits. Some of it was used and I was happy to have it to share. The biggest thing we can do in uncertain times is to take care of ourselves and each other.
[Mold] I finally moved out of my mold infested apartment yesterday. Started at 9 am and finished at 9 pm. I went through every item of clothing and documented it for renter’s insurance and court. Black visible mold on about half of my clothes in my closet, inside my drawers, and even inside picture frames. It was much worse than I thought. Once I started going through everything I was shocked. Yesterday was a very hard day having to get rid of everything, but I know I made the right decision. I can no longer keep myself sick by holding onto material things. Who else had to get rid of everything?!? This was extremely hard for me.
[Friday Joke] A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will Be $9.40 please” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”  The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”  Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.  This becomes routine until the two enter again.  “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”  “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”  “That’s right, whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,”  Says the man.

The waitress then asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”  The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[Affordable Second Homes] Over the last 15 years extreme development has taken place in Key West and Marathon via hotels, resorts, restaurants and tourist service businesses. Add to that the elimination of downstairs enclosures and housing for employees has become a significant issue. Affordable housing projects have been continually promoted as the solution. If correct, why is the issue now worse than ever?

It is time for Monroe County, Key West and Marathon to do some serious investigation before approving any more affordable housing projects. I suggest the following:
1. Compile a list of all implemented developments (hotels, resorts, tourist businesses) in the last 15 years in Monroe County, Key West and Marathon. The planning departments should be able to do this within a few days.
2. Add to #1 how many developers actually put employee housing on their own site while they already had the land and proper zoning.
3. Compile a list of all implemented affordable housing projects in the same time period.
4. Carefully study what percent of affordable housing actually houses Monroe County, Key West and Marathon employees.

Reliable information indicates that current affordable housing projects, really “affordable second homes”, contain less than 15% Monroe County employees. If so, that means the so-called solution is actually making the issue worse. It means that 85% of the residents are actually an additional demand on employees. In the meantime, the developers reap large financial gain, perpetuate the issue by misrepresenting “affordable housing”, continue to use taxpayer money and solve nothing. In fact, it is probably making the issue worse.

I hope I am wrong, but the results appear to speak for themselves. If we cannot reliably answer these questions, we have no business doing a single additional project until the system is fixed.

There is more than sufficient land already zoned appropriately, especially after Irma, to do this right. Require deed restricted “employee housing”, not the “affordable second home ruse”. Taking lowest density land like the proposed Shrimp Farm Project, rezoning and modifying the LCP to the highest density and allowing unrestricted “affordable second homes”, is a prime example of perpetuating the problem. Require developers to go back and add “employee housing” on their own sites where zoning is already correct, where the housing is needed and where it does not use taxpayer money to subsidize developer created, employee housing shortages.  ~Joe Messer, Summerland Key

[Liver Cyst] I just found out that I have suspected cysts on my liver. I need to go for an MRI. I’m pretty sure its because I’m moldy. Does anyone else have liver cysts?
Going to the Winn Dixie deli is like shopping in the twilight zone. You tell her you want one half pound and by the time she walks the six steps to the slicer she forgets and asks again, “One pound?”. You cheerfully answer, “One half pound please.” She cuts it and puts it on the scale: one pound.

They only have to know two things: one pound and one half pound. That’s it! There’s nothing hard about that.

[A Few Observations About Big Pine Key]  1)  We sure could use a fast food drive thru burger joint.  2)  We could use a quick lube and a drive thru car wash.  3)  Wouldn’t it be nice to have the former Springer’s and Bistro locations open again to give us a bit more variety for dining and libations.  4)  The taco truck at True Value should move into a fixed location.  The tacos etc. are very good.  5)  The new Island Deli is great.  6)  Bagel Island should deliver.  7)   The Keys Café needs to open again on Tuesday and Wednesday.  8)  How about a good, fresh seafood joint.  FRESH!  9)  Wouldn’t it be nice if the Tom Thumb corporation, owners of the old Overseas dive shop property would show some community pride and clean up their eyesore?  10)  We sure could use a fast food drive thru burger joint!
[Disappointed Tourists] Our family is on vacation in the Keys and are sorry for that. The prices for food and entertainment are ridiculous. $15.00 for a rotten cheeseburger, $7.00 for a cup of soup, $5.00 for a beer! Never again.
[Friday Joke] A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replied, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’ The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned, ‘ then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
[Habitat Hammers Back!] Habitat for Humanity of Key West and Lower Florida Keys is preparing to expand its hurricane recovery response.  Through the Habitat Hammers Back initiative, the local affiliate is working closely with Habitat International to assist homeowners in need. Interviews are currently being conducted to hire site supervisors, construction managers and intake coordinators with the intent on being fully staffed and ready to begin continuous work to help families rebuild their lives by the beginning of February 1.

To qualify for the program individuals must own their home as their primary residence, the family must fall at or below Area Median Income (AMI) guidelines, and be ready and willing to help work on their homes alongside Habitat staff and volunteers.  Due to generous support from donors, homeowner payments will be for materials only, and structured on a sliding scale according to homeowner income.  The labor will be donated to the homeowners. Applications will be available beginning February 1.

Sgt Pepper 50 year later. Live in concert; The Analogues. Video


[Maple Syrup Has Healing Benefits] Syrup extract found to make antibiotics more effective against bacteria. Link

[Immigrants] Our son said it right: ‘Dad, why do all these poor people come to America instead of fixing up their own country?’ I told him that is what happens when you don’t control your government and let the ruthless own you! He then said,’ like what’s happening in America, right?’
[Mold] Anyone buying a house in the Keys should have a mold inspection done prior to closing. While everyone seems to be focused on the flood damage, folks seem to forget that wind driven water was pushed into places even on the second and third levels of buildings. If the BPK library has mold, there’s a chance the rest of the building has it too. Radio Shack lost its roof, water entered that building, too. Mold is going to be appearing more and more as we get closer to summer and the heat and humidity returns.

The shields of the Shoshones, like those of the Sioux and Crows and Cheyennes, were made of the skin of the buffalo bull’s neck, which is an inch in thickness. This is cut to the desired shape, and slightly larger than the required size to allow for shrinking; it is pegged down tight on the ground, and covered with a thin layer of clay upon which is heaped a bed of burning coals, which hardens the skin so that it will turn the point of a lance or a round bullet.

[“Conspiracyman“] How you going to accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club’s newsletter!
[PC Obsolescence] A thing that bothers me, is my expensive Gucci PC is worthless. You say I can save the hard drives, but why? They’re useless. Since cloud storage became ubiquitous, there’s less and less use for all that equipment and backups, etc. Now, with Gigabyte internet speed from Comcast, backup is all automatic on all our devices. Access to everything, email, all your pictures, music, files, everything is in stored remotely in the cloud. Amazing.
[Why Can’t People Be Racist?] If I don’t like white people, black people, brown people, yellow people or red people, so what? In general, all races have lots of trash and useless eaters, so why can’t I dislike those?
[Friday Joke] Joe gets bad headaches. The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, that’s what I need, a new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like to try on a new suit please.’ The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, Let’s see now, size 44 long should do it’ Joe laughed, ‘Wow, that’s right; how did you know?’  ‘Oh, I’ve been in the business 40 years sir!’ the tailor said.Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?’ Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure, why not.’ The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.’ Joe was surprised again, ‘You’re absolutely right, how did you guess that?’ Been in the business 40 years sir.’ Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove! Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure, I might as well.’  The salesman said, ‘Let’s see, size 36.’ Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’The salesman shook his head, ‘No way! You can’t wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!’


[Transplanting Poinsettias Outdoors] Plant them where it drains well to avoid root rot. Once all of the leaves have died back, prune the bushes back to two buds and keep it in a bright location.

[Somebody] I always wondered why somebody didn’t do something about that, then I realized I am somebody!



[Word Of The Month] Shithole

Winn Dixie’s weekly ad. Link
CheapShots will be in the Keys this weekend, Jan 19-21st doing their low cost veterinary services. Call 305-390-0325 or go to for more info. Call us for your dental appointments.



New California declares ‘independence’ from California in bid to become 51st state. Link

[Catch 22 Housing] The more housing we build, the more affordable housing will be needed to support the increase in population. One creates further demand for the other and visa versa. It’s a never ending cycle that continually changes the Keys for the worse.
Here’s an article about our Dry Tortugas National Park Artists in Residence who braved the hurricane. Thank you NPS and supporters! The artists will be heading back this Spring for events. Join us. Link
[Beach Luau] Please join us for Good Health Clinics Annual Beach Luau!  A fun, casual event to celebrate the health and kindness of our community. Tickets: $100 each   Table of 10: $1000. Tsunami Level Sponsor VIP Table of 10: $3000.

A fun, casual evening celebrating Good Health Clinic and the amazing community we live in! Luau feast, open bar, entertainment and the Big Kahuna Award ceremony! Link

[Detroit Better Than Keys] I had friends came down to the Keys from Detroit and only stayed a few days. Hated the Keys because of the dirt and bums. “See ya!”, I said.

[Spanish Inquisition 1478] “The sword glittered in the bright sunlight as it descended; then a swishing sound and a dull thud. The head of the first rebel, detached with a single blow, fell on the ground and rolled once over. From the severed neck a rich red stream shot out quite 6 feet over the grass; the body rocked once and subsided gently. Bending over it, the executioner touched the open arteries, and smeared a little of the warm blood over his own lips as a charm against any evil influence from the spirit of the departed.”

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