2013 June

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Coconut Telegraph

Anonyomous letters to the editor with pictures

The Original Unsocial Media – Daily Since 2002

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(Saturday, June 15, 2013. The Coconut Telegraph is not published on Saturdays) 

Making it to Friday is the most impressive thing I’ve done this week.



Spotted Eagle Rays ‘flocking’  at  Looe Key yesterday.  

Fanci Seafood will be closed on Sundays until August. Everyone have a great summer!


In the obituaries today it said a dead guy’s “passion for tattooing …” They could have more accurately said, “his passion for body mutilation … “

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[Old] As I was shaving my nose hairs and pulling the hairs out of my ears and I realized I had to take a dump. So I sat on the bowl and notices my balls were floating in the toilet water. I was just wondering is this what they meant by growing old gracefully?

[Broken Tail] Get your cat to a Vet immediately. The same thing happened to our cat years ago. The cause of the ‘broken tail’ was a tumor on our cat’s spine. It was a sad day. Good luck



Humans are deuterostomes, which means that when they develop in the womb the anus forms before any other opening. Which basically means that at one point you were nothing but an asshole. And some people never evolve any further.

[Joke] A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He called the number listed and the bear remover said he’d be over within an hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. “What are you going to do?” the homeowner asked. “I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” the homeowner asked. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog.”


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Lost. Life Vest commercia,l hard foam, June 13 between Big Pine Key and Little Torch boat ramp. SAFARI is burnt into vest. It blew out of my boat.  Classified Ads > Lost and Found

Newsweek reported two years ago women in the military were more likely to be assaulted by a fellow soldier than killed in combat.

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an_truck_kicking_up_rock[“Roads and bridges sway, while the insiders have their way”] Any thinking person with an I.Q. of room temperature knows that water is the most economical way to move heavy freight, but when the big fat contracts are let, well you and me and a lot of the rest of the Joe 6-pack group just follow along like the sheeple that we are, as we line the pockets of the movers and shakers, extrapolated out the situation closely parallels the railroads throughout the U.S. At one time it was all largely rail then along came the teamsters and literally ruined some railroads, putting them out of business. Now if you speak against the nations trucking we are classified as un American, yet rail is far more efficient than trucks, let alone the same old bunch of sheeple go on building the roads that these behemoths tear up. Sure trucking contributes to road maintenance, but overall, it is not much of the grand total. Just try talking down the teamsters and watch the fireworks erupt. It is all about subsidies in the end. Shake one end of the branch and the whole branch shakes, just think of the agriculture subsidies; who ends up with the lion’s share? Just guess.

[Developers] Congressman Garcia’s letter to Gov Scott about Balfour Beatty. letter14


[“What this blog would be like if it went international”] With the internet and everything, it’s only limited to the Keys. (O, yep, that was sarcasm.)

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[Editor Sucks] Do whatever you want. You flat out rule! And besides, it is your nickel. Thank you for spending it on us.

[Joke] Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies? 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. “How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all those assholes” and calmly returned to his seat.

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In 1777, the Continental Congress adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag. 

[Editor Sucks] The Ed knows what is best for us.

[Free lionfish safe handling and capture workshop] Members of the dive public are invited to attend a free lionfish safe handling and capture workshop on Thursday, June 20 at 7 p.m. at the Florida Keys Eco-Discovery Center in Key West (35 East Quay Road). Learn about lionfish biology, research, and safe capture and handling techniques. This free workshop is required for a Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary permit to remove lionfish from Sanctuary Preservation Areas with hand nets. For more information Bulletin Board
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I Surrender] At three o’clock this afternoon I was forced into giving up my battle with the mosquitoes here in Eden Pines.  I wanted to plant a flat of flowers to go around the yard, but I only got half way through it before they forced me in for the day. 

[Sewers] What would happen if everyone in an area, we could say a whole street, were to turn off the power going to the pump grind stations? (Ed: You’d have a lot of crap backing into in your house. Yuk!)


[Saving Animal’s Lives] Black Beauty Ranch, Texas. Video




[Magic Stairwell] There are no video tricks going on here.  These stairs baffle everyone who walks on them.  Anybody know what’s going on here? Video

[Altered Comments]  I do not believe those comments about CT editing comments. I sense mischief taking place by those posters. (Ed: Thank you for your loyalty, but I’m busted! In the process of editing language and grammar, while I’m at it, I often slip in something or other. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion for which I can’t find a cure. I’m a chronic editor. I’ve been doing it since high school when I got thrown off the school newspaper.)

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Never again will the diving around here be like it was in the 70’s.

[Gas] Doesn’t matter what the rate of oil production or coal production is or who is producing it.  What matters most is how much less of the stuff we need to be burning up into air pollution.  Just read where sales of the big SUVs are going up again.   When will we ever learn?

nira tocco realtor 9.12

[Microscopic Investigations] Power of Ten = The Diamond Lens. Link

[Corn-holed] Male survivors of rape while serving in the military say they are often deemed “liars and troublemakers” when they report abuse. The Pentagon estimated about 13,000 of the 1.2 million men serving in  the military suffered sexual assault last year, NBC News reported.  About 12,100 of the 203,000 women in uniform were sexually assaulted on  active duty last year.

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[Open House] If you watch real estate reality TV, you might have noticed that some brokers and agents have elevated the art of the Open House to an entirely new level. The fresh-baked cookies of yester-year seem to have been replaced by invite-only shindigs with free-flowing champagne, fine art showings and free Botox for attendees. Sellers, don’t be daunted. Link 

[Military rape] The invisible war A new documentary exposes the epidemic of sexual assault within the US armed forces. Link


Roman undersea concrete holds the secret to cutting carbon emissions. Berkeley Lab scientists and their colleagues have discovered the properties that made ancient Roman concrete sustainable and durable. Link



[Free Lecture] Mystery “Barrel Wreck” at Pickles ReefFlorida Keys National Marine Sanctuary invites the public to attend a free lecture on an unidentified Pickles Reef shipwreck on Saturday, June 29 at 7 p.m. at the Key Largo library.

It is theorized that the ship had been transporting barrels of powdered cement, which hardened underwater after the vessel sank three miles offshore of Key Largo. The wooden containers deteriorated long ago, leaving behind the barrel-shaped remains of solidified cement and earning it the nickname “Barrel Wreck.” For more information Bulletin Board 

[Restaurant Review] No Name Pub. The last time I went to the nnp the wings were raw, the conch fritters like little chunks of concrete, the pizza was served on a nasty greasy piece of plywood that belonged in the dumpster and the beer was warm. How that s**thole gets repeats is a total mystery to me. I’ve not gone there since. The day the pool table and juke box went out (several years ago) was the end of a cool place.

mommas14[Mangrove Mama’s is alive and kickin’] We are happy to say we have been the new owners coming up on our 1 year anniversary. We support our local residents and bikers throughout the year. We host ABATE meetings, fund raisers, car club meetings and donate to every fundraiser and charity that has come through our door. We have donated up to $35,000. in one year for local charities. Without loyal customers, we couldn’t be saying happy anniversary coming up in July. We have put all of our time and effort into cleaning up and fixing this wonderful historic building. We strive to be successful for you, so you have a clean, comfortable place to bring family and friends. Mangrove Mama’s is a family owned restaurant with a great local staff. Our doors have always been open to those who want back what was. A place to hang out and call home. We realize you can’t make everyone happy, there’s always that one negative response, but after 15 years in the business we still enjoy people, and that’s what it takes to survive in this tough business we call the service industry. Things have changed and Bill helped to achieve this with his time and efforts as a past manager. Thank you for your support and patronage over the last year. So if you haven’t been back to Mangrove Mama’s, stop in and give us a try. From the Family at Mangrove Mama’s, Thank you.

[Broken Tail] If you kept your sweet killer kitty in the house where it belongs the chances of it getting it’s tail broken would be greatly reduced.


Ten Commandments for mobile manners. Number 1: Thou shalt give top priority to those who are with you. Link

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Think you know the world? GeoGuessr will test your powers of observation and deduction. The website drops you into Google Street View somewhere in the world and all you have to do is figure out where! Click a world map where you think you are to learn just how close you came. Game

Sexual assault is a lowlife thing but I wonder how many of these incidents are like domestics when the woman just wants to retaliate against a fellow soldier or superior. All of this was hashed out and said it would happen, but all I hear is how bad and uncivilized our male soldiers are. In combat operations I’m sure the stress gets to both sexes and yes, women are in combat. Just go over and have a looksee. They are all over and in harms way — on convoys exposed to IED’s, etc. It’s a bad situation for all, but most of the leadership in our operations at troop level is awful. It’s been a long time for me, but I know many coming back are saying leadership is sadly laughable.

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ftr-ct[Captain Doom and Gloom] balls back in their paints instead of up their arses. It is time we got the trash out of America, got the people to be responsible for their actions and said f-u to all those blood-sucking freeloaders and foreign countries who live off of us.

“Fill brought down to the Keys by barge” Because the Lower Keys only has inches of wawa, no where near deep enough for a heavy barge. Second, the crane needed to transfer that fill is another Union and that is more BS! Third the Road Warriors like the over time and travel pay.

We want to thank the Electric Company’s “expert” tree trimmers for the magnificent job they did butchering the trees along our street. Seems they train you guys how to keep things beautiful with a pole saw and blind folds.

How come every time I go to the Citizens’ to read some document in PDF format their link locks up my computer and I have to Ctrl-Alt-Delete to reboot the page? Anyone else have this problem?  

religion politics zone
The reason that GW Bush’s numbers went up is because he’s been invisible and quiet and not seen for the last 6 yrs! Duh. Even Carter’s numbers rose after he left office.

Yet another Republican/Conservative flip flop on the NSA data program. The right has more flip flops then Jimmy Buffett. Link

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Vice President Cheney and W  tossed out The Clean Water Act clause for the oil drilling industry. A couple months back Nat’l Geographic had an article on fracking in N.D. It’s pretty scary what we are sacrificing for oil. Salt water and chemicals that no one has a clue what they are, other than the industry, are pumped into shale layers. I wonder what long term effect it will have on the ancient aquifers? Scares me.


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Right now we can’t be positive on the length and breadth of Team Obama’s digital intrusions into our lives. We can’t be certain that they are not compiling some sort of digital dossiers on those who have political views contrary to the current administration. But we do know that there is strong suspicion that that is so. We also know that there is credible evidence to support that belief. But, as yet there is not proof beyond a reasonable doubt. But we do now know for certain that  the IRS was targeting conservative political organizations, we do know for certain that the government is collecting nearly unimaginable amounts of data on each one of us.  We know it because they have admitted it.

They claim that it all is for our own good, to protect us from terrorism. If that is truly what they believe, then they should reevaluate, because the there is substantial evidence that the program is not working. Think about the Boston marathon bombing, the Times Square botched bombing, the botched show bomber, the botched underwear bombing, etc., etc., etc..

According to news reports the FBI does not routinely digitally surveil mosques. Incredibly the government’s sweeping surveillance of our most private communications excludes the jihad factories where homegrown terrorists are radicalized.

mosques montage anSince October 2011, mosques have been off-limits to FBI agents. No more digital or physical surveillance or undercover sting operations can be conducted without high-level approval from a special oversight body at the Justice Department dubbed the Sensitive Operations Review Committee. The identity of the members of the body is secret.

In a frenzy of political correctness the panel was set up under pressure from Islamist groups who complained about FBI stings at mosques. Just months before the panel’s formation, the Council on American-Islamic Relations teamed up with the ACLU to sue the FBI for allegedly violating the civil rights of Muslims in Los Angeles by hiring an undercover agent to infiltrate and monitor mosques there.

The Patriot Act, from, which flows the government’s power to monitor our digital lives  and thoughts, was authored by Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner, who introduced the PATRIOT Act on the House floor in 2001. Sensenbrenner has now declared that Team Obama’s excuses about recent revelations of NSA activity claiming that data mining is benign is “a bunch of bunk.”

Sensenberner is worried that Team Obama  and the secret Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act court have gone far beyond what the PATRIOT Act intended. Specifically, he said that Section 215 of the act “was originally drafted to prevent data mining” on the scale that’s now in place. And it’s growing.

Sensenbrenner, the  Chairman on the House Judiciary Subcommittee on Crime, Terrorism, Homeland Security, and Investigations, suggested that the secret nature of the FISA court has prevented appropriate congressional oversight over the NSA’s activities. He is demanding changes in the Patriot Act designed to ensure that the government does not violate our rights.

rob14Part 2) Some posters have a wedgie about a comment that our Deer Ed added to a post.  Deer Ed simply suggested  that Springer’s was a great place for locals. Deer Ed may have messed up a little for making the addition, but s/he damn sure was flat out right about Springer’s. We had dinner there last night, Mrs. FTR had steak, and frugal FTR had 1.5 great Rob Roys and a huge portion of meat loaf, mashed ‘taters, and veggies.  The steak was great, tender and cooked perfectly.  The meat loaf was better than my sainted grandmothers.  The wait staff and bartenders are some of the most friendly people in the Keys.

Springer is making a really serious attempt to attract us locals.  And it’s working, he gets good crowds. He hosts various local bands and events.  On Wednesday evenings he sets up his corn hole court.  You’ll have to see it to understand it. Kinda like horse shoes, only different.

Give Springer’s a try, for a real treat order a Rob Roy.

Respectfully submitted:


I was going to ignore this NNK sewer post, but letting false facts lie is what led to the troubles NNK encountered over the past many years. First, that per EDU amount of $48,000.00 is false:

Perhaps that amount you state included the electrical extension, but now that the electricity is there that figure is not valid.

FKAA’s decision model it to provide central sewers to all areas which can be serviced at or below a per EDU cost of $22,500.00. No Name Key design and engineering plans, bids received, show that NNK can be provided with central sewers (grinder system) for well under $20,000.00 per EDU. Those bid numbers alone show the area qualifies for central sewers.

Second, there actually is a matter of law involved: In 2010 NNK was added to the Federal 303(d) List as a “verified impaired waterbody in need of TMDL” (total maximum daily loads). This TMDL program is something imposed by the Federal Government to which the County would need to develop, institute, test, monitor, and report to the USEPA, and the County would have to pay for every part of that (such program could go on indefinitely). This TMDL program would be more costly than providing NNK with central sewers – period.

Luckily, the County was given a reprieve from this (forced) federal TMDL implementation because of assurances through the FKRAD (Florida Keys Reasonable Assurances Document) that it (the County) would provide central sewers to meet AWT standards of 5-5-3-1 to NNK (as was specifically spelled out in the FKRAD). The County FKRAD (assurances made to the EPA) was adopted by State Ordinance in February of this year –making it a matter of law.

Everything I stated here is true, and verifiable –Go look up the info. for yourself. Now that you have the facts, perhaps you can stop this ridiculous discussion.

There are 43 homes on No Name Key.  43 — that’s it! 43 out of something like 35,000 residences. So why in hell has No Name Key been the topic of discussion for so many years?  Does anybody really give a rat’s ass what happens on No Name Key?  I know I don’t.  Enough already.

[NNK and sewers] Happily turning down my rhetoric a bit, I think I hear you saying that the BOCC has the power to discriminate among and against citizens. We found that out 15 years ago, but in the end, and after huge costs to all, it was determined they did so by fiat, and not according to law. Wouldn’t it be a shame to allow that to happen again? For someone to endorse arbitrary codes for any reason is aiding and abetting tyranny.