2023 March

Friday, March 10, 2023

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Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
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[Conch Logic] To register my truck and boat in person costs $72.98, by mail: $74.78, online $80.00! It should cost more to pay in person because they have to pay for a building, utilities, insurance, and employee benefits, to collect fees, but online there is virtually no expense. It costs much more for us not to use the electric company resources.
It’s more expensive for the electric company for us to pay in person, yet they encourage it by offering lower fees if we do.
[Cartel Says It’s Sorry] In a bizarre turn of events, Mexico’s Gulf Cartel turned over 5 members tied to Americans’ deadly kidnapping. A secretive faction of Mexico’s notorious Gulf Cartel apologized and turned in five members who they say are responsible for the broad-daylight kidnapping that killed two Americans last week. Link
[Three Year World Cruise] Here you go … sign on and forget everything else… if you have an extra $89,997! Link
[Friday Moral] A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, ‘Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.  The Lord led the holy man to two doors and opened one. When the holy man looked in, he saw a large round table in the middle of the room. And in the center of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man salivate heavily. The people sitting around the table were thin, sickly and appeared famished. Very long-handled spoons were strapped to their arms, allowing each to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handles were longer than their arms, they could not bring their individual spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of misery and suffering. The Lord said, ‘Now you have seen Hell.” They then proceeded to the next room. When the door was opened, they saw exactly the same situation.  There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man hungry again. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.” It is simple,’ said the Lord. ‘It requires but one skill. They have learned to compassionately cooperate to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.’

[Top Shelf] Most expensive vodkas in the world. Link

[Blow It Out Your Ass] Watch these tiny bugs catapult urine with their butts. Super propulsion is a feat of physics—and a near constant occurrence for glassy-winged sharpshooters. Video (scroll down)
[Free Fruit] When you eat fruit, don’t throw the seeds in the trash. Wash them and dry them. Put them in a box and keep them in the car. When you are outside throw them out the window in places where there are no trees. Nature itself will take care of them. Or throw them out on a walk or bike ride. This practice has existed in Asian countries for centuries. Therefore, now their fruits grow everywhere. I would like to add that I observed a similar phenomenon in Slovenia. Walking through the forest on the mountain slopes surrounding the city, I was surprised to see apple, apricot, plum and pear trees growing there. Just collect them and eat them as many times as you want.
[Captain Doom and Gloom] A cashless society means zero cash. Every penny you receive will be recorded. Every transaction will be tracked. To replace your cash you will have one very personal debit card, then in a few years, everyone will have a tag stuck into their forehead replacing the debit card, then a tag will be imbedded inside your skull to tell Big Brother all about how you live, eat, shit, sleep and whatever else they allow you to do.


Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!

[Wisdom] No use getting this old if I don’t know everything.


Pushtun means mountain people.

[Reality Sets In] My wife and I sat down at the computer trying to plan a two-week vacation to some country just to break the monotony, but after a few hours of research we realized there is no place worth going to because of wars, crimes, poverty, racial problems, and outright hate for Americans. We are staying home and saving all that money to fix the house.
There are Chinese spies in the Keys, you can tell by all the photos they take.
[Friday Joke]Tea Is an evil substance and more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. Last night I drank 14 beers art the bar up until their closed at 3am while my wife sat drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent, and headed to bed as she shouted and cursed at me all night.
Please ladies, if you can’t handle your tea, just don’t drink it
I’m so busy doing what I must do that I don’t have time for what I ought to do . . . and I never get a chance to do what I want to do! ~Robert A. Heinlein
[Expensive Visit] Friends came to visit last week, from New York and were going to stay for a week but left early because of the high prices of gas, food and beverages. Seems they think the Keys are not worth it! I told them this is where the pirates still live.
[Pay $25 Million] Lower Keys Medical Center in Key West has been ordered to pay roughly $25 million to the parents of a Key West child who was born with mental and physical disabilities because of the handling of the birth of the child by hospital staff in 2021. Link
Florida Keys water main break fixed again, but water pressure took hours to restore. Thursday’s water pressure was almost non-existent because of the break at MM92; just one day after a pipe burst at mile marker 84.5 Link
Robert Blake, actor who was tried over wife’s killing, dies at 89. Emmy winner for Baretta was acquitted of 2001 shooting of his wife but found liable by a civil jury. Robert Blake, O.J. Simpson and Phil Specter all belong to an exclusive club of alleged wife killers.
[Burp] I didn’t burp for more than 20 years. My throat made strange gurgling noises, like a creaky floorboard. My body would get full of air. (No mention of farting). Link

As you can see it’s pollen season here in South Carolina.

[Friday Joke] A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F**k You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

The current Coconut Telegraph was published on 3/10/23 at 7:53 am.