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 [Captain Doom and Gloom] I’m pissed off. My wife was flying out of Key West, but her flight on American Airlines was cancelled. The problem in the Keys is getting to the airport from anywhere outside of Key West. Getting home is worse. Taxis want cash and don’t take credit cards and they smell bad. You can take a bus, if you can figure out the stupid routes and time tables. You can hire a private car and have someone drive you for half your mortgage. You can call a taxi and pay $85 dollars to drive you the 21 miles, like my wife had to do. $85 freaking dollars and no receipt to sit in a filthy sticky cab? It would have been easier to rent a car and leave it parked in the airport or on my street, until some nitwit decided to steal the hub caps, tires, etc. |
| [“Has trouble with his wi-fi”] His first problem is the he pronounces it ‘WIFFY’ |
 [Humanity’s First Pest] Bed Bugs. These pesky bugs have been thriving off of our blood for at least 60,000 years ago and may be considered our first “pest.” Link |
| [Friday Joke] A woman with small boobies buys a finely carved mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. The next morning, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my boobies size 44.” There is a flash of light, and her boobies grow to enormous proportions. She runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both return. The husband crosses his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my manhood touch the floor.” There’s a flash of light, and both of his legs fall off. |
 [Who Gives a Fig] Six reasons you should get more figs in your diet. Figs can therefore help to maintain good vision and can help to reduce the risk of or prevent macular degeneration, glaucoma and other conditions of the eyes. You can use figs to cook with or can eat them fresh, but a great way to get them into your diet is to eat dried figs as a snack alternative to nuts. Finding fresh figs is difficult in the Keys. Link |
 Guitarist and singer Rick Derringer, who shot to fame at 17 when his band The McCoys recorded “Hang On Sloopy,” had a hit with “Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo” and earned a Grammy Award for producing “Weird Al ” Yankovic’s debut album, has died. He was 77 and a hell of an electric guitar player! Some years ago he performed at Rainbow Bend on Grassy Key on the beach. Link |
| Your AARP calendar of activities for June is here. Full Menu > Ongoing Events |
 [World Bovine Mammary Secretion Day] This Sunday marks World Milk Day, designed to ‘celebrate the power of dairy’. The day of awareness, introduced by the United Nations in 2001, aims to highlight milk as a ‘vital, accessible food source that nourishes billions’. But one group who won’t be celebrating is PETA; it is calling for the name of the day to be changed. A more fitting title, it argues, is ‘World Bovine Mammary Secretion Day’. In a letter, written to the Food and Agriculture Organization, the group points out that cows secrete milk to feed their offspring in the same way as humans. However, calves in the dairy industry are removed from their mothers, often very shortly after birth, so that ‘the milk meant to nourish them can be stolen and sold to humans’. Link |
| You’re invited to tour our public safety solutions at the Verizon Frontline Roadshow in Miami, FL Wednesday, June 18 from 10 AM – 2 PM During this exclusive hands-on engagement, we will be showcasing our cutting-edge solutions and technology and allowing you to meet the team that supports our mission of keeping first responders connected. Register |
 [Educational Grants] United Way of Collier and the Keys (UWCK) is proud to announce the 2025 recipients of the Marine Science Educational Advancement Scholarship. This year, $47,500 has been awarded to eleven Monroe County residents pursuing degrees in marine science and related fields, reinforcing UWCK’s ongoing commitment to sustainability and conservation in the Florida Keys. Link |
| [Armed And Dangerous] Two people were airlifted to Miami-Dade County hospitals after being stabbed in Key West Wednesday afternoon. Around 3:30 p.m., police arrived at 800 Simonton Street and found the wounded victims. Their conditions were not immediately available. Crean said the suspect has been identified as 31-year-old Kentrell Freeman, but he has not been located as of late Wednesday afternoon. Freeman’s criminal history in the Keys dates back to 2012, and most recently includes pending charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and violating a domestic violence injunction stemming from an arrest in September. Freeman should be considered armed and dangerous. If anyone knows of his location, call 911. |
 Your own private weather channel. Link |
| Printing metal on glass with lasers. Link |
 Disarming an atomic bomb is the worst job in the world. One scientist did it twice! Link |
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 [Hero] Joe Clements stands outside of the Lower Keys Medical Center after being treated for his wound. 63 year-old Joe Clements came to the aid of a colleague being attacked with a knife. He was stabbed in the process. Link |
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| [Friday Joke] The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant, “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant, “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” “That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.” The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. “This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!” The clerk glances down and notices the problem instantly, “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.” |
 [Fix Your Water Heater] How to test and replace an electric water heater element. This easy repair can save you hundreds of dollars. Link |
| [Sounds Like a Florida Snowbird…] In an astonishing patch of bad luck — or was it? — an 83-year-old driver from Pomona, New York, has run his car into the same bank, with the same car, on the same day of the week twice within six weeks. The Briarcliff Daily Voice reported that on May 2, an unnamed driver ran into the Webster Bank in Nanuet and sustained minor injuries. The same driver also hit the bank on March 21, crashing through a plate-glass window in the front of the building. In the latest incident, the car crashed through the plywood covering the damage from the first hit. After the March crash, the driver said he thought his car had been in park when he stepped on the gas. He mistook the brake for the accelerator in the second incident. |
 Oh damn, I missed it. |
| [Dept of Commerce] The most difficult site to sign in to. U.S. Department of Commerce. |
 [Memorial Day Tribute] Words are really inadequate in describing the embracing essence of love and respect that saturated the auditorium at the Murray Nelson Government Center on Memorial Day. The standing room only audience was eager to voice their heartfelt respect and gratitude to our soldiers killed and missing in action. Scout Troop 914 under the direction of their brilliant Scout Leader Debra Swensson was absolutely phenomenal in their intricate and breathtaking “Presentation of the Colors”. All the Scouts in this “detail” performed spectacularly. They energized and set the tone for an uplifting and distinguished ceremony. The strikingly beautiful performance of our Florida Keys Community Concert Band was exceptionally remarkable. Each song was masterfully executed with precision and delight. Receiving standing ovations throughout the Memorial Day Ceremony. The bugler’s stunning and utterly amazing playing of taps, concluded our ceremony. Regent Linda Norman and the Daughters of the American Revolution executed their duties meticulously, as they reverently placed a Burial Flag at the foot of our Soldiers Cross. Veterans from across the board came to the podium and shared in a dignified and eloquent manner with the audience, their meaning of Memorial Day. American Legion Post 145 is a bedrock of patriotic fervor, forever availing themselves in service to their country and community. Their display at the auditorium entrance was invigorating and inspiring. The Fire and Rescue Departments, along with all of the First Responders assembled an outstandingly awesome exhibit at the entrance of our property, while simultaneously being present in the auditorium with their unyielding support. The Monroe County Sheriff’s Department was once again categorically complete with their extraordinary and breathtaking positive energy and support of this ceremony.The County’s Facilities Management Team, TV/Multimedia Manager and Veteran’s Affairs Office were flawless, regarding the beautiful video preparation and care of the auditorium. The impressively gorgeous floral wreaths donated by the Sons and Daughters of Italy and the Key Largo Civic Club, attractively framed and lent dignity to our service. Thank you all so very much, for creating a remarkably wonderful event. Sincerely, John Donnelly |
 [Sex] The only time I’m asked for sex is on application forms. |
| Blood donor gifts for June are a $20 eGift Card/Publix/Winn-Dixie Card depending on the drive location/sponsor and a One Blood Trucker Hat. Thank you to those who donate life giving blood. It takes all types to keep the beat going. Click on the link to see upcoming blood drives by entering your zip code and date range. Link |
 What happens when AI-generated lies are more compelling than the truth? Fake photographs have been around as long as photographs have been around. A widely circulated picture of Abraham Lincoln taken during the presidential campaign of 1860 was subtly altered by the photographer, Mathew Brady, to make the candidate appear more attractive. Brady enlarged Lincoln’s shirt collar, for instance, to hide his bony neck and bulging Adam’s apple. Link |
| As I get older, I find myself caring less about the little things! ~Al Bundy |
 [Why Are We Ticklish] The science of the silly response. The science of tickling is full of mysteries, but there are some playful theories. Link |
| The current Coconut Telegraph was published on 5/30/25 at 8:28 am. |