2019 September

Friday, September 6, 2019

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.

[New Tower on Sunshine Key] Proposed construction of an 87’monopole telecommunication tower within a 10’ by 10’ lease area. Project Impacts: Excavation and grade work to install tower foundation, utilities and access easements.  Project Area: 100 square feet.
Should you not respond within 30 days we will assume you have no concern or comment regarding the proposed undertaking. However, should you not want to comment we ask that you state so in a response to aid us in our timeline for this project. Additionally, should you require more information regarding the proposed project please respond to this email chain or contact my supervisor Miles Walz-Salvador, via phone, at 314-913-0505 tower ohio key
[“Letters with your street name.”] Here’s what I think, if these letters are all AI and self-generated, why can’t they self-generate customers and leave us alone.

[Chicken Legs] I went grocery shopping at Walmart earlier today and got some chicken legs.  Right before the young lady rang them up, I asked her if she knew if they were front or the back legs. She paused for a moment read everything she could on the package, not finding the answers, she then said I don’t know let me go ask the manager. So I let her go. She came back a couple minutes later.  Looked at me and said, “not funny”. I said sorry, but for me it was. The gentleman behind me said “for me too, that was a good one.”

Blondes! My wife just realized her credit cards and just about everything else does not work if the electric goes out during a hurricane. No shit, Sherlock! Some people need a good tap in the head to get going. Get cash, Dear.


I have read biographies of Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla. Tesla was brilliant and inspired. Edison was just a ruthless businessman who hired bright people to invent for him. Edison publicly electrocuted an elephant to demonstrate that electricity could be deadly Nice guy, huh?  Video

[“Nextdoor blog”] It’s a Stepford Wives inspired blog where all the neighbors spy on each other and complain about minor infractions of their cookie cutter neighborhoods and spread paranoia and fear in nice neighborhoods demonizing their neighbor for not manicuring his lawn.
[Friday Joke] The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.” The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”
[“”] I was availed of this bitch board when I fled the Keys after Irma. Where I live now it is the way neighborhoods complain about neighbors, report when their dogs escape and post video from their door bell cameras of neighborhood kids pulling door handles on cars at 2 am. In other words, whiners. Get off social media and be social, don’t allow cameras, recorders or Alexa AI in your home. The Keys are quickly being ruined with all the big city crap being introduced by the new breed of Keys resident. Anyone remember when we did what we did under the cover of darkness and no one paid attention? How I miss the Keys of old.




This $73 dingy parking ticket was on a dingy at the Kohen boat ramp. I never knew you couldn’t park a dingy there. It’s not like it’s a real boat ramp. The surface is only marl and the water is only inches deep there preventing a real boat from launching.

[Eat Your Vegetables] An English boy who eats nothing but French fries, potato chips and the occasional piece of ham has been left blind due to the extreme vitamin deficiency in his diet, doctors in Britain said in a report published Tuesday.





The original Col. Sanders with Alice Cooper in 1971.

Nextdoor is a very common area or subdivision specific blog upstate.  Perhaps not so much (or just not yet) in the Keys.  I am a member (Nextdoor Gulf Harbors) where I have a home in Pasco County. They are headquartered in CA so perhaps that is the Fullerton CA mentioned in a post from Tuesday’s CT. Here’s their ‘about’ link.
[Voyeur] We’re in the fabulous Florida Keys and have lived here for a few years. Now tell me where the clothing optional bars and beaches are. All of them.


[Party Bars] What we need in the Keys are bars with nice young chickadee bartenders worth looking at. Fast fanny waitresses and establishment owners who like to party and not care about making millions of rubles but give good service and chow along with top shelf booze! The Keys will never be a Miami Beach gold mine. Key Weird is now a retirement place for New Yorkers.

To the person wondering if Wetstock 15 happened. Yes it did and it was a great day of Peace & Music. I had put a couple of posts here on a few weeks ago, but kept forgetting to update with the hurricane scare as the day came closer. Sorry for not letting y’all know. Not once did I ever think about postponing it. It’s just too much work to reschedule this thing. So sorry if you missed it. We were blessed with the storm missing us and it was a perfect day and the vibe as they say in the old days was “out of sight”.
Thank everyone whom made it to the show.
Your friend,
Flip Flop Bob





At the Big Pine Moose Lodge, we have the NFL Sunday Ticket so every game, every Sunday. Don’t miss out on the fun. Interested in becoming a member? stop by the Lodge and we’ll tell you how.

[Bahamas Relief] Beware of scammers calling to solicit donations for the Bahamas relief efforts.  They are using various names like the “Bahamas Relief Trust” and others.  Do not send cash, gift cards, pre-paid cards or supply credit card numbers.




Looe Key Resort is for sale. Maybe the new owners will make the restaurant better. Link

[“Nextdoor app”] To the posters thinking Nextdoor app is a hoax. It’s not. It is an app that only allows invites from other neighbors to join. What you got was an invitation from someone in your contact list to join. Not a scam. Really. Try to use that thing attached to your keyboard to do a search of this. You will find an answer most of your questions.
Hope Town, Bahamas need your help. Link


[Old Men Forget To Zip Their Flies] This is true. I was trying to make a sharp turn in my boat and the “suicide” knob on my steering wheel got caught in my open fly almost causing an accident. Note to old men: take a shower and zip your fly before you leave home

[Poem] The Men That Don’t Fit In Link

[“Boat slides off trailer onto ramp”] I put Teflon strips on the bunkers of my trailer and launched my new boat at Spanish Harbor boat ramp. That ramp is the worst in the keys because of its very steep angle and lack of turn-around room for a boat and trailer. I guided it down the ramp, stopped, unhitched the safety strap, and was walking back towards the truck to back up to deeper water to launch it. Just then, I heard the big whoosh of my boat sliding off the trailer and the big BANG of my bow slamming down onto the concrete ramp through just 10” of water. Those Teflon strips work really well. (PS The hull is okay.)

We had dinner at Mangrove Mama’s the other night. Food was good, drink prices a bit high, but the local crowd was the normal happy bunch that always hung there. Good luck to the new owners. There are only three  good bar/restaurants in the Keys and that is one of them.
[Guns Are Toys] Looks like the gun grabbers are trying to corral all the ammo so we gun bearers cannot use our toys. Lots of markets are not selling ammo or guns now. Suggest you stock up before the British invade again.




Drowning in plastic. Every minute one million plastic bottles are sold. Forget about plastic straws, enough with single use water bottles already. Video

[Laws] What is law enforcement doing, making up laws as they arrest people for just about anything today? Like Billy-Bob got arrested for having his zipper open and resisting arrest cause his pee-pee was stuck in the zipper when he came out of the boys room. Or Sara-Lee had a lady’s pocketbook with the wrong initials on it! or Mary Jean had her bra off in the lady’s room. What ever happened to real laws.





[Check Point] Man turns to wife, “I’m gonna need my balls out of your purse.”

[Body Camera And Use Of Firearm] When confronted by a person with a gun you shall do the following:
1 Face the person with the gun.
2 Direct your body camera at the person. Stand very still.
3 Try to have your camera capture the person shooting at you.
4 Do not duck or turn away or the camera will not get the best shot.
5 After the suspect fires several shots at you, shout DROP THE GUN! several times as loud as you can. Use every non-lethal tool
available before drawing your gun. Start with Pepper Spray, then go to your Taser. Work your way up the Force Ladder, always
pausing to allow enough time for the suspect to surrender before taking the next step. If that doesn’t work, throw your baton as a
last resort, try to shoot the gun out of his hand. If the suspect doesn’t stop shooting and apologize you may try a well-placed non-fatal shot to the leg. Should your shot accidentally kill the person ‘there-is’ a problem.
6 “IF”… You are still alive at this point call your attorney. Call your bank and refinance your home to pay the fees.
7 Keep in mind that you will never be promoted. You will be investigated by the attorney general, the FBI, local district attorney’s office and The Civil Rights Division of the Federal Government and other tax supported people.
The ACLU, BLM, the press, leaders will comment and say you are a very bad person and all police need retraining.
8 Do not expect an invitation to the White House for a beer (pre-Trump).
9 If allowed to remain on the job during the minimum two year investigation you will be assigned to a desk or cleaning the restrooms at the station house.
10. While waiting for trial, be sure to respond slowly to calls for help and assistance, back off at the first sign of trouble, do
not stop obvious gang members or any minority person (all persons are a minority in this country), do not initiate any action on your own, pretend that you are blind if necessary, never remove your gun from the holster and always be very nice to those under the age of 18 no matter what physical threat or verbal abuse you may be subject to.
11. Remember, everything will be released to the press. You will receive hate mail at your home and for the safety of your family you must move them, preferably out of state, pending your trial