2019 May

Friday, May 31, 2019

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.


[Air Conditioning] After reading 100 pages of how to and how not to air condition a house, I’ve come to the conclusion that the local natives who live in tiki huts are the smartest humans in the tropics. They acclimatized and bit the bullet and live life as is, without the Holy Grail of AC. In other words, do as the snowbirds do, and go north to escape the heat. The only other way is to seal the box we live in, then stick a simple AC unit in each room, then use ceiling fans to circulate the cooled air. Hot air and moisture are the villains and soffits are the major culprits that make for a buggy, moldy haven. Build out of either disposable materials or sealed concrete foamed on all sides. There is no perfect construction method in the Keys. It all costs mucho money.

[Kids Not Reading] Parents, Grandparents, feeling guilty about your kids watching too much television? Just mute it and turn on the captions. Boom! Now they’re reading. Modern problems require modern solutions.




Who ever made these barstools is a genius!

[The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth] But not until the rest of mankind has vandalized it first.




[Day At The Museum] It’s not just the kids.  Adults are becoming more and more antisocial.

Friday Joke] I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said, “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on loose women?” I asked.
“Are you nuts!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t been with a woman in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and loose women.





[“Money plant”] Here’s mine. I didn’t realize they used to be valuable, thank you.

[Salt] The many crazy claims about salt. Link
[Abortion] Who the hell does anybody have the right to dictate what you can or cannot do with your own life and body? These religious nuts will destroy this world.



[Winn Dixie] Weekly ad. Link

[Words of Wisdom] Don’t piss into the wind and don’t drink your cocktail faster than the ice can melt.
[Being Famous] No one is famous for being a mass murderer and more; they are so frequent. What a sick society we live in.


Best things to do in Arizona. Link

AARP June calendar of activities is here. Full Menu > Ongoing Events
[Friday Joke] A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer replied, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here. “The lawyer huffed angrily, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don’t let me get my duck, I’ll sue you.”
The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What’s the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?”
The Farmer answered, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.




[Conch Republic Marine Army] The Big Pine Winn Dixie is supporting locals. This time it’s the guys who are cleaning our canals of the debris the official cleaners missed. The last two managers have really been supporting our community. Before them the managers didn’t even know what Key they were on.

[Time Is Circular] If I could only understand that theory, I could understand time travel movies.
[“Winn Dixie $50 coupon”] They said you get a $50 coupon for every $500 you spend. Such a deal!



My computer and phone really want me to talk to them. I don’t want to. Stuff keeps popping up asking me what I want; and trying to plan my day, etc. I hate it. I don’t want to have a relationship with my devices–they are only devices.

[Grants] United Way of the Florida Keys is excited to announce $233,000 in grants to 20 local nonprofits. As the 2019-20 Community Investment partner agencies, these non-profits will work with UWFK to provide access to nutritious food, education, financial stability and Hurricane Irma recovery for Monroe County residents.
UWFK knows long-term hurricane recovery work is still needed and is strategically utilizing remaining disaster funds accordingly for this grant cycle. At the same time, as the community recovery progresses and the Keys continue to return to normal over the next year, UWFK support is aligned with previous years.
[“Gypsies”] Midsomer Murders is a British TV show that has nothing to do with political correctness. The English have been calling them “Travellers” for centuries over there.




[Locals See Key West Attractions Free] What’s better than seeing all the sights in your hometown with friends and family? How about doing it for free? This month join us for a little sightseeing in paradise and explore these fun tours and attractions in your own backyard. Link

The Shiites are in the Keys, yes, every time my wife and I dine out we get the Shiites. Must be the water, eh?