2014 April

Friday, April 4, 2014

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsThe Original Unsocial Media
Anonymous Letters to the Editor with Pictures
Published Daily by Noon Since 2002
No Saturday Edition

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(Ed: Ta-da! You can now resize the CT while using your smartphones. It was as simple as replacing: <meta name=”viewport” content=”initial-scale = 1.0, maximum-scale = 1.0, user-scalable = no, width = device-width”>  with this new code: <meta name=”viewport” content=”initial-scale = 1.0, width=device-width”>. I knew you all were dying to know.)

[“Sleeping In Public”] Are we not one human family? That gentleman has to sleep somewhere. He may be homeless. The temperature in Quebec is still too cold to sleep in his auto there, and I would rather see him in his car then littering the woods like so many do. If he isn’t littering, or blocking traffic, let him rest in peace.

raqce-two-boats2012-00[Paddleboat Races] Big Pine & Lower Keys Rotary Club Presents the 6th Annual paddleboat Pursuit. Come join the fun on

Saturday, April 12, 11 A. M. at Looe Key Tiki Bar Waterfront, Ramrod Key Build your own paddle wheeler and race against your friends and neighbors.

The catch is only limited materials allowed. Prizes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place, plus bragging rights For a list of materials and registration information call Events

[“Trimming trees overhanging canals”] What if they’re mangroves? I’m new to the area and understand you need a permit to prune them. Is that true?
eyes bloodshot[“Are there any good eye doctors in the Keys besides Dr Maurer”]  Yes. Dr. Douville. He is very personable, thorough, and never in a rush.  You get his full attention. I have been using him for my eye care for years and have never had anything but a positive experience with his care.  The office number is: 305-204-8494.  He’s in the phone book.
Yesterday a notice was put on my mail box by FKAA. I thought in order to use my mailbox one has to pay the postal service. Does anyone know if that statement is true?



[More bar wisdom] I’m so old, I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor.

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enema pray[“Catholic Church Continued”] Jesus was a communist before the term was ever thought of–something for everyone. What’s wrong with that? Are you saying Jesus sucks because he’s a dirty, low-down communist?

I understand your prejudice when defending Mother Church, but sometimes words mean what they say. Your interpretation that the facts I “gleefully regaled” wasn’t so. I wasn’t gleeful, I was weeping for the Church. Why should I specify what good the church has done? If you don’t know already, why are you defending them? What’s the root of your defensive posture? Maybe you can understand this capsulization of my opinion: The Catholic Church needs a long overdue enema and Pope Francis might be just the guy to do it.

[Bitcoin] King Con, or how to get your money and turn it into useless washers.

[Joke Friday] Why don’t blondes like to breastfeed their babies?

It hurts to boil their nipples!

executioner joker

[Torture] A Senate report says torture after 9/11, in the name of homeland security, was ineffective and that the CIA exaggerated their results.

[How to Beach a Ship] There’s a beach on the west coast of India where they beach ships to dismantle them. It’s been in operation for many years and ships come from all over to be salvaged. Very dangerous working conditions at the facility. They sound Russian, not Indian – doesn’t matter. Video
[Sewers] Dear MS. Finley, I’m sorry that I called you out. You maybe getting a grinder pump too. I know you’re new to this area. I’ve been here 30 years and I don’t like what our County has done or not done for us here on BPK. If you will, please see if anyone has done a study on the impacts of these pumps when they fail. I spoke to an installer today, born and bred in Tavernier. He said, at training he brought up the question of power interruptions and they told him there were two trucks that would go around and pump each homeowners’ tank. Each tank takes 20 minutes to pump. You do the math. MS Finley, help us please. Gravity for everyone. Thank you.
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The DOW opens at 16,572 today making the 1% even richer.

[$5 Billion Fine] Energy company Anadarko Petroleum Corp agreed on Thursday to pay more than $5 billion to clean up areas across the United States polluted by nuclear fuel, wood creosote and rocket fuel waste that caused cancer and other health problems. Link
[“7 Mile Bridge closed on Saturday, April 5 from 6:45 am – 9:00 am”] You runners better hope to hell my wife does not come into labor this weekend, else some knees will be broken!

eye tattoo

[“Good eye doctors”] Oppenheimer Eye Clinic on N. Roosevelt is great.  Very reputable and thorough, the staff has worked with my husband and me for years with bi-focals and contact lenses.  Very professional.

[“Chamber’s special alert of Man sleeping in his car”] Oh give me a friggin’ break! An older gent sleeping in his car? That really sounds like a hanging offense. Here’s an idea, mind your own damn business. Don’t be so jealous of the old guy just because he is so much smarter than the idiots who spend your life savings on overvalued-hurricane-targeted-flood-prone property. The last I looked our vehicle dwellers were enjoying the true meaning of freedom, but the idiot sheep can’t have that. Print a list of Chamber member business so I can avoid them.

radiation spill

Three years after a tsunami wrecked the Fukushima nuclear power plant, the area is still off limits due to high radiation levels.

Grinder pumps could be fatal to key deer. Please, save our key deer!!!! Dump the pumps.



There are no federal regulations regarding “sell by” and “best by” dates on food packaged in the United States except for infant formula and baby foods. For the rest, the dates have little foundation in actual food safety science, as a result, Americans throw away billions of pounds of food every year over concerns that it has gone bad.

The crab trap post was just great, true Keys attitude. See you in August!



Happy Friday from Springers Bar and Grill. Today we have a great special for you, mahi with a pineapple cilantro sauce. This tropical treat from the sea is sure to fill the belly and please the most discriminating palate.

And don’t forget Friday night karaoke with DJ Nick starting at 7. Weekends are always something special at Springers, definitely a step above.

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[Friday Joke] A woman goes into Bass Pro Shops to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod

and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 ree and 10-lb. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Want a seat on the Tourist Development Council? This position is being advertised due to the end of term for DAC II Member, Charlotte Palmer. Any questions, please call our office at (305) 296-1552 or (800) 648-5510 or have the prospective applicant contact us directly.



Enough already about this sewer thing. Some of us would just like indoor plumbing. We could care less where everything goes after that, as long as we don’t have to pay for anything.

If the Cudjoe Regional Wastewater System were the “Let’s Make a Deal” show, grinder pumps would be the “Zonk” (booby prize) hidden behind door number 3, with the grand prize hidden behind a different door. Zonks are funny on the show, but not with a sewer system. Author Alan Lakein noted that “Failing to plan is planning to fail.” For example, where is the detailed contingency plan for the inevitable massive grinder pump failure that will occur after a hurricane storm surge? An inconvenient truth? one of many.



[Men] While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body. We men are so polite, we only look at the covered areas.

Bank of America was just fined over eight hundred million dollars, a drop in the bucket for them, for shady credit card practices.
[“Aluminum boat lifts”] The rudest boat lift owners are the ones who leave their lifts down while they are out in their boats. I know they are liable for any damage done to passing boats, but who wants the aggravation of getting a lower unit replaced and then possibly going to small claims court to get paid for it. And yes, I know that lazy and rude are often the same thing.
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ronald mcdonald crying


McDonalds closed all three of it’s Crimea locations. Nyet!

[“Banks for commish”] Hell yes! Please Banks, Do it. You’re the man. Please think about it. You have brought many of us Piners together. Banks, you’re getting the gravity system; and you are still standing up for all those who are not. Finally someone standing up for Big Pine Key. We always get the short end of the stick. I think you would make a great common sense commissioner. I believe you would think and do for all the county, not like what we have now, “who do I owe?” What a great person to run. Please think about it. I’ll help. I’m excited. Do it!
Ed, Thanks for adding a picture to my ad for sale of the Chrysler Sebring. One of these days I am gonna figure out how to add an ad picture. Sometimes you make me so mad, but then you do something nice and I rethink you.



Kawasaki Vulcan 800. Original mileage 5,000. Like new condition, has been in storage for 10 years. Extra chrome everywhere. Must sell, leaving in 2 weeks $2800 or best offer. Email me for photo. Call Jack, 617-775-8836 Classified Ads> Autos

There is a new male enhancement condom on the market call Tipper Wear, but I can not find them in any pharmacy. Anyone seen these?


The Way-Big-Yard-Sale on Big Pine near the No Name Pub is this Saturday and Sunday. Just follow the signs for furniture, plants, antiques, designer clothes, tools, art, boat stuff, and just about anything – except Tupperware. This is major.

The software company Mozilla,  maker of the Firefox browser, fired it’s CEO yesterday for his open stance against gay marriage. Fox New this morning criticized Mozilla for the firing the creep.
[Old Seven Mile Bridge] Kudos to the powers that be, then you pay for it, oh, great junta kisser. Locals have enough bills to pay, let alone a bill to beautify a junk yard. How about saving the first trans-Atlantic cable and the titanic too?


[“Sleeping in car”] Lower Keys Chamber of Commercers are a bunch of uptight pussies, sending out a mass email about a guy sleeping in his car. Who cares? Lighten up!

[“Banks Previt for commissioner”] Now there’s a person I can get behind!

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whiskey on the rocks

[Royal Whiskey for the Pope] Yesterday while the Queen of England schmoozed with the Pope she dropped off a bottle of whiskey she distilled on her estate.

Thomas Aquinas said Supernatural Revelation was faith and Natural Revelation was reason and the two are complementary. That might mean a lot but it’s too deep for me to understand.

That Facebook guy is a billionaire just because idiots like me signed up to tell the world all about myself and pay him to do it. How stupid can I be? Very stupid, just like all the millions if introverts who gave our money. Are we buttholes or what?



[Fashion Police] That’s just gross. Black knee pads with white socks! What was he thinking? Do they sell these pants at Walmart?

To the person looking for an eye doctor, try Dr. Oppenheimer in Key West (on N. Roosevelt). Both my husband and I were happy with him.

David Letterman turned in his one year notice. He’s following Jay Leno and leaving his late night show after thirty years.

pig-ct[Captain Doom and Gloom] The problem with this blog as is with many is the readers do not give a shit what happens, but always give feedback if the topic does not agree with their idea of what they thinkis right.  How many really supported fighting the grinder pumps only to ignore the warning from up-rights who know what is going down? Not many for sure. How many will protest using public tax money for projects that only give a small percentage of the gross profit back to the people? How many see how their hard earned labor has created a junta that all but robs them tax wise to spread that money to cohorts in the trades? You people deserve getting it up the gaga. Smile!

What everyone in the Keys should read about tipping. Link

“No wake violators”  Call the Marine Patrol and file charges. Else call Mr. Spalding and, well, you know!

I think it is about time to play a little baseball here in Jawsville to straighten out the junta and get control back to the locals. No paying taxes is another good way to slap them annalists down too! Where is my Spalding?

Some people on here would complain if they were hanged with a new rope.
You rock, FTR.  I really miss all the lefty loons and their goofy emotional responses to your reasoned missives.  I am looking forward to the entertainment. FTR’s response: Thanks Mom, the check is in the mail.
What in dear GOD is taking so long to impeach this illegal president?  FTR’s response: Even with all the harm that he has done, in order to impeach successfully, he must have committed high crimes or treason. It’s a very tough hurdle to get over.

FTR wrote, “Of that purported 40 million uninsured, it now appears that only 2.3 million previously uninsured now have insurance. Deer Friends, that’s about six tenths of one percent of the 40 million.”  Obviously FTR did poorly in math or he just makes stuff up. Actually, it is over 17%. Once again, FTR writes fiction and he wonders why he has little credibility.

FTR’s response: When you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  The critic was right at the same time he/she was wrong. The actual percentage of previously uninsured who “signed up” for Democare was not @ six tenths of one percent (.06) it was six percent.  I guess I’ve forgotten about decimal points in my dotage. Here’s the equation: 2,300,000 previously uninsured; Democare “sign ups”, divided by the 40,000,000 who were previously uninsured = .057 or about 6%. The critic was flat wrong with the 17% figure, he/she is even worse at math than I am. I’m sure that he/she was not trying to mislead, but, like, me simply made a stupid mistake.

Nonetheless, 6% is abysmal, especially when you consider that Team Obama spent about $700,000,000 on advertising. That’s just about the amount of money Obama stole from Medicare.

(Ed: National politics is back. Click on this link to send your national political post anonymously. No one will know your name or email address, [Well, maybe the NSA will] not even me. FTR is going to be the new national politics editor. Do not fear, FTR promised to post everything, even if he hates it, he’s that kind of guy.)
Your name and email address are not required. Please be civil. I Have Something To Say About National Politics–Click Here
from the right
National Politics. Your name and email address are not required. Please be civil.  I Have Something To Say About National Politics–Click Here

A poster wrote: A bit late, but still just as true.  FTR’s response: The posting came through with a great cartoon lampooning Obamacare, portraying it as an April Fool’s joke.  I can’t figure out how to include it, I hope that our Deer Ed can figure it out, it was worth seeing.

Thanks for taking the time, friends and critics alike.

democrat donkeyPart 2) Justin Snyder is a liberal activist who recently declared: “The Florida Democrat Party’s entire strategy has been to remind Floridians of the reasons why Rick Scott and his Republican minions are the wrong choice for Florida. The problem is that strategy hasn’t worked in the past.”Snyder says: “Crist is trying to re-position himself as a “populist” but his prior record doesn’t match his rhetoric and the party itself doesn’t have any positive rhetoric of the sort.  The FDP is rapidly becoming the party of no ideas, just empty rhetoric telling us how awful the other side is without attempting to present any evidence that shows we are better.”

In a way, it’s understandable that the Democrats, and especially Charlie Crist, are avoiding actually comparing Crist’s record with Governor Scott’s. Both men have a record to run on. Scott is proud of his. Crist, no so much.

Under Crist, Florida’s economy was in shambles. Now our economy is growing steadily. Now, unlike under Crist, when our employment rate far exceeded the national rate. Now, our unemployment rate is well below the national average.  

In February 2014, under Governor Scott, Florida added 33,400 jobs. While in the entire nation, Team Obamas Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that 175,000 jobs were created. My lame math skills tell me that here in Florida we created more than 1 in 5 jobs of all the jobs created in all 50 states.

Deer Friends, that’s damn good news.

National Politics. Your name and email address are not required. Please be civil.  I Have Something To Say About National Politics–Click Here