2017 April

Friday, April 7, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[FTR on Term Limits] Well Boys and Girls, it’s actually happening, a Monroe County elected board is considering term limiting themselves.  Next Tuesday the issue will be discussed at the meeting of the Florida Keys Mosquito Control Authority. If you are like three quarters of Americans, you too support term limits.  Now’s your chance to help make it happen right here in Bubba Land.  It’s way, way past time.  Please take just a few seconds and fire off an email to:  That’s the address of the hired director of the board.  Your email will make a difference. Your email might be as quick and simple as: “Please support term limits.”

Once again the email address  is:   Please just do it!  It will make a difference.

[Screwworm Dinner–Bring Your Own Plates] Our last two days of oral dosing will occur this Friday, 4/7 and Monday, 4/10 from 8-9 am and 4-5 pm both days. We have reached the 90 day mark at which USDA feels confident ending the sterile fly release program and we feel good about ending the dosing of the deer. We will continue to very carefully monitor the deer as we move forward through fawning season, this fall’s rutting season, and beyond.

We cannot express our gratitude enough for the enormous effort that you have all undertaken on behalf of the Key deer and the Refuge. To thank you, we would like to invite all of our volunteers who helped us with the Screwworm effort to a Volunteer Appreciation Dinner on Thursday, April 13th from 5-7 PM. All food and drink will be provided, but we would appreciate if you could bring your own plates/utensils/cups to cut down on single use waste. The event will take place at our Admin Office Building at 28950 Watson Blvd, Big Pine Key, FL (the end of Watson Blvd). RSVP to

Oh my! Somebody hold me! I agreed with not just one, but two of FTR’s posts today. I’m scared.
[“Affordable housing”] This is another made-up, feel- good phrase that people react to with emotions and not thought. Developers use this phrase when they want to expedite building something that normally could not meet the existing Monroe County criteria. We are being played. People, open your eyes and don’t be fooled.
[Friday Joke] Being nervous and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in California where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more accommodating.  As I lay on my side on the table, the beautiful nurse began the procedure. “Don’t worry, It’s quite normal to get an erection.” The nurse said. “But I don’t have an erection” I said. “I do,” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

[“No Name Pub had a brothel up stairs”] That’s not true. If there was any hanky-panky going on it was in the cabins across from the parking lot. There never was a brothel upstairs. A brothel has to have a madam or a pimp and some sort of regular hours and beds doe the deed. None of that was ever upstairs in the No Name Pub no matter how long ago you look. I’m not saying people never got laid up there, but there was never a brothel there. Don’t start that falsehood because in a couple of years you’ll see it in their brochures as part of the tourist attraction, and in fifty years it will be Key’s “history”.

[All Talk, No Action] As the saying goes “Two wrongs do not make a right”. Several weeks ago I wrote, and the CT published, that in the Winn-Dixie parking lot a late model, crapped out, windows open (no A/C) Eddie Bower Edition, faded green with gold/tan fender/bumper highlights Ford Explorer backed out of their parking space next to my small Honda Civic and put a dent in the front fender the size of basketball. There is a white bumper sticker on the Explorer that reads something like “I play with myself…buy Masters Baits” in black lettering. The two Winn-Dixie employees taking a break nearby, when the Explorer hit my car backing out without leaving a note, gave me the Explorer’s six digit Florida license plate number that ends with L84. In my previous posting, I ended saying that eventually the Explorer that hit my car without leaving a note would be found and paybacks are a bitch.

Guess what? Over two months later, in the same Winn-Dixie parking lot, around the same time of the day when the incident happened and close to where (I assume) the driver of the Explorer likes to park saw the hit and run Explorer! I had in my hand one of those small sledge hammers, and quietly walked over to the now infamous crapped out Eddie Bower edition Explorer, and prepared to execute a hit on every light and the windshield to get revenge. I could have easily pulled off my revenge and been a coward like the driver of the Explorer. I stopped without even laying a breath on that Explorer knowing that someone higher — God — or lower — a coward like the driver — will give the driver of the Explorer a lesson they truly need to learn. Winn-Dixie shoppers stay away from the green painted and gold trimmed old Eddie Bower Ford Explorer with a Florida tag ending with L84 and, finally, remember that two wrongs do not make a right.


[Poop Patrol] I was walking on the Cudjoe bike path this morning and much to my disgust found a giant pile of poop on it right before the bridge. It was either deposited by a very large person or a horse! I am going to guess horse because most of the Jersey girls have gone home. The rider needs to come back with a shovel and clean up their mess.

What I do when I am blackout drunk is none of my business!
[IRS] For the past 56 years I’ve had to pay and pay and pay. This year I’m getting money back. What’s going on here? Has the Government messed up? They’re giving money back?




Melania Trump’s official White House portrait.

[Photography Club Meeting] Looking for a new adventure?  We invite you to attend the Florida Keys National Wildlife Refuges Photography Club meeting.  We welcome everyone, from beginners wanting to learn, to experienced photographers who want to share their expertise.   Together we’ll explore the natural areas of the Florida Keys looking for great photography opportunities and stories to share. Bring 3-5 photos to share.  Learn about our upcoming field trips and photo classes.  We’ll have all photos from the 2017 Refuge Photo Contest on display for your enjoyment.  The meeting is scheduled for Wednesday, April 12th, 6:30-8:00 P.M. at the National Key Deer Refuge Visitor Center in the Winn-Dixie plaza on Big Pine Key. For more information, contact Kristie
I don’t have ducks.
I don’t have a row.
I have squirrels and they’re drunk.
[Facebook’s New Data Center] The 146-acre campus will boast two 450,000-square-foot buildings on both sides of Nebraska Highway 50 at Capehart Road. The two buildings will be accompanied by a 70,000-square-foot administrative building and connected by a tunnel beneath Highway 50. Construction will take about 18 months, Furlong said, and the data center is expected to be online in 2020. Video
The U.S. is broke and can not pay back the owed debt. We can only bully other nations, steal their gold and bomb those that do not fall into line. Russia and China are large enough, wealthy enough and strong enough, militarily, to stand up to the U.S. They have been quietly going about their business – conducting business – while the U.S. has continually conducted war with anyone and everyone. The U.S. has now set its sights on these two powerful nations. These nations are not Syria, Libya, Iraq or any of the other tiny nations these warmongers have bullied. This time will be different and the golden rule still applies – he who has the gold makes the rules. China and Russia have the gold, the U.S. has debt.
[Publix Donation] On April 5th, United Way of the Florida Keys received a $90,100 match donation from Publix Charities, the largest individual financial gift in the local nonprofit’s 36-year history. Publix Supermarkets runs a robust workplace campaign for UWFK, giving over $120,000 in donations from individual employees throughout the Keys. Publix is the largest workplace campaign for UWFK and has been steadily increasing their contributions to the Keys community for many years.
[Deportation] Four presidents had the cajones to deal with their illegal aliens. They took that step to ensure jobs for Americans.
Hubert Hoover deported all illegal aliens
Harry Truman deported two million illegal aliens
Dwight Eisenhower deported thirteen million Mexicans.
Obama removed more than 2.5 million illegal aliens.If those presidents could do it why can’t our president do something similar? If people come into our country illegally they are criminals. These criminals are costing taxpayers like you and me over thirty billion dollars a year. Couldn’t our tax money be put to better use.
The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, April 8, 10 am at the senior center.  Hope to see you there! Full Menu > Ongoing Events
[“Trumps donated paycheck”] First he said he “will not take a salary, I don’t need it.” He said this before he knew it was $400,000. His plan now is to take the paycheck, then donate it, and at tax time he plans on taking $138,000 or $158,000 – I’m not sure which amount – off his taxes as a charitable deduction, hence costing the US Taxpayers $538 or $558,0000. If he just refused to take the salary he would be saving US taxpayers $400,000 which could stay in the coffers to possibly help fund Meals on Wheels, etc



[Pink Star Diamond] A giant 59.60 carat pink diamond has become the most expensive jewel ever sold at auction, fetching $71.2 million at Sotheby’s in Hong Kong on Tuesday. Video

[“Deer Ed and Sloan Being Sued”] Sloan told the judge that Judith Haney is a “vexatious litigator” with over 30 separate law suits. The audience was all editors and reporters and bloggers and the State Attorney too, having been mentioned in one of Haney’s motions of intent to subpoena him.
[“Cuba not ready for prime time”] People have always heard about how awful things are in Cuba and how run down they are. When they finally do go to Cuba — they’re surprised that what they’ve been hearing all their lives is true.

American tourists: probably one of the most clueless and overweight bodies of people stumbling around the globe.



It’s now illegal in Russia to share an image of Putin as a gay clown. Link

[Childish Things] “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” ~1 Corinthians 13:11.

I have realized that I and many others living here never really put away our childish things.  We believe being young at heart is better than being a cranky old fart.

Milk used to be good, but lately it has gotten so thinned out, I just use water with my cereal and drink black coffee. That saves big bucks too!
[Snowbird’s Review of Stay] Some observations before heading home.
1. Is there some rule in the Sheriff’s dept. that requires the deputies to be on their cell phone at all times while driving? Certainly, they must be aware that distracted driving causes more accidents than drunk driving.
2. The Big Pine Key Bike Shop is awesome for prices and service and has kept me riding up and down US1 all winter which has made me aware of the distracted drivers.
3. The bartenders at Looe Key Tiki more than make up for some of its short comings. They are funny, fast and fair.
4. Thanks to all my neighbors in Breezewood Estates for not running my, old white-bearded arse, over as I bike through the ‘hood.
See you in seven months!
[Organized Greed] In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. ~Matt Taibbi
[Sewers] Remember when FKAA’s Tom Walker, P.E. publicly declared that a 3500 watt generator was plenty adequate to run your grinder pump? Here is the generator plug-in on one of FKAA’s E/One grinder pump control panels. Notice that it says 6,500 watt minimum generator required? There is a reason for that. When the power has been off, there is no flow in the forcemain until the inertia of the water column is overcome. Unlike a conventional centrifugal pump that just “slips” under excessive resistance, the progressive cavity E/One will struggle to force the column of water to move until it overheats or burns up (or something bursts from excessive pressure). E/One draws crazy high amperage under that condition. If your generator is under-powered, it may be damaged. Don’t expect Tom Walker to apologize for giving bad advice and replace it for you.
Now if you do have a monster portable generator that you intend to use to pump down your grinder pit, you may need to make up a cord to plug into the E/one control panel from your generator. It may be helpful to print the photo for reference so that you buy the right plug. And if you are on No Name Key, and expect to use inverter power to run the 120 volt, double amperage E/One specified for there, may God have mercy on your inverter. Since there is a re-pump station on No Name Key, there was never a need for unforgiving E/One pumps for residences there.
[Deer Ed Sued for Libel] So now we can all get to see what FTR looks like on 4/27 at 11:00 am in court. He will be going by the name “Deer Ed”[?]
[Optimistic Pessimist] You’re never too old to make new mistakes.
[Sewers] Here is a photo of neighboring sewer laterals on Summerland. In the foreground is a grinder pump lateral service valve and in the background, is a gravity sewer lateral clean-out box. A double gravity lateral serves two properties at a cost of $300 more than a single gravity lateral. Can you logically explain why the single gravity lateral was not made a double lateral for $300 more instead of installing a grinder pump on the adjacent property for over $9,000 more? Theoretically, both the valve and the clean-out are at the property line, but look at the difference in distance off the pavement.
[“Term limits”] To FTR, I’m the guy that wrote voters get what they deserve. Sometime late in 2015 or early 2016 a group of us got together to have voting by district only–not County wide. We need six thousand signatures of registered Monroe County voters. As soon as the politicos and their ilk got a clue what we were trying to do they whipped up their propaganda mill and did everything in their power to defeat our plan. We never got our 6000 signatures. Monroe County and its elected commissioners are evil and should be punished. The people trusted them to do the right thing and those commissioners lied, cheated, and stole from us. ~


[“People go to Florida to die”] Jimmy Buffett to Open Margaritaville Retirement Communities. Link

[Missing Funds] I heard a radio ad for a fundraiser at HOB school — $100 per ticket, to support a football program.  These fundraisers have been problematic in the past and the focus of AFC[?] activity.  I trust the school board will closely monitor this fundraiser so that it is in keeping with all District financial regulations.
[Booger Rolling] Sloan, I don’t think you should continue your nervous habit of rolling your thumb up and down your index finger as if you had a little booger (boogette) there all the time. It’s most disgusting. Might I suggest a tapping of the thumb and finger tip as a replacement? Any finger will do, or all of them, it will be your personal tic so do with it as you will. The disgusting habit of rolling finger boogers occurs just after you remove a finger from the edge of the inside of your nose hole.

Excuse me if I seem presumptuous in interfering with your neurosis, but now that you are a public homeless figure I think it important to present the most flattering image of yourself as you can. There’s nothing to be done about dirty cloths and unkempt grooming, but booger rolling should be pretty easily changed to finger tip tapping.

I understand these things and finger tip tap myself



[Alligator] MerMaid gardener-in-chief Stephy, spotted this critter in Port Pine Heights yesterday morning.  But it didn’t stop her.

R.I.P. Don Rickels. He was an a**hole, but a funny a**hole! Link



Winn Dixie’s new gas rewards program is not so good, but I found a way to save .40 cents a gallon without buying groceries. Just cross the 7 Mile Bridge and fill up. I paid $2.23 up there. The BPK price is $2.75

[Dementia] Does anesthesia increase the odds of developing dementia later in life? Does anesthesia hasten memory loss in persons already living with Alzheimer’s and dementia? Link
[“Regulate vacation rentals”] If you prevail, be able to take the flack for destroying the peace and tranquility of the neighborhood.
[“Guard Rails extensions: Why didn’t they just make the concrete a few inches higher in the first place instead of spending millions to install the aluminum”] It’s called the Brother-In-Law-In-The-Business Syndrome. It is a disease that is incurable except in Amish land.
Discussions are advancing on converting one of the National Park Service housing units in Key West to be utilized as a joint agency law enforcement unit.  Various sources of funding are currently being discussed to support this.

A new NOAA enforcement officer will be starting in the Keys. His supervisor will be Pat O’Shaughnessy

[“Sloan & Deer Ed sued”] Let’s summarize Judith Haney’s suit: Kind-hearted woman sees that hometown guy is living on street. She helps mentally ill bum, flies him to Birmingham, rents apartment for him, gives him money and car. Then bum scratches car, kind woman throws him out because of that, then he attacks kind woman. That’s the kind of dirtbag that gives all homeless people a bad name. Sloan should have ridden his bike into a bus long ago.


I don’t know which is less important to this planet: actors, sports figures or politicians. The most important is me, farmers, water workers, and Ed Norton.

[Arnold Schwarzenegger on Gerrymandering] Now you’ve pissed off the Terminator.  Video
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