(Saturday August 3, 2013. The Coconut Telegraph is not published on Saturdays)

99 44/100% Pure] People didn’t bathe much in early America. Mainly they didn’t bathe because they were still Europeans, and Europeans had feared warm water since the Black Plague appeared in the 14th century. The best medical opinion of the day told them that warm water opened your pores, which allowed the disease to enter. That belief persisted until the 19th century, when scientists and doctors decided that keeping your pores open was healthier than sealing them up.

Of course, most people didn’t have indoor plumbing at the time. In 1890, probably five out of six Americans were still washing with a pail and a sponge. It was just around this time that people started using soap on their skin,. Ivory soap was introduced in 1879. Before then, most soaps were really caustic; you would have used them on your laundry or your floors but not on your skin. When people washed their bodies, they generally used warm or cold water only, sometimes with friction. 

[Soundbite Culture] Unfortunately, today’s journalists, producers and editors are poorly equipped, either via education, background or budget, to appreciate how complex ocean and our Keys fisheries issues actually are. Hence reporting on ocean issues – and the vast majority of the public’s understanding of them – suffers greatly from today’s soundbite culture.

[Vietnam] Something I always wondered about was why the North Vietnamese Army bothered to take any of our guys prisoner and kept them alive since they sent so many of their own troops, unflinchingly, to certain death, and why they never expressed any interest in getting back any prisoners we might have captured.

[Sanctuary Blowing It] Any joint proposal that would ban fishing altogether in some areas and allow modest fishing in others areas will reflect an uneasy compromise between the people who make their livings off the FL Keys waters and government.  That is a road of hate – and distrust.  The Sanctuary is taking the lead on making those who live off the water in the Keys hate them.

I want Mosquito Control to give me a case of Off or I’m going to kill every butterfly I see!

[Sexual Harassing] The Real War on Women? A lawyer for the compulsive sexual harasser San Diego Mayor Bob Filner criticized the city for not providing sexual harassment training to the mayor, saying its failure to do so violated the law.

In a letter to the city attorney, Harvey Berger wrote that Filner might never have been sued for sexual harassment had he been properly trained. “If there is any liability at all, the city will almost certainly be liable for ‘failing to prevent harassment,’” Berger wrote in a letter dated Monday and obtained Wednesday by CNN from City Attorney Jan Goldsmith.

[Naval Air Station Noise] It doesn’t matter if you bought a mobile home on Rockland Key or an RV trailer on Big Coppit Key or a mansion on Shark Key. If you bought it within the last 50 years you knew there would be jet airplane noise. So shut up and turn your TV up.

Ballroom Dance on Big Pine Key (ballroom & Latin). Tomorrow, Saturday, August 3     from 7:30 – 9:30 pm. No cover. The dance will be held at the BPK Senior Center, 380 Key Deer Blvd, behind the fire station.

For more information call Mike Copola 305-747-8350 or Nana Lopez   512-970-4919

[Muslims Hate French Pastry] Syrian rebels have issued another fatwa (any religious decision made by mufti, an Islamic scholar who is an interpreter or expounder of Islamic law). It’s against croissants, and not because they’re fattening either. Notice the shape. A crescent, right? According to Syrian rebels, this thing is a direct affront to good Muslims, because it means the French are laughing at Muslims and rubbing it in their faces celebrating Europe’s victory over Islam–how long ago? Maybe the news just caught up with them.

I guess the Syrian rebels haven’t gotten the memo that croissants were actually invented by Viennese bakers during the middle ages, indeed to celebrate the defeat of Muslim incursion. They became the official pastry of France in 1920. Wherever croissants came from, there’s a fatwa against them.

Ordering a pizza with National Security Agency help. Link

[Snorkels] How come no one makes a one piece snorkel? The joint where the flexible mouthpiece attaches to the hard plastic tube is where they always leak. There‘s no reason they can’t meld the soft and hard plastics into a one-piece tube. They meld different plastics and rubber on fins already, why not snorkels? As for the mouth piece’s position — trial and error would give the manufacturer the proper angle to make.

[Fish Carcasses] Our pristine canal in Port Pine Heights was full of floating fish heads and carcasses after the recent mini-season renters on our street.

Owners, please have a note right there with your other holiday renter instructions, that clearly states how to dispose of the fish remains from their filet table. Do not dump this back into the canals we swim in!

[“Report on the homeless to focus on needs”] I don’t like doing anything for the homeless because most of them choose to be homeless. I only support National security, healthcare, EPA, social security, and consumer protection. I’m sure I missed some, but nowhere are homeless on the list.

[“Homemade mosquito repellent”] 50 years ago my fishing buddies and I made mosquito repellant almost identical to the formula posted yesterday. Instead of cinnamon we used oil of clove. Likely both smell better than any commercial product. For the first hour, we reported that it seemed to be working. The second hour, however, we each experienced the downside of our preparation. When we perspired the active ingredients that had been applied to our ears and foreheads found their way to our eyes and being applied by hand it found its way to esoteric and tender regions of the anatomy. The pain was memorable, and not easily extinguished.

[“Ho Chi Minh a Terrorist”] You can nitpick the Vietnam war to death (from both sides) and it won’t change the fact that the N Vietnamese were right to want to rid their country of invaders and they kicked our ass royally with minimal resources and great leadership.

The N Vietnamese fought all out. Most of you here let the politicians fight the war from their armchairs. You’re the guilty parties. I protested and got tear gassed for it and got called a Communist. I was the real patriot. Calling the victor a terrorist smacks of an American loser.

Geek meditation session.

[Phony Fish] If you don’t care that your favorite Keys restaurant substitutes tilapia for grouper or snapper, then this Dirty Jobs video may change your mind. Farm raised tilapia eat poop – lots of it – and then you eat them. Video

How sad that Rhoda Morgenstern has breast cancer.

[“George Patton has one of the lowest casualty rates of any general in World War II”] I wasn’t referring to his casualty rate. I was comparing the fact that he sent men to battle knowing they would die and he kept sending more men to die until the enemy was defeated to the same thing Ho Chi Minh did. Minh sent more men to die because that was the only weapon he had in good supply. Patton had tanks and air power.

When we put our personal views in the way of historical fact everyone loses. I recently read an account of some event in Cuba where the writer denigrated all the players he didn’t like when he mentioned them, (“low-life loser swine Che”) which greatly interfered with his account, which, otherwise was very good.    

[Crooks Running Lower Keys Medical Center ] Two large hospital operators paid kickbacks to clinics that directed expectant mothers living in the country illegally to their hospitals and filed fraudulent Medicaid claims on those patients, a federal whistle-blower lawsuit unsealed Wednesday said. Lower Keys Medical Center in Key West is one of them.

[Driving] If you ever want to piss off the largest number of people at one time try driving the speed limit.

Books that are most exceptional on herbal topics. Link

[Fun In The Sun] I petted an iguana and stroked its tummy and it closed its eyes. I watched another one stand up for a Bonaire (Dutch ABC Islands) French fry. A also petted grouper last month on  Little Cayman. Nothing beats Bonaire. We will be back in the Keys for the Vandenberg dive.

I’m kind of tipsy in the middle of day, now. (Ed: I had to correct the hell out of this post, I guess the writer was.)

The First Game of the Summer 2013 Bocce Season begins next Tuesday! If you are interested in playing, show up at the Big Pine Park at 6 pm Tuesday or Wednesday and ask the teams if they need more players. Please see the Bocce website for schedule and standings at: Link 

[Typo] I agree with President Reagan, you would not use an AK-41 as a defense weapon. I will stick to a reliable AK-47. Link

[Pest Control] Some non-toxic ways to deal with pests.  Link  

[North Roosevelt Road Work] What are you talking about? Be specific. The parking lots of the stores on Roosevelt that I shop at are jammed more than ever.  A losing business venture will fail no matter what the roads are like.

I bet any one of those spandexed bicyclists could kick your butt.

Toni Braxton is a hot chick, and we all know that hot chicks can do or say anything that pops into their tiny brains and all guys will clap, just in case there is an outside chance they will get some.

[“J.J. Cale biggest hit was the Buena Vista Social Club”] With all due respect, for sure, I believe Buena Vista Social Club was a Ry Cooder’s album. Check out Ry’s guitar in this photo, it looks like the control panel of the Starship Enterprise. Cool. It’s brobabably a Rickenbacker. They’re the only guitar I know of that has a “control panel”.

Crazy Mama was JJ Cale’s biggest hit. 

Someone with a good understanding of relativity. 

[Test Time] Can you pass this 101-year-old test for 8th graders in Kentucky? Link 

[“Water rise”] I will stop just short of calling you a bold faced liar but will say that you are sorely mistaken. There has been 0 inches of water rise in the last 35 years. There also has been 0 increase in global temperature rise since 1991. What you know just isn’t so.

Feminist blogger Hugo Schwyzer quit the Internet yesterday. Writing on his personal website, the Pasadena City College professor of history and gender studies said that he needed a hiatus in order to prioritize his “fragile” mental health.

“Look at me. I mean, who would want to be me? If you look at the men who are writing about feminism, they toe the line very carefully. It’s almost like they take their cues from the women around them. Men are afraid of women’s anger. It’s very hard for men to stand up to women’s anger. I did for a long time until finally my mental health had to be a priority. I just got out of the hospital. I’m not shy about that. I’m sober, but I checked myself into a psych ward for a week, when I became a danger to myself.”

I think any talk of tipping over corral heads to get a bug is BS.  Subscribing to this myth  is as old as time itself down here. Now, cow-tipping is another topic entirely!

Scary hair. I believe she got it done at her local Walmart.

[Crumbling Infrastructure] I am sorry but this post is not about supremely popular topics like the Tiki Bar or Picnic Island but what the hell does it take to get the highway fixed before regular people can not drive their cars on it without tearing them up or get thrown off the road.

No wonder the ocean taste salty.

[Off The Wall] What does not make sense to me is why are all the local fishermen protesting the new control laws of the fishing areas, when supposedly, the Keys have little or no fresh fish in the restaurants or supermarkets.

Where is all the fish these fishermen catch, going to if not locally? If these guys are rapeing our waters for just profit and not feeding the Keys, then close all the sites. Farm raised fish is probably cleaner, and healthier than the crap that is in the polluted waters here anyway.

[Captain Doom and Gloom] College students should pay taxes like everybody else, they live here and use the facilities. Especially those taking useless eater courses like acting, art, athletics, religion, and anything that is not a needed productive commodity. In other words, make the bums pay!

[Election Rigging] It’s widely agreed that Mitt Romney lost the race because the President’s base turned out in surprisingly large numbers, thanks in large part to the Obama campaign’s effective use of technology. That much we already knew.  But now, thanks to Dan Balz’s “Collision 2012,” we’re beginning to learn exactly how the campaign used technology.  And, as Michael Vatis, an alumnus of the Clinton Justice Department, persuasively argues, its key tactic was violating the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.

Here’s how the tactic apparently worked. Obama supporters logged on to both a campaign network and their Facebook account, allowing the campaign to search their Facebook network for likely Obama voters whom the campaign believed to be unmotivated or unregistered. Those voters would then get tailored messages from their Facebook friends urging them to register and turn out.

It’s clever. It’s the future. And it’s a violation of the CFAA. Facebook doesn’t let users share access to their accounts, and anything Facebook doesn’t authorize is very likely a federal crime. (Because Facebook is limiting access to information, not just use of information, the conduct was very likely criminal even under the more limited construction of the CFAA adopted in the Ninth Circuit.)

The Obama campaign doesn’t seem to have been deterred by the possibility that it was violating federal law.  I can think of at least four reasons why that might be.  Three of them are scandals. 

[Propaganda] I guess every generation has it’s supreme propagandist.  I was too young to appreciate Goebbels, the mouthpiece of Nazi Germany.  But fortunately I live in the era when I can be witness to Fox News, our modern equivalent.   There is the basic axiom that extols the fact that if you make the lie big enough and tell it often enough, eventually it will become the truth, and this axiom is the modus operandi of Fox.

When are you sheep going to admit the truth, that all the taxation and pet government projects, like war and statue building, are to keep the citizens poor so we do not hamper the rich and infamous or make the DC Brats sweat for a living. It is all about control.

FTR posted the following comments about the economy: “Our GDP has increased at a greater rate than expected”
“Last years economic growth was reflected the nations best economic spurt since 2005”
“Consumer spending the engine of the US economy rose by 1.8%”

He then said, “Damnit, were going backwards.” So increases at better than expected rates, the best economic spurt since 2005 and consumer spending rising are all going backwards? He’s too funny.

We all now know that the IRS will be the administrators of Obamacare. I think it’s safe to say that they probably know more about it than anyone else. Given that, it’s instructional that the director of the IRS, Daniel Werfel, testified to Congress that he didn’t want to become enrolled in Obamacare. He’d rather keep his current government coverage. And who could blame him? Read it and weep for yourself at: Link

Georgia insurance commissioner Ralph T. Hudgens warns that, because of Obamacare, “Georgia insurance companies are demanding massive rate increases up to 198 percent for some individuals.”  Regardless of what Hudgens says, there are reports that Georgia rates could actually triple. “Run Forest run.”

Part 2) Yessir, Mr. Obama has done an absolutely sterling job of neutering Al Quada and all of its clones.  Terrorism is on the run.  His presence has brought peace and comity to the world. Terrorism is only a vague memory. Remember Ms. Clinton’s famous Russian “Reset button”… how well that has worked out. At least that’s what Team Obama wants you to believe. But, the very nasty, very horrible truth is that the US is being forced to shut down embassies all over the world because of the threat of terrorism. Read it for yourself: Link

How terribly sad and shameful it is that we have slipped so far so fast.