2017 August

Friday, August 25, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002
Published Tuesdays and Fridays. Letters to the editor with pictures.

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My dearly beloved loves the Recipe section, Thank you! My question is, do all the recopies remain on the site or do you delete some or all periodically? (Ed: Thank you more. After 15 years someone finally appreciated the Recipe section! Yes, I keep them there forever although I shouldn’t because some of them are awful. They are all the food I eat and all the recipes I use to cook it. They are all tested and my favorites are updated with the little changes I continually make to them.)
Kudos to NAPA in Marathon for paving their parking lot!
[FTR on Congressional Benefits] I’m no fan of most of the boneheads in Congress, but the posting about their benefits last Tuesday was nearly totally factually incorrect.

Some congressional employees are eligible to have up to $60,000 of student loans repaid after several years — just like other federal workers. But that’s not the case for members of Congress or their families. (source Fackcheck)

Elected Federal legislators cannot retire with full pay after a single term.  There is a complicated formula that rules the issue.  In fact, according to Politifact, an elected official would have to serve for 67 years to retire on fully pay.  A three-term congressman (or one-term senator) who has now reached retirement age would be eligible for an annual pension of $17,588 for six years of work. That’s generous, but not close to full pay. (Politifact)

As to a legislator’s vulnerability to compliance with laws relating to sexual harassment, etc.  Politifact tells us that the Congressional Accountability Act of 1995.  made sure a variety of laws dealing with civil rights, labor and workplace safety regulations applied to the legislative branch of government. The independent Office of Compliance enforces the laws in Congress. The act specifically prohibits harassment based on sex, race, color, religion, national origin, age and disability.

Congress did not exempt itself from Obamacare.  Once again, according to Politifact, Section 1213 of the ACA requires members of Congress and congressional staff, starting in 2014, to buy health plans created by the health care act or offered through the state exchanges the act establishes.

We all love to hate the Capitol Hill Bozos, but there’s plenty to criticize them for without throwing erroneous info the mix.

[Benefit for The Underwood Family] Come by Marathon Community United Methodist Church
or Overseas Pub & Grill this weekend in support of the Underwood Family who lost their home in a fire on August 9. Video




Mexican food like we can’t get here.

Big Pine Key Winn Dixie’s Weekly Ad
[Missed the Eclipse?] Start making plans for the next one. In 2024, another eclipse will traverse the United States—this time from south to north. If you missed the 2017 eclipse, make sure you’re ready next time. Link
[Slave Holders] Do not use the $1, $5, $10, $20, $50 or $100 bills because they have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will guarantee prompt disposal of them properly.  This is in response against all things having to do with the currently politically correct unacceptable racist idea of acknowledging the  historic practice of slavery in America that was abolished by the 13th Amendment passed by Congress on January 31, 1865, and ratified on December 6, 1865,  long before anyone now living was born.

I repeat, do not just throw away those dirty, tainted monetary notes.

Our Credentials”  Neither my wife or I are former slave owners, nor are any of our ancestors. However, my great-great-paternal grandfather from Ireland was a white indentured servant in America for 8 years, beginning at age 8, because his parents had too many kids and no money. But that doesn’t matter to anyone today because it is not politically correct. Be assured that the $1, $5, $10, $20, $50 or the $100 bills will be disposed of properly by my wife who is certified to do so by VISA, MasterCard, Discover Card, and American Express. She has an unlimited credit card limits and manages to overspend it every month



America’s newest national monument.

[Friday Joke] An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery but, prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world.  Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.  After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife and $100,000 in appreciation for the blood donation. A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated so he telephoned the Arab and said, “I thought you would be more generous than that – last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”



AeroVolga LA-8. Link

[Friday Joke] Yesterday I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the local grocery store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, girl was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. She leaned in and said, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading kisses for a beer?”
I thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of beer you got?”  ~Coconut Bar & Liquor Store , down town Big Pine Key




[Car in Key West Canal] Don’t you just hate when that happens! ~photo/Brian Basham

Are you a real pilot? Link



The Turtle Hospital has put a $5,000 bounty on people who kill, harm or injure turtles. Link

[Monkeys and Congress] You start with a cage containing four monkeys and inside the cage you hang a banana on a string, and then you place a set of stairs under the banana. Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. You then spray all the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the monkeys with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original four monkeys, replacing it with a new monkey. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment – with enthusiasm – because he is now part of the “team.” Then, replace a third original monkey with a new monkey, followed by the fourth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

The monkeys who are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. Having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana. Why? you ask. Because in their minds, that is the way it has always been.

This is how today’s House and Senate operates, and this is why from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be replaced at the same time.
Disclaimer: This is meant as no disrespect to monkeys.

[Stretching An Issue] With regards to Confederate statues, the American flag could also be considered offensive as it flew over a nation that at least parts of which condoned slavery from 1776 to 1862, and segregation for another hundred years. This is where we are headed one “nudge” at a time.


Navy fires 7th Fleet commander due to accidents “due to a loss of confidence in his ability to command.” Aucoin was due to retire in a few weeks. The move follows four Navy accidents in the Pacific since late January, including two collisions that left sailors dead and missing. Link

Prosopagnosia is face blindness. 1 out of 50 people have some difficulty recognizing faces. Take the test. Link
[Friday Joke] A rancher named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2016 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the rancher, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany … Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored.  He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

[Three-fifths Clause] You have been living in ignorance; believing in a myth often repeated, sometimes by people who know better just to advance their agenda. The 3/5ths of a citizen clause was devised by opponents to slavery. The southern slave states wanted to count a slave as one person. Sounds good, huh? Wrong. They wanted to do this to gain more representation in congress so they could squash any legislation opposing slavery. The Overwhelming consensus of our founders was the need to add the, at first glance odd, 3/5ths clause. This ensured smaller representation from the southern slave states and would lead to the eventual end of slavery- the founder’s intent. Feel better about your country now please. Link
[When You Can’t Trust Your Security Software] Kaspersky Lab Has Been Working With Russian Intelligence. I wonder if those entities that Russia hacked during the elections were using Kasperesky anti virus? Link



Coconuts Bar and Liquor Store has the best drinks at the best price in the Keys. Free Wi/Fi & Pop Corn all the time. Cold A/C & Beer, TV’s everywhere & the only pool room in the Florida Keys. We open at 7 am and close at 4 am , 7 days a week. Something we have been doing for 34 years. All made possible with the help of “Piners” Thanks, Guys & Gals. We love ya’ The “NUT”.

[Great Generals] Here’s the irony: Robert E. Lee was the most decorated soldier in the U.S. Army. He was a man of unimpeachable integrity. Lincoln offered him command of the Union Army, but Lee refused only because his loyalty was to Virginia. Lee opposed both secession and slavery. And yet to the historically illiterate left, a man who opposed both slavery and secession has come to symbolize both slavery and secession.
Don’t Give Up The Ship trailer (Jerry Lewis). Today’s navy? Video
[Free Fish ID Classes] Become a reef citizen scientist! Learn how to ID Caribbean fish species by joining Allison & Carlos Estape at REEF Headquarters (MM 98.3, Key Largo) at 7 pm on the last Thursday of each month. Different fish species are reviewed each month to build your ID skills. Fill in a REEF Volunteer Fish Survey during your next dive/snorkel trip and become a citizen scientist by submitting your sightings to REEF’s Global Fish Survey Database. Visit & to learn more.

Classes start at 7 pm at REEF HQ (MM 98.3) on the last Thursday of each month.
Upcoming classes: January 28th, February 25th, March 31st, April 28th, May 26th, June 30th

For more information, contact Allison Estape at 305 794 5081. Link

My wife was looking in the mirror and asked, “Does this dress make my butt look fat?  I said, “Not as much as the one you wore yesterday.”  That’s when the fight started.
[Amazon Food] Amazon plans to use its deep pockets to make big changes at Whole Foods, saying it will cut prices on bananas, eggs, salmon, beef and more when it completes its $13.7 billion takeover next week. Helping Whole Foods win back customers who found “good enough” organic and natural products elsewhere — possibly at a lower cost — fits Amazon’s track record of keeping prices low to lock in customer loyalty. Looking ahead, Amazon hopes to give members of its Prime program special savings and other in-store benefits.



This weeks politics in review.

[Facebook for Business] Does anyone know how to open a commercial account on Facebook? I tried but they will not accept my business’s name, and they don’t direct me to where I should go to do it?
The Autism Society of the Keys (ASK) invites you to join us for free workshops in Key West, Tavernier and Marathon.  The upcoming Key West meeting is scheduled for Tuesday, September 5 from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. at the Grace Lutheran Church located at 2713 Flagler Avenue.  The next Tavernier meeting is scheduled for Tuesday, September 12 from 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. at 156 Pueblo Street near mile marker 90.

Workshops are designed to inform participants of resources available to your child and family and to create and provide continuing support through personal interaction with other families who are living with autism.  Resources include financial assistance with co-pays for doctor visits, help with transportation costs, specially programmed iPads, swimming lessons, special-needs equipment, and first-hand experience with the family challenges of autism.

Autism is a group of developmental disabilities that can cause significant social, communication and behavioral challenges and is the fastest-growing developmental disability today.  One in 68 children is affected by autism and includes hundreds of children in Monroe County.

Additional monthly meetings, all beginning at 6:30 p.m. until 8:00 p.m., are scheduled throughout the Keys as follows: Marathon – Courtyard Marriott Hotel – 2146 Overseas Highway, November 14; Upper Keys – 156 Pueblo Street – Tavernier, December 12;  Key West – Grace Lutheran Church – 2713 Flagler Avenue, October 10, November 7 & December 5.

For more information, contact Jill Campbell at 305-942-5172 or email

The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, August 26, 10 am at the senior center.  Hope to see you there. Full Menu > Ongoing Events

[Spanish words of the day] “Liver” and “Cheese”   A cabrón at the cantina started hitting on my woman.  I said, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
[Theatre Auditions] Auditions for the 2017-2018 season at Marathon Community Theatre (MCT), located at 5101 Overseas Highway in Marathon, are scheduled as follows: Saturday, September 9 and Sunday, September 10 beginning at 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. for the first show, Leading Ladies, a comedy written by Ken Ludwig.  Auditions for the remaining three main-stage productions, Noises Off, South Pacific and Making God Laugh, will be held on Saturday, September 16 and Sunday, September 17.  Dance and vocal auditions for South Pacific begin at 9 a.m. and script reading auditions for all shows begin at 12:30 p.m.

Leading Ladies is casting five men and three women.  Noises Off is looking for six men and four women, the wackier the better.  South Pacific will cast 19 men, 13 women, and two children under age 11.  Making God Laugh seeks three men and two women.

For further instructions and audition packets, visit or stop by the box office at 5101 Overseas Highway to pick up materials.  All information is included in the packets along with rehearsal schedules and performance dates.

Auditioning is fun and especially if you bring a friend along to audition with you.  Marathon Community Theatre box office is open weekdays from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.

For more information about Marathon Community Theatre or to become a member or volunteer, call the business office at 305-743-0408 or the box office at 305-743-0994

[CT Sucks] What is happening with the Coconut Tele? Tuesday’s was the most retarded posts I ever read. Go back to politics!



Deer Abe, How much concrete should I order for a new slab for a carport?
Thanks, Portland

Deer Portland, Calculate the volume you need in cubic yards. Multiply the length by the width by the depth, and divide that number by 27 (the number of cubic feet in a cubic yard). Then add 1 0 percent to allow for spillage and slab depth variations. If you’re not sure which slump (consistency) or psi (strength) to order, ask your concrete supplier to suggest the proper mix for your slab’s intended use.

The county should get the fellow from Big Pine Key[?] to build a gun range. He could save millions of taxpayer’s money
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