Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002.
Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.
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|[“Ants”] We have tried Terro on numerous occasions to get rid of those miniature ants. We would put the drops on the ceramic counter tops to no avail. Then we put the Terro on the stainless-steel sink. Bingo! the ants suck the Terro and take it back to their nests. Problem solved. We have no idea why this works but will not waste time wondering.|
|[Friday Joke] A drunk is driving home and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
|[“Subsidies”] On Tuesday a contributor would have you believe that we taxpayers pay well over $5k per person, per year, to oil companies in subsidies….and that we pay only $36 bucks a year for food stamps. The contributor demands change. Deer Friends, the contributor is absolutely wrong. A subsidy is a payment to a person or enterprise by the guv for any number of reasons. The fact is that this gub’mint pays not a penny in subsidy to any oil company. Not one stinking red cent. But we have paid huge subsidies to various schemes in support of “green energy” such as windmills, electric cars, electric airplanes, electric trucks, etc., but no matter how hard you search, you will find no evidence whatsoever that this admin, nor any other admin in the last half century or so, has paid one penny to any oil company in subsidies.|
|Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.|
[Port Pine Heights Community Yard Sale] This Saturday 2/12/2022 starting at 9 AM on Big Pine Key. Drive to the end of Key Deer Blvd and follow the signs at Gulf & Kyle Blvds. Multi-family yard sales throughout Port Pine Heights.
|[Conspiracy Mentality] Is there any solution to the conspiracy mentality? Why do people run so fast from truth? Just because something is possible doesn’t make it a fact. People don’t believe the fact that vaccines have saved hundreds of millions of lives with relatively few complications, but they’ll believe injecting bleach or other quack remedies will cure them when not one person has benefitted, and so many have died.|
My dream job would be delivering boxed of karma to jerks who deserve it
|[Letter Of Compensation] Dear Beneficiary, My name is Mrs Kristalina Georgieva, Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund. This is to inform you that the International Monetary Fund and the United Nations are compensating all the scammed victims $3,800,000.00 United States dollars each. Your name and email address was mentioned to the United States Secret Service by one of the scammers who was arrested. Bla, bla, bla…|
|[Crook] The news gets crazier every day. An 80-year old nun was busted and confessed to stealing $835,000 from the St James Catholic School in Torrence, California where she was principal, to fuel her gambling debt. She was facing 40 years in prison, but they let her off with one year in jail because she promised to pay it all back. Right. At 81, and a nun, where does that $835,000 payback come from? Drug sales? Selling a few orphans for Satanic sacrifice or adrenochrome production? It’s like they say, you really can’t make this s**t up.|
|[Opinion] Did you know that dumb people can’t do sarcasm? That takes wit and dumb people aren’t witty.|
[Spread Your Legs, Ladies] Yes folks, this was a print ad for the Pontiac Star Chief.
|[Friday Joke] An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”
The American scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “Fifteen or 20 years.”
“But what then?”
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”
“Millions? Then what?” the American asked.
“Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”
|[First Computer] It was estimated to have been constructed around 250 BC. This genius computer was a pipeline between the gods and Greeks. It predicted the eclipses of the Sun and the Moon. It connected the Cosmos and natural phenomena to the Olympics and other Panhellenic celebrations of the gods and athletic and cultural competition and excellence. Link|
|On eve of the Super Bowl halftime show, Snoop Dog is being sued for sexual assault. He’d better keep his “shizznil” in his pants where it belongs!|
[Olympics] You couldn’t find a better spot to build an Olympic venue.
|[Captain Doom and Gloom] Def: INFLATION, when greedy merchants raise prices to get as rich as they were before the world got the plague and people lost jobs and savings trying to survive!
Def: FOOD, what your neighbor will turn into if the world doesn’t realize there is nowhere to hide from this plague!
Def: PROFITEERS. People who could care less about their neighbors and will do anything for money, food, ammo and power, to maintain their existence.
[Hallucinate] Common plants that are hallucinogens.
|[“No decency Mr Haack”] Another sore loser voting against their best interests.|
|[Buying Property] Have you ever looked at a Key West house via Zillow and fall in love? Then notice the library stairs to the upstairs bedrooms? The realtors will poo poo the fact and say, “Oh, how cute”. Realistically, you’re not going to have a 250 pound family member or drunk tourist climb those things. I wish realtors were a little more transparent.|
|[Power] When it comes to money or men’s balls, never underestimate the power of a woman.|
|Watching TV a lot, I realized Washington DC has NCIS, LA has NCIS, NYC had Blue Bloods, Chicago has its Cop Show, Baltimore has one, New Orleans has two, and a bunch of other major cities have their own police dramas, except Philadelphia. That’s because, in Philly, kids don’t watch cop and robbers shows, they go out and do it for real!|
|[Friday Joke] A woman walks into a welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
‘Wow,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they all yours, then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’
The mother says, “To keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri. It makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, “Terry! and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell, “Terry!” and they all come ‘a running.
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch? ‘
‘Then I just call them by their last name.’
|[Enemies For Lunch] The Aztecs considered the flesh of the victim also as the very flesh of the captor. The eating of this human body was not an act of gluttonous cannibalism alone, but was believed to have mystic significance, the flesh having undergone some mysterious transmutation, by virtue of the sacrificial rite, and to be really consecrated; it was spoken of also, as the true body of the deity, to whom it was offered, and, also, as the “food of soul.” None but chiefs, and distinguished persons, specially designated, were permitted to partake of the sacramental feast, which was celebrated with much ceremony and gravity. If the victim were a slave, the rites were similar, but simpler.|
|[Bad Wound Gel] A gel applied to wounds to prevent microbial infections has been recalled after a bacterial contamination was found in the gel itself. And that contamination, according to the FDA-posted recall notice by Blaine Labs Company, can make RevitaDerm Wound Care Gel deadly. Link|
[Conspiracy] The rumor that Justin Trudeau is Fidel Castro’s love child leads Canadian government to issue denial. Link
|[Sacrilegious Nun] 80-year-old nun sentenced to a year in prison for stealing $835,000 from elementary school to pay her gambling debt. Her prayers weren’t answered. Link|
[Name that Plant] This vine grows great and the deer don’t eat it. It has lovely magenta flowers. The vine itself is incredibly strong. It leaks sticky milky stuff when bruised. The leaves stay shiny, dark green all year.
|[Friday Joke] My Wife ran off with my fishing buddy. I miss him. He had an awesome boat.|