2017 January

Friday, January 27, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures


[No Smoking at Moose] The Moose passed a no smoking rule at their club on Big Pine effective March 1. We can all join the Moose now, hurrah!

[Water in Gas] The Florida Department of Agriculture has collected gasoline samples from a Stock Island marina after a half-dozen boats had engine problems after fueling up there last weekend. Stock Island Marina Village hosted fishing boats as part of an annual kingfish fishing tournament. Within minutes of fueling up their boats with gas, a half dozen boats began to experience engine problems, which resulted in the engines’ alarms going off and shutting down the boats, several boat captains said. In some cases, the captains found water in the fuel, they said.
Young entrepreneur and aspiring baker, Lola Yong, entered the Key Largo cook-off using a slightly modified shortbread recipe from the Bouchon Bakery, created by the famous chef, Thomas Keller.  After winning 1st place in the Junior Division, she took a picture of herself with the trophy and included it with a letter of thanks addressed to him at his famous restaurant, The French Laundry, in Yountsville, CA.  A few short weeks later, and totally unexpectedly, Lola received Chef Keller’s book, Ad Hoc at Home, with the inscription and his autograph.  She was totally surprised and thrilled that he responded so generously.  She didn’t expect to hear back from him at all, let alone, receive a copy of his famous cookbook.
[Crooks] Stupid is as stupid does. Two brothers were arrested Tuesday for a home invasion on Stock Island after Monroe County Sheriff’s Office deputies tracked one via the ankle monitor he was wearing for an earlier crime. 32-year-old Orlando Grimon, of Stock Island, and 26-year old Alain Menendez, of West Palm Beach. Grimon was wearing the tracking anklet. Duh!



The Stock Market has reach 20,000 for the first time ever!

Closing the BPK road prison is almost as stupid as building a sewer system that probably won’t work properly, is undersized, and is $49 million over budget. Why is Holly Raschein letting this happen? 25 jobs lost, in addition to the valuable road cleanup which will cost a lot of bucks now – unless DOT doesn’t do anything at all?
[Sloan The Homeless] Last night was my first night in a while sleeping on the ground. Can’t say I slept any worse than I had been sleeping inside, but ground harder than bed, and bed in bedroom much quieter and private, than sleeping on ground. A homeless couple I see around came by my crib about 5 a.m. and the man started making a bunch of noise and woke me up. He saw me before he started carrying on. The woman left, the man got even louder, throwing stuff around, slamming his packs on a concrete pad, to flatten them out. Finally, I sat up, said to him, “Why’d you wake me up?”
No answer.
“Your mother didn’t teach you any manners?”, I pushed.
“I have no manners, I’m homeless,” he muttered, and kept rummaging and banging.
“I’m homeless, too,” I said. “You could have gone down there a ways to do that.”
No reply.
“Being homeless causes you to behave like a barbarian?”
“I’m not a barbarian,” he said. “And the cops come by here every day around 6 a.m., so you need to be out of here.”
I’d never seen him in there at that time of day, and I’d never seen cops in there. But my old homeless friend, Raccoon, had come to me in a dream earlier, and had told me he was glad I had gotten up early. I had thought the dream was about something I needed to e-file into the lawsuit, but perhaps it was about getting away from there before 6 a.m.
Even so, I said to the loud homeless man, “Are you banned from KOTS?” (The city’s homeless shelter?)
“We don’t use it,” he said.
“I know that, but that was not my question. My question was, are you banned from KOTS?”
“Doesn’t matter, we will not use it.”
“I don’t blame you. But it does matter. I will explain it,” I said.
I don’t want to hear it,” he said.
“Nevertheless, I will explain it. If you are banned from KOTS, you can sleep here. If you are not banned from KOTS, you cannot sleep here.”
I rolled up my military bed roll and put it and my pillow on my bicycle and rode away to my bank, to pull some money from the ATM without being charged a processing fee. I had no money in my wallet.
Then, I headed to Harpoon Harry’s, to wait on them to open and I could order their “mini” breakfast: one egg, home fries, toast, bacon and/or sausage – about $5.50. But I had to wait to 6:30 a.m., when they open.


[Today in 1928] 1928: The first Overseas Highway from Key West to Miami via Card Sound and with a ferry from No Name Key to Lower Matecumbe was opened.

[“Parking in fire lane at Winn Dixie”] I saw a truck there Monday and said so loudly while I was coming down the ramp. The fire lane was marked on lot “fire lane no Parking”, on wall, hash lines on lot. These people are rude and inconsiderate and there is no way they don’t know. People will continue to park there unless they feel the pain. If you see someone there call the Monroe County Sheriff non-emergency number at 305.745-3184. Say it’s a non-emergency call.
[“No parking space at the Post Office”] That’s because the Griswalds are back down on vacation and they have to mail coconuts back to all their friends. Most usually leave on or about April 1st, then there’s others who begin to believe they’re island people until the humidity rises at the end of April, then its back to being less over crowded — still crowded, but a little more manageable.

How much has it changed? When they put the bike path in, they made it cross US1 in multiple places. When it was proposed, and designed the traffic was less. By the time they got it built, or what pieces are in – there’s become a huge risk to those trying to cross where there’s no traffic control. It should have run down only one side of US1. I remember when riding a bike down US1 was enjoyable, now it’s dangerous.



[“Road prison closing”] Great write-up on EDUs and smelling a rat. My crystal ball says it will go similar to the Habitat building because big money beckons.

[Over Budget] Every contract with government, be it City, State or Federal goes over budget. Why isn’t there a clause that the contractor has to pay for cost overruns? I mean a solid clause. Their bids would be far more accurate than they are now. I’ve read existing clauses in construction contracts and there are so many exceptions they make the clause look foolish. It’s a racket people talk about but never actually do anything about–kickbacks? favors? Bubba?
Oh, did I say Jimmy Buffett was not much of a pilot? Sorry. What I meant to say was his music sucks.
Do you have a social media will?  What would happen to your Facebook page if you we’re to pass away tomorrow? The Fiduciary Access to Digital Assets Act is a start, but you will probably need an attorney to clear full access to emails, online banking, reward points, etc. Also sign up for an online tool on sites like Facebook, Google, AOL.  “An online tool is an inactive account manager type of thing to identify someone that will be able to access certain aspects of your account if your account went dormant.  Facebook or Google will send an email every so often to see if you’re active. If you don’t respond, then it’ll send an email to your designated contact and they’ll be able to access it. Link
[Medicare Reform] We need reform badly. The abuse is terrible. I had every test done that mankind knew about. I didn’t believe the doctor as he appeared to be more interested in selling medical procedures and devices than improving my health. I needed a second opinion, but before the next doctor would even let me make an appointment for just a consultation, he demanded my health insurance information or I wouldn’t be allowed to make the appointment. Who knows what these crooks are charging Medicare before and after my visit? Once they have that information the sky’s the limit!


Mexican president cancels planned DC meeting with Trump. Video

[Sloan Shutdown] Sloan’s sites are all taken off line.  Dang, the Mayor and city commission declared today a City-wide holiday. That kook not having a platform to stroke from everyday is best thing to happen to Key West since the beginning of time! Tugboat Tilly and Rick Boetgner and all those nut jobs are going to have to post on the Coconut Telegraph. It’s Sloan’s last refuge.



[The Hungries] Dangers of marijuana.

[Editor is a Left Wing Liberal] I’m confused, I was told the Coconut Telegraph doesn’t cover National politics. Is this post from you CT? Is someone paying for this space?I would like to know the guidelines. I do understand that the CT leans to the Liberal side & that’s fine. It’s your site. I have more of a center-Right view and would enjoy sharing it on the CT.   ~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store. Downtown Pine Key. (Ed: I removed the posted name because there are so many nutty people out there who might act nuttier.)

[The Right Wing Dictionary] Madonna.  nas·ty adjective
1 highly unpleasant, especially to the senses; physically nauseating:
“plastic bags burn with a nasty, acrid smell”
2 (of a person or animal) behaving in an unpleasant or spiteful way:
“Harry was a nasty, foul-mouthed old devil” · [more]
3 physically or mentally damaging or harmful: “a nasty, vicious-looking hatchet” Using nasty in a sentence:  Madonna is nasty.

[The Right Wing Dictionary] Racist. someone who wins an argument against a liberal.

Racist: a person who shows or feels discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or who believes that a particular race is superior to another:
Misogynist: a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.
Sexist: relating to or characterized by prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex: I have been called all three, racist, misogynist & sexist. The folks that use those terms are liberals & we were discussing — trade? They became angry, the same old poop started flying. It is so 5 minutes ago, let it go. Rest in knowing the country is in very good hands. Hands that are working very hard to make America Great Again. We could use your help, not your hate.

[TURD] Do You Know Someone Suffering From “Trump Unacceptance & Resistance Disorder”?
TURD is a pattern of pathologically dissociative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November 8th, 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time.
Sufferers of TURD often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, sudden bouts of rage, rioting, and uncontrollable crying.
People with TURD are characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again.
TURD is caused by the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. For many, both in America and worldwide, this was a shocking and unexpected outcome; their preferred news sources having failed to inform them that the alternative candidate was a criminal parasite.
Research is ongoing, but TURD appears to correlate closely with some of the following environmental and behavioral factors:
* Membership in the Democratic Party
* Identifying as a Feminist
* Currently enrolled in college, and/or Possession of a Liberal Arts college degree
* Living in a densely populated metropolitan area
* Massive student debt
* Spotty or non-existent work history
Patients with TURD are very resistant to treatment, and dangerous in large groups. Any possibility of treatment requires that they be separated from their hive-mind support apparatus.
They cannot begin the process of accepting reality in the presence of encouragement towards delusion and irrationality. Separation may require the assistance of law enforcement.
If you have a friend or loved one suffering from TURD, urge them to seek treatment. Together we can beat this scourge, and Make America Great Again.
CAUTION: If they exhibit violent tendencies, immediately report the incident to the police as they may be possible terrorist.  ~Coconuts Bar and Liquor Store



How come no one is praising Kellyanne Conway who is the first woman to successfully run a Presidential campaign!
Watch Kellyanne Conway do standup comedy in the 90s. Good thing she kept her day job. Video

Eric Clapton Unplugged. Audio


[Snake Hunters From India] The tribesmen removed 13 pythons in just over a week, including four from the Crocodile Lake National Wildlife Refuge in Key Largo. One of the snakes was a female measuring 16 feet long captured on Key Largo by hired guns–Indian snake hunters. Video

Bravo to FTR! Truths are not political comments. That is a great rule to publish by. It is very important that we, the public, know what Trump is doing on a daily basis; good or bad. Our only chance of having any influence is by relentlessly fully exposing his deeds and ‘alternative facts’ — good or bad. Forget your politics, let’s put him out there on the table, fully exposed, and see where it takes the deficit, wages, healthcare and your social security and Medicare benefits. The free press is despicable in many instances but is essential to what we have left of our republic (representative democracy.) There are plenty of lies and phony news to go around for the national politics page. Link





Big Pine has a new cover girl. Our very own Nira Tocco. You go girl!

[Sloan Shutdown] Oh no! Our Sloan has gone off the air! What happened? Was it the lawsuit from the broad in Birmingham? Why is he sleeping on the ground and not outside the KW Police station? Poor Sloan. (Ed: Sloan’s web host took both his sites off line. He thinks it is due to the lady suing him complaining to Bluehost hosting service. It probably is, because they shut me down once for posting one picture of FantasyFest. I switched hosts shortly thereafter. Sloan can’t because he won’t bother to save his user names or passwords that controls his domain names.)


[Homesick] I lived in Big Pine for a few years, now live in Key west, wishing I was back in Big Pine. I always considered Big Pine to be the ‘country’ of the Keys–down home.

[Anonymous Comments] Deer Editor, letting your readers anonymously slam people on your website attracts to your website the scum of the earth. ~Sloan  (Ed: If they weren’t anonymous, people like you would obsess on them and they would have to take you to court to get you to stop obsessing. Megalomaniacs need an enemy to focus on in order to feel good about themselves (see D. Trump).
[Bake Sale] The Key West Sail & Power Squadron is holding its 31st huge annual Flea Market & Bake Sale on 5205 College Road on Stock Island this Friday and Saturday January 27 and 28th 8:00 A.M. till 1:00 P.M. is a fun way to spend the day with the family. If you like flea markets, this is the one for you. It’s a great way to enjoy being outdoors, browsing, and searching for that special treasure you absolutely can’t live without. Enjoy the most delicious homemade cookies, cakes, pies, treats, cupcakes, and goodies from the bake sale while getting that bargain of a life time. Some items for sale are “nautical” items, but also jewelry, clothing, hats, sunglasses, electronics, binoculars, fishing gear, plants, clothing, collectibles, linens, glassware, cooking utensils, pots & pans, small items of furniture, yard essentials, sports memorabilia, kids toys, lawn & garden tools, infant items, auto parts, dishes, tools, collectibles, fishing and boat equipment, most anything you can think of and tons of items priced under $1! Call (305) 294-0096 for more information.
[Toilets] Yellow is mellow; brown flush it down. Toilet at University of Michigan helps convert urine to fertilizer. Urine diverted from the toilet and urinal will be treated and eventually used to create fertilizers for agricultural use. Link

Saturday is Chinese New Year celebrating the Year of the Fire Rooster. Things You Didn’t Know About the Year of the Rooster. Video

[Shop Local, Buy Local] and get ripped off! I love it when businesses claim to give local discounts. Why don’t they just say we charge tourists & out of town folks more?
Now we have to hear some person on the radio trying to get us to log on to his website to buy coupons? Who falls for that crap.
[Sewer Connections] A local plumber reports that he went to a property on Big Pine Ave. to quote a sewer connection this week. The property had a grinder pump placed in the only developed spot that would not block access to the carports and side yard where a big boat was parked. The piping distance is as far as most houses are from the street. The piping will not be difficult but the electrical will be difficult. The electrical panel is inside the house almost as far as it can be from the FKAA pump disconnect box, and it is inside a finished wall. The elevated house has exterior sheetrock under the floor joists. The plumber can quote the plumbing, but estimates the electrical circuit will cost more than the plumbing, including the fees and septic abandonment. Even if a circuit is taken directly from the meter can, it will not be an easy job. The plumber says he has not seen one case yet where a homeowner saved connection cost by having a grinder pump in the yard. The pipe is cheap and an uncomplicated trench is cheap. The fittings and labor at each end are about the same with grinder or gravity. Connection savings was another FKAA lie.
[Crooks] The FKAA illegally billed residents for untreated and uncollected water Court says. Will FKAA see the light now for folks not sending effluent to the plant? Check your water bill this month, Piners, and see if how they’re gouging you.
The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, January 28, 10 am at the senior center.  Hope to see you there. Full Menu > Ongoing Events


United Way of the Florida Keys Valentine’s Day Jazz Brunch. Link

[Noise Pollution] Ah, the sounds of the tropics: dogs barking after their owners let them lose on the street, two planes taking off, sirens and horns on the fire trucks and my new neighbors (renters) who have souped-up Mustangs and a Firebird that requires they be revved while they drive slow. Yeah, they got cams that lobe like the old days, but the noise down here has become big city ghetto. One neighbor asked why all the for sale signs? I grinned and told him the climate changed here and walked away.

Man, I miss the days of Bum Farto

Oceanside Marina hotel. Who is pushing this and who are they “connected” with?




[Two Dollar Gas] Just west of Chicago.

[“Deer Ed, Why are you permitting political comments”] Ed, your answer to this question should have been: “Because this is reality not useless BS. America is on the verge of collapse and people are still playing like airheads. Wake up!” (Ed: It will only be for a shore while longer as the hate, false news and alternate truths are already starting.)



[Hooker Heels] For the ho’ on the go. “Stroll and go” hooker heels.

[America For The Rich] Get ready America. You are about to see an America run by, and for, the rich and special interests like never before in history. It may not be possible to get out of this loop either. Let’s see how we like it
[Mail Order Gun Shop Permitted] I can now walk down a residential zoned street on Cudjoe Key and buy a gun from some guy in his house. What is next, residential brothels? wholesale booze in cases? used car parts from back yards? and whatever else someone wants to sell out of their million dollar home neighborhood? You plan, scrimp, save and, hopefully, find a beautiful place in Paradise for retirement, only to be trashed out by some low class neighbor. Time to sell to someone I hate.

[TV and Gas] I filled up yesterday at the Tom Thumb on Plantation or Islamorada–one of those places (the gas was only $2.39) The big thing is they had a TV built right into the pump called GSTV. Between commercials I watched CNN news, Sports and weather. It was pretty cool.

This is an interesting site about Florida. Link
[“Goldman Sachs”] Didn’t these type of investment company/banks start up about 2,017 years ago?
I couldn’t help but notice the smaller turn out for Trump’s swearing in. My first thought was Trump’s voters have jobs!


Deer Ed, Too soon?

The first annual Coconut Crawl. Video


[“Big Pine Road Prison Closes”] Repeal and Replace, but like healthcare, there’s no replacement in the works. Who’s going to clean our highways?

[Sloan Shutdown] Wow, no Good Morning Key West? Did that woman in Birmingham finally silence the lunatic ravings of the resident madman? Will he follow thru on his threats to kill himself if his sites were shut down? Will he finally board a Greyhound and retreat into the wind? Stay tuned, folks for the next episode of How The Crazy Man Turns?
[What Does This Mean] Attention hard corps con-I-sewers, do you have the peaches to try yard chili with the ingredients stole from the land of bad things. Said to have Curled the Bigoties of Uncle Ho. And for you snobs—no beans, not even 1, just Fire. Look for the little black cups with pure lava in it. Beware–not responsible for self induced injuries. You’ve been warned.




Parents night out.

Convince me that it is not drug money being laundered that is creating this monster[What monster?]

[Monopoly] An investigation into the ownership of the limited transient rental licenses in Key West show that more than half of the city’s 929 residential licenses are concentrated among a handful of properties and owners.

Autism Society of the Keys will hold a charity event on Saturday, February 4, 2017, at the HGTV Dream Home, located at 139 Gimpy Gulch in Islamorada. Enjoy an Italian dinner catered by Bayside Gourmet, entertainment by Reel Ting Steel Drums and a Silent Auction offering great prizes.

Speakers include Jimmy Morales, former City of Marathon attorney and current City Manager of Miami Beach; Cheryl Meads, Islamorada Village Council and Jill Campbell, President of the Autism Society of the Keys.  The Autism Society of the Keys’ mission is to help families affected by autism and to reassure parents that there is hope. Come learn about autism and the services, programs, support and assistance offered by ASK throughout the Florida Keys.

Are you interested in helping? You can donate an item for the auction, help sponsor the event or become an ASK volunteer. We are looking for people with the desire to help someone in their own family or someone they haven’t met yet who is touched by autism.

Save the date, February 4, 2017, 5 to 9 p.m. for an outstanding Gulfside dinner and social event.  Tickets are $50 per person; $20 for children under 12. Contact Jill Campbell at 305-942-5172 or email:

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