2017 July

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
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[Lobster Mini Season] Tomorrow the annual 2 day rape of the reef begins, otherwise known as “Mini Season”. A recent news article said that Monroe County can expect up to 30,000 (that’s thirty thousand!) lobster mobsters in our island chain for the two-day mania.  The result of this annual onslaught is continued destruction of our fragile underwater eco-system as the hunters kill coral, ruin sea grass beds, violate catch limits, cause havoc with careless and reckless boating and make a pain in the ass of themselves in general.  With a daily limit of 6 bugs per day for two days times 30,000 potential hunters, well you do the math.  Of course, not all of those people will be hunting.  Some will be here just for the party and boozing it up on the water while ignoring boating laws and rules of the road making the whole fiasco a hazardous two days.  It’s time to adopt a tagging system.  Lobster Mobsters would need to buy a crawfish stamp on their license and be issued twelve tags (the catch limit should be reduced to 4 per day for non-residents of the county.)   The cost of the stamp and tags should be expensive ($40.  $2 for each tag and $10 fee).  Every lobster tail would need to have a tag attached to be legal.  Fines for over limit and undersized bugs should be severe including confiscation of gear and boats for serious violations. We need to put a stop to the wanton destruction the violators cause.  That said, I wish all of our locals good and safe hunting and a good surf and turf at the end of the day. But to hell with the out of town lobster mobsters who care nothing about our fragile environment as they annually rape the reef. P.S. Take your dive flag down when there is no diver in the water!
[“Billing patients using secret code”] Yes, they are intentionally screwing us and Medicare/aid. With computer billing it is just as easy to automatically print ‘biopsy’ instead of the secret code BX



[‘Name the little blimp”] I vote for the name Mini Me as suggested in Friday’s Telegraph.

[Stinky African Arabs 1887]  Great attention is bestowed upon perfumery, especially by the women. The women have a peculiar method of scenting their bodies and clothes by an operation that is considered to be one of the necessaries of life, and which is repeated at regular intervals.  In the floor of the tent, or hut, a small hole is excavated sufficiently large to contain a common-sized champagne bottle. A fire of charcoal, or of simply glowing embers, is made within the hole, into which the woman about to be scented throws a handful of various drugs. She then takes off the cloth or tope which forms her dress, and crouches naked over the fumes, while she arranges her robe to fall as a mantle from her neck to the ground like a tent. When this arrangement is concluded, she is perfectly happy, as none of the precious fumes can escape, all being retained beneath the robe.  She now begins to perspire freely in the hot-air bath, and the pores of the skin being thus opened and moist, the volatile oil from the smoke of the burning perfumes is immediately absorbed. By the time that the fire has expired the scenting process is completed, and both her person and robe are redolent of incense, with which they are so thoroughly impregnated that I have frequently smelt a party of women strongly at full a hundred yards’ distance.
Big Pine Key Winn Dixie’s Weekly Ad


How to pour shots in a German bar. World record. Video

[Crook] 31-year-old tourist got a jump on lobster mini-season Thursday after he was arrested amid accusations he speared eight lobsters and wrung them on the water.

[Crook 2] A 24-year-old man is facing decades in prison after he was accused of carrying a sea turtle hatchling on Duval Street on Thursday, marking the fifth time this month that law enforcement have made high-profile arrests involving protected Florida Keys wildlife.



So what’s in the bag?

[Poker Run motorcycle event canceled] Although motorcycle gang members were not involved in a vicious fight at Rumors Lounge during last year’s Poker Run – the attacker was a biker who was also a member of the Tampa Fire Department – Mayor Cates said the fight was the final straw for the Sunrise Rotary, which was already concerned that Peterson’s donation to the group was shrinking while the need for its volunteers was growing every year. And when city commissioners said they wanted Peterson to find another local non-profit group to agree to sponsor the event, Peterson couldn’t find one in time. Link
[“Billing patients using secret code”] Indeed, they are stealing from us!  Medical billing is intentionally crooked and fraudulent.   Medical billing codes are described by the numbers 99211-99215.  CPT® 99213 represents the middle (level 3) office or other outpatient established office patient visit and is part of the Healthcare Common Procedure Coding System (HCPCS). Common Medical Abbreviations: Link



[Shed Wanted] I’m in search of something like this Rubbermaid shed. (305) 395-0588

[Rough Seas] Ship during Hurricane force rough weather. “Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.” Listen to what the radio operator is broadcasting at the end of this video (if you can?). Video

[Cashiers] I would like to nominate Publix and Winn Dixie cashiers for this week’s Middle Keys unsung hero awards.  When the Lobster Mobsters hit their vacation rentals, the housekeeper, of course, is the first to encounter them.  The hope is that they have pissed and eaten a snack somewhere before they hit the Middle Keys, so that they are not so cranky and irritable.  Then they load their fat asses back into the car/truck/mini van/SUV and head over to Publix or Winn Dixie. God bless those cashiers.

[Shoot Out] Guard shoots it out with bank robber. Guard 1, Robber 0. Video
Retro – Jay Leno and his Jaywalking clips collage. Video


[Russian Sukhoi 30 Tailwalking] This is impressive, wonder if the F35  can do these stunts?  See the Russian fighter plane doing a delicate solo dance at ground level. It is even more amazing when one realizes this is a deadly plane is capable of supersonic speeds and dropping nuclear bombs and shooting down almost any fighter plane. Video

[Taunting a Bull] More bleach in the gene pool. Video
[FTR: Term Limits Might Help] Deer Friends, here on CT we read a lot of digital jaw boning about foul ups wreaked upon us by our local and county governments.  We read and write gripes and bitches about mosquitoes, sewers, water rates, deep well disposal of effluent, utility costs, health care, our schools, and on and on and on.  Let’s simply face it, government just isn’t as efficient as we’d like it to be.  Nor is it as responsive to those it governs as it should be.  In our hearts we know that there are public officials who care more about scratching the itches of their fat cat political donors than they care about those who they serve.  Most of us are justifiably cynical about government.

So, what are we going to do about it?  Are we going to do the real easy thing and just bitch?  Or are we really going to try to make a difference?

Deer Friends, there are a whole menu of changes that we should consider.  Let’s act on term limiting all Monroe County elected officials.  Let’s act on implementing single member county commission districts.  And on and on and on.

If you really want to help to make changes, you must get involved.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, or unaffiliated, just do something.   Start out by making contact with one of the local political clubs and joining.  Attend meetings, get to know the movers and shakers, voice your opinion, get your friends involved.  Write letters to the editors.  Write to your local officials with your complaints. Don’t just sit there and bitch — do something to help make a difference.

It’s no secret that this olde fart is a Republican; therefore I urge those who are like-minded to check out the Keys’ GOP website. This site provides a ton of information.

I’m reasonably sure that there is a similar page for Democrats on the web, but you’ll have to do a little work on you own to find it.

Unaffiliated voters are in a quandary.  To the best of my knowledge there is no centralized organization for unaffiliated voters here in the Keys.  I hope that I’m wrong, and I hope that someone will post the info.

If you’re not a registered voter, and if you haven’t voted, you’ve got no standing to bitch about government. Make a difference!

Register to vote!

[Congratulations North Korea] It’s difficult to believe these Americans can be this un-informed and stupid. Video
I burned my stainless steel 1 quart saucepan and had to toss it. Now I can’t find a replacement under sixty bucks that doesn’t have riveted handles.  Riveted handles look professional, but they are harder to clean because the rivets on the inside collect crap. Pans with welded handles are so much easier to clean, but they are expensive. I can buy a riveted handle stainless steel pan for $15.
[“Billing patients using secret code”] That is one thing the new healthcare bill should address.
[Lobster Mini Season] Wednesday and Thursday is mini season. For divers, measuring devices are required and lobsters must be measured while in the water, not on the boat. Lobsters must be taken to the dock in whole condition. Divers and netters are allowed to take six lobsters per day during the two-day mini-season. No egg-bearing females or lobsters that have carapace lengths smaller than 3 inches can be harvested.
We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance and wealth with happiness. We are monkeys with money and guns.  ~Tom Waits



How two bodies stayed mummified for 75 years in a Swiss glacier. Link

[Marathon] “The council directed staff to start a survey of parking spots for businesses along the U.S. 1 corridor in an effort to develop a policy to address the varying availability and come up with an equitable solution.” From Marathon Council Meeting July 11.

Let me remind our Marathon City Council that they have a policy to address parking in the city. It is called your Parking Code and since it is your Code, it would be most equitable if you would enforce it equitably. There are currently provisions in your Code that address the varying differences in all your commercial business properties in Marathon from new developments, to re-developments, to older business properties, to legal non-conforming properties, including illegal non-conforming properties. Your problem is not with your policy but with your understanding of that policy. It was most revealing and interesting how little our Marathon City Council knows and understands its own Parking Code.

Lack of enforcement and, or, selective enforcement exists because it serves the best interests of certain City Council Members who have historically used our City’s rules to benefit themselves or their select associates.

Councilwoman Coldiron made the statement that whatever the policy, it should be enforced equally. A bit disingenuous in light of her actions in the Sunset Grille fiasco. The City clearly targeted Sunset Grille while allowing a much more dangerous condition to continue at 35th Street and U.S. 1 at the Stuffed Pig restaurant. This is not equitable treatment. Talk is one thing, actions speak to the truth.

Even if the City Council decides to change their current policy, they must enforce the new one and I see no commitment or willingness to enforce any policy whether it has to do with parking, signage, landscaping, etc.

It is going to be interesting to see how this survey will determine the actual number of parking spaces at the Stuffed Pig restaurant when there is not one single legal parking space designated on that property, even though there are two parking plans on file with the City — but never required to be implemented.  ~Bruce Schmitt

[Disciplining Kids] Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I’ve tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of those moments. Since I’m a pilot, one  method that I’ve found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye-to-eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired  results. I’ve included a photo.

[The Movies] I’m sick of looking at 40-50 year old men with a three-day growth of beard. Don’t they know that it makes an old man look older and look like he’s homeless or drinks too much? If you’re over thirty you’d better shave every day or you’ll look like a sloppy old man.



[Last Screwworm Incident Milestone] This is perhaps the final update to the Key deer/Screwworm Story.  We are in the process of removing collars from does that were in place to monitor them through the fawning season. screwworm-final update

[“Lobster mini season”] Know your mini-season limits!
1) 6 legal bugs per person per day
2) 12 legal bugs per harvester for the 2 days (Why do you need to haul a freezer here?)
3) If you need to put a camper in the front yard to handle the overflow from the house you rented with 6 other families – you’re over the locals’ tolerance level for lobster folks.
[Lobster Mini Season] To all our valued mini-season participants, 5 mph in the canals, no wake, take your limit and no more. We’re watching. They told the bikers to take a hike — mini-season should be next! I heard the State Attorney on US1 Radio Friday morning who said, “jail time”. Line up a jury for everyone arrested. I can sit jury duty on every natural resource case you bring–even on weekends. I’ll do it for free. I’ll even pay for my parking. My truck has three row seating so I can bring the whole jury plus an alternate juror. Deliberations won’t take long, We can probably run thru 3 or 4 cases a day. My only question is, how much room do they have in the jail?
[My Wife] Early Sunday morning I awoke to my wife gently stroking my thighs.  She looked deeply into my eyes and asked, “What would you like to do for the rest of the morning?”  I said, “Play a round of golf and have a few beers at the clubhouse.  That’s when the fight started.

[Summer Crush] Mark from Midland, the band, famous for “Drinkin’ Problem.” Great song, fast forward to 44 seconds to que it up.
This cat was an underwear model and soap opera actor. His Instagram photos make me swoon! Their whole EP is very good for $10 from the Midland Website and you Keys Diseased can also purchase coozies for $5 each and they will go well with your lifestyle. Video

It is wonderful… it’s Lobster Mobster Week… all the people are here to usurp our natural resources… Ins’t that nice? I mean here we are, ideally slowing down the rape of the planet… but noooooooo… Let’s encourage tens of thousands of people to come down here and stink up the place. so wonderful. Now me, on the other hand, I will just buy a $6 roasted chicken at Winn Dixie and be happy. No boat, no excessive spending, no sunburn.
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