2013 June

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Coconut Telegraph

Anonyomous letters to the editor with pictures

The Original Unsocial Media

Classified Ads     Bulletin Board     Business Directory      Contact Us      Menu    

an_anouncer[New Bar Owners] Yesterday while chatting with the new owners of the Looe Key Tiki Bar, I asked them if they were aware of the negative feedback mentioned on the C.T., and they mentioned that it has been brought to their attention, and have read the comments. According to them, they are only trying to feel out the situation as to improving the conditions at the Tiki. They have no intentions of getting rid of the locals, since they’re aware that most of the business has always come from local money. “I never said that we don’t care about the locals, it’s totally untrue”! They also want local bands to play at the Tiki. “In fact, every band scheduled to play on Friday’s, are local bands”. They are moving ahead with many improvements concerning the food & beverages, stage, bathrooms, parking lot & biker parking, motel, reef charters and so on. “It’s going to take time, but I’m sure the locals will be pleased with the end result”, one owner said.

~This is your Coconut Telegraph reporter, reporting all the news all the time!


The best way to hang up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence. That way they never suspect you hung up on them.



Coconuts Bar Ukulele Night and UkeOut jam session in Big Pine Key, (Mile Marker 30.5), in the heart of the “Trop Rock Republic”, The Florida Keys, is sure to be a true island experience. Don’t miss this awesome night full of laughing, music, dancing, learning the ukulele, showing one another what we DO or DON’T know LOL ,,, all the while having tons of great fun.

Tomorrow, Wednesday June 12th 2013 7-9 pm

[Sewers] At a meeting called by the Aqueduct Authority in Big Pine about a year ago we were told that the electricity required for the low pressure system would be “no more than a 60 watt light bulb” would require. I question that and also wonder why they said they needed a 220 volt  line to the pump with a high 30 or 60 (can’t remember ) amp breaker. Seems like a lot of power would be needed to push that stuff around the miles of the low pressure system very month. The bluepaper has a good article about this to  Link

A friend pointed out that they are charging us interest on our own money if we elect to pay on our tax bill. I also wonder about the “administrative costs” they mention in their recent letter.

an monster 3[ZeuS] When cybersecurity researchers discovered ZeuS in 2007, it seemed like just another nasty pro­gram designed to clean out bank accounts. Turns out ZeuS was the building block of a new cyber­crime economy–one that was simultaneously more lucrative, more democratized, and more profes­sional than anything online crooks had done before.

ZeuS allows would-be robbers to custom-build their crimeware. In a few clicks, they can choose which banks they want to hit, which scams to use to snare customers, and which method to employ to harvest all those account numbers and passwords. That, in turn, opens up the online heist racket to a whole new criminal demo­graphic–advanced skills no longer required.

If you can set up a web server, you can rob someone over the Internet. Just as Amazon web services made it easy to start a cloud-based company, ZeuS lets any­one become an online thief. At first ZeuS was on the expensive side, with a basic setup running about $5,000. Then, in 2011, the source code was published online and the price dropped to as little as $200. Meanwhile, crooks began adapting the crimeware kit, making it much nastier. They upgraded ZeuS variants with domain-generation algo­rithms, which made it tough for authorities to take down ZeuS servers. Then they did away with those C&C servers altogether, turning ZeuS into a peer-to-peer system.

Should you need help,there’s a sophisticated and growing market of cybercrime entre­preneurs waiting to assist you. Botnets–chains of millions of infected computers–are avail­able to rent for as little as $2 an hour. A basic denial-of-service attack? $30 to$50 a day. Infect­ing a single machine? As little as 7 cents, provided you buy in bulk.

“Really, what we’re seeing is crime as a service,” says Jeff Williams of Dell Secure Works. “It’s copy-and-paste crime.

Today millions of machines are believed to have been com­promised by ZeuS and its prog­eny. An estimated half a billion dollars in damages has been accrued. And the heists are only getting easier to pull off. Who knows how many crimi­nals just got themselves a new botnet while you were reading this?

[Florida Sinkholes] Be careful out there! Link



[Sewers] Grinder pumps will be used that are like big garbage disposals to grind up everything that shouldn’t be thrown down toilets. Some say they will clog and break, screwing up the new sewer system and costing us $30 million more in the long run..

Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email.  

Leslie Van Houten, as sick as she is, had nothing to do with the murder of Sharon Tate or anyone else at the Tate house as described by the old LA hippy poster and illustrated in the accompanied unrelated-to-Van Houten’s-case crime scene photo. Van Houten committed the “cruel and atrocious” murders of Leno and Rosemary La Bianca instead.



In 1770, Captain James Cook discovered the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Australia by accidentally running aground on a shoal. In 1974, Captain Conch discovered the Sand Key Reef off the coast of Key West by accidentally running aground on a shoal.

Fanci Seafood will be closed on Sundays until August. Everyone have a great summer!


[Sewers] I don’t know what would happen if you didn’t have your dedicated 220V when it was time to hook to the sewer system, but I do know it would be your problem. And the problem would be more trouble than hooking it beforehand. I have to do it and I wish I didn’t have to, but it’s going to happen and you may as well make it as painless as you can.

The guy posting his report on the grinder pumps has some kind of agenda. Maybe he wants to get out of the electric hookup fee. Maybe he wants to make a buck off his report. Who knows ?

It’s going to happen. Get over it and try to figure out how to do realistic damage control for yourself. 



If I had a dollar for every time a dog made me smile I’d be a millionaire.

[New Bar Owners] We love Looe Key Tiki Bar the way it was not so many weeks ago. That doesn’t mean it was a money maker for the former owners (or the bank while in repo mode). If the old guys extracted too much off the top and didn’t roll enough back in, that’s why they couldn’t keep it. I don’t know that part. I do know that the big one across the road used to be a fantastic place to go, but new owners changed the whole thing to a tourist destination. Not our destination anymore, and we’ve tried them a bunch of times hoping for a glimpse of the old place. Not there, different business model now, we don’t go there anymore. Hate to see Looe Key go the same business model route because it truly offered a breathtaking difference from the usual flamboyant tourist traps. A solid local base, and a successful off/on seasonal business needs local support. I don’t live fulltime in the Keys, but I’ve seen businesses at home make the mistaken decision to oust the locals and depend on the tourist dollars to get by. It doesn’t work, they go out of business without local year-round support. And, hey guys, fix the bathrooms. It ain’t Keysey cute, it’s gross! Best wishes and hope you folks have open ears. Otherwise it’ll be new owners again soon because you thought you knew too much about Keys business.


[What Is A Veteran] A Veteran, whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to “The United States of America,” for an amount of “up to, and including his life.” That is honor. And there are way too many people in this country today, who no longer understand that fact.

Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email.   

an_crawfish_cooking[Poached Lobster] 2 Men Charged With Poaching Nearly 500 Lobsters. A Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission report says 36-year-old Javiel Vergel and 38-year-old Eriel Casana Menendez were arrested on Sunday on multiple misdemeanor charges, including possession of lobster tails out of season.

The commission report released Friday says Vergel and Menendez “grossly exceeded” the daily bag limit of six lobsters per day per person, which is for the regular lobster season that runs Aug. 6 through March 31. Also, lobster tails can’t be separated from the body before bringing them ashore. The men had 468 wrung lobster tails.

Another 283 lobsters were under size and one was an egg-bearing female which are illegal to harvest in Florida. Link

[Term Limits] Having term limits is a great idea, but virtually impossible to achieve; the clowns who have been lucky enough to get elected are not going to vote for something that would put them out of a job. What else could they do that pays so well with so little effort? They may be dickweeds, but they are not dumb.



[Who’s Next] The backstory to that album cover is that Stanley Kubrick had declined to participate in the film version of the Who’s “Tommy” so they recreated their own version of the monolith from Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey and photographed the Who pissing on it.

[“Sexual assault in the military”] How come Israel doesn’t have such an out of control problem? Jewish men are trained to ignore pain!


[Code Enforcement] Holy cow! Yes a cow grazing down my street. The one from Monroe County Code Enforcement coming to mess with the guys next door. They have been building this boat house for the better part of 7 months.

She needs to back away from her breakfast table, and the waffles and maybe get to work earlier. She saw me taking her glamour shots, and asked me if I needed something, and I replied “Yes I do, for you to move your big ass out of the way you are blocking a driveway.”


I’m offering a free busted window to anyone who leaves their dog in the car on a hot day!



[Bulldog Drummend] I was watching the 1940 film noir classic Night Train to Munich and someone mentioned the fictitious English detective Bulldog Drummend and it clicked that the doowoop hit Searchin’ the Coaster’s sang, “gonna find her like Bulldog Drummend”. I always thought they were singing, “poor beau Brummel”. It took me half a century to figure that out!

The Coasters – Searchin’

[New Bar Owners] Why in the world would the new owners (if there are) of the Tiki Bar change anything other than enlarging the parking lot? We know we have to go early (7:00pm) to find a place to park. Do you think tourist would want to stop at a place with no local characters? Whenever I talk with tourist while there, they want to know all about us locals. Funky bands are good if they play something we can dance to, fast and slow. Prices are high enough. I get a shot of Absolute vodka with ice water on the side. When last there I paid $6 for it. I pay more and also less at other bars. I tip very well (25%) and am very pleased with the service. We usually have about 10 people come when we spread the word.

Bathrooms used to be bad but lately had been better. Keep on bitching and we’ll have no local bars. 

Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email.   

[Sewers] The Aqueduct Authority is using $22,500 (or less) per EDU as their determination for inclusion into the central sewer project. Any area which can be provided with central sewers for that cost should get central sewers, especially if that area happens to be comprised of all canal-front properties.

Water pollution doesn’t discriminate or spot-zone.

[“Ropes that hold your sunglasses around your neck”] If you want to be really trendy in the Keys, you have the latest sunglasses neck holder and a vented fishing shirt. I have seen guys wearing these outfits that don’t even fish-but they look real cool.



The gesture of salutation, greeting or reverence used by most Asians– where the two palms are pressed together and brought up to the forehead or lower, depending on the reverence– is called nop or wei (depending on the country).

The new Google Maps made a playlist to show you how to use the features. Let each video end and it will continue on to the next video. Video 

[Too Expensive Hotels] Deer Keys, Please bring down the cost of your hotels during the summer.  Gallinippers, the monster mosquitos are now taking over along with the lionfish peppered with tropical storms, hurricanes and the local degenerates make your place in the sun not very appealing.  The first thing you could do is only allow the locals access to the dirt bag Tiki Bar.  Rope them bitches inside and do not allow them in the better restaurants or to be seen anywhere else in the island chain.  They smell bad and deserve broken urinals and Winn Dixie.  Upstanding people of class do not and will not entertain themselves at such a disgusting place!  There are hundreds of bars and the better ones are down in Key West.  Why don’t the smelly drunken dirty biker types start their own dirt bag bar in Big Pine Key and only allow other dirt bag locals to drink then drive?  Then they could go home to their trailers, beat their wives and cut down some more trees.  Keep them cockroaches busy but keep them away from tourists!  We do not want to look at eyesores.  Which is why we usually book somewhere else with rooms that are not over priced for the area.  Your hotel rooms cost the same as luxury Caribbean spots and The Keys never have been or will be a five star destination with all the riff raff that lives down there.  Growth Management needs to accelerate their efforts and purge the down and dirty locals who disrespect the environment.  Fish collectors are decimating the coral reef and over-fishing is aiding and abating the loss of your only attraction.   




The Egyptian Fart God was called Deus Crepitus.

Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email.   



Coracle is a Vietnamese woven boat looking much like a bathtub or hot tub. It is covered in tar to make it waterproof.

[Editor Sucks] Regarding the post shown below that came out in Sunday’s edition, I’m the one that sent this in. However, I did not end it with “time to move on to Springers”; I ended it with “time to move on…” I’ve never been to Springers and don’t know if that is where I’ll move on to, but I don’t appreciate your editing. (Ed: I got caught!)

Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email.   




I’d like to meet the crazy sucker from ACME selling explosives to a coyote. And why hasn’t homeland security shut down this operation?

[Israel] The UN after WWII created the state of Israel because the plan was to allow all Jews to move to Israel from every country to get rid of them! 

nira tocco realtor 9.12



The Devil’s demon Sidragasum incites shameless woman to dance.

[Editor Wets Pants] You, the editor, must have a very thick skin. No two responders can agree on just about anything. Example: Susan Rice Is brilliant. No, She Lied. No it was not a lie.. Ok, since you think she is brilliant and I think she lied..Since I disagree with you, by definition I am wrong. It seems no one has any logic except their own. And the poor editor must be wetting his pants laughing at this subsection of America he monitors. My dad used to say, we can disagree in politics, I’ll hug your elephant, you can kiss my “ass”. But he did it laughing over a beer, not in anger or with malice in his heart. Of course, that was in the 40’s and 50’s,in a safer, saner, America.



[“How come Israel doesn’t have such an out of control sexual assault in the military problem”]  I have two thoughts on that. 1. it’s happening and isn’t reported.  2. All the hot chicks I’ve seen are packing.

[Shyster] So what if Jim Hendricks is representing White Street Partners in the proposed Peary Court development?. He has to make a living and  he was disbarred in that bribery case a few years back. He’s very good at getting approval for such things as this, and has lots of friends in high places from his Truman Annex days.  I’d hire him to convince anybody about anything!




[Hotties] No one has the right to look that hot! 

[Hate] In the mid 1600s Cardinal Gastaldi said the plague that killed 15,000 Romans in four months was caused by the Jews even though 800 of them also died in the ghetto. It goes to show that hate and prejudice has no rational.
Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email.   

doom-ct[Captain Doom and Gloom]  Government surveillance started with the first guy who thought it best to know what his enemies were doing back in the cave. First he started religion then hired some ‘rats’ then paid off the weak to form his armed guards, then sold weapons to both sides to increase his bank, then started wars among his own people to make more profit. Sound familiar?

“How do we respectfully tell the new owners that they are going in the wrong direction”  With Mr. Spalding, the lawyer!

“Global warming, will iguanas grow as big as Komodo dragons?” We locals hope so and hope they develop a taste for tourists and snowbirds!

“New Bar Owners” The main problem with NBO’s is they never did their home work before buying the joint. Never took the time to be there to see what the place will yield and how much fixing and what mods will make it work better. They dump all their money and effort after the fact, then find out it takes 24/7 and lots of sweat to make a few coins profit. “Oh It is seasonal, I did not think about that! I will raise the prices and screw the locals.” SITSD (Stupid is that stupid does)

If I had a small bar and snack shack in the Keys, it would be a Ttki for sure, decorated with neat island stuff, diving stuff, party stuff, decent bar food, good drinks, and comfortable bar stools, lots of parking, bug proofing, clean heads and bartenders with big ones and a few deep sinks.  I might even go with a private membership to locals only and enjoy a few weekly rubles instead of getting greedy and mean. Oh? The junta would not allow that, huh?

‘Insurance’ If you read your home insurance policies in detail and discovered that you have been paying for items not needed or items that never existed, can you get your money back that you have paid in for the last 1000 years? If not, why not? They charged you falsely and that is a crime! 

religion politics zone

[Whistle Blower] Mark Klein, the former AT&T technician and whistle blower who helped kick off the AT&T/NSA eavesdropping scandal, clarified further details regarding what he witnessed while connecting a secret NSA eavesdropping facility: secure room 641A in AT&T’s San Francisco switching center, presumably commissioned by the NSA, received copies of all the traffic its splitters were connected to, including both international and domestic e-mails, web traffic, and phone calls, both from AT&T’s customers as well as other providers.

We are all being watched and overheard.

I was told years ago that all fiber optic communication traffic was routed overseas so that everything was moved outside the protections of the law and Constitution and anything could be monitored. I thought the idea quite fantastic even though it came from a very reliable source that would know exactly such things. Then the story of the fiber optic splitters hit my radar. I now see now how easily exactly that, routing all communications overseas was accomplished

Contact Us. Send us your comments and attach any stuff you want published to the email. 

[Faith in the Unknown] I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than to live my life as if there isn’t, and die to find out there is. Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is being OK no matter how things turn out.



right only grey

Are you aware of a huge government project called “Dark Star”? It is under construction in Utah. It is a NSA project that involves building a huge facility to house computers which will have the capacity of storing 5 zeta bytes. That is enough to store every cell phone call and email for scores of years. Why? Link

To the poster who stated about No Name Key “now they want sewers” you are only half correct, they actually want water and sewers and want everyone in the county to pay for it. Now that they have power require them have stand alone aerobic systems (like all remote areas of the keys) so we all do not have to pay for their water and increased development. 

“Now they want sewers.” Is anyone really surprised by this?