2018 September

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsLetters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.​​​​

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[Sewers] Somebody asked where in the Florida Administrative Code does it say that the utility needs to own and operate all of the collection system. Here is one place:
“62-604.400 Design/Performance Considerations.
(1) All new collection/transmission systems and modifications of existing systems for which construction permits are required by the Department shall be designed:
(a) in accordance with the provisions of Rule 62-604.300, F.A.C.;
(b) to be located on public right-of-ways, land owned by the permittee, or easements;
(4) The manuals referenced in 62-604.300(5)(b), (c) an (j) shall be used in evaluation of the design and construction of alternative collection/transmission systems in Florida. A central management entity, be it public or private, shall be responsible for operation and maintenance of the on-lot facilities associated with alternative
collection/transmission systems.”
[Irma Crook] Some months after the storm there was a post on this site about a women who foolishly paid a contractor a lot of money–5 figures, He took the money and did nothing. He was able to stay in the home while making repairs, which of course were never done What type of man steals from an old lady and then lies for almost a year? A pathetic one. If you know of anything about this situation, this thief and liar, please contact me at 305-731-9132.

[Redneck Love] Recently, a female Sheriff’s Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. “A pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated. Link

I got a refund on my Nikes today, salesman asked why I was returning them? I said , “They hurt my feet when I stand for the National Anthem.”
I’m looking to rent a Bobcat for $200 for a weekend day on Big Pine.  Please email me at
I took a friend to Fisherman’s ER last Monday with extreme abdominal pain. Appendicitis? The ER entrance was blocked with lots of police so that Marco Rubio could have a publicity happening. Meanwhile her appendix burst! Maybe Mr Rubio thinks people just go to the ER with splinters and such? Maybe he doesn’t think at all? Fortunately, we convinced one cop that we were not assassins and he got us in.

It turned out that her liver failed with a vein clot along with associated abdominal infection and several other nasty complications. Most of it the exceptional ER doc at Fisherman’s diagnosed correctly after a CT scan, and latter confirmed by tests in Kendall after an ambulance ride. The Fisherman’s doc said if she had waited much longer she would have been on TraumaStar. This young, pretty, intelligent lady’s prognosis is bleak, but she is still alive and the pain lessened. But a medical emergency is not less important than a politician’s grandstanding in front of a hospital ER entrance. It’s as if one has no common sense.
I have to say that the Fisherman’s temporary ER is impressive: Clean, state of the art equipment, highly competent friendly and respectful staff. It would be nice to say that about the other hospital she would have been taken to in the lower Keys if an ambulance had been called. But in my experience, it would be lying. recently did a great job of fact-checking representations by George Nugent and Michelle Coldiron regarding the new hospital tax levied on the Marathon vicinity without the required voter authorization. Check out the two articles.


[Weather Art] The tropics look like a Vincent van Gogh painting. Starry Nights

[Truck’s Black Box] A friend had a serious wreck in a Dodge truck this year. Very nearly killed her. She stopped by with the “black box” event recorder upload. It recorded each wheel’s rotation speed, MPH, gas pedal position, throttle position, RPM, brake status, ABS status, seat belt status, air bag warning light and deployment commands, steering, longitudinal and lateral velocity changes, angular velocity and lots of other data for 5 seconds before the crash and a little after. All the evidence one needs, right? Maybe not.
I discovered speed changes that did not agree with the change in tire rotations, the accelerator pressed to 36% for 1/10 of a second while the brake pedal was being pressed, no foot on the gas pedal ever, yet speeds up to about 80 MPH. A reported rear-ender collision – with zero longitudinal velocity change, an air bag warning light that was not on until the moment of collision when the air bag did no deploy (a little late for a warning light, eh?), an indication of no seat belt (yet the police report said it was buckled and she just talked to the deputy who unbuckled it while thinking she was dead), and more. Dodge owns Jeep, and she traded in a new Grand Cherokee after it shifted gears on its own while in park and flung her as she was getting out, breaking her wrist when she hit the ground. I discovered they do that frequently since there is no mechanical shift linkage, just switches and programming. One lady shifted her Jeep to park, stepped out, and the car shifted itself to reverse. The door knocked her down and the front wheel ran over her pelvis. Ouch. Self driving cars scare me. One bad sensor and kaboom



Japanese cherry trees do not have edible fruit. I never saw any fruit at all. They are strictly ornamental and, so far, have not become invasive like the gallery pear (Link), or our hated Florida holly

[Old 7 Mile Bridge] One wonders where the 2.7 dollars that the Monroe County Commission gave to the State of Florida to help repair the State of Florida’s old 7 Mile Bridge. It had to come from somewhere. It wasn’t donated by private individuals and they didn’t magically find it in a shoe box hidden in the closet. One wonders if it came out of the Monroe County Infrastructure Tax money the voters chose to be taxed on in 2013. Maybe the commissioners and Administrator should be asked to explain, “Where did the money come from?”


[Poker Run] The old town merchants are going nuts because the KW coppers stuck guard railings all along Duval Street so nobody can park for Poker Fest. Smart move for the boys in black, but how the hell can we get to the bars and stores to spend our money?

[Priorities] Sometimes I have mixed drinks over feelings. Seriously.
[Privacy] How much does the US government know about you? It’s not a question easily answered. The US government operates the largest and most advanced spying, surveillance, and data collection programs on the planet next to Google and Facebook. Link
Yes, it is the truth that Trump did indeed cause hurricane Florence. My source’s friend was at a party where he heard someone say so. If the New York Times wants this info just use the Coconut Telegraph.
[Weather Theater] Dude from the weather channel bracing for his life, as 2 dudes just stroll by. So dramatic! Video



Tourists” by Janis Fitch  18 X 24 oil on gesso board.

[Mosquitoes] In just a couple of weeks we’ll see the start of early voting.  One of the local races that has really caught my interest is Mosquito Control.

The Democrat candidate’s campaign push is full of bragging that he was a part of the “good old days of Mosquito Control” …when men were men… and so on and on and on.  But there are a couple of things you might want to think about.

He brags that he was a part of the “team” that rid the Keys of Denque fever back in the day.  Well, that sure as hell isn’t anything to brag about, because his team failed to keep Dengue out of the Keys in the first place!

Then you have to realize that he had nothing to do with killing mosquitoes–he was an IT tech.  They don’t make mosquito killing strategy.

Then you have to consider that the “team” he was so proud of was rife with corruption.  Thousands of dollars were stolen, people went to jail.  Some damn team!

Then you have to consider that he makes no claim for having any administrative experience or training.  His opponent, Phil Goodman is a chemical engineer who owned and operated a large chemical business with world wide clientele.  ~From The Right Guy




A story of how our national anthem came to be. Video

[Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s Nomination] They’re trying to ruin a man for something he did when in high school while at a drunken high school party.

Crap, I’m probably a monster considering the time I clipped a girl’s bush and the next day glued the curly hairs to a component in the reactor compartment of a nuclear submarine under construction. I was 21. Ah, kids!

Does anybody know what happened to Wayne Hammond from the Pete & Wayne Show in Key West?

[“Remember when we put our money in banks to keep it safe”] I haven’t used a bank to keep my money safe since…? No debit or ATM card either. I pay cash. I do deposit just enough money into a free checking account to pay utility bills a couple times a year. When Irma hit I moved my vacuum sealed bundles of cash and packed it away in my vehicle. While evacuating, folks were trying to get cash from ATMs that didn’t work. I was my own ATM all the way north to my bug out spot. Screw banks and their fees, they pay crap interest. Bank of America loves the Keys so much, they removed their banks and left only their ATMs. Citi Bank has tele-tellers in their buildings (not real people–people on a screen!)

Before you comment, I was raised by parents who told me if I couldn’t afford to pay for something, I could not buy it. I bought my first home at 19, retired in my mid-30’s and got to the Keys when a house on a canal was under $200,000. Last April some New Yorker bought it for five times what I paid for it. I’ve moved to the land of the unpretentious Southern drawl and acreage. No imported fake fish, good roadside bar-b-que, nobody works on Sundays, not even realtors. I get told to have a blessed day every day!

[Who Pays] The Florida Keys Overseas Heritage Bike Trail cost millions upon millions of Federal and State tax dollars.  It was built for bicyclists and pedestrians.  Signs say “No Motor Vehicles”.  However, the huge water trucks regularly drive on this thin asphalt surface to water the new FDOT palms and plantings.  The weight of the trucks is destroying the trail.   Who will make repairs?

[Hurricane Florence] I’ve been thinking and praying for those in Wilmington – Glad I’m not in Wilmington, But I as well as U were in Irma – Your Irma was a cat OMG – mine upstate was a 2 – and I am thankful for that – thankful – even with our rain/flooding – the awful wind was gone when it got up here.

I remember Wilma and the surge over the 4 ft chain link fence across Aster Lane coming toward me & my home – awful. Video

[The Postal Inspector Who Took Down America’s First Organized Crime Ring] On the night of April 18, 1908, in the railroad town of Bellefontaine, Ohio, about 50 miles northwest of Columbus, 18-year-old Charles Demar walked into the fruit shop he owned with his uncle, Salvatore Cira, and put a bullet into his uncle’s head. Link


Some people need to sniff their eccrine glands (arm pits) before entering civilization. Some need nothing except a good wash, others need WD40 or even Napalm to keep from gagging others, especially locals. Please help. Notify those offenders with a simple, “You stink!” That works.

Serena Williams, “behaved shamefully” and showed an “appalling lack of grace.” Her coach admitted to the infraction that led to a penalty, but Williams turned the match into a pathetic spectacle of rage, complete with smashing her racket (again) and leaving the 20-year-old, first-time winner, Naomi Osaka, not only in tears on the podium but literally apologizing for her win. Link
Got mold? I found out the only way is to rip out everything that may have mold on it or it will come back. Spraying, fogging, tenting, and other bs ways to cover up the problem are just temporary fixes. Burning the house down is not a good way either. Hope you people have mold insurance to cover the entire problem.


If a bar bans smoking cigars and people smoke cigarettes, can I sue the bar? Seems to me the cigarettes are more health damaging than cigars and stink more too!

[No More Hurricanes] I’m opting out of hurricanes this year.  Go to the Weather app > Settings> Hurricanes > Opt Out. Don’t forget to check the “opt out” option. I’m not partaking in hurricanes this year, I’m still overdosed with last year’s, so don’t call me or expect anything of me
[Jimmy Buffett’s The Development] Explore the Margaritaville-inspired lifestyle with a 3-days/2-nights One Particular Getaway at One Particular Harbour on Anna Maria Island for only $229!  Link





Never buy a dog when you’re drunk.

So a good Conservative can’t drive Ford trucks, can’t wear Nikes, has to boycott Willie Nelson, and should hate Harley Davidson? Now we will have a bunch of people with no shoes or vehicles walking around listening to jug bands for entertainment.
My wife just came back from food shopping with eight bags of groceries. She tried to carry them up our twenty steps all at once to save time. I told her to only carry two at a time and run. That’s when the fight started.


Final Atlantic Fleet training and testing environmental impact statement released. Public input was a valuable part of the process, and the Navy accepted input through a comment period. The Navy will continue to use previously agreed upon mitigation measures, as well as, implement new mitigation measures to reduce impacts to marine species and habitats, including the North Atlantic right whale population. Link

[Marco Rubio] On the one year anniversary of hurricane Irma, Rubio discusses recovery efforts & hurricane preparedness with local officials in Florida Keys. Link
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