2023 February

Friday, April 7, 2023

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Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
Tuesdays and Fridays.

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The National Key Deer Refuge is currently working with the US Fish and Wildlife Service’s Coastal Program and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) to restore over 100 acres of freshwater wetlands and 40 acres of mangrove forest in the Central Slough of Big Pine Key that runs from west of Key Deer Blvd to north of Watson Blvd. Years of being cut off from natural water flows and a number of storm surges has caused the area to become hyper-saline and the wetland habitat to significantly degrade. FWC has been awarded a National Coastal Wetlands Conservation Grant to reconnect the central marsh to the wetlands to the north and
west. These connections will be made using water control structures so the Refuge can restore the freshwater and
better manage the habitat over the long-term. Four abandoned roads will also be removed, and two drives will be relocated to facilitate sheetflow across the slough. Central Slough Restoration
[Phone Tracker] I want an app that allows me to track my wife’s phone and vice versa. I tried Prey and Google’s Find My Device, but couldn’t get either one to work. I could only get them to track my phone on my phone. What’s the good of that if I lose my phone? I need to be able to track it from a different phone
[Tinker Toys] After assembling a 7-piece patio set ordered from Amazon (China), I think my dad’s words of wisdom ring true: “The yellow race will rule the world.” If it’s not Covid, it’s 2 small cardboard boxes of patio furniture with a wrench and machine screws to drive you nuts assembling it.
[Dump Run] The car club should have a clandestine auto race through the dump towards the Wastewater facility. There’s no one back there, no traffic, and plenty of hairpin turns and a couple of straight-a ways. There’s even a great lookout position on top of the hills where someone can scope out any County intruders. It would have to be staged and happen real fast before we got caught. Real Gorilla Theater!
Scientists should stop analyzing animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity.
[Zip Code] A ZIP Code is a postal code used by the United States Postal Service. Introduced on July 1, 1963, the basic format consisted of five digits. In 1983, an extended ZIP+4 code was introduced; it included the five digits of the ZIP Code, followed by a hyphen and four digits that designated a more specific location.
The term ZIP is an acronym for Zone Improvement Plan; it was chosen to suggest that the mail travels more efficiently and quickly (zipping along) when senders use the code in the postal address. The term ZIP Code was originally registered as a service mark by the USPS; its registration expired in 1997.
[No Coco Tele] Deer Ed, I was worried yesterday when there was no Coco Tele in the morning. I was hoping it wasn’t a technical difficulty or, worse, a personal issue. I can totally understand forgetting what day it was. It happens to me all the time!
[Remodeling Our Library] The Monroe County Public Library Big Pine Key branch will close temporarily starting Monday, April 10, for repairs and refurbishment, with plans to reopen tentatively the week of May 22. The 213 Key Deer Blvd. branch in the Winn-Dixie Shopping Plaza will get new floors, paint, shelving, and furnishings. The work was scheduled between Easter and the start of summer break to have the least impact on the community.
If we arm every teacher and have civilian armed guards in schools and they miss and kill another citizen, who’s liable? the school? or the person who shot them? Shouldn’t that person be charged with murder for unsafe weapon charges?
[Friday Joke] An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.
“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
“How did it go?” he asked.
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”
“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.
Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there right on top of the table.
“T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”
“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.”

[Florida Censors] I find it amazing that the people who complained about the photograph of the statue of David where not in the least bit offended by the nude photographs of Melania Trump.

[Plumbers] Deer Ed, I hope your new sewer system kerfunkle is finished. Plumbers have it easy. All they have to know is: shit flows downhill, quitting time is 3:30, and the boss is an a**hole.
The deepest-dwelling fish ever caught on camera. The unknown species from the genus Pseudoliparis was 27,349 feet deep in the Pacific Ocean. Link
Wow, Key West realtors must really be hurting. An office on Duval St was open on a Thursday night with an agent on duty sign.


Why people don’t like the AR-15

[“AR” Designation] Did you ever wonder what the “AR” designation means on an assault rifle? If you think that it means “assault rifle”, you’re flat wrong. It simply is the first 2 letters of the company that introduced the line of firearms: ARmalite. If you think that the AR designation is there because the designation simply represents the first two letters of Armalite, you’re flat wrong. AR means Armalite Rifle.
[Tech Support] Today at 3pm, after running into a dead end with Frigidaire’s web site and YouTube, I phoned 800-374-4432 for Customer Service. After several attempts to get the automated woman’s voice to understand my responses to her prompts, I was connected to someone with a Pakistani-sounding accent. I told him my dehumidifier serial number and told him my problem: that I keep getting error code EC, even after I’ve unplugged & plugged back into the wall several times. After a short while, he says, “I’m going to issue you a replacement unit. Wouldn’t that be great?” I say, “Yes, thank you,” and next thing I know I’m speaking to a Pakistani woman whose English I cannot understand any of. Then I get transferred to a girl who speaks good English, and I related what just happened. She looked up the notes and says that the notes of the previous calls show nothing about that. I guess the Frigidaire guy was just f**king around with me.
I suggested that she transfer me back to the guy who said he was going to issue a replacement, but she was either unwilling or unable to do so. Anyway, she gave me a phone number for a local appliance store in Key West, but they said they don’t work on dehumidifiers.

Happy face cow,

[Texting While Driving] New Ohio law takes effect. It’s about time they did this. Turn off the damn distracting radio too. This should be Nationwide. Link
(Editor: I’m embarrassed I forgot Tuesday and didn’t publish until after 1pm. My excuse is that FKAA has been here since February 19 installing a wastewater treatment plant to replace our septic tank (at a cost to us of $10,000!). We have a large park-like property that we have been cultivating for 30-40 years. The contractor didn’t even try to stop the water from coming into the swimming pool-size hole they dug through the 2-3 vent holes in the porous limestone rock. They pumped all that brackish water into the garden. They couldn’t control it, so they just kept bringing in more and more pumps. Bigger and bigger. Consequently, they pumped 1,250,00 + gallons of brackish water and muck all over our garden and left an inch or two of salt sludge on our plants. If that is not distracting enough from remembering days of the week, I don’t know what is. That’s the worst tragedy since we got hit with Hurricane Irma. The plants are starting to die again from the salt. Listening to the deafening sound of heavy equipment 6 days a week for 2 weeks was more than my nerves could handle. (And people ask me why I drink. Ha). Much of the one and a quarter million gallons of brackish water flooded the neighbors’ yard too—3 acres away!).
[Wetstock 18] Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, children of all ages, Time is getting closer for Wetstock 18, A Day of Peace & Music! I’m planning the concert for Sunday, May 28, Memorial Day weekend. Around noon (Keys time). We got stormed out last year about half way thru so I’m hoping we get a great day this year. Pretty sure there will be only 3 bands this year, as 4 bands causes too much down time. The idea is to get as much music and have as much fun as we can in one afternoon.
Our lineup:
Bobby Howard & The Ukeholics
So come enjoy the day, keep our low key attitude, and have a great time. Take only pictures and leave only footprints.
Your friend,
Flip Flop Bob
Dear Stormy Daniels, how’s business? I’ll bet it’s real good!
[“AR-14 of 15”] I’m not surprised the gun nuts missed the whole point of the post about killing children with assault rifles and only noticed the rifle in the post was misnamed. And they went on and on about it never mentioning the dead kids
Deer Ed, Sometimes your editing is too, too much. The Davy Crockett story would be of great interest to your history buffs.  Yet, you chose to put a link for a stupid Fess Parker song, rather than details sent to you.  Why? (Editor: Because he was the king of the wild frontier!) Davy Crockett Story
[I Smell Lawsuit] Federal agents busted into the wrong hotel room during a training exercise and held a Delta pilot handcuffed for nearly an hour. Link
[Derby Day Raffle] Limited raffle tickets are being sold (100), so get yours today!
Last ticket drawn – Atocha Coin – valued at $5k
99th ticket – Key West Seaplane Adventure to Dry Tortugas and a 2 night stay at the Doubletree Key West.
98th ticket – Fury Ultimate Adventure for 2 with one night at The Marker
75th ticket – Sunset Cruise with Beach Bum Charter
50th ticket – Sebago Parasail for 2
Other prizes for 1st & 25th tickets drawn
Tickets are $150 each, and the proceeds benefit Take Stock in Children – Monroe County. Purchase raffle tickets online only at: Link
[“Killing Kids for Fun”] In the last sentence of that post, are you claiming that guns are sick? Which is unlikely as an inanimate object can’t function without a human operator as opposed to society being sick, which has daily shown to be stark raving bonkers. So it’s people in society that are sick and should be put in nut houses like Dunning or Chattahoochee. Note that more people die in hospitals than from guns. Check the statistics.

[Friday Joke] I made a snowman. A woman passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. So, I then made a snow woman.

The current Coconut Telegraph was published on 4/7/23 at 8:30 am.