2016 April

Friday, April 1, 2025

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

happy april fools day 263h
pig tail wags[Pig Can Stay (-sty)] City of Key West code enforcement staff dismissed a case against Old Town Key West resident Lucy Mayer, who lives with her pet pig Sophia on Grinnell Street. Neighbors complained about the odor from the pig. However, she has since kept the pig inside, as it uses a litter box to relieve itself. “I’m just so relieved,” Mayer said.

I love living in a town where the headline is that a pig can live in a house.

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[Celebrity] The old expression in show biz, “Any publicity is good publicity!” seems to prevail today more than any other time in history. Who the hell are the stinking Kardashians anyway? and why does anyone care? To be famous now you have to expose yourself to the world in any dirtbag-way you can. Doesn’t anyone want to work for a living anymore?


The Rolling Stones in Cuba.

[World News] How come the news hardly ever mentions other countries anymore? Unless there is a plane crash or typhoon we hear nothing.
tinsley-ellisTinsley Ellis is coming to the newly renovated Key West Theater May 12th. He is a phenom on blues guitar.  Here is his Bio: “Southern blues-rocker Tinsley Ellis may speak no evil, but he sings and plays with the conviction of, as Billboard wrote, “…a man possessed.” Over the course of eleven albums and literally thousands of live performances, Ellis easily ranks as one of today’s most electrifying blues-rock guitarists and vocalists. He approaches his music with rock power and blues feeling, in the same tradition as his Deep South musical heroes Duane Allman and Freddie King and his old friends Derek Trucks and Warren Haynes. Atlanta Magazine declared Ellis “the most significant blues artist to emerge from Atlanta since Blind Willie McTell.”

I have no affiliation with the theater or the musician – I am going to this show – I am hoping Ed will post this just because I want the show to sell out so I am assured of seeing the show and he won’t cancel.  I think I’ll even take the Editor of the Coconut Telegraph with us. (Ed: I saw Tinsley Ellis at the old Buccaneer in Marathon and he was great! One song’s lyric I remember is, “… the sea was so calm you could hear a heartbeat.” Or something like that. Sure I’ll go. You buying and driving?)

sticker-token free
Beautiful scenes of our planet. Video
radiadiation symbol green[Radioactive Drinking Water] The University of Miami recently released a report about low levels of radioactive tritium making its way from the Turkey Point nuclear power plant and cooling canals to near-shore waters and into the neighboring Biscayne Bay and possibly down to the Keys.
[Quit Smoking] I am so grateful to have had the privilege of working alongside you over the past 3 years. I have very much enjoyed our efforts to improve our community together. I am leaving Keys AHEC for a new adventure and wish you all the best. Ivona Roy will be taking over the position of Key West Tobacco Treatment Specialist and we are excited to bring her on full time! Ivona can be reached at our Key West Office number (305-296-8868) after April 1st (my last day). ~Sincerely, Kate Cardenas
pig-sophia-mayer[“Pig in house”] Dear Key West Family,
Thank you all who came to the code hearing today, those who supported us along the way with signatures on our petition and those who offered kind words. Today the city dismissed the “charges” against Sophia and her litter box. I feel so grateful that the truth has come out about our family being in compliance with the city code. Unfortunately, our new seasonal, part time neighbors have decided to not take their loss in stride. Instead they still hope to change the city code (to have pigs and “farm” animals removed, which would include chickens). They stated publicly that they will continue to call the city and cause a raucous until they get their way. We do not wish to disrupt anyone else’s lives. We merely want to keep our family together, in our lovely forever home in Key West. We love my home. We love my family, and that includes little Sophia. I hope they will change their minds. I hope we can become friendly neighbors who will agree to disagree but to be amicable. That would be the real happy ending. Until then, Sophia has decided to take a nap (as you all can see).I will be tapping back into this amazing well of support of the false accusations keep coming and we will need the community support. Thank you all again for all of your reassurance and kindness. We could not have done it without you.  ~the Mayer Family
[Don’t Mix Your Meds] Getting old is so hard at times. Yesterday I got Preparation H mixed up with Poli-Grip. Now, I talk like an a**hole, but my gums don’t itch.

Portuguese Man ‘O War has acid-filled tentacles that are almost invisible and are up to about 33 feet long. Those long tentacles trail behind the 6-7” blue body trying to snag something and give it a world of pain. This one was landward of Looe Key last week.

Wednesday was the FKAA employee meeting. Executive Director Zuelch gave the motivational speech which was all about how all of FKAA needs to work to earn the public’s trust. He went on and on. I wasn’t sure whether to gag or laugh out loud at first. Finally, I just sat in awe of his straight-faced bullshit-slinging expertise. Since he took the helm, FKAA has lost everyone’s trust, including their own employees. Weird that he would pick earning trust as his topic since he knows so little about it.

The “free lunch” y’all bought us for the meeting was the best ever- catered by Irie Island Eats. Recommended. I found a website for them if you need some food catered. Link

[Monroe County: 7th Healthiest County] The 2016 County Health Rankings & Roadmaps program has found Monroe County to be the 7th “healthiest” county out of 67 in the state of Florida. The County Health Rankings, a project undertaken by leading national research organizations, believe all communities in America can get healthy, stay healthy, and make sure children grow up healthy. The project works to build awareness about factors that influence health, provide local data for communities across the country, and empower leaders to improve health and well-being in their communities.

The data released by the 2016 County Health Rankings describe factors that influence good health in the Keys. Among other highlights, Monroe County enjoys low rates of both social and behavioral areas for concern, including low unemployment and adult obesity. The county also scored well in factors related to the physical environment, including low air pollution rates and drinking water violations.

Although we rated well in some areas, others have room for improvement. Monroe County has a high rate of premature death, or potential years of life lost before the age of 75. A person who passes away at the age of 25 contributes 50 years of “life lost” in the community. Monroe County lost 7,100 years of potential life in 2016, compared to the state average of only 6,800. Additionally, 27% of residents of Monroe County are uninsured, slightly higher than the state average of 24%, and only 61% of Monroe County women enrolled in Medicare participate in mammography screenings as compared to the state average of 68%.

There are many ways to help improve the health of our residents. Outreach, communication, and increased clinical care access are some. By working together and utilizing our resources, we can make Monroe County a healthier place to live. For more information about the County Health Rankings. Link

Who do you know who needs a hug today? Don’t be so stingy with them. Even if they don’t give one back, you really didn’t lose one. Just try to keep it shy of sexual assault.
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[Conspiracy] Fat Albert, the blimp, has been missing from Cudjoe (over a couple weeks now, it’s not even on the ground).  Also, Darth Vader is missing from his usual spot on Duval Street. Coincidence?  I figure that the new release of the Star Wars movie caused them to be called back to work on episode VIII!
Feeling guilty for keeping your cat indoors? Link
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Desktop computers are going up in price because they are only being bought by professionals for workstations and gamers. The volume of sales is down, so grab one or two before they go nuts in price. Make sure you get a DVD drive and lots of HDD space, plus gobs of RAM. Windows 7 if possible. Laptops and tablets suck for real work. Apples are too limiting.
hired mime to wish happy april fool day




Friday is April Fool’s Day. The only day of the year everyone becomes skeptical about what they’re reading on the Internet.

If I wanted to get sterilized, where can I go?
[“Round house”] That weird house on Colson Drive on Cudjoe Key looks like it is up for sale. Is it or did they just stop working on it? If the owner is broke the price might be good to get the land, tear down that dome-thing, and build something suitable there. Anyone know anything about this place?
Which gun shops are still open in the Keys? Newman Outfitters and the gun range are both closed on Big Pine Key.
captain kirk yelling


Captain Kirk is being sued for 170 million dollars by some nut who says he is Kirk’s son. If this guy is proven a fraud, lock him up for 100 years and end this suing-bullshit with a new law that makes it real hard on the perpetrators.

How can anyone have the right or guts to control someone else’s life and tell them what they can and cannot do?
What we need in Key West is a Mustang Ranch that’s legal!
peter pan flying back and forth

You’re only as old as you feel. The best disease to have is terminal immaturity and 80 proof!

How many DNA tests would it take to tell who fathered which baby in the Kardashian clan? Answer: 10 each!

What this world needs is a year or more with no laws, just wild, wild west and let the good guys take care of the bad guys. Or would the bad guys win?

Why is it that politicians can say anything about the competition and not be sued or locked up, but if I say something I get life in a McDonalds!
[“Cats cause schizophrenia”] Many thanks to the person who posted the link Tuesday to the excellent article on how a parasite carried by cats can manipulate your brain causing personality changes and apparently even schizophrenia! This explains the bizarre behavior of my past girlfriends with cats, although the bizarre behavior of the rest remains unexplained.

It reminded me of the Cordyceps mushroom, whose spores manipulate an ant’s brain causing it to unnaturally crawl high up a branch and clamp on, becoming a food source and convenient aerial anchor for Cordyceps. Remember the movie “Alien”? Check out this really cool, super creepy 3-minute nature video from BBC. Video

dropbox logoDropbox started me with 48 GB of online storage. Now they tell me my limit is 6 GB! A lot of stuff goes up there automatically and I’m going to try to get it off.  One time I found over 100 baby pictures — which I managed to delete. (Ed: Yes, they hook you with tons of free storage and you’re so happy. Then the offer expires and they have all your stuff that you can’t access until you pay them a hundred bucks a year. Rather than paying for storage you can get a lot of free space from Microsoft, Google and Dropbox. Store photos on one, music on another, etc)
[Captain Doom and Gloom] A guy goes to the doctor…
Guy: Doc, I can’t hear anymore, can’t see worth a damn, and feel like my head is all clogged up.
Doctor: “When is the last time you had sex?”
Guy: “It’s been years, Doc!”
Doctor: “I think you have the DSB’S.”
Guy: What the heck is the DSB’S?”
Doctor: “Deadly Sperm Back-up. That’s when your sperm level gets up to your ears. There is nothing I can do about it.”
Guy: “How about that nurse?”
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Trump’s hair in its natural environment. Video



Conch Train tour of Key West. Video

[Privacy is Dead] A private security firm told the Feds they could unlock Apple’s iPhone; and they did. The Feds then dropped their lawsuit against Apple because, in court, Apple would be allowed to cross examine the Government and find out how Apple’s security was compromised; and by who. Right now Apple is in a panic over the security breach.
This email will self-destruct in 10 seconds, 9 … 8 …7 …
penny walk

[Penny] This year the United States Mint struck four different pennies and two silver dollars in celebration of the life and legacy of one of America’s greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln. Why do we even need pennies? They cost more to make than they are worth! Link

[From Our Friend in Nigeria] … we are happy to inform you that the FedEx has finalized everything with The (NICON) and subsequently approved yours among the 24 valuable parcels to be Courier after the released of the parcels from the (NICON) we are happy to inform You once again that your parcel that contains a worth $2 Million USD is among the 24 consignment boxes listed which is now in our office and also with your name as the Receiver but we want you to re-confirm your postal address where your parcel can be Delivered to you without hesitation. Bla blab la.


[“Windows 10 is one OS for every device”]  And that scares the hell out of me. All the info is on the cloud and all BB has to do is throw the switch and poof it’s all gone! The banks, the hospitals, the airports, the fuel delivery system, the food and water are all gone. Back up to paper or lose it all! (Ed: If you think like that, you’d better backup to an external hard drive automatically daily and never lose anything. Just plug it in and tell it when to backup.) Link

[‘Bound’ Policy] I’m the Agency Field Manager for Citizens Insurance here on the East Coast. I want to make sure you were aware to not have funds sent in on any policies that have not been bound. We need to make sure that they are bound policies prior to having funds sent in. I know underwriting has brought it to my attention you had a policy in February where we were able to work it out but just an FYI. In that situation the title company had sent the funds. If you ever have questions on this kind of thing please let me know and I’ll get an answer on this prior so we don’t have any issues.
[Tell Everyone Your Social Security Number] Make everyone have a cell phone with their social security number as the phone number and if you don’t have a SS# Phone you are an un-person. Sure would drive out the riffraff from this country!
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[Online Degrees In Psychology] Imagine getting treated for madness from some dude with this degree and a Vandyke! All you need is a computer and half a brain and you’re in business. Link

[Captain Doom and Gloom] World’s greatest quotes.
“Bill, why did you buy me the same lipstick that Monica uses?” – Hillary
“I don’t have to run for President, I just tell then what to do!”  – Bill Gates
“I love to be in the wilderness and away from everything!” – Joe Biden
“I save a billion dollars a year, not having to pay off the USDA food inspectors!” – Mr. Hershey
“The Military Industrial Complex is becoming too strong and I am losing control of it!”  – Mr. Lockheed
“If they ever found out I am setting up a April Fool’s joke, the Democrats and Republicans would kill me!” – Donald
“Make a Right!”  – C Columbus
“I think because we have so much industry and agriculture we should put a hammer and cycle on our flag!” – J Trudeau
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