2017 August

Friday, August 4, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002
Published Tuesdays and Fridays. Letters to the editor with pictures

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[Burns] The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service plans to apply prescribed fire to three locations within the National Key Deer Refuge on Big Pine Key this fall. The primary reasons for conducting these fires are to remove the over accumulation of vegetation acting as fire fuel along our urban-wildland interface to protect our community private property and residents, and for ecological purposes aimed at emulating natural fire in the pine rockland habitat. This activity creates a defensible space between refuge lands and private property to prevent or reduce the threat of wildfires.

Prescribed fires reduce excessive natural fire fuel build-up, thereby reducing the chance of unwanted severe wildfires. Restoration and maintenance of the fire-dependent pine rockland habitat is essential for a healthy ecosystem. Prescribed fire is important for the continued survival of local species such as the federally endangered Key deer, the Bartram‘s hairstreak butterfly and the butterfly’s host plant, pineland croton, which has evolved to be dependent upon fire.

Mechanized methods are also being used to mimic fire and restore pineland croton habitat in areas that are too overgrown or too close to private property to safely conduct burns. Prescribed Fire August 2017

The new Key West City Hall ended up costing over $19,000,000. Doesn’t that seem like a lot?
[Runaway Houseboat] Coast Guard officials in the Big Easy say a floating structure featuring a painted mermaid came from Key West and drifted north in the Gulf of Mexico. Watchstanders at the Coast Guard District 8 Command Center in New Orleans received a report of the mystery structure drifting about 180 miles south of Grand Isle, Louisiana at 1 p.m. Wednesday, said spokesman Petty Officer 3rd Class Travis Magee. The Coast Guard launched an airplane to asses the structure and to search for signs of distress, finding none, Magee said. Magee reported Thursday that the Coast Guard received information that the structure was originally located somewhere in the water behind the Parrot Key Hotel and Resort, 2801 N. Roosevelt Blvd.  ~Adam Linhardt, Key West Citizen
[“Excessive signage on US1”] DOT rules their ROW[?]. Monroe County is preempted, however, we stay in direct communication, and they with us, on ROW issues, except for signage.

The county has expressed time-and-time again to DOT on reducing the sign clutter on our Scenic Highway. And actually, the growing amount of signage is very frustrating to see the total disregard of growing visual pollution that destroys the visual beauty of the fabulous Florida Keys continuing unabated.

George Neugent
Monroe County
Mayor George Neugent



The newly planted trees along US 1 on Big Pine look nice but I wonder how long it will take the deer to eat them?

[African Arabs 1887] As few people can read or write, there is an air of mystery in the art of writing which much enhances the value of a scrap of paper upon which is written a verse from the Koran. A few piastres are willingly expended in the purchase of such talismans, which are carefully and very neatly sewn into small envelopes of leather, and are worn by all people, being handed down from father to son. The Arabs are especially fond of relics; thus, upon the return from a pilgrimage to Mecca, the “hadji” or pilgrim is certain to have purchased from some religious Faky of the sacred shrine either a few square inches of cloth, or some such trifle, that belonged to the prophet Mahomet. This is exhibited to his friends and strangers as a wonderful spell against some particular malady, and it is handed around and the afflicted are supposed to become better after having been wiped by the holy cloth.

How many eyes this same piece of cloth had wiped, it would be impossible to say, but such facts are sufficient to prove the danger of holy relics, that are inoculators of all manner of contagious diseases.

[Two Wrongs Don’t Make One Right] It seems the way FTR tries to portray himself is as some sort of person who’s above the rest and is the smartest and sees himself as a man of honor and decency. How does he do that in Tuesday’s CT where he tells the story of some “short, fat male” who was screaming at him because of his politics? FTR wouldn’t respond so he gives the man with the “near falsetto voice” and “t-shirt that was struggling to contain his gut” the finger. Then later in his post he says this guy is a poor role model to his supposed child because of his rant. So what does the good role model FTR do? he gives them the finger. I think he gave that kid something to think about. I hope the kid thinks that’s how one Republican idiot responds to another idiot, and that he decides not to act like either one of them.


[Help Wanted] Cudjoe Key Blimp site has openings for Electronics Technicians and laborers. You have to be physically fit, drug free, and pass background investigation. The schedule are 3 ½ days on, 3 ½ days off. These are union position and come with full benefits to include vacation, 401K, and sick leave. If interested, E-Mail your resume to

[Stalking] A Big Pine Key couple accused of threatening a former tenant and his girlfriend were arrested on Wednesday on stalking charges after Monroe County Sheriff’s Office deputies allege they threatened to hurt them and show up at their work. Enrique Valdes, 42, of Big Pine Key, and Omitsu Cervantes, 35, of Stock Island, were charged with misdemeanor harassment or cyberstalking. The alleged victims notified deputies on July 26 that the male had been a tenant of Valdes and Cervantes, but later moved due to disputes over money, reports say. ~KW Citizen
[Conquistadors 1518 Mexico] In a building adjoining this we perceived a quantity of dishes and basins, of various shapes. These were filled with water and served to cook the flesh in of the unfortunate beings who had been sacrificed; which flesh was eaten by the papas. Near to the altar were lying several daggers, and wooden blocks similar to those used by our butchers for hacking meat on.
[Affordable Housing Rent] City code stipulates that rent payments on affordable units must not exceed 30 percent of the income bracket under which the household falls. For example, the maximum income limit for a median household (representing 100 percent annual median income) with three people cannot exceed $82,800, which means the landlord can charge a maximum of $2,070 (30 percent) for a two-bedroom unit monthly. ~Scott Unger, Key West Citizen
[Image] No Name Pub has good food. No complaints from me. However, the General Manager who managed to get “lost” last year may see things differently. Tonight, belly up to the bar, he is having his dinner, nothing wrong with eating at work, most places have an employee lounge so let’s ignore this. But to order Chinese Food from another restaurant and eat it at the bar when other patrons are watching wondering why No Name Pub allows this guy to eat Broccoli Chicken and Crab Rangoon at the bar? He obviously is an idiot. Would you allow the rest of your staff to order food and eat at the bar? If so, wrong business buddy. The Tom Thumb is hiring and maybe that’s a better fit for you. As a food and beverage manager you are always on stage, if you can’t step up to the microphone–exit stage left and allow someone else to shine. Google Maps will give you directions to the Tom Thumb in case you get “lost” while looking to drop off your application. Your disrespect your staff by acting this way.


My son grew up in BPK and his friend down the street has grown up to be so incredibly handsome. I mean, wow! And, he is very nice and polite and it looks like he is now a dad and will get to teach the kid video games. Bet granny is real pleased, as she raised a very nice person.

[Old Glory Honor Flight Takes Vietnam Veterans to D.C.] More than 100 veterans were flown to the nation’s capital Friday. Link
[Free Ad] Marathon’s Triton Seafood Restaurant. Guatemalan and Peruvian seafood. (I wish they had given physical directions in addition to just the street number). Video
[Crook] The 2017 lobster season has not started well for Adalberto Garcia, 79. The Marathon commercial fisherman was arrested for the second time in a week Wednesday night amid allegations he again possessed illegal lobster, according to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office. ~Adam Linhardt, Key West Citizen

The middle of the road is all of the usable surface. The extremes, right and left, are in the gutters.  ~President Eisenhower

Pilot lands plane ‘blind’ after hail destroys nose and windshield of aircraft. Capt. Alexander Akopov is being hailed as a hero. Link
Big Pine Key Winn Dixie’s Weekly Ad


[Plugging The Third Eye] Should you seal your penis shut with a Jiftip sticker during sex? They want you to plug up your thingy’s end. I’d be afraid that when I exploded it would backfire and blow me up! Video

[“Excessive signage on US1”] I don’t know which is worse, these signs or texting.



Shark repeatedly attacks fishermen in canoe. This happened in 2015. Video

[Friday Joke] As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

[The Future] We are quickly approaching a time when little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit or cook but will take awesome selfies in the bathroom.



[Venice] Not drowning but suffocating. The world’s most beautiful city is being ruined by crowds of tourists. Can it be saved from tourism? Link

“I agree with FTR” Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth, that few people that identify with Rep/Dem parties agree with all their platform. Three things I am curious about. Considering Republicans want to take a woman’s choice about giving birth to a child conceived by rape or incest, is Mrs FTR a Republican? What points in the Republican platform do you not agree with? And do you have a daughter?
[SCUBA Diving Vacation] Is a liveaboard in the Maldives worth the cost and do you need a 5mm wetsuit? What has been your favorite dive destination? Bonaire is rude, moldy and bad food. The all-inclusive in Little Cayman also had bad food and absolutely no liquor in the drinks. We cannot afford Great Barrier Reef, but are itching to see the Maldives. Heavens to Betsy, that’s about ten grand for a week! And it could rain a lot. This is why we keep going back to Cozumel. Great diving, great restaurants, clean rooms and a super-hot jewelry store guard.
“He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time.”  ~Hunter S Thompson
In case anyone wants to read the draft minutes of Sac Advisory Council meeting, here it is.  It’s always entertaining. Sanctuary meeting. sanctuary meeting 8.17


[Eggs] Why eating healthy is hard. Video

[Lobster or Crabs] Regular lobster season opens in two days.  I gave that a lot of thought and decided that I would rather have lobsters on my piano than crabs on my organ.


[Own A Lighthouse] The federal government is auctioning off four historic Michigan lighthouses on lakes Erie, Huron, and Michigan. Cheap Keys summer getaway? Lighthouse auction could make Great Lakes your backyard! Video

[When is “@#$%” Acceptable] There are only 11 times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use.
11.     “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10.     “What the @#$% was that?”– Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9.      “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”– George Custer, 1877
8.      “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”– Albert Einstein, 1938
7.      “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”– Picasso, 1926
6.      “How the @#$% did you work that out?”– Pythagoras, 126 BC
5.      “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”– Michelangelo, 1566
4.     “Where the @#$% are we?”**– Amelia Earhart, 1937
3.     “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”– Noah, 4314 BC
2.   “Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”– Bill Clinton, 1998
1.   “There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President!”– Hillary Clinton 2016
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