2023 December

Friday, December 15, 2023

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Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
Tuesdays and Fridays.

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In the early 70s, Key West was totally corrupt, the police and Vice detectives acted as lookouts for pot smugglers, the City Attorney, Manny James, was a ringleader, the fire chief, “Bum” Farto used to brag about his involvement. My friend Gil Smith inherited some money when his parents died and got the lease for the South Beach property at the end of Duval Street by nefarious means, but he still needed a liquor license. He was refused because at the time no alcohol could be served on City property, so he again went to the Conch mafia and secured a document promising him a liquor license and it was signed by the City Attorney, Manny James–total corrupt. Bill Dorley was one of the intermediaries of these transactions because he had money. He was the gay son of the mayor of Providence, R.I. who paid him to stay away. He used to say that everyone in Key West was “either wanted or unwanted”. Smith and Dorley were both alcoholic derelicts and Smith hired all his bar friends and ex-cons to work in his South Beach restaurant, a recipe for failure if there ever was one. Smith’s ace-in-the-hole was the signed document promising him a liquor license. Smith and Dorley were very afraid the Conch’s were going to harm them to get it back. They had already made the fire chief “Bum” Farto “disappear” and the threats were real. At the peak of their fear, Dorley came to me in Sloppy Joes and asked me to hold the document for just one night. I was stupid and not on the Conch’s radar, so I hid it in the former gas station on Eaton Street where I lived. I returned it the next night when the crisis dissipated by them agreeing to return it to the City Attorney in return for their safety.
Eventually all the officials and police were arrested in the “Bubba Bust” the largest case of City-wide corruption in Keys history. Smith and Dorley never got the liquor license, and they lost the lease. During this whole threatening and scary time the cops shot and killed Smith’s dog who was the watchdog on the property at night when they were closed. Police and detectives went to jail and the City Attorney was indicted and took off in his sailboat and wasn’t seen for years.

[Big Pine Library Book Club] For January we will be reading The Measure by Nikki Erlick.  Full Menu > Ongoing Events > Book Club

Hackers prove it doesn’t take much to hijack a dead satellite. The decommissioned satellite was used to broadcast movies and a conference. Link
[Friday Joke] A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

[Jamaica Christmas Tree] I got this Christmas tree from Jamaica. It’s recommended by the Bob Marley institute for World Peace. It is very environmentally friendly and can be smoked after use.
[“The ROGO clock keeps ticking to expiration”] I think everybody knows why the junta is culling the Keys, to get the land for high end resort development with some Keys for resort workers. When I get too old to pay the blackmail taxes to live here, I’m selling out to Hattians or some other needy group.

Arctic seals have special noses. Their large and complex nasal passages could help protect their lungs from bitter cold air. Link

An off-road e-bike built tough enough for the big city. This stylish and powerful motorcycle-inspired design allows users to unlock a top speed of over 28 miles per hour. Link
[Book Sale] Please donate your gently used books to the Big Pine Library for our January 6th sale. The book sale will be held outside the library, weather permitting, 9:00 am to 2:00 pm. Volunteers are needed to sort and box the books on Friday, and to help with sales on Saturday.
The holidays are upon us. Enjoy these special days with those you love. Happy Holidays!  ~Theresa Raven
[Monroe County BOCC Meeting] Hurricane evacuations, administrative relief (payments to landowners), developers vying for rights to construct our precious lands, easements, affordable housing, takings, etc. I watched the whole meeting. Two individuals, Mayor Holly Raschein and Commissioner Craig Cates seemed to be the best and brightest.
December 15 is the most ‘sexless day’ of the year, according to data. Experts explain why the exact date is such a turn off. Factors such as ‘winter vagina’ exhaustion and low mood are to blame. Avoiding scented lotions, getting enough sunlight and using lubricant can help. Link
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.  ~George Carlin

Give the gift of censorship this year. This tote should be available at the upcoming book sale on January 6.

[Developers Protected] The case of ownership and development is going to be heard again in Key West.  No coverage in the press or radio.
Have you stopped buying from Temu? Is there a way to do it safely? I’ve found something I’ve been looking for, but I’m wary of using my credit card for a Chinese company.

Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!, Québec is the only town in the world with two exclamation points in its name. Twice as many as a village in southwestern England called Westward Ho!

A great man once said, “If you ever lose your sense of humor, look in the mirror!”

Monroe County official to Stillwright Point residents in Key Largo, wants them to sign a “flowage easement”, so County can’t be sued by raising the roads, which in turn will make the flooding of homeowners worse. Is this a legal term for Fleet enema?

[Religious Hysteria 1519] The few Conquistadores stood firm, and with the aid of the firearms and the blessed Virgin, who was distinctly seen hovering over their ranks in the van, they made good the field against the enemy. It cost them dear, however, since seven or eight Christians were slain.

Morning temperature in Australia on December 13, 2023. It’s their summer.

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[Shopping At Walmart] I was up on the mainland, on thew way down I thought we would stop at Walmart and pick up a few odds and ends. Holy crap! can you say “third world country”?
I asked a very basic question, “Where can I get jars of jalapeños?” The first associate looks at me like I had three heads, “No comprendo”.
Second one says, “They’re in the vegetable dept.”
Third says, “Don’t know, ask somebody else.”
Finally going up and down each aisle I found what I was looking for.
Absolutely useless help. Gosh, I’m glad these people aren’t in the military protecting us.

[Gender] Only Clint can get away with something like this.

[Friday Joke] The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.” The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. “What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”
(Editor: Groan… this is why we limit jokes to Friday)
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The current Coconut Telegraph was published on 12/15/23 at 8:50 am.