2018 July

Friday, July 27, 2018

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsLetters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.​​​

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They came baaaaack! Yep, the Lobster Mobsters came back in town by the boat loads. They could be seen crowding the local markets and liquor stores, taking on vital needed supplies such as buckets of fried chicken, cases of beer and a bottle or two of tequila to get them through their stay. And, of course, Official Lobster Kits from Winn-Dixie to aid them in their quest for the elusive langouste. They could be seen gassing up at the local filling stations and also getting gassed up at the local bars.

On the big day, the boat ramp was blocked for an hour while our heroes were loading the beer-filled cooler, the tequila, chicken buckets, the wife, the kids and the dog. The wife finally managed to back the trailer down the ramp on the fifth attempt listening to the shouted directions from the captain waving a beer can for emphasis and then parked the truck and trailer taking up three spaces. Then the search for the missing boat key began. After a more or less successful launch they headed out for an exciting day on the water anticipating their big surf and turf dinners. After weaving down the canal on full plane while the captain chugged his fourth beer of the morning they finally made it to their spot on the water. Neglecting to bring a Diver Down flag the captain says, “What the hell, forget about it, the other boats have them.” Now into their gear, over the side they went with their Official Lobster Kits and the hunt commenced.

After spotting a pair of antenna under a coral head, they proceeded to maul the coral, turning it over and killing everything they touch, only to miss the quick and wily little lobster with the net because they didn’t know lobsters swim backwards. They got lucky and actually ended up the two-day hunt with a few ‘keepers’ assuming they bothered to use the Official Lobster Gauge from the Official Lobster Kit. After the adventure at sea our captain got ready to trailer the boat, ignoring the bent prop, with a repeat of the beer can waving directions at launch time. Finally, they were ready to head towards home with one lonely, slightly undersize bug in the cooler to show friends and neighbors evidence of their successful hunt.

With the wife not speaking to our captain they hit the road with four nasty sunburns, one brutal hangover, two fighting kids and a dog with projectile diarrhea from eating a bucket of greasy chicken bones.

Life returned to peace and quiet in our little Island Paradise as Mother Nature weeps when she sees the destruction the thousands of Lobster Mobsters have caused to her glorious creation and tries to begin the healing process before the onslaught again next year. Yeah, there’s nothing quite like Mini-season.

[Friday Joke] Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.  He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?’  His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. ‘Well, Hunter, it’s called sexual intercourse’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, ‘OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.  It’s called bunk beds and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

Why is the water green? Because they moved to Florida from somewhere else, sprayed their yards to keep them green and eliminated nature’s filter as they built houses on our beautiful land. There’s been a whale shark, multiple turtles and fish washed up dead on paradise’s western shore in recent weeks. Caused by toxic algae that is blooming in Lake Okachobee and being pumped out of two main canals on either coast. While some of the algae is caused by Big Sugar’s use and reuse of the lake’s waters – the bulk of the problem is coming from over population on the mainland. The east coast is a concrete corridor from Homestead to Stuart. The west side, which when I was a kid was the redneck side, is quickly becoming the same. Naples to Tampa is fast becoming towers of the transplant. Central Florida is losing its farms to Pulte, D.R. Horton and the other builders who have changed orange and strawberry fields to green, as in dollars for homes built 15′ apart in subdivisions housing folks who seek a perfect home. Coming soon to the Keys, thanks to the Gulf of Mexico’s counter clockwise flow is the schwag waters from the north, thanks to the northerners who moved here. So, instead of asking what’s causing the fish kills, know that it’s overpopulation caused by tourism which sells folks on the idea of living in Florida.

As one person says about the crabs missing in the canals of Cape Coral, gone are the tropical fish in the canals of the Keys. The queen angels, banded coral shrimp, sea urchins and corals are all but missing on the reefs and so are the locals that used to live here. This Florida cracker is out! Headed to one of the countries people are fleeing from. Retirement is far cheaper in South America and many cities have large ex-pat communities. In the mean time the NFIP [flood insurance] expires July 31st, thus causing flood rates to rise as they did in 2012. Buenas suerte mis amigos! Enjoy the sun, palm trees and pollution, you brought it with you.

[Winn Dixie] Never miss a deal with SE Grocers rewards + the Fuel Rewards® program! Link

[Big Pine Wisdom] Don’t be afraid to fart while you pee. There is no rain without thunder.




[Key Deer] It’s amazing that Key deer don’t smell. When you pet them and then smell you hand there’s absolutely no odor. Try that with a dog or horse!

Only in the Florida Keys would a Key West Mayoral candidate take a phone call from “God”! Sloan Bashinsky, thank you for playing.
[Small Town Dentist] I’m in the Brass Monkey yesterday complaining about paying two grand for a tooth that morning. The toothless woman on my right tells me her family loses teeth. The guy on my left said he too was at the same dentist that morning. Small islands. Back to the toothless woman; I asked if she had scurvy. I asked about calcium deficiency, but was shrugged off and told it was hereditary. I doubted her. But then she held out her hand to show me several teeth. I stopped doubting her. I don’t know why they were already in her hand, never mind why she had them with her in the first place, but they were. Odd. Some of her collection looked like crowns (caps, not the royal kind). Very odd. She is such a sweetie I feel bad for her tooth problem. Ironically she then praised the same dentist that the other fellow and I had gone to that day and showed me the two beaver teeth she has in her upper mouth. Those two are the only teeth she said she has; and the best part is, that very same dentist put them in twenty years ago. that’s odd too. I love the Keys.
[New Rule] if you don’t vote, you pay double your taxes. It’s only fair, since those of us who bothered are paying for your laziness.




July in the Keys. It doesn’t get any better than this (only different)!

I’m looking for the infamous Greg Delia. He was appointed employee of the year by Ben Woodson at Little Palm Island and captained the boat Jo Mama. If he’s still here the other employee of the year, Terry needs cabinets. I can’t look you up in the phone book anymore. If you’re still around and still building the best cabinets in the Keys, please give me a call at 305-395-0455. Thanks Greg.
[Amundsen South Pole Expedition] The temperature went very low, and without doubt the mean temperature shown by our observations for the year is the lowest that has ever been recorded. Our lowest temperature, on August 13, 1911, was -74.2°F. For five months of the year we were able to record temperatures below -58°F. The temperature rose with every wind, except the south-west; with that it more usually went down. [They slept in tents]
[Porky’s, Marathon] The restaurant staff worked OT. They didn’t get it and Porky’s had to pay $73,000. FL Food Services LLC, which operates as Porky’s Bayside Restaurant and Marina, 1410 Overseas Highway in Marathon, paid $73,626 to 35 employees. A federal investigation found the waterside eatery paid workers overtime at straight-time rates in cash and also incorrectly deemed some workers to be independent contractors rather than employees. The inaccurate classification caused overtime violations when the employer paid these employees straight-time cash payments for all hours that they worked, including hours beyond 40 in a work week. Link
Big Pine through Stock Island registered voters, you get to Vote for the Key West Utility Board too! For the first time in 75 years, all those who are in the Keys Energy Service district get to vote for the entirety of the Board, And for the first time in 75 years we get a Board member from outside of Key West proper.

Absentee ballots went out yesterday.  Please don’t be confused when you read “Key West Utility Board”, This is your Keys Energy Board and you get to vote!

Beth Ramsay-Vickrey for Key West Utility Board, Seat D

[Electric Scooter] BMW C Evolution. Yes, the C Evolution will hit 80 mph, so you can take it on the highway. But this is really a weapon for the typical scooter mission: short-haul urban scuttling. The G has a healthy 99 miles of range, but its forte is point-to-point blasts around town, where you can really exploit its instant torque and 2 .8-second zero- to-30 time. This is a scooter that has traction control and needs it. It’s a blast, because the same attributes that make electric cars fun to drive—smooth power, low center of gravity—make the C Evolution a surprisingly entertaining ride on twisty back roads. And, as a BMW, it’s got some trick creature comforts, like a power-adjustable windshield that you can lower around town or raise up on the highway to create a cocoon of calm. It even looks cool, in a Euro-futuristic sort of way. This really feels like the promise of motorcycles, distilled down to the essence of wind, road, and speed. $13,700 (after all, it’s a BMW). Video
[Zombie Apocalypse] During a disaster, not necessarily the zombie apocalypse, it could be a hurricane, the first signs of society breaking down can be seen in the lines at gas stations. Tempers flare and greed is evident.


Very little is being done on cybersecurity in the US because our lawmakers are old and don’t understand computers. They’d rather build World War II tanks and bombs than take cybersecurity seriously. We must wait for these grey-hairs to die out before the next generation of computer-savvy candidates replace them. The only thing that will make the grey-hairs act is if there is a cyber-911 where our nation gets paralyzed by an electromagnetic disrupter bomb or similar device. These dinosaurs think a password is sufficient enough to protect our power grid and financial networks.

Where can I sell scrap metals in the Keys?


[Tire Rims] 4 stock 17″ steel rims from a 2010 Ford F-150. 4 stock hub caps too, and lug nuts. The rims even have the 4 automatic air pressure sensors. $100 for all 4 rims hub caps and sensors. Big Pine.

[Irony] Don’t you think it odd that the Army names it’s helicopters after Indian tribes that they tried to wipe out? Lakota, Black Hawk, Apache, Kiowa, Comanche. Video




Where are the black snakes? They used to slither on our property, but I have only seen one since the hurricane.

[Poison the Earth] Anyone know if I can buy a couple of tons of pea gravel mixed with road salt so I never get any weeds growing in my yard? Where?
[Immigration] Deer Senator Nelson, These parents knew, when they invaded our country, that they were doing so illegally.  Any other country would put them all in jail, or worse. Why should everything be given to illegals for free?  We American citizens have to pay for our phone calls. Your words “trade war” make the current trade negotiations with our allies sound negative.  I am sorry that the boat manufacturer thinks the tariffs will hurt his business.  I believe he will find a USA supplier, which will create more jobs and more profits for all U.S. companies involved.


I like my Ryobi cordless tools except for the chucks on their drills. They don’t stay closed and that’s really irritating.

[Fiat/Chrysler’s Steve Marchionne dead at 66] Marchionne was handed an automaker that lost more than 6 billion euros ($7 billion) in 2003.

By 2005, he had returned the company to a profit by wringing some $2 billion from an alliance with General Motors Co., laying off thousands of workers, introducing new models, and slashing the time it took to get a new car to market to just 18 months, from four years. Link

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” And then the fight started.
[Being Responsible] When are we going to see a Supreme Court decision that makes everyone totally responsible for their own actions? I mean all people should have the brains to say yes or no to anything that will harm them. Enough of these gold digging lawsuits.
[Ocean Debris] Here is a list of the most common types of debris dumped in the ocean:

1) cigarette butts
2) paper pieces
3) plastic pieces
4) Styrofoam
5) glass pieces
6) plastic food bags
7) plastic caps and lids
8) metal beverage cans
9) plastic straws
10) glass beverage bottles
11) plastic beverage bottles
12) Styrofoam cups

It’s time for the United Way of the Florida Keys’ “Stuff the Bus” Program to raise and donate over $20,000 in school supplies that Monroe County students need for a successful school year. Donations may be made before August 24: online at, through Amazon gift cards emailed to or Amazon gift card or check contributions mailed to PO Box 2143 Key West, FL 33045. All will support our efforts to purchase the supplies most needed by Monroe County students to have a successful school year.

Sewer Connections John Davey 305-393-7570 Business Directory > Plumbers

I hate lobster season and hope all the lobster rapists catch the crabs!

Cuba now allows gay marriages. will that effect real estate values in the Keys? How do gays plan to move to Cuba and when?
The August AARP activities calendar is here.  Full Menu > Ongoing Events


[$2.449 for gasoline] I paid $2.35.9 in Tupelo, MS in June. We are being gouged here.

The next meeting of the Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, July 28, 10 am at the Senior Center.  Hope to see you there! Full Menu > Ongoing Events
[Immigration] For everyone who doesn’t believe in controlling our borders and want to encourage open illegal immigration, check out Sweden. Video
Toronto’s killer. Guess his name? Link
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