2017 June

Friday, June 9, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[Signs That Tourist Season Is Over On Big Pine Key]

  1. You don’t get stopped by a tattooed, heavy, helmetless, middle-aged (or older) biker on a Harley who asks, “How can I see the Key deer?” (Answer: Go to the end of No Name Key, turn off your machine, and open a bag of Doritos.)
  2. You can turn left onto US-1 the first time the light turns green.
  3. You don’t get stopped by a driver in a black Mustang or Camaro convertible who asks, in view of a sign stating, “No Name Key” with an arrow underneath, “How do I get to the No Name Pub?”
  4. The customers at Winn Dixie wear long sleeve shirts, not bathing suits, and no one has a sunburn.
  5. You don’t get stopped by a family in an SUV with an out-of-state plate who asks, “Where’s the Key Deer viewing area?” (Answer: Park in the neighborhood park and take a walk.)
  6. You can pedal along US-1 without fear that a motorist will mistake the bike path for a frontage road.
  7. The shoppers at Winn Dixie have more than beer, toilet paper, and a tiny bottle of Dawn dish detergent in their carts.
  8. The mail arrives at 3:30 pm, not 5:30 pm.
  9. No one in an $80,000 pickup truck with a $100,000 fifth wheel asks, “Where can I see the Key deer?” (Answer: Sorry you missed them, it’s the wrong time of day. Said earnestly, with a straight face.)
  10. It’s Saturday and there is not a single yard sale on the island.

~Laura Knight

[Shark Attack] Key West resident Parker Simpson was attacked by 8 ft reef shark spearfishing 6 miles off Stock Island on Sunday. Video
[Horns vs Antlers] Horns consist of bone encased in the protein keratin, which is also found in human fingernails. Horns are generally permanent, and won’t regrow if they’ re damaged or removed.

Antlers consist of bone covered by living skin known as “velvet,” which supplies blood as the bone grows. Antlers will regrow after they fall off, which they do seasonally.

[Protestants Exterminated] In 16th century France King Charles IX had secret orders dispatched all over the kingdom, for the conspirators, secretly armed, at a given signal, by midnight, to rise upon the Protestants, men, women and children, and utterly exterminate them. “Let not one remain alive,” said the King of France, “to tell the story.” The deed was nearly accomplished. The king himself, from a window of the Louvre, fired upon his Protestant subjects, as they fled in dismay through the streets. In a few hours eighty thousand of the Protestants were mangled corpses. Protestantism in France has never recovered from this blow.  The pope ordered Te Deums to be chanted at Rome in exultation over the crime.
[Ashes In A Bottle] His ashes made it to Florida! So one of the owners of a hotel, Judi was walking on the beach this morning cleaning up the junk that washed into shore and finds a bottle with a message in it. There are also some sand and 2 one dollar bills. Once we get it open and read the notes we find out that it is in fact NOT sand. It is the ashes of this woman’s husband of 70 years named Gordon. She writes that He loved to travel so she sent him travelling in a bottle with a note and money for someone to call home and tell her where he landed. He started at Big Pine Key in March of 2012 and then went to Islamorada where someone found him. They added a note and sent him travelling again and he landed on our beach in Key Colony. Judi called the wife in Tennessee who was excited to know of Gordon’s travels! Judi added her note, we put him in a rum bottle (you know added a little fun to his trip) with the three notes. We added another dollar in case Gordon travels far and a long-distance call is needed. We will be having a memorial service or a celebration of his life on our beach later today before sending him on his way again.
The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, June 10, 10 am at the senior center.  Hope to see you there! Full Menu > Ongoing Events
Believe it or not, it is hurricane season already. Are you prepared? Here is a link to a good checklist for assembling a disaster kit. Link   ~The Johnsons Insurance Agency


How not to fish. Video

A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear. The traitor is the plague. ~Marcus Tullius Cicero
(Ancient Roman lawyer, writer, scholar, orator and statesman, 106 BC-43 BC)

[Target Practice] Watch what happens when you shoot a fridge full of explosives. Lesson: Don’t target practice on Tannerite. Video

Tiger Woods was not drunk when arrested for DUI. Alcohol registered zero. However, he was taking prescription meds, and that can be (and was) grounds for DUI.
Sleep aids like Ambian or Intermezzo ups your risk of a crash by 50%, and by 124% if you are over 80, just from the aftereffects. Antidepressants slow your reaction time- maybe too much. Pain meds like Percoset and Vicodin are opium based, as is the common anti-diarrhea drug Immodium. Antihistamines can make you dopey, too. Obviously, that other mind bending stuff that the M.D. did not prescribe is not helping your driving nor the other driver’s. Stay safe, mostly by being lucky I guess, but it can’t hurt to be alert to improve your chances.
[“Developers”] The cure for this disease is a big wooden match!
The writer who submitted Make America Grate Again reminded me of a cheese fact I learned from a food-conscious friend. For those who unaware, a little fact about “grated” cheese – it’s not great at all. It contains cellulose – a.k.a. wood.

Cellulose is the most abundant organic polymer on Earth. It is mainly used to produce paperboard and paper. Smaller quantities are converted into a wide variety of derivative products such as cellophane and rayon. Conversion of cellulose from energy crops into biofuels such as cellulosic ethanol is under investigation as an alternative fuel source. Cellulose for industrial use is mainly obtained from wood pulp and cotton.

In human nutrition, cellulose acts as a hydrophilic bulking agent for feces and is often referred to as “dietary fiber”. Cellulose is similar in chemical structure to starch, which goes by the chemical name amylose. Like amylose, cellulose is made up of long chains of glucose molecules, chemically bonded together. The only difference between the two is the shape of the bonds. Because of shape differences between the molecules, however, your enzymes can digest amylose but can’t break down cellulose.

[America First] To the person who seemed to imply America isn’t great anymore because we are no longer first. We are first. First in number of people incarcerated. First in gun deaths. First in divorce. First in drug addiction. First in debt. First in obesity. First in car thefts. First in total crimes. First in murders. I could go on, but I will not allow you to degrade my country by implying we’re not first anymore. Harrumph to you, sir or madam!


[“Tattooed women are broken”] Really? Maybe you’re using a very wide brush, friend.  ~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store, Biker friendly way before it was the thing to be. The “NUT” 34 years of Rockin’ ya Right at the Light

I powered through “I’m too old for this crap” straight into “I’m too old to give a damn.”
[Green Canal] The canal behind the airport on Summerland is pea-soup green. It’s flow-thru. The water around Summerland and Cudjoe is algae green out front to about 40′ deep. The lack of fish and algae on the seagrass is telling.

Keep in mind the Aqueduct Authority admits to losing 28% of all water piped through the system. I’ve read that here on CocoTele (it must be true). When you add a third of the crap leaking to all the crap the county tells us about the sewers, it equals 100% bullshit. They’ve killed what was left in the water so they can four lane the road to the parking garages that are being built in Key West to block the water view (if the former Judge’s idea is allowed) and suck the money out of the morons who think it’s still cool here. Tells me a lot about what the rest of America is like.



My first D.U.I. play set.

[Neighbor Trimming Tree] Are mahogany trees protected by law on BPK? We have a seasonal property in Doctors Arm, but every time we return someone has come onto our property and cut down more branches of our tree, leaving the tree lopsided and very awkward shape. The tree has been improperly butchered.


[Hurricane Names] Here’s the 2017 list of Atlantic tropical cyclone names and how to pronounce them. Arlene formed in April, so the next storm will be Bret, pronounced bret.

It’s a pity, but the only intellectualistic contact I get is by email outside of the Keys! Scary, huh?
Is the pet shop next to Subway in Marathon on 107th Street open or closed for business?

Spear fisherman captures Key West shark attack on camera. Video

I have heard from several sources that 5 Guys burgers is going to soon have some serious competition on Big Pine Key. 5 Gals is getting ready to open their first location on US1. The only difference will be that the 5 gals working behind the counter will all be topless and will be wearing those hot shorts like the Hooters gals all wear. They already have all the approvals form zoning and the health department. Depending on the size, shape and firmness of the gals breasts they will probably have to hire a deputy full time to control the traffic.
A recent study done with knee arthritis sufferers found that the supplement nutrient Chondroitin gave the same pain relief as the NSAID prescription Celebrex- without the side effects.
Another study found UC-II collagen supplements did even better. Another study found Chondroitin had no effect at all.
I take both and now I don’t limp. I usually get my supplements online because I take plenty and I’m cheap. I find this is one of the best sources, and they currently have 157 items on buy one-get one free, including lemon grass oil which is a terrific non-toxic insect repellent when mixed into a spray or oil. I planted lemongrass around the house a few years ago and the mosquitoes all moved down the block. I wish it worked better on termites! Link
Picture this: You’re standing in a line and this 4-star general is inspecting you. You say to him, “Hey, asshole, what the F are you looking at?” The question is, how long would it take for the M.P.s to beat you senseless and dump you into the brig? Hours or minutes? Now picture this second scenario: The President is doing a speech and some AH in the audience is bellowing out the same line as above. How long would it take for your lawyers to get you out of jail and sue the President? Ever hear the word treason!
[“Getting a CAT5 Hurricane. Pack-up and go now while you still can”] This statement cannot be any more true. Leave now, cut your losses, you do not want to be here. No food, no water, no electric, mosquitos, no air conditioning, the bars are closed, or possibly gone. Leave now, do not hesitate. We will miss you, but save yourself go now!


[“Leaves”] You neglected to mention these leaf blower folks usually blow all the debris into the canal. No need to rake, pick up and haul away. Blow it away. Poof it’s gone. Wonder why the canal is cloudy? Yard waste? septic seepage? fish guts? Naah, no way!

[Hypocrites] Don’t you love it when people who believe in God, but not universal health care, go to funding sites because they lost their job or got ill? Then, when they get money, “thank Jesus for the people helping them.” Seems to me, if Jesus got them out of it, then he could have stopped them from the problem in the first place. One thing no one can argue, if there was no religion, there would be no radical Islam.




Bacon I can afford!

What is the story on the former Wharf Bar on Summerland? Is it going to reopen as a good old Keys party place or another castrated air-head hang out? We got too many of those now.
Ever notice that companies today do not have email so you can contact them for any reason? But they sure as hell are on your case if you miss a payment.
[Coffee, The New Health Drink] Researchers at two universities in the U.K. analyzed 26 studies involving 2.25 million people and concluded: Drinking one cup of coffee a day can reduce the risk of the most common liver cancer by 20 percent.
Two cups reduces risk by 35%.
Five cups reduces risk by 50%.
Two cups a day reduces risk of liver cirrhosis by 44% ad the risk of dying from it is nearly halved.
Decaf offers some protection but not as much as the high test.Unfortunately, coffee crops are typically doused in pesticides, so you might be better to choose organic.
With Trump signing a trillion dollar fix America’s infrastructure bill, all the brother-in-laws in every state will be dancing in their streets!
NOAA’s Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary will hold a public meeting of the Sanctuary Advisory Council at the Hyatt Place in Marathon Florida, at 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, June 20, 2017.  Members of the public are welcome to attend.  Public comment periods are scheduled for 11:45 a.m. and 2:45 p.m.

The meeting will include a presentation on the on-going management plan review process, past action, status and next steps to ensure all current and newly appointed advisory council members are informed and have the background necessary to effectively engage as the process continues.  The new Chair and Co-Chair will lead a discussion among advisory council members regarding their role in providing recommendations to the Sanctuary Superintendent and as liaisons with the community.



The Marathon Pentathlon. The morning of October 7, 2017 starting at 8am. Let the games begin! Link 

I would like to know how will the military industrial complex  handle it if the Muslims take over? Martial law or Shiite law? How about Redneck law?
I think if you believe in what the Muslims are doing is right, then you should move to the middle east and become one!
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