2017 June

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures


[D-Day June 6, 1944] In the military, D-Day is the day on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated. The best known D-Day is during World War II, on June 6, 1944—the day of the Normandy landings—initiating the Western Allied effort to liberate mainland Europe from Nazi Germany. Video

[“Building Department woes”] (continued from Friday) After a wasted trip to Marathon Thursday (a sign on door read Closed with their hours below) to find the department closed; before I tried again on Friday I called first. As usual there was no answer, only a machine telling me that the person I wanted was busy and to leave a number. Thursday after no answer to their phone, I phoned Key West and they told me the computer was broken and they were closed.

Friday I phoned Marathon and again got the same message saying the person was not available, etc. so again I phoned Key West who told me Marathon was now opened. I explained about the recording and KW assured me the Marathon office was “definitely” open. I drove up there only to be told that they were still closed. The door was open so I tried to leave the application with one of the clerks but she refused to take it, saying I had to come back when the computer was fixed. I’m afraid I made a scene in the office and am now afraid of them retaliating when I have the courage to return and try to submit my application for the third time.


[Tattooed Women Are Indeed Broken] “Hooking Up with a Billboard” Tattoos on a pretty woman is analogous to spray paint on the Mona Lisa. Tattoos on an ugly women just adds to the ugly. Check out a few local watering holes around here and you will see what I mean. And if they are chain smokers they get bonus ugly points. Link

Fortunately, we do have another dive shop left on Big Pine Key.  Strike Zone Charters has everything that you need to go diving.  Gear, air, service and two Corinthian dive boats. They can also set you up with a fishing charter if you like.

[“Diver deaths”] Yay!  Finally! Someone who recognizes that the reason these divers are dying is because they are out of shape, not physical, scared shitless but have to prove something because the other people in their group want to snorkel or dive.

In most cases, the diver’s death was due to an acute cardiac event.  Being overweight is a cardiac risk factor by itself.  It is often associated with poor physical fitness. End of rant.

[Marathon] Did that trailer park that’s at corner of US 1 and 11 St. get sold?  Great location.  I think it changed hands from Carefree to someone else.
[Leaves] It’s Friday, and the lawn crews are out at nearly every house to blow all the terrifying leaves away, especially from vacant homes where the actual occupant is in Ohio or New York. You see, it’s important that these unsightly leaves be removed for the sake of the neighbors—who really shouldn’t mind hearing hours and hours of droning leaf blowers sending literally tens of those frightening leaves from this house to the next, and back again.
[“FDOT Landscaping”] People of the middle keys watch out, these folks won’t landscape to keys’ natural beauty, but their ideas taken from other places in order to change the look of the Keys.


To my friends on left, this would include the Coconut Telegraph, 2 minutes of truth. We need your help to “Make America Great Again” by making America first!

[Local Gossip] I heard that the former chef from Little Italy in Layton is going to give it a crack at the location of the NoWhere Bar and Grill at 114th St & US1 in Marathon. Good luck to them.  A little odd that he’s going across the street from the best Italian restaurant in Marathon. And further odd that he’s getting into bed, figuratively, with Claude.
[“Natural signs to predict hurricanes”] If you’re from somewhere else, and have never been thru a real hurricane in Florida, that means we’re getting a CAT5. Pack-up and go now while you still can!

[“Wit”] I know the person who didn’t find the humor in the “Jersey girls” joke, and I must say I agree with him. That being said, if it is funny to others so be it. As they say, to each his own. Oscar Wilde is indeed still alive. He is certainly getting up there in age. In fact I just saw him on some talk show a couple of months ago. I also just read that he may replace Kathy Griffin on CNN’s new years eve show

Affordable housing was, and is, trailer parks because developers continue using ROGO points they purchase to build mansions.
[Sewers] A resident reported that Cudjoe Gardens is having frequent lift station pump outs in the hours just before daybreak when it would be least observed. That is relatively close to the plant, so does not bode well for the outskirts as connections increase. FKAA’s Deputy Executive Director/ Engineering & Operations Manager Tom Walker who is primarily responsible for the crappy Cudjoe Regional design and construction reportedly retires this July to his new mansion on the mainland. That so reminds me of the proverbial rat abandoning the sinking ship.

You can still report evidence of operational troubles with the new sewers to Speaking of which, what happened that the deep well is apparently still not in use? Will some anonymous informant tell the real story?  ~


There sure are a lot of fires lately. In ten days, two homes, one man, one marina, and one yacht burned.

I never called you stupid. But when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state. It just caught me off guard.
The doctor said I needed to lose weight and suggested I eat more vegetables.  I doubled up on the lettuce in my tacos.
[Back Country Snorkel Report] On a rather nice day last week, I cruised out Kemp and Cudjoe Channels to an area NE of Sawyer Key on an exploratory trip, hoping to bag a hogfish or red grouper or at least log some new lobster ledges for when season opens.

The area I hit started about 1200′ east of an area I explored about 9 months ago that was loaded with fish of all kinds and plenty of other sea life, and the bottom looked similar. There was some current running, so I jumped in and snorkeled along with the boat drift, covering about 4,000′ of bottom in 6 to 10 feet of depth with about 16 feet of visibility. That is much less viz than my last three trips to this area last year. I started in grass flats where the wind and current would carry me over sizeable patch reefs. I immediately noticed there was an astonishing lack of fish. In the grass beds, I only saw two young jacks, one urchin and a hermit crab carrying a small queen conch shell that appeared too small for him. There were no pinfish, grunts, snapper, hogfish, starfish, crabs, conchs, or anything else that usually hangs out in grass. All of the grass blades had a coating of algae. I covered more grass bed than I expected, and it was all the same. When I got to hard bottom, I could hear plenty of snapping from the mantis shrimp and such, but again, damn few fish. I decided to count them. I had covered a lot of ground by the time I hit 29 fish and abandoned the count. In the 3/4+ mile, I might have seen 60 fish total. I used to see almost that many right under the boat! Most of the fish I saw were not market fish. Most were scattered and varied small tropicals hiding under ledges that might have had some lobster or crab sheltering, but didn’t. I saw 5 or 6 small cowfish cruising over the reef, and except for the very short mangroves and jacks (about 10 of each), they were the most plentiful fish. I saw one legal (for now) hogfish, but she was no trophy and is still out there. I also saw only 3 or 4 way-undersized hogfish on the entire drift. The only highlight of the lengthy drift was seeing about a 2′ green turtle who swam away when I got about 6 feet from him. On the way out, I saw a small pod of dolphin in Cudjoe Channel. I stopped a few times and drifted over channel bottom and breaks with a drop camera. The channel bottom at every stop was devoid of fish and other moving sea life. In Pine Channel I usually see a good number of curious fish with the drop camera, even over mud, and they sometimes show on the sounder as well. Is this what central sewers using shallow wells at the landfill has done to Cudjoe’s back country waters? I did not think of any other condition that has changed near Cudjoe that might have driven away or killed almost everything in less than a year, and the algae covered grass seems telling.



[Fire] Fire ravages Marathon marina, closes U.S. 1 and destroyed four commercial lobster boats, a nearby home and more than 20,000 wooden traps as well as forklifts and other equipment. Link

[“Predicting hurricanes by any weird method or old wives tale”] Yeah, I go outside with a cross and look up to the sky and if I get a message I worry about a hurricane, or else I wipe the seagull poop off!

[Rain Barrel Alternative] Use a large kiddy pool with a bug screen and enjoy it too!

[Poisoning Lawn] Last week I dumped about 5 pounds of salt on my lawn and now that spot is dead. So why can we just use salt or sea water to kill off unwanted weeds and grass instead of man-made poisons? Where can I buy rock salt in the Keys?




[Free Computer Magazine] CPU for June 2017. Link

[Sewers] After several years of planning and construction, the deep injection sewer well on Cudjoe Key is finally operational. On Tuesday, the well went live and the plant is treating roughly 330,000 gallons of sewage a day. The well pushes treated effluent some 2,000 feet into the ground.
[Sewer Fake News] I hear and read that virtually all grinder pumps are ready to go, ready for the flip of a switch. This is liberal media big government fake news! There are 8 homes on our street. Only 3 have grinder pumps, and, as of this date, none are operational. Even Mayor George must know that 5 is more than 3. And none is still zero!



Motorcycle “Poker Run” could return to Key West. Link

I just sent Kathy Griffin a sympathy card for the death of her career. Link
[Divers Down Flag] When you display a dive flag and you don’t have divers/snorkelers in the water your dive flag is a douche bag flag. The douche bag flag season has begun. Any time I don’t see snorkelers or a bubble trail when I have to slow down or go around a boat with a dive or (douche bag) flag displayed, I always ask them, “Do you have diver down?” When they say, “No”, I yell, “Then take down your god damn douche bag flag!”
If I’m fishing the bridge where you have more than 3 spans on both sides of me, then they drive, on plane, through the span right next to me, if a 5 oz. egg sinker bounces off your dumbass skull, you passed too close to me. And if you came from the up current direction, I never saw you. Sorry about the lump on the side of your head, but you passed way to close to me. Now put your douche bag flag back up and go on your way. Please don’t be a douche bag.
How come with all the pictures Larry Blackburn posts on the KONK, I never recognize anyone important?
[Cooking Tip] If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trashcan.
Barry Michael Brown, a 71-year-old Big Pine Key man was killed in a house fire on May 11.
[Writer’s Group] Get out of the heat and into the cool at the Big Pine Key Library conference room this Wednesday, June 7 from 1-3 pm. Bring no more than five double-spaced pages to read aloud. Or feel free to be a reader/listener and offer your insights, especially if it’s your first visit.

Join us for optional meet and greet at Bistro 31 at Noon–no later than 11:45 am if you want to order breakfast. Officially it’s 11:30 am but they’ve been pretty forgiving.


New live Critter Cam which is focused on nesting white-crowned pigeons on a backcountry mangrove island.  The camera gives you a really in depth understanding about what birds go through to raise their young.  They just are incubating the eggs now but there should be hatchlings in another week or two.

Special thanks to the Refuges Friends group FAVOR for providing financial support for this project. FAVOR is paying telecom bills and bought infrastructure as well. Video
Hurricane season starts with nobody in charge at FEMA or NOAA. Good luck. Link
[Health Benefits of Figs] Figs are high in fiber and a good source of several essential minerals, including magnesium, manganese, calcium (which promotes bone density), copper, and potassium (which helps lower blood pressure), as well as vitamins, principally K and B6.

Besides keeping much longer, the nutritional value of figs increases when they’re dried. A half-cup of fresh figs, for instance, provides as much calcium as one-half cup of milk, but a single dried fig contains almost as much calcium as an egg. Whether fresh or dried, figs contain powerful antioxidants that neutralize free radicals in your body and fight disease.

Fig supplies healthy amounts of dietary fiber, which keeps your system regulated and may have a positive effect on weight management. According to one study, the fruits with the most fiber content include apples, dates, figs, pears, and prunes, and there was a 34% reduction in breast cancer risk among women who consumed the most fruit fiber, compared to those who ate the least.

Traditional medicine around the world has made use of figs as poultices on tumors, warts, and wounds. The fruit and leaves have been pulverized and gargled to relieve sore throats. Fig extracts and dried figs have been found to contain ingredients that protect the heart, regulate kidney and liver functions, lower blood pressure, lower incidences of macular degeneration, and inhibit some cancers, specifically post menopausal breast cancer.

In some cultures, fig leaves are nearly as important as the fruit, not just because of what they add to Mediterranean-style cuisine, but because of the unique health-related benefits they offer. This includes their ability to regulate blood sugar levels, since research has shown they contain properties that can actually reduce the amount of insulin needed by diabetics.

However, consume figs in moderation because they contain fructose, which may be harmful to your health in excessive amounts.



Long time local Leda Seigal passed away. She and her husband Bruce ran the LedaBruce Gallery on Big Pine after leading a life of thrills and adventure. Link

[House Prices Soar] This time last year the average sale price of residential property in Key West was $632,728, but the average sale price this year has soared to $850,973!
[Developers] It didn’t take long for the developer Joe Walsh to come back with his project for the old shrimp farm on Summerland Key. He did so because a lot of those who showed up at the last meeting where he was denied, have gone North for the summer. Fight his azz or we will lose what little is left on Summerland. Note that the developers at Dolphin Marina are doing the same thing! And in Key West they want to put up parking garages that will block the view of those who come here. The solution is simple – put a limit on how many can be here, that makes it limited space. Then raise the rates on limited space and don’t build any more. As demand increases raise the rates. Make the Keys unaffordable to everyone. So is everybody loving all the fresh Keys seafood Sysco supplies?


[Climate Accord] Most people don’t even realize the US can’t actually back out of the accord until 2020 and the terms are not renegotiable.

[Sewers] “Why are we being singled out to pay so much extra for grinder pumps when none of the other residents have to?” Is it because we are smarter than the average trailer occupant or live on Shark Key?


[Fire] The 50-foot Miss Budweiser sport fishing yacht caught fire and sank Monday morning off the oceanside of the Seven Mile Bridge. What caused the boat to catch fire and sink remains under investigation. She used to be owned by Budweiser and was docked at the Galleon Marina in Key West for many years. Link

[Smart Home Assistants] Apple (HomePod $350) joins Google (Home $130) and Amazon (Echo $180) in selling these assistants. 35 million people in the U.S. are expected to use a voice-activated speaker at least once a month this year, more than double its estimate from last year. Google and Amazon sell them at cost.
My family and I were going to do a road trip around the country, AK, Canada and all the way down to the Falkland Islands, but we can’t find anyone that can build a bullet proof Winnebago for us.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Screw you, Code Enforcement!

My friend told me to forget getting a carry permit for a handgun, just carry a 12 gauge and be done with it. The London Bridge attack told me to get a carry permit and use my weapon if me or my family is in danger. I will not hesitate to use anything to protect my kids and wife!

JO: How many cards and calls do you get on Father’s Day?
MO: Shouldn’t be any cause I’m hiding in the Keys.
JO: I have three kids, you got any?
MO: Probably!
For those complaining about Yankees and northerners, remember this fact: Sloan is from a well-to-do family, educated and from Alabama. Damn scary testament to the sanity of southern people right there!
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