2017 March

Friday, March 17, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[Spies Like Us] One of the 500 CIA projects revealed by WikiLeaks last week is malware technology that can jump from one device to another computer that is isolated from the internet. Up until now that was impossible. Computers had to be connected to the internet to be hacked. The CIA’s device is wireless. Imagine taking this device into Apple’s corporate headquarters and stealing all their trade secrets with just a few clicks?
1984 Tiara Sportfish, length 31.5, beam 12′ 1990 twin Volvo diesel engines cruising speed 18 knots folding tuna tower good condition. 2015 survey had it valued at $30,000. Big Pine Key $20,000 Call 561-542-0903
[Sexual Intercourse] Florida Supreme Court, Thursday, officially defined “sexual intercourse”. The term ‘sexual intercourse’ is commonly understood to broadly refer to various sexual acts, including the sexual act at issue here.” Further, the decision says sexual intercourse “unambiguously denotes sexual conduct that includes acts of oral and anal intercourse.”
[Remember the Main] March 15, 1898 the Battleship Maine Court of Inquire began its deliberation on the USS Iowa, anchored off Sand Key Lighthouse.


The Cudjoe Key blimp is like a great big weather vane everyone can see in the lower Keys. The biggest one ever. Wherever it’s pointing that’s the direction the wind is coming from.

[Government Programs That Could Be Cut] Head Start, Social Security, Disability Social Security, Retirement and Survivors Benefits, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), Medicaid, Medicare, Welfare (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, or T.A.N.F.), G.I. Bill, Veterans’ benefits, Pell Grants, Unemployment Insurance, Food Stamps, Government Subsidized Housing, Home Mortgage Interest Deduction, Hope and Lifetime Learning Tax Credits, Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit, 529 accounts (qualified tuition programs), or Coverdell education savings account (Education I.R.A.’s), Earned-income tax credit, Employer subsidized health insurance, Employer subsidized retirement benefits, Federal student loans.

If anti-big government politicians find themselves in a position to put their agenda into practice, voters will quickly get a lesson in what slashing spending really means — and they won’t be happy. Most government spending serves purposes that are popular, important or (usually) both.

[Foot Puppets] Have you ever seen foot puppets?! Anna will amaze and entertain you with her feet skills. Video

It’s St Pat’s Day again and time to sample libations at our local watering holes. Thank Dog we locals get a discount, right?

[Dead Coral] The world has lost roughly half its coral reefs in the last 30 years. The health of the planet depends on it: Coral reefs support a quarter of all marine species, as well as half a billion people around the world. Even if the world could halt global warming now, scientists still expect that more than 90 percent of corals will die by 2050. Without drastic intervention, we risk losing them all.
[Indian Necklaces] The Sioux wore necklaces, regularly in single strands.
The Crow necklaces ordinarily were in multiple strands.
Later the Cheyenne adopted the fashion to some extent. Mostly they designed them in single strands, like the Sioux.
The multiple curved loops of the Crows became also fashionable among us Cheyenne.
[SammySam the DirecTV Man] Tomorrow, Saturday, come join the Ray West Band jam the night away at the Looe Key Tiki bar from 7 to 11 p.m. With SammySam & Drummer George on backup percussion, and featuring our new badass female bass player, Kim Jade Frye. Come check us out.
I rode in a stretch limo that seats 8 sardines in the back for a funeral Thursday. This shiny black Lincoln had little doors in the rear that were awkward enough for my 24-year-old-ex-cheerleader-competitive-gymnast-gym-rat niece to crawl though without flashing her hiney, so you can imagine the 87-year old widower and several plump senior women. I said, “Think of it as a space capsule escape hatch.” as they struggled out against gravity. Inside there was a skinny lane between a long, refrigerated bar and a row of seats, and to reach the end seats behind the driver you had to do a crouch walk or bump-slide your butt down the whole row of side seats like a chimpanzee. Only two seats at the rear faced forward. Nobody had any leg room. It was first in, last out only. Forget the high-class style, give me a comfortable minivan any day! My sister paid a young lady with an operatic voice $175 to lead two hymns and sing a solo song for the service. Nice work if you can get it.

Nice Work If You Can Get It — Ella Fitzgerald

Spanish hair salon gives homeless guy an incredible makeover. Video



Coca production in Colombia has surged to levels unseen in two decades of U.S. eradication efforts. A new White House report released Tuesday shows an 18 percent increase from 2015-2016 in the Andean country’s production of the plant used to make cocaine. An estimated 465,000 acres of Colombian land were planted with coca plants last year.

[Redemption] This couple nursed a rainforest back to life. Video
The main reason men drink themselves to death is marriage! Amen.
The Florida Keys Southernmost Car Club (FKSCC) holds its monthly SHOW &SHINE this Sunday, March 19th. Noon to 3 pm. This event is for the lovers of classic, custom, and street rod automobiles of all years and makes. Fords, Chevys, trucks, Ratrods, lowriders, and chrome loaded motorcycles. If it cool and on wheels it will be here. This fun afternoon event is free to all, starts at noon till 3 pm. The event continues at the Sugarloaf Lodge, on Sugarloaf Key, MM17. Prizes, 50/50 good food and cold beverages are available. The Club’s new sound system will provide 50’s and 60’s music. Bring the kids to enjoy these beautiful relics of the auto world. This is a free event. Club members are seeking new members for a full schedule shows events. Join Sunday and get the new club hat or shirt! For more information contact Dick Moody 305- 942-1758


[Sex Dolls] I was wandering the Kmart in Marathon today when I notice a door in the back of the place that was painted pink. You can imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw what they were selling!

[Defeat for Xenophobic Populism] The Guardian view on Dutchman Geert Wilders’ defeat: good news, to be treated with caution. Link
[Down With Trap Pullers] I wish the law would refer to trap-pullers, the guys, (not the equipment) as laborers or just trap pullers and not fisherman. I know that (technically) they are fisherman because they get paid but, so many of these people get arrested they give us hard working fin-fish pros a bad rap. Being a professional fisherman used to be something that was respected down here. No education, no trades skill, no drivers license and you end up on a trap boat. A monkey could pull traps and I wish trap boat owners would buy and teach monkeys to do all the trap pulling so we would not have to hear about (another) or the (next) scumbag “fisherman” getting arrested. And yes, I did pull traps one season a long time ago. A friend of mine’s father lost a finger in the puller so I stepped up and took his place so he could get his job back after rehab. Those losers were nothing but junkies and thieves and I hated every stinking minute on that shitty boat. Every time I swerve around a pot buoy I cuss the rules that allow trappers to create navigation hazards with their noisy and smelly ugly boats.



Never think that a wishbone is as good as a backbone.

[Augmented Reality Stocks] Good news for Facebook, bad news for Apple. Link
[Being Partisan] The sadist thing about taking sides in politics is even if you know for sure you are wrong about a situation, but follow your Party’s path blindly to allow them to win is insane. This can kill people!



[Blimp] Does Fat Albert, the aerostat, still fly? I saw an article that funding was cut in 2013, but then references to someone seeing it in 2014. I remember it from our last trip to the keys and have referred to it in a book I’m writing (but not yet published.) If it is a thing of the past, I’ll take it out of my manuscript.

[Spies Like Us] They spy on you through your microwave because they know it’s the one place you can’t put tin foil.
Ok, fess up. Anyone been to the newly opened Asian massage parlor yet on Big Pine?



When you have to pick up your mom at the airport.

Politicians constantly say we don’t have enough money for Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Yeah, no kidding and if you think taxing the rich or middle class or businesses more will put an end to that, you’re the one that needs to wake up.  The more money the government gets, the more it wastes.  What needs to happen is for the government to become more efficient when spending other people’s money.  Do you remember a few years back when property values were going up?  What happened with property taxes?  They went up also, if the owner didn’t file for a Homestead Exemption.  The county collected extra revenue. Do you remember what improvements they made with that extra revenue?  Me either.
[“Hurricane evacuation. Old-timers have been through so many that we know flooding is the only thing to worry about if you have an elevated house”] Your wisdom would have provided a great deal of consolation to the folks in 1935, especially if they retreated to the second story to avoid getting their feet wet in a flood.
Action expresses priorities.  ~Ghandi
[School Board’s Crappy Website] I gather from occasional newspaper reports that the Audit and Finance Committee still meets. There never is anything new on the District website including agendas and minutes.  Similarly, I have not seen any reports about the AFC and its activities in the local media.  Is the AFC truly active?  If so, what has it been doing lately?  It would be nice if the public was solicited for input in your deliberations as well as being informed of their content.

I should think that the District website would be an ideal location for information regarding AFC activities.  Interest by the AFC and use of the website to date is pretty low. For example, there are biographies listed of all members, but the pages are blank. You might as well not even have an AFC page on the District website.

[New Invention] Indiana State Trooper filmed this sarcastically funny PSA about this major vehicle safety feature called a “turn signal.” And remember if you are low on blinker fluid, the police will fill it up for free. Video

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is. That is called “a back-handed compliment”.
[Sanctuary] Metro Detroit churches, synagogues become sanctuaries for immigrants. Houses of worship in metro Detroit working to help protect undocumented immigrants amid crackdown. This is happening in Detroit. I wonder if it is happening in all churches nationwide; and what that will bring to the table. God or Country?  Link
We need more diversity in the Keys. It has way too many old fat white guys.  I think the first step would be to bring in some cute, educated Japanese women. They would be great to look at and talk to, and the locals may even clean up a little for them. And bonus points, these women tend to stay thin.
[Blue Lives Matter Bill] The state House on Thursday sent to the governor a blue lives matter bill that would double the criminal penalties for those who commit crimes targeting police, fire or emergency medical first responders.
[Peepee] I only have one question for the genius that came up with the waterless/flushless urinal. Do you really like the smell of pee that much? I’ve never wizzed in one that didn’t make me gag. Hey proprietors, don’t bother putting a bucket of ice in that thing because I’m not coming back here to eat anyway.


Where is the FTR guy? Did Zika get him?

[Friday Joke] Old  Timers  Sex          The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’     ‘Yes’,  she says, ‘I remember it well.’ ‘OK,’  he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’     ‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds crazy but a good idea!’        A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.    I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.          So he follows them.             The elderly couple walks haltingly along,   leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..        Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..         The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…       Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex  that the policeman has ever seen.     This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.       Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.     The policeman is amazed.      He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.       After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.      The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.      So, as the couple passes, he says to  them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?  Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,     ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!
[Yard Sale Etiquette] I do wish that someone would publish a guide to yard sale etiquette.  Some highlights would be: never place a sign before you are ready to accept shoppers.  A 2X2 sign stating your hours can not be read by a driver tooling down the highway.  Most yard sale patrons will simply turn down the street looking for the next sign leading to the sale only to find that there is no current sale. This wastes time and annoys your neighbors by driving unnecessary traffic through your neighborhood.
Related to signs: not removing your sign after ending the sale should also be punished by reimbursing everyone who wasted time and fuel looking for your non-existent sale.As someone who enjoys going to sales looking for the deal of the day, I would like to suggest that before you price an Item that you at least have a clue as to the actual price of a similar new item.  It is both funny and annoying to find an item priced at new or greater prices.  And yes, I understand that it is your stuff and you can ask what you want but you do realize the general concept of a yard sale is to reduce your pile of unnecessary stuff and giving an opportunity for someone to acquire something that they could otherwise afford new.If we are not careful we may end up like other communities around the Country where they have to get a permit from the County or City just to have a yard sale.



Saint Patrick regrets his decision to drive the snakes out of Ireland.

[U.S. Wildlife Services] The 2016 kill count is out and the numbers are staggering. This rogue program inside the U.S. Department of Agriculture killed more than 2.7 million animals last year including birds including eagles, bears, beavers, cougars and bobcats. We must stop this cruel slaughter.
[Key West Orchid Society] March meeting after all. Jay Phal has a video that he’d like to show us. It’s about the Wild Orchid Man of Peru.  Sounds interesting.  As usual, 1 pm – program starts at 1:30, at the West Martello Fort.  Bring your Show & Tell, but no plants for sale, no raffle. Full Menu > Ongoing Events



Spring break is here. Have fun, enjoy the Keys, be safe. Don’t drink & drive.   ~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store

[Outdoor Fair] This Saturday, March 18 is a fun day. With our friends group FAVOR we’ll be hosting the 2nd annual Wildlife and Outdoor Fair at Big Pine Community Park at the end of Sands Road.  The event runs from 9-2, it follows the annual “Run with Deer 5K”.  There will be dozens of exhibitors, local artists, a silent auction and tons of things that kids would be interested in.  We hope to make this a big community event, so bring your friends and family and stop by Saturday if you get a chance.
The Lower Keys Chamber of Commerce Annual Business WalkAbout & Auction is coming up on Saturday, April 22 from 11am-4pm at Boondocks Grille & Drafthouse on Ramrod Key.  This Australian-themed event gives many local businesses a chance to show off their products and services. For more info 305-872-2411

The 24th Annual Big Pine & Lower Keys Dolphin Tournament hosted by the Lower Keys Chamber of Commerce is June 2-4 at Sugarloaf KOA.  This is a boat tournament with a fee of only $450/boat. Link

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