Friday, March 23, 2018

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsLetters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.​​

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[Insurance Company Sucks] My house had a bunch of Irma wind damage. The insurer paid a pittance and hoped I would go away. I hired a lawyer when the claims agent would not even return my calls. The insurer responded with a generic letter demanding that nothing be repaired or thrown away. The house is not habitable as-is. The insurer’s field adjuster called the insurer in my presence and said, “He can’t live here. You need to send him a check right away for alternate living expenses.” They have not sent a penny, although I paid for about $24,000 of coverage for alternate living expenses or relocation costs. The insurer is not paying, and I just paid a half year of premiums on the full value of a house I can’t live in. My mortgage company demands insurance on the full value of the principle balance, but I boogied down to the agent and reduced my house coverage to that minimum and dropped a bunch of other coverages. Why should I pay them more while they delay paying for my Irma damages? If everyone did the same, it might send a clear message to their accounts receivable department that would get their attention, besides giving us each a few hundred a month in savings.The local agent accepted the reductions of coverage, but then I got a call from the main office 2 days later saying it cannot be done. The coverage you are allowed to buy and forced to pay for is not up to you or your mortgage company he said. You must pay for coverage calculated from the square footage of your house and what the insurer has determined it would cost to replace said house; even if said house happens to be destroyed and the insurer is refusing to pay for the contractor’s repair quote and also refusing to pay for full replacement as required by Monroe County’s 60% of just market value on the structure (50% of [market + 20%] = 60%= simpler calculation). That goes for both flood and wind says the agent. Furthermore, you cannot reduce contents coverage on your primary residence- even if you can’t live in it and everything is trashed. Unbelievable isn’t it?
Regarding these terrible school shootings and safety; I would add raising the age for internet access and texting to 40 year old. I know I’d feel safer.


The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, March 24, 10 am at the newly restored Senior Center.  Hope to see you there!

[Muslim Hypocrisy] Top song in Australia. Video
A brief history of the 5-cent plastic bag tax. Video

My son asked me, “Why don’t the doctors make AIDS people have an AIDS tattoo on their foreheads to warn other people?” I told him most people in the Keys couldn’t leave their houses! He started to cry.

[“Living in Paradise”] The local writer seems pretty naïve about why the cost of housing is so high. It is a story repeated all over the place. Ever look at housing costs Seattle to San Diego, Boston to Washington, D.C., frankly, anywhere folks want to be? We live in a capitalist’s society that stacks the deck toward the wealthy. Manhattan is filled with residences the owners use only occasionally, ditto San Francisco, and on and on. Until our society wants to fairly parcel out limited resources and have tax structures that reward ongoing work and more deeply taps the resources of the ultra-wealthy, the writer might want to look at real estate in the obscure armpits of America.

[“Irish Spring thwarts deer”] I tried that trick recommended in the last CT about using Irish Spring soap to keep the deer away. It worked great, but now I have to deal with a bunch of fricking leprechauns and their green poop. And to make matters worse, the one named Tripod keeps sniffing around my wife.

Sex toys and drones among at least 1,000 parcels stopped at Delhi Airport. This is the real reason drones were invented along with the ‘plane brown rapper’. Link



What ever happened to Bicycle Joanie?  Is she up in the stars running for office in heaven? She ran for everything. We’ve lost most of these fabulous people. She told me she was a teacher once, and she got her name from showing up at the restaurant she worked at always on a bicycle. Oh, how the world’s changed. I’m sure the politicians don’t miss her. She truly was a trip.

[“Eyesore that was the former Underseas Dive Shop”] Heh, yeah. That’s what the Keys have become. Gas pumps and sandwich shops. No need for dive shops. At one time Big Pine had three. None of the migrants from the north move to the Keys to dive. They can’t. They’re afraid. Instead they are line fishermen who need 3-4 motors to get out to where the fish that are left live. A sad day for those of us who used to deal with MaryAnn Rocket. I used to race flat-track motorcycles with a guy named Pop. Yeah, he came to the mainland to race almost every week. R.I.P. Pop Rocket, R..IP. Underseas, R.I.P. the Florida Keys. The good old days are gone
[Excess Booze] Too bad alcohol isn’t heavily discounted the day after St. Patrick’s Day, the way candy is after Valentine’s Day.


Who purchased all the protest signs all in place the day after the Stoneman Douglas School shootings? Who is paying for all the students’ trips to Washington, DC?

[“Weapons of War”] “You don’t know me” assures us that he won’t go crazy and kill as many people as he can with his military gun because he keeps it locked up. What happens when he does go nuts? He has the key. And if he has boys, they probably know where the key is (I did). I don’t think all these mass murders were always nuts — they snapped. Confiscate all weapons of war. They are not needed nor will they ever be needed as long as we continue to vote.


[Illegal Dumping] Who or whomever has been dumping (especially building trash) in our garbage dumpster is hereby on notice. We pay $7,000 a year for that dumpster. Our dumpster will now be under video surveillance and you will be caught and prosecuted!  ~Joe, Coconuts Bar and Package

[Friday Joke] The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man, ‘this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?’ he asked..
‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied, ‘you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’
The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again, all you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your f**king bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’




Easter ham 99 cents a pound! Winn Dixie’s weekly ad. Link

I’m glad there’s no national politics on the CT. The news is too unbelievable to be able to sleep at night.
[“Eyesore that was the former Underseas Dive Shop”] They never thought about maintenance or ‘image’. The place was run down in 1976 when I bought my first SCUBA gear there at a great discount.


[“Gun control”] What we need is common-sense people control!

[1518 Mexico] Montezuma was said to have reigned seventeen years up to the day of his death. Mexico never had a better monarch; and, with regard to his personal courage, he had fought several duels respecting some disputed territory, and had each time come off victorious.
Where do vultures nest? I keep looking, but I’ve never seen or heard of a vulture nest? I’ll bet it would stink.



I stood there all day, nothing happened, so sad. (Star Trek fans will get this.)

UWFK is offering free tax preparation assistance for qualifying taxpayers in the Lower, Middle, and Upper Keys.  Taxpayers can get personal assistance at a VITA location, or can use the free online service at Link

Save the Keys and ban fences. People come into the Keys and within days start sticking up fences “to protect the property” and that is what kills these beautiful islands. The dog packs people seem to need also are a nuisance as is their planting of grass, (not the good stuff either). Maybe the Conch Republic was a good idea!

[“My dream of living here in paradise”] Well thought out and well written.




That point in the argument when instead of admitting your wife was right, you just chill in the huge hole you dug yourself.

How did 84 Lumber come into BPK and totally clear this entire property of all the native trees without permits and plans to do so. Code Enforcement fined them — big deal, they still did all the work, removed all our trees and still have no approval to do anything on this property. Monroe County Building & Planning looked the other way.  What about our Comprehensive Plan on BPK?  We need to hold Monroe County accountable for this mess.


Fat Albert is floating again!  I’ve seen it on the ground for some time now, but today (Tuesday) is the first time I’ve actually seen it in the air. Things are getting back to normal.

What I cannot understand is why do the illegals come to America for free stuff and don’t respect our laws, flag or citizens, when they could just as well fix their own country to make it their America?



Annual Watercolor Exhibit runs through March 24 at Marathon Community Theatre. Video

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