2016 March

Friday, March 4, 2016

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

The single winning ticket in Wednesday’s $291.4 million Powerball drawing was sold at a convenience store in Marathon, the Florida Lottery announced Thursday. Think of all the new friends the winner will have!
sticker-token free


[Santeria] Officials suspect the three goats, five adult chickens, six baby chickens and two pigeons found headless at the end of Boca Chica Road on Wednesday were possibly sacrificed in a Santeria ritual. All the animals found by passersby were missing their heads.

coconuts 700x175
[Spell-check Knows All] How come every time I write something to the Coconut Telegraph and use FKAA in a sentence, my spell-check wants to replace FKAA with FAKE?
bbq pokes w fork

[Roast Iguana] Phew, I was worried that this anti-gun range amendment would affect me, but alas I only shoot for meat. While in Special Forces I learned that iguana tail, skinned, rubbed with key lime juice, sprinkled with salt and slowly roasted over a fire on a green stick, and a couple of dashes of Red Yucateca Habenaro sauce, and wrapped in corn tortillas is an unbelievable delicacy. So as I’m hunting for food and as I’m a 76 year old 30 year BPK resident I don’t need no stinkin’ license! So stop on over and belly up Bubba.



My neighbor is totally pissed off at the sewer contractor we both hired to do the installations. The contractor charged us both the same amount. My property had trees and bushes and is a real tough install, while his is wide open, flat ground with a shorter run. He asked the contractor why we were charged the same when my job took two days and his took half a day. The contractor said everybody gets the same price and it balances out. “This is bull shit”, I said, “My neighbor just paid half of my billing.”

So the school district is finally removing Mike Henriquez as the Principal at HOB as a result of the latest financial scandal where $20,000 went missing.  I wonder what he’ll do next?  Hey, maybe there are some openings at the Aqueduct Authority.  I’ll bet his buddy Randy would give him a great recommendation.


Why is it that women always prefer the hottest temperature setting?

How many years is a can of Spam good for and also Chef Boyardee Ravioli?
winner9The Good Health Clinic crowned its 2016 Big Kahuna winner at last Saturday’s 5th Annual Beach Luau. Nelson Sanchez of the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office is the winner! Nelson won in a photo finish raising just over $6k.  He ran against Terry Abel, Islamorada Fire Chief; Betsy Ketelkas, Florida Atlantic Securities; and AJ Vetter, Freewheeler Realty.   Collectively the 4 contestants raised $23,833 to support the Good Health Clinic.  Previous Big Kahuna’s include; Rob Stober (2015), Vicky Walker (2013), Skip Bradeen (2012), Rick Freeburg (2011).
I noticed only some of the sewer installers use pea rock to bed the sewer pipe to the connections, but some just lay it on the uneven dirt trench. Bedding helps it level out. Seems to me this should be bedded and packed down to keep the pipe from getting broken. They also do not burry the pipe very deep and the weight of vehicles could crush the pipe if it’s not bedded properly. Who is at fault if the pipe breaks and mask a mess?
accurate-home insp 700x175
[We Do Windows] Window Wizard. We will clean your windows interior and exterior. 908-235-9413. Business Directory > Home
tree looks aroundThere are trees for free to Florida residents in 2016! The Arbor Day Foundation and Florida Forest Service, with support from USDA Forest Service and the Florida Urban Forestry Council invite you to sign up and have a free tree delivered to your home. That is correct. Sign up, decide which tree and what energy saving location you can plant it in your yard, and then your new tree is ordered and coming to you. It is that simple.

Visit the Arbor Day Foundation’s website for the Energy Saving Trees Program. Go through the simple registration process and be part of 10,000 new trees being added to the urban forests of Florida in this energy saving program. Link

[How I Learned To Mind My Own Business] I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, “13 …13 …13.” The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks. I looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting “14 …14 …14.”

Being sightless in one eye this hit me as very funny.  ~Coconuts Bar

coon-cat[Catnapping] We have a raccoon problem here on Big Pine Key. They are operating as a gang, they are all wearing a mask, it’s hard to make a positive ID. They are kidnapping kittys from the owners and demanding a ransom of PB&J on crackers along with some smoked fish & cold beer. Don’t try to take them yourself, call 911 & stay put in a safe place.

I asked a local official why I could not install a diverter valve for my septic system so I could have a back-up in case the FKAA‘s sewer system failed. He said because the law says I couldn’t have one. I asked again for why and got a smirk and a smart-ass answer about people turning on the valve to save money on their sewer water bills. I said why don’t you people install the valve with a Monroe County lock on it so people cannot do that and unlock the septic system just in case the FKAA system fails? He walked away and I got a very sharp pain up my arse!

If the Boy Scouts were smart, they make their own cookies because the Girl Scout’s cookies are stale nasty crap.
hypnotize crystal ball



Little girl hypnotizes an iguana and other animals and puts them to sleep on stage. Video

nira-tocco 700x175
When will the police enforce the rules of the road in Marathon? I see the same dirtbag tooling down the center lane twice a week. I’d love to be a copper for just a day to snatch up all these a**holes to tell them, “Listen up you brainless d**kheads, use the damn bike path or your all getting ticketed!”


I almost made it a year clean, then I ran into my dealer and threw it all away!

[Sewers] Fact or fiction?  I am hearing all kinds of talk about the sewer lift station pumps overheating and burning out. I also heard someone shut off many of the alarms on the lift stations. Other people have commented that they heard there now is no rush or push by FKAA to get connected because of these emerging problems. Is there any truth to any of this? I only know one thing for sure- if they cut corners installing this system we the property owners will be paying for it forever.  The saying “up shit creek without a paddle” will take on a whole new meaning.
yard sale grass

Cudjoe Gardens march madness community-wide yard sale will be start at 8 am Saturday, March 5th at MM 21, Drost, Sawyer, & Colson Drives. Kayaks, new sewing machine, large power tools, men’s and women’s new wet suits, Trek bike & household treasures!

Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call “may” be recorded for “training” purposes.
johnsons 700x175
Donna, are you still in Big Pine?  Let’s meet at the Bat Tower and catch up.
hunter ceiling fan[Wanted: Fan Mechanic] I need to find an electrician who can install a replacement capacitor and a replacement 3-speed control in my Hunter Original, oil bath, cast iron ceiling fan. I have the new replacement parts. All I need is an experienced person who can perform these repairs without taking the ceiling fan down. Reply to the CT with your contact information.
More shame on the Cudjoe Regional sewer project has been brought to light by another whistleblower. FKAA and County Engineering got funding authorized by the BOCC to finally drill the deep well that they always should have had at the Cudjoe treatment plant. But they never designed enough electrical service capacity into the plant to run the 75 hp deep well pumps. So now they are trying to figure out what plant equipment they can shut down so as not to overload the massive 1200 amp-480 volt-3 phase electrical service! Remember that promised emergency generator so the deep wells still work when the power goes out? Another FKAA lie. No generator is planned. FKAA plans on using the shallow wells a bunch and screw the nearshore waters that this whole FUBAR system was theoretically supposed to improve. The deep well pumps don’t even have a dedicated pump wet well! They reportedly share the little wetwell designed to supply plant wash-down and chemical mixing water.
When the hell are they just going to do something (anything) right? Build another little air conditioned bunker for the deep well motor control electrical and add another generator. Even if it meant adding another transformer just for the deep well- no problem, KEYS has plenty sitting in their storage. This is not the first screw-up that needs another cash infusion to fix, nor will it be the last. Get used to it BOCC, and consider if it was wise to “trust our engineers.”
Please email your detailed information and/or videos of Cudjoe Regional sewer failures, in confidence, to
The Rolling Stones will play a free concert in Havana on March 25, becoming the biggest act to play Cuba since its 1959 revolution.
no spam rotateI took the advice from a friend to set my email program to only receive email from those in my Address Book and to insert any new address into it automatically if I email to them or reply to them. It works. I get no spam or junk advertising that I do not want to read! Thanks friend.
[Yard Sales] This is the start of march madness where people have garage and yard sales to sell over-priced junk they are too cheap to throw away. Bargain hunters will waste gallons of gas and drive like maniacs to find the ‘Picasso’ or that set of solid silver tableware. Good luck dreamers!
[More Catholic Pedophiles] Two Catholic bishops who led a small Pennsylvania diocese helped cover up the sexual abuse of hundreds of children by more than 50 priests and other religious leaders over a 40-year period, according to a grand jury report that portrays the church as holding such sway over law enforcement that it helped select a police chief.
antarctic_seaice_sept19Antarctic sea ice reaches new record maximum – NASA. If sea levels rise five feet. If my uncle had wheels he would be a wagon. Over the past 25 years, the average high tide has increased by 0.25, that’s a quarter inch. So with that math, in 100 years in will rise 1 inch. Do you get where I’m going. The weather changes, Climate changes is real & it goes both ways. If you can trust NASA as having some of the best & smartest minds in the business working for them this should help you sleep better. Link
Do I have to vote for anyone in the primary if I hate them all?
green beaker smoking



What effect does microwaves have on artificial sweeteners?

[Cuba Flights] The airlines won’t get all of their requests, but below are the routes each carrier applied to fly:

American is seeking 10 daily flights from Miami to Havana, one from Charlotte and one from Dallas as well as one weekly flight from both Los Angeles and Chicago. From Miami, it is also looking for two daily flights to Santa Clara, Holguin and Varadero and daily service to Camaguey and Cienfuegos.

Delta is seeking flights from Atlanta, New York, Miami and Orlando to Havana. All would be daily, except for Miami where Delta is seeking two daily flights.

JetBlue is looking to serve Havana with four daily flights from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, two from Tampa, Florida, Orlando and New York and one daily flight from Boston and Newark, New Jersey. It also wants one daily flight from Fort Lauderdale to Camaguey, Holguin and Santa Clara.

Southwest Airlines wants to fly to Havana with six daily flights from Fort Lauderdale, two from Tampa and one daily flight from Orlando. It also applied for daily flights from Fort Lauderdale to Varadero and one to Santa Clara.

United Airlines is asking for daily flights between Newark, New Jersey, and Havana with two flights on Saturdays. It also wants Saturday-only flights from Chicago, Houston and Washington D.C.

Alaska Airlines wants two daily flights from Los Angeles to Havana.

Frontier Airlines applied for one daily flight between Denver and Havana, three daily flights between Miami and Havana, one daily flight between Miami and Santiago, four weekly flights between Miami and Camaguey, three weekly flights between Miami and Santa Clara, one weekly flight between Chicago and Varadero and one weekly flight between Philadelphia and Varadero.

Silver Airways, a Florida-based regional airline, wants to fly to Havana twice daily from West Palm Beach, once daily from Fort Myers and Fort Lauderdale, five times a week from Key West, and twice a week from Jacksonville. It also proposed to fly from Fort Lauderdale to nine other Cuban cities. Link

[Immigration Control 1798 Paris] Bonaparte had scarcely arrived at Toulon when he heard that the law for the death of emigrants was enforced with frightful rigour; and that but recently an old man, upwards of eighty, had been shot. Indignant at this barbarity, he dictated to me, in a tone of anger, the following letter:

“I have learned, citizens, with deep regret, that an old man, between seventy and eighty years of age, and some unfortunate women, in a state of pregnancy, or surrounded with children of tender age, have been shot on the charge of emigration. Have the soldiers of liberty become executioners? Can the mercy which they have exercised even in the fury of battle be extinct in their hearts? The law of the 19th Fructidor was a measure of public safety. Its object was to reach conspirators, not women and aged men. I therefore exhort you, citizens, whenever the law brings to your tribunals women or old men, to declare that in the field of battle you have respected the women and old men of your enemies. The officer who signs a sentence against a person incapable of bearing arms is a coward. (Signed) BONAPARTE.”

This letter saved the life of an unfortunate man who came under the description of persons to whom Bonaparte referred.

big bird suit




How Big Bird works.

Last Stand decided not to take an official stand on Peary Court. They have a very well written explanation here: Link
[FTR] Deer Friends, please remember that while the Trump camp is bragging about “winning”….the sobering fact is that they are not winning a majority. Trump does not have the support of the majority of the Republican party or conservative thinkers. Tuesday’s elections results reveal the harsh fact is that about 2/3rds of Republicans oppose Trump. Think about that. (continued on the National Politics page …)
vote reminder


[FTR] Don’t forget to vote, it is vital.  Early voting is now in progress for the March primary.  An early voting place is available for you at the Big Pine Community Park.  Don’t forget to bring I.D. with you. I think that they are open until 5.

Submit anything but National Politics to For National Politics go directly to that page, log in, and post your comment. NATIONAL POLITICS

national politics an(Click here)