Friday, September 1, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002
Published Tuesdays and Fridays. Letters to the editor with pictures.

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Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, Wetstock 13, one day of Peace & Music, is this Sunday September 3 at noon (Keys’ time). It will be bigger and better than all the previous Wetstocks. It’s hard to believe that this is the thirteenth time my friends and I have been putting this party on. Six bands are lined up to come and rock throughout the day.
Ukelele’s in Paradise
The Rockin Bob’s
Karen Weber and The Funkin’ Conchs
The Lady A Band
Catagory 4 Band
The Ray West Band
Bring the family and enjoy the waters off Picnic Island. Please have all your boating safety gear and show courtesy to all the boats around you so we can have a safe and wonderful day of Peace & Music. Take only pictures and leave only foot prints.  ~Flip-Flop Bob

[Labor Day] We at the Johnsons Insurance Agency want to wish you & yours a Happy and Safe Labor Day. In observance of the holiday, we will be closed on Monday.  We will resume normal business operations Tuesday morning.



This years dolphin season was a good one, better than good — excellent! The fish stayed with us & are still easy to find. Big Pine Key has some of the very best saltwater fishing & diving in the world. America’s Out Islands. How lucky we are to live here.  ~Coconuts Bar & Package Store, down town Pine Key

Pigeon Key does not have cesspits. There have two aerobic treatment plants.
[“Why didn’t Houston evacuate”] Do you remember what happened with Hurricane Rita? More people died on I-10 during the evacuation than died from the actual storm event. The reality is if we need to evacuate Monroe County, the current schedule will not work. The county has grown exponentially since Wilma, and the majority of the transplants are clueless as to how to handle a tropical event. Americans have been told to have a preparedness plan since 9/11. It included 72 hours worth of supplies. The FEMA website now says two weeks. It’s imperative that all Americans have a plan and a clue as to what they will do if they are cut off from their water, food, electricity and sewers. While the rescues in Texas are impressive, it’s sad to see the majority of the folks being rescued have no real ‘go-bags’ thus indicating they are living without a preparedness plan. If you live in the Keys or have a house you own here, get a plan, prepare your home and yourself for the inevitable. It’s not a matter of if we’re getting a storm, it’s a matter of when!
Italian spelling bee. Video
Music is a safe kind of high.




Here’s my wife’s fresh yogurt she “cooks” in the oven using only the oven light for heat.

[Sewers] Raw sewage overflow reported on Big Pine. Finally, FKAA filed a DEP incident report! These are required for any “abnormal event”. Since about 2009 FKAA has claimed nothing ever goes amiss. Since plenty of people would have seen this spill, FKAA really could not hide this one. A lift station on Elma Ave. on Big Pine Key overflowed a reported 100 gallons of raw sewage on Aug 14. The problem was reported as being an unlocked control panel found with all breakers switched off. There is supposedly an alarm reporting system in place (with battery backup) that notifies of power loss and high water levels. Obviously, it does not work. The entire collection system to that lift station would have had to fill up all the way to people’s laterals for the lift station to overflow. If everyone were connected, that would still take about a full day, so it was probably out of service for days with nobody aware. Notably, the failure of the required lift station alarm telemetry system was not reported as an abnormal event.


[Nip] When I hang on to the dive ladder with my feet and ankles and float behind the boat at the reef, in a few minutes the sargent-majors will start eating at my red bathing suit. Shortly thereafter the yellowtail will join in. I wonder if they nip at black suits too. I only have red. Let me know if black’s safe and if I should buy a black suit.

[Spanglish word of the day] “Wafer” I wanted to go to the cantina with mi amigo but he didn’t wafer me.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.  ~Bertrand Russell


I just received my one-way ticket. It was more expensive than I thought!

[Friday Joke] Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

“Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked. My “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, “Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a prostitute club, not a parachute club.” I calmly replied, “Oh my, I think I’m in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!” The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old geezer. Remember, don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

[Happy/Sad] Why is it that we never know when we’re happy, but we always know when were’re not?

I wish there was a politician who wanted to build bridges, not walls.
Big Pine Key Winn Dixie’s Weekly Ad



How Key Deer think.

[Coconuts Uke Nite] This Wednesday at 7 pm. The best deal on the Island. Stop by & Uke out with us.  Video
[Vietnam] I have no issues with the routes flown by the MCSO’s helicopters. Here is a link to “God’s Own Lunatics”, narrated by Joe Galloway. This clip brings back memories. Our Red Horse Squadron constructed a 40-acre helicopter base in the Delta region of Vietnam. I like the Whop!, Whop!, Whop! Video
Nobody else does commercials like Volkswagen— except maybe Budweiser. Video
[More bleach in the gene pool] Patients treated for putting sunscreen in eyes during eclipse, report says. Link


I’m sorry I missed all the bird defects the FTR guy said would happen this summer — when they didn’t happen last summer.

This should chart at number 1 on the Country chart.  Midland is on fire! Their lead singer is also a super model and the rest of the boys are also easy on the eyes. Plus their new single is feel good.  I have Mark Wystrach fever!  Midland – Make A Little
[“Homemade yogurt”] Below is additional info on the yogurt strainer I bought on Amazon. It’s $12 off if you are Amazon Prime member. My review gives you some helpful tips. If you don’t have a pressure cooker I highly recommend the Instant Pot. I’m the top reviewer on the Duo60 9 in 1 on Amazon if you are looking for pros and cons.

The whey bread recipe is here. I use half white and half whole wheat flour. I use an iron skillet and mist bread with a water sprayer.  She also has an Indian Chapati bread that uses whey too. Whey bread

(Correction on my original post – that’s an 8 cup Pyrex bowl, not 4.) I have this yogurt process down to a science. Now that I strain it my husband even eats it. It is so much better when you can spoon vs drink! Holler if you have questions.

Sarah Palin’s defamation suit against The New York Times is dismissed. Link


[Parking] Smart growth strategies can help rural Keys communities like Marathon achieve their goals for growth and development while maintaining their distinctive rural character. However, Marathon does not have smart growth strategists.

[Plants] I find it so much better when people use popular names for plants and bugs rather that the stuffy Latin names. Latin names are only appropriate when speaking with elite members of bird or garden clubs. Other times you are just showing off.
I like the sound you make when you shut up.


The free Keys Energy Services’ 21st annual Energy Conservation calendars are now available. Well, whoop-dee-doo. The cost of printing the calendars is a waste of money. People seldom use calendars or phone books in the digital age. What a waste of money.

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius— and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. ~Economist E. F. Schumaker


I have as much trouble telling port from starboard as I do telling the difference between plaintiff and defendant.

My wife and I were talking about our relationship one evening.  I asked her if, in all the years of our marriage, she had ever been unfaithful..  She said,  “Well, yes.  But only the one time.  I said, When was that?”  She said,  “Remember when you wanted to join the men’s country club and you needed 20 votes to be accepted?”  That’s when the fight started
I read that there is a new alliance formed to help concerns of the keys towns further down from Big Pine, but not Big Pine. I congratulate those folks for doing something to improve quality of life in these Keys. Maybe Big Pine has one already, but I doubt it because I haven’t seen any changes or improvements. When entering Big Pine there is no welcome sign and nothing but black fences for a mile with go slow signs, then a stop light, go 1/2 mile and your done, not much to catch the eye, like a small town out west somewhere. I realize Big Pine is big beyond the highway and lots of folks live there. There are nice people at the big Vineyard Church who welcome everyone. So why isn’t Big Pine the coolest place to drive through? I don’t get it.

[High Fish] Human mood drugs end up in Great Lakes fish. Study finds Zoloft, Celexa, Prozac and Serafem in multiple Great Lakes fish species — possibly changing their behavior and impacting the ecosystem. You aren’t paying attention, if you’re not outraged. This will go good with the 3 – legged shrimp! Link

[Eclipse] Here’s a video through a telescope of the eclipse. Video
[Friday Joke] Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,’How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’  ~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store ,down town Pine Key
There is an 82% divorce rate among husbands and wives who own bars together.
[Hate is Good] Hate seems to be the latest craze to occupy the media and people’s minds, but hate is sometimes a good thing. It makes a person aware of their surroundings, their place in life and to keep their back to the wall. Hate is self-protecting and rejuvenates a stale mind set. Over doing hate is another topic, but that always leads to war. If we hate something we can if intelligent enough reason why we do, else join the masses of the mad and perish. Now try to figure out what is really going on behind the TV tube.
[Sewers] I see another nasty sewer leakage was reported on Big Pine. There is no telling how many of these are going to occur above and below ground when everyone is connected to the poorly designed system. I hope the folks that fell hook line and sinker into the ‘save the oceans-get rid of the septic tank’ propaganda will realize that they have been had by people who are experts at taking advantage of your gullibility. They made a bundle and we are left with a potential ocean polluting nightmare. You may want to be a little more careful when people tell you to “do it for the children” when what they mean is do it for their bank account.
United Way of the Florida Keys. September. Link
[International Coastal Cleanup Day] Saturday, Sept. 16th, 2017 is International Coastal Cleanup Day; in honor of that, the National Key Deer Refuge and our Friends group FAVOR is hosting a beach cleanup at Long Beach on Big Pine Key from 9:00 am-12:00 pm.  We are looking for volunteers to help clean this magnificent public beach area so it’ll be a beautiful place to walk, and safer for the Key deer, sea turtles, birds and other wildlife.  The Refuge will supply gloves and trash bags, and have water available.  Please bring your own refillable water bottle and appropriate clothes (no flip flops).  We’ll meet out on Long Beach Rd, near the Refuge gate (approx. half mile south of US1, on left side) at 9 a.m. In years past, our local community and visitors have made this event a huge success, we hope to see you all again this year.   For more information call Kristie Killam @ 305-304-9625 or email
[Development] Whose job is it to determine where development should or should not go to help a rural community (Marathon) encourage growth in town, where businesses can thrive on a drivable main street and families can live close to their daily destinations?
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