2017 September

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002
Published Tuesdays and Fridays. Letters to the editor with pictures.

Click here to send in a post or something. Contact Us



Bahia Honda beach is one of the loveliest beaches in the country and it’s right here on our doorstep! When’s the last time you were there?

[Hurricane Evacuation] Someone suggested we evacuate and make a vacation out of it. We have nowhere to go. We couldn’t vacation in a motel without being constantly worried about our home—no vacation at all. We’d still worry that we didn’t travel far enough away from the storm. No one knows where it will really go?

[Finally] Eating ice cream for breakfast may improve mental performance and alertness. I shake my head at a lot of the research reports that tell you something is bad for you, then a couple months later it’s good for you, then comes up with another “super food” that everyone runs out to buy.   This one I like. I knew if I lived long enough ice cream would be good for me. Link

It’s almost time to renew your library card. We’ll be happy to update and verify your account during your next visit to one of our libraries. We look forward to seeing you at the library. Here’s a link to library hours. Link

I still don’t know why we have to renew our cards every year in person when we never have to renew our credit cards that are a hell of a lot more valuable than a damned book!

[Tailgating Taken to New Heights] You’re in the right lane and the passing lane is open. There’s always that one butt head who has to tailgate you. Video



[$8 Rib Dinner!] Friday September 8th dinner at the Big Pine Moose Lodge. 1/2 Rack of Ribs, Homemade Potato Salad and Corn on the Cob, $8. Don’t miss out on a great meal at a great price. Dinner starts at 5:30.

[Museum of World War II] This website is very cool. Video
[Hurricane] Florida Keys National Wildlife Refuges Complex Closed. As of September 5, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has closed all facilities and trails and cancelled all planned programs in the Crocodile Lake National Wildlife Refuge on Key Largo, the National Key Deer Refuge on Big Pine Key and the Key West and Great White Heron National Wildlife Refuges in the lower Keys until further notice as a result of Hurricane Irma. Updates regarding re-openings will be announced through our website. Link

For more information, please contact Dan Clark at 305-872-2239 ext. 209 or Christine Ogura at 305-872-2239 ext. 226.

[Bad Fisherman] Jack Simon Jordaan a 61-year old Big Pine Key fisherman accused of threatening to kill two state wildlife officers who found over-the-limit hogfish southeast of the Marquesas Keys on a boat was arrested Wednesday. Saying to cops, “I’d like to put a bullet in both of your (expletive) heads.” Always gets you arrested. Jordaan  also threatened to kill himself.

Jack Simon Jordaan was charged with two counts of second-degree felony threatening a law enforcement officer, third-degree felony resisting arrest and first-degree misdemeanor resisting arrest. In total, Jordaan faces a maximum of 35 years in state prison if he is convicted at trial.




Why didn’t Houston evacuate.

Everyday is Labor Day in the delivery room!



Irma intensifies to category 5 hurricane. Link

Scotland has been named the most beautiful country in the world. Link
My wife and I were watching television and she had the remote. She kept flipping between a porn channel and a cooking show.  I said, “Just leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to cook.”  That’s when the fight started.
[Burn Remedy] Kudos to you for trying your hand at that crazy complicated recipe. But your over-enthusiasm got the best of you and you managed to get a serious burn. Whether it is a severe burn or a minor burn, it hurts like heck and the pain just won’t go away.
Step 1,  put the burned part of your body part under cool, running water. This will relieve some of the pain right away and will help to stop the progression of the burning.
Step 2 is probably the best, and least known remedy for throbbing pain from burns: ordinary mustard. There is something special (magic?) in everyday yellow mustard that quickly takes away the pain. Just spread a nice and thick layer of mustard over the area and go about your Iron Cheffing. You’ll find that the pain goes away almost immediately
[Remove Confederate statues out of the U.S. Capitol] In the wake of Charlottesville, black lawmakers are pushing to remove Confederate statues from federal property, including the U.S. Capitol. Link
Big Pine Key Winn Dixie’s Weekly Ad
[Texas Man Uses Massive Inflatable Dam to Save House] After Hurricane Wilma, my Geico magazine had a story of a KW man who used a huge blue tarp to drive his compact car unto, then put rope through the grommets, and tied the ropes together forming a package, which he tied to huge trees.   There was a photo of the blue tarp package floating on many feet of water.  He was one of the few people who still had a working car after the hurricane. Link
[Rednecks to the Rescue] Hundreds and hundreds of small boats pulled by countless pickups and SUVs from across the South are headed for Houston. Almost all of them driven by men. They’re using their own property, sacrificing their own time, spending their own money, and risking their own lives for one reason: to help total strangers in desperate need.
Most of them are by themselves. Most are dressed like the redneck duck hunters and bass fisherman they are. Many are veterans. Most are wearing well-used gimme-hats, t-shirts, and jeans; and there’s a preponderance of camo. These are The Quiet Ones. They don’t wear masks and tear down statues. They don’t, as a rule, march and demonstrate. And most have probably never been in a Whole Foods market. But they’ll spend the next several days wading in cold, dirty water; dodging gators and water moccasins and fire ants; eating whatever meager rations are available; and sleeping wherever they can in dirty, damp clothes. Their reward is the tears and the hugs and the smiles from the terrified people they help. They’ll deliver one boatload, and then go back for more.
When disaster strikes, it’s what men do. Real men. Heroic men. American men. And then they’ll knock back a few shots, or a few beers with like-minded men they’ve never met before, and talk about fish, or ten-point bucks, or the benefits of hollow-point ammo, or their F-150. And the next time they hear someone talk about “the patriarchy”, or “male privilege”, they’ll snort, turn off the TV and go to bed. In the meantime, they’ll likely be up again before dawn. To do it again. Until the helpless are rescued. And the work’s done. They’re unlikely to be reimbursed. There won’t be medals. They won’t care. They’re heroes. And its what heroes do.




Grasses at Bahia Honda.

Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of not knowing.
[Sewers] There was a posting on Friday’s Coconut Telegraph that claimed that Pigeon Key has two aerobic systems instead of a cess pit. Maybe, but probably not.  Whatever is there is certainly inadequate to meet the State mandate.

A BOCC resolution Nov 22, 2016 authorized an easement to FKAA to install an OWNRS aerobic system at Pigeon Key and at Veteran’s Park. These require power- with a limited supply being available at Pigeon Key. Since installation would require excavation equipment and construction materials to be barged in at considerable extra expense, it is very doubtful anything has happened yet.
According to website information, Pigeon Key offers accommodations for up to 75 people, plus all the day visitors (think of the art shows, etc).  How much wastewater treatment capacity is required? That is governed by 64E-6.008 of the FL Administrative Code. (page 15 at Link)

Depending how one applies that criteria gives widely variable requirements, but one or even two FKAA OWNR systems obviously cannot adequately treat that volume of wastewater. DOH would require a 60′ shallow injection well disposal in that location, so they may as well stick with a cess pit if they are not going to pump or suck the crap to central treatment.

Probably, a typical stepped vacuum main could be installed on the bridge railing and no power would be required of Pigeon key, or for less of our money, a STEP system could pump pre-treated septic tank effluent through a bridge pipe with a low power requirement from Pigeon Key.  Certainly, a high pressure grinder pump like used throughout the Cudjoe Regional could pump from Pigeon Key to the nearest onshore lift station with a bridge pipe, but high power capacity would be required, just like demanded from solar-powered homes on No Name Key. “King George” has proclaimed that he “trusts our engineers”, but it seems apparent that he needs to trust outside independent engineers that know what they are doing instead. Consultants are pre-authorized and pre-budgeted, so why are they not consulted? Because then the desired course would be found ridiculous?

Scam alert from the FL Dept of Health: Onsite sewage treatment and disposal systems (OSTDS), commonly referred to as septic systems, are a safe and effective means of wastewater disposal for 30 percent of Florida’s population.

We have been had!

[Sultan Babur 1483] Everything of his was orderly and well-arranged; no soldier or peasant could deviate in the slightest from any plan of his. He carried violence and vice to frantic excess, was a constant wine-bibber and kept many catamites [a boy or youth who is in a sexual relationship with a man].

There was a handsome boy he used by whatever means, to have him brought for a catamite; of his begs’ [Chief or Commander] sons and of his sons’ begs’ sons he made catamites; and laid command for this service on his very foster brothers and on their own brothers.

So common in his day was that vile practice, that no person was without his catamite; to keep one was thought a merit, not to keep one, a defect. Through his infamous violence and vice, his sons died in the day of their strength. He had a taste for poetry, but his verse is flat and insipid. He was not firm in the Faith. He had no heart and was somewhat scant in modesty—several of his impudent buffoons used to do their filthy and abominable acts in his full Court, in all men’s sight.

[Today’s Florida Keys] If the Coconut Telegraph, the Konk News, the Citizen and other media and blogs down here are depicting what the Keys have turned into, I am out of this sissified bent bunch of islands ASAP.




[Confederate Statue] Nathan Bedford Forrest stays in Tennessee Capitol, panel decides. A statue of the controversial Confederate general and KKK leader won’t be moved to the state museum. Link

[Spanglish word of the day] “Harassment” My wife caught me in bed with my girlfriend but I told her, harassment nothing to me.
Forgotten Felines of the Florida Keys will be hosting a “Whiskers & Wine” benefit for the organization on Sunday, September 10. The event will take place from 1-5 PM at Brutus Seafood, 6950 Overseas Highway in Marathon.  Included will be a silent auction, raffle, live music, snacks, and a cash bar from which all profits will go to support the organization. If you are unable to attend, but are interested in becoming a Forgotten Felines volunteer should call (305) 743-2520.


[Lightening] I’m sure somebody had to put on clean underwear. Video

[Sewer Hurricane Test] If that storm hits we will get a chance to see our top-notch sewer system in action. Get your fecal coli-form testing kits ready: it will hit the fan when all those cheap residential pumps fail, and the FKAA will want more money to fix it.  Save the children and save the oceans, but more importantly save the exec’s retirement funds.
[Tomb of the Unknowns] Guard gets stabbed when clumsy mate drops rifle. Video
Submit anything but National Politics to For National Politics go directly to that page, log in, and post your comment. NATIONAL POLITICS

national politics an(Click here)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *