2019 December

Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.

[Don’t Poke Fun of Suffering] Thank you for publishing my response to the question about the deer with a serious head wound. Another possibility is a trauma-related wound that is not infected. Any wound can have larvae (maggots) deposited from carrion (dead meat)-eating blow flies, however, New World Screwworm larvae (the bad ones) feed on living tissue.
I never stated, “feed on living tissue like zombies do”. I do not believe it is respectful to compare a situation that involves a dying, suffering animal with a “zombie” even when referring to a fly. Our group works very hard to discourage using derogatory terms when describing anything related to serious medical conditions.
Thank you very much for publishing these important corrections.
Valerie Preziosi
President, Save Our Key Deer

[Brass Monkey is For Sale] Marathon’s iconic dive bare is for sale. It’s located in the K-mart shopping center. Judy had run it for thirty years and says it’s time to leave the Keys. This is the end of an era and one of the last dive bars in the Keys. Coincidentally, the Green Parrot’s long time owner was named Judy too.

[Florida Bar Ethics Violations] Tackleberry[?] is toast. Thank you, Sheriff. And Dunne is done. Thank you State Attorney Dennis Ward. Next, let’s find out the truth about the FWC Captain who shot blindly into people’s floating homes and make paradise safe again. Link


Today is my birthday. It is the youngest I will ever be, and also, the oldest I have ever been.

[Flocks] Monday morning about fifty Ibis and Great White Herons flew from west towards the rising sun. I’d never seen Great White Herons flying with other birds. Did it portent a change in the weather or something? They flew by in three waves.


[Toilet Seat Up or Down] How many times a day does a female pee? I pee twice as much as her. So she is the one who should put the seat down. Better yet, a urinal (that brilliant idea was nixed when we built the house). Here’s the rule: If there’s a pregnant woman in the house—put the seat down. They pee a lot. If there’s a beer drinker there—put the seat up. They pee more.  It all depends on who pees more often.

[No-seeums] We must have GMO no-see-ums this year. It turns out that I am not alone in having a persistent itchy rash develop where no-see-ums have been feasting. And antibacterial doesn’t take care of it. But a fungicide like an athlete’s foot cream does. Just imagine the weapon potential of having nearly invisible flying hypodermics undeterred by window screens. As revealed by a 1975 Congressional investigation, the US military and CIA has used the Keys (plus Avon Park and Panama City) as a test site for mosquito disease transmission back when many radios still used vacuum tubes. Why limit the miniaturization to electronics?
[Cheapskate] My spouse saves every dollar she’s ever earned and won’t spend a dime of it. Me, I spend everything except my emergency savings. I know that it is better to live rich that to die rich.


[Self-Realization] I never had any adult guidance and never knew who I really was until I traveled alone to foreign countries. It was in one of these places I realized I could be whoever I wanted to be if I fabricated another persona, but I didn’t. No one knew me and, compared to them, I was rich enough to fool them if I choose. I found I should just be me. It may sound silly to you, but it was an important revelation for a young man.

Edgar Winter‘s White Trash — Save the Planet (1971)
[Evils of Vaping] Another vaping story/study. Is marijuana linked to psychosis, schizophrenia? I think vaping is the problem. “Roll another one, just like the other one.” Video



[Sago Palm Poison] I had not heard of palms being toxic until I learned that my friend lost her Golden Retriever to Sago palm poisoning. The dog liked to carry fronds around and that was apparently enough to kill. I just want to get the word out to other pet owners that may have a Sago in the yard. Link

[Mosquitoes] Have you been plagued by mosquitoes in your house as Christmas approaches? They breed furiously in the water that is often added to the tree holder! Put some cooking oil on the water to suffocate the larvae, or add some dish soap to destroy the surface tension of the water so the adults sink. I sometimes leave an open container of water in the yard with dish soap in it to create a mosquito trap where they were hoping to lay eggs. I hope PETA doesn’t come after me for cruelty to mosquito mothers.
Skype would be much more popular if it would “ring” even when your sound is off and if it had an answering machine feature that would be popular too.



[Idiots at Large] This is what it’s come to!

[Pores] I have a 5-foot wide flat panel tv that displays people’s heads three times actual size and shows the greasy pores on their faces. I don’t want to look at pimples and pores, yuk. They have gone too far with tv resolution. There’s no need to see pores. It must be hell for the makeup people.
[“Port Pine Heights Christmas party”] Don’t be so tight-assed. Are you guys afraid you’ll have to give away a few extra burgers? If so, let me know and I’ll send you ten bucks to cover them. I’ve learned that in public relations one “No” does more harm than a hundred “Yeses”.



[“Rotary Club meetings”] The Lower Keys Rotary meets at the Chamber of Commerce building at mile marker 31 on Big Pine Key. We meet on the first and third Fridays of the month. Due to the holidays, we won’t be having another meeting until the first Friday in January. Come on out and join us we’d love to see you. Full Menu > Ongoing Events

[Bluetooth Danger] Apps will track Bluetooth signals, telling thieves exactly what’s in your car and where to find it. Link
[Pot vs Booze] Five guys drinking booze will start a fight.  Five guys smoking pot will order pizza and start a band.


[“Keys seem to be turned off.”] You visited  last month and left early because it seems there’s no life left down here. And that’s a bad thing? So you went back to Texas. Hmmm. Please stay there and enjoy the oil stained beaches.

[Navy Housing] Military families say base housing is plagued by mold and neglect. The private corporations that control almost all family housing on American military bases have every incentive to skimp on maintenance, critics say. Link
[Racial Joke] Now it’s Jay Leno’s turn to get spanked by some nitwits about him making a so-called joke about race. If I was Leno I’d say, “Come On Down and we’ll talk about it, sucker.” Smack! Enough of these people gouging the rich for easy money. Where does it say they can’t be arrested for treason or false accusation?



[Lil’ Kim & Rudolf] Well this can’t be good. Lil’ Kim sending out Christmas cards.

[Disgruntled Tourist] “What’s happening the Keys seem to be turned off.”  What happened was they didn’t build a wall in the Keys and we got overrun with northerners. What was a turned-on fun place to live has become islands of dullards who don’t dive – they drink and eat. Sadly, Florida has lost it’s luster for me, sadly for you too, I’m thinking about Texas. The idea of acreage with a wall around it is very enticing.