2017 June

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[Idea of the Day] They should put washers and dryers in the hospital emergency room so you can do something useful while you wait.

[FTR on Term Limits] I thank whoever made the comments in last Tuesdays Coco Tele concerning term limits and the Bug Board.  I appreciate the thought, but the credit, all of it, goes to the Bug Board members. They didn’t have to do what they did.  They could have rejected term limits.  But they did not.  It is powerful evidence of their commitment to good government.  The vote was unanimous in favor of term limiting membership on the board to 3 four year terms. Special credit is due to the board Chairman, Phil Goodman.  Several years ago Mr. Goodman attempted to adopt term limits, but then, long term incumbents beat it down.  Mr. Goodman is a true public servant, a tip of this Olde Fart’s Fedora goes out to him. Let’s hope that other elected policy making officials take notice, let’s hope that term limits finally come to all of Monroe County.  You can be sure that advocating for term limits will earn any candidate lot’sa votes.  Mine included.
[“Road Prison property should be used for affordable housing”] Some people never learn. Down here the “affordable housing” designation allows developers to build a few units that meet the affordable criteria and a bunch more units that are expensive as hell. Developers in KW have been doing that for years. The concept for affordable housing is a noble one, but as with most government-driven programs, people find a way to get around the rules. I say make the place into a cool bar and call it “Jailhouse on the Rock.”

One thing about driving a Rolls is that they’re pleased to see you anywhere. ~ Alfie (1966)

[Stand Your Ground Law in Trouble] The burden of whether defendants are immune from prosecution now falls on the State Attorney’s Office. That burden had formerly fallen on defendants to prove why they shouldn’t be prosecuted. That alone was a big shift in the legal paradigm of an already controversial law.



Private Jimi Hendrix.

George Carlin. Three minutes on the American Dream. Video


[Beliefs in Brief] Christians believe in love and peace.
Buddhists believe in contentment and balance.
Hindus believe in separation from possessions and passions.

The French invaded Vietnam in 1858 and it was all downhill from there. But they did teach those in “Indo-China” to make good bread and good coffee.
[Milk] Can you imagine what the world would have been like if breast milk was 80 proof Scotch? Wow!

balanced diet means a taco in each hand.

[Fancy Mosquito Control] Buggers to release 25,000 mosquitoes three times a week in Stock Island trial. The mosquitoes are infected with a naturally-occurring bacterium called wolbachia. When a wolbachia-infected male mates with a wild female Aedes aegypti, the resulting eggs do not hatch. Male mosquitoes do not bite.
[Total Solar Eclipse] This August, the U.S. will experience its first coast-to-coast total solar eclipse in 99 years. The path of totality on Aug. 21 — where day briefly becomes night — will pass over Oregon, continuing through the heartland all the way to Charleston, South Carolina. Those on the outskirts — all the way into Canada
[Skyscraper Fire] The government has so far collected 34 samples of external cladding — panels widely used to insulate buildings and improve their appearance — and all failed a “combustibility test.” Authorities found that all samples tested so far have failed fire safety. Standards. London, officials are trying to avoid another fire disaster after the fast-moving blaze killed at least 79 people at Grenfell Tower last week.




[Sex Scandal] How to tell if your dog has been involved in a sex scandal.

You don’t realize how old and out of shape you are until you try to cut your toe nails.
[Funny Man] Ricky Gervais will know science failed him if he ever meets the devil. Video




Stalin killed more than 42,000 priests. More than 85,000 Orthodox priests were shot in 1937 alone.

Uber is coming to Key West July 1st! First ride free up to $20. Be an Uber driver. Link
[Deer Doctor] My “thing” smells funny no matter how much I wash it.

Deer Smelly,
There is a new yeast infection from hell out there: Candida auris. It was first documented in Japan in 2009. As of mid May 2017, 77 people in the US were confirmed to have it, and 30 to 60% died from it. (if you are sick with something else, it may be uncertain which killed you) It is a “superbug” resistant to most anti-fungal treatments and if it enters your bloodstream you can be infected throughout. Antibiotics help it thrive. So far, it’s not a statistically high risk, but neither was Zika and look at the panic that caused.

Losers only post negative comments and seldom praise anyone who is doing better than them.
[New Life For Batteries] My step-dad got conned by an internet scam promising he could easily revive batteries at home with no skills or special equipment. Plenty of people fall for it. Here are the details of the scam explained. Link

I have tried battery reconditioning using some of the methods that are available. The result is usually low voltage or unreliable, but it depends on the reason for the initial failure. There are electrical circuits available specifically made for car battery revival, and some high end chargers incorporate them. It amounts to forcing Sulphur off the plates. Acid replacement can work in some cases.

Ryobi standard non-lithium tool batteries can be forced to take a charge by repeatedly surging them with their charger by plugging the charger into a switch controlled receptacle and flicking the switch off and on until the charging light comes on. Sometimes they charge to as-new capacity. I don’t know why it works, but it often does, so thanks to the guy on YouTube who provided it.

For the old carbon zinc batteries, I used to revive them by heating them in a low heat oven. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Too high, and they melt or could explode. You can extract a few lives that way. I think that one may have come from Mother Earth News’ helpful advice for impoverished hippies.

For flashlights using “lantern batteries”, I used to have replacement bulbs of progressively lower voltage rating and got multiple life spans from a battery by adjusting the bulb to what was available from the battery. That one is my own trick. I could then heat it gently in the oven and start over at 6 volts like a new battery and using the original bulb. It helps to have a meter for determining voltage, but brightness of the bulb will tell you if its time to switch to a lower voltage bulb. Too soon and you could burn out the new bulb. The initial voltage of the battery is a little higher than when under load.

The new alkaline batteries often leak before the expiry date, so I would not even consider trying to extend their life. I have had whole packages leak before the package was opened, and still long before the labeled expiry date!

I now buy name brand disposable batteries, usually Duracell, and at times direct from China where everything is made anyway, in bulk on eBay for a small fraction of their cost in the store. I am happy with that solution to high battery costs.

[Suer Insurance] Where can I buy insurance in case I get sued? It seems everybody is out to get us with lawyers!
[Newspaper Delivery Person Caught Stealing Mail] A Summerland Key woman was caught stealing mail from mailboxes on Big Torch Key early Thursday. A man who lives on Dorn Road, Big Torch Key called the Sheriff’s Office because he said someone had been taking mail from his mailbox at the entrance to his property. He said he was planning to send a birthday card with cash in it to his daughter in Virginia, but was afraid it would be stolen.

Detectives David Cruz and Spencer Curry called the man and made a plan to catch the suspect in the act. At 12:30 a.m., the detectives responded to the man’s home. They had him put the piece of mail in the mailbox. They then installed a trail camera near the mailbox, and parked a short distance away in an unmarked Sheriff’s Office car to watch the mailbox.

Shortly after 1 a.m., a vehicle pulled up. When it pulled away, the detectives checked the mailbox and the card was gone. There was also a Key West Citizen newspaper newly delivered, hanging on the mailbox door. The detectives stopped the vehicle, which was driven by 59 year old Jill Hish. The card was in the car, sitting on the top of a pile of newspapers. It had been ripped open. Hish was issued a notice to appear in court on theft charges. The U.S. Postmaster’s Office will be notified of the incident in case they wish to investigate further.

[Center for Disease Control] Why does FTR keep quoting CDC numbers from 2016? Is he having trouble finding the newest (18 mos. Newer) stats from the CDC? To quote the CDC, “The numbers quoted then (up to 13%) were an educated guess, based on one village in French Polynesia. More recent data, says the CDC, is between 3 and 4% for Brazil and the U.S.”  “What’s more,” says the CDC, “Florida is no longer an active transmission zone” I’m happy to clear that up, You can put away your foil hat now. There is this thing called Google, check it out. It has saved me many times from looking stupid–not always, but many times
[Sewers] This was forwarded from an anonymous engineer to a Cudjoe resident after reading a Coconut Telegraph sewer posting (with slight family-friendly editing): If you only knew, brother, there is no way in hell this half ass system could work. Take it from someone who has had to make the ‘abortions’ on paper work in the real world–this cannot and will not. The terrain and the distances will not allow it to. It did not work in Miami and it will not work in the Keys. You first need to have real world data to be able to calculate flow rates, and this is something that does not exist there. Unrealistico


[“That’s when the fight started”] Please keep submitting your jokes. When I read them, I truly laugh out loud!

[“Drunken work force”] I think if you are already closely involved with them and their problem, there are methods that will help you get your emotions settled down and untangled from reacting to everything they are doing.   Some of the things we react to are when the alcoholic lies, break engagements or plans, and do things to push our emotional buttons.

What are those methods?  Who cares — they are drinking themselves to death and that’s their choice.  Sounds harsh?  Toughen up.

[Scam Alert]  If you buy products from Amazon and receive an e-mail message that says “Your Amazon account has been suspended” do not reply to the message in any way.  The scam will ask for personal information and “Payment Method.”  Your credit card will be hit hard!



[Masturbation, the art of self-pleasuring] (The most read article in the Florida Keys!) “Masturbation is a normal part of sexual life for most people. But you may be worrying about possible health risks. You do run the risk of bruises and swelling due to extreme and rough masturbation. However, if it is bordering on or has turned into an addiction, it could ruin relationships and cause emotional effects on yourself and others.”

[Good Food] It’s so much fun watching the ebb and flow of these restaurants that come and go. The best restaurant around does not have cheap taco or shrimp night.
Anyone that says that sharks are on  the decline has not spent any real time on the water. Also anyone who believes that 10 to 14 foot sharks are “juveniles” or sub-adults does not know much about the vast majority of shark species.
What a jet contrail looks like from above. Airbus A380 Contrail as seen from KLM Cockpit Boeing B747-400. It’s leaving a con-trail of con-spiracy theorists. Video
[FKAA] From, Eugene E. Nanay Jr. 30-year resident, wounded warrior, and retired sr. contract field rep. for the FKAA. Civil Engineering degree working in the field of inspecting large civil construction projects, nuclear power plants, tunnels under the City of Chicago, roads, bridges, pipelines, coal mines, super high voltage power lines. That’s my background.

I mentioned my position with the FKAA, and in reading, interviewing & unofficially inspecting the work in process it is obvious that your editorial policies only follow the government propaganda (out right lies, distortions, fictional numbers).

Tom Walker’s 40% of water thru the water meter is used for irrigation except possibly for a few business properties like Boondocks is so full of crap it was pulled out of his butt. How can I say that? Because when I worked for the FKAA I was paid to pull numbers out of my butt. I was paid to adapt information to the needs of my boss at that time. I was paid to ignore that a 12″ Sub-standard ductile iron pipe was buried with only 15″ of cover (specs mandated no less than 24″) in front of what was PT’s and the city garage on Carolina & Green Sts. Or about a conflict between a new water main and existing sewer Caroline & Peacon Ln. Where statues mandated the water main be encased in concrete for 10′ on either side.

How about the County/FKAA attempting to use 1 of the 2 plastic water pipes laying on top of the flats between Big Munson Island, Hopkins Island, Cooks Island, and Long Beach Rd to run raw sewage from the Little Palm Resort. Anyone who’s been here for awhile knows that those pipes have been run over and broken by boaters trying to run the flats.

Why didn’t the FKAA not install the mandated protective steel casing in the over 5000′ Niles Channel bore hole and instead dragged that rubberized plastic thru a rough jagged bore hole? Why is the FKAA unable to get a pressure test that the pipe manufacture required? Why is that Niles Channel pipe leaking and where is the raw sewage going? Heavy rains cause excessive inflow and intrusion to the system which will overload the plant.




The doctor told me to eat more vegetables.  I now put two sticks of celery in my Bloody Marys.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.  ~President James Garfield



[Mote Marine] There’s noting wrong with beach towels hanging off the railings at the ugly new Mote Marine building on Summerland Key. It’s the only thing about the building that looks Keysie. It’s embarrassing that there uptight people living here who find the towels drying outside distressing. They just don’t get it, do they?

[Guns] “Open carry” when on foot in a public area is generally illegal, but is permitted in certain circumstances, as defined by Florida statute 790.25(3). For example, open carry is permitted while hunting, fishing, camping, gun shows, or while shooting, and while going to and from such activities. Video

[Generators] Replace your noisy, stinky, unreliable generator with the Goal Zero Yeti 1400 Lithium Portable Power. It always starts, runs noiselessly, produces no fumes, uses no gasoline and only weighs 45 pounds.  Always maximum power. You couldn’t ask for more, except a cheaper price than the $2000 asked for. Video

[Health] Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.




Modern times’ Summer’s day at the beach.

[Why Sharks Matter] Why we should care about sharks, and why they are so important to the health of our oceans. Video


I am 82 years old and have 100 bottles of Viagra. Where can I donate them for a tax write off?

I never realized how many druggies there are in the Keys. It seems at least half the population is doing something! What happened to the good old get drunk and party in the bars gig

[Free Moving Boxes] Come and get em! Wardrobe, large, medium and small. We have a bunch all broke down. We are on George Road, BPK. Call/text Bo 727-902-3546

[“Palm tree mechanic”] Please don’t describe this guy as a “mechanic”. He is what we call a “jacker” in the business
[Muslim Problem in 1887 Africa] It must be remembered that in all these engagements in the Sudan no quarter on either side has been given, so it must not be expected that the Sudan troops will give it now if you come. With respect to the wounded Arabs, if you go and help them, they will (like the Afghans) try and kill you. They are very treacherous and, worked up by religious frenzy, they think that you only pretend to help them, in order to kill them afterwards



Sadly, human bowling is discouraged on escalators.

[Warning from Police] This is the thing these days, with people out of work and needing cash (mainly for drugs!). Beware, it’s headed your way. Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car. When I got home and took it off, it was a receipt for gas. Luckily my friend had told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the car.

Then we received this email yesterday: warning from police: this applies to both women and men. beware of a piece of paper on the back window of your vehicle (a new way to do carjacking!)(not a joke!)

Heads up everyone. You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into reverse. When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car. So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised. If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away and remove the paper later.  ~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store



Eccentric yet amazing body art done by a 19-year-old Japanese girl. This is so well-done it’s almost creepy. Link

[Sewers] I have an uncle who built several very large sewage plants in very large cities, and he says this fiasco in the Keys is nothing but a scam to get money from the Federal Government and make a few people rich. The design will not work and the costs of redesigning and rebuilding what has be installed will be big. It would be better to destroy all that junk and start over after arresting the culprits and getting your money back from their deep pockets.
The new Walmart on Rockland Key wants to put a light there on US1. I don’t like it. Traffic is just speeding up when heading west, why should we slow it down adding more time to get to back and forth to Key West? I agree that is the best solution for the impact that major development will have on traffic, but I don’t like it.

Folks should realize that the development will be a small town with 300 units of housing, shops, a gas station, theater, Walmart, medical center, and a restaurant or two. Welcome to Walmartown. Eat your heart out Searstown!

[TV88 Marathon] National Night Out 2016. Video
[Bounty on Renters] With all the rhetoric about tolls and traffic the answer is right in front of them. Go after the illegal weekly renters. Traffic will be reduced by at least 50%. All the crap thrown along US1 and on our streets, and in the canals by weekly renter drops by 75%. The fines against all those renting illegally will probably pay for the solution. What an idea! Put a descent bounty on the offenders and most of the work will be done for you.
The race to save Florida’s devastated coral reef from global warming. The Paris climate agreement is a key factor in preventing further damage to the ecosystem, and the tourism and seafood industries dependent on it. Link
[“Another one who brought down his New Somewhere Else ways with him”] Hey Bro, I is from here, BPK to be exact. and that mo’fo next to me is too. So don’t be hacking that ignorant crap on my freggin’ head, you redneck AH!

[Disappointed With Hookers] Prostitution is ‘legal’ in Key West because it is not a for-profit business. After the customer finds out what the hooker is about, they pay them to leave, not for sex!

[“Lousy, lazy and drunken work force”] I have hired a few of these types and even given some of them a second chance. Even given a few a third chance. They don’t change. They are still lousy, lazy drunks. And some are even thieves. And a lot of the employers are no better! I work my tail off and bring real skills to the table wherever I go, but the so-called foreman are no better than the shitheads I can’t tolerate. You know who you are




The family that recycles together, stays together[?].

DEF: Adoption n. Rearing a Reject
DEF: Pregnant n. Welfare insurance
DEF: Sterilization n. Cleaning the swamp
DEF: War n. a chess game for real
DEF: Religion n. the art of war from afar
DEF: Transgender n. Step 1 of culling
DEF: Fusion n. what made Earth go POOF
DEF: Alien n. a space creature with a cook book
[Sewers] Well it looks like the poop will hit the fan and, just maybe, some of the low lives that pulled off the biggest con game in the Keys with this sewer scheme are being investigated for fraud and mismanagement of county and state funds. Is this true?
[The Kindness Rocks Project] Unity is strength. When there is teamwork and collaboration wonderful things can be achieved. This statement sums up #thekindnessrocksproject and it was written by a little boy named Matthew Joseph Thaddeus Stepanek (July 17, 1990 – June 22, 2004), known as Mattie J.T. Stepanek, he was an American poet (or as he wanted to be remembered as a poet, a peacemaker, and a philosopher who played. Before his death (at the age of 13) he had become known as a peace advocate and motivational speaker. His life was short, his legacy infinite. The story begins with a heart shaped piece of coral; and a piece of sea glass shaped like a heart…  Video
You can always tell a doctor’s receptionist is his girl friend or wife because it takes a half hour for them to figure out what the hell an appointment is!

You don’t want to miss Coconuts Happy Hour, downtown Big Pine Key. The best drinks with the best prices in the Keys. ~The “NUT”

[Leaving the Keys] “Let the exodus begin.” It already has, and I’m right behind you. I’ve had enough. When there’s more Thailand shrimp on the menus than conch fritters it’s time to go. Good luck to Tonio’s he sells bang-bang shrimp at his place in Avalon, NJ. Another small fortune about to be made in the Fl Keys![?]



Weed-wacker outboard in KW.

[Coping With An Alcoholic] Here’s the best tip I can give you for coping with an alcoholic: Never argue with a drunk. There’s no point in trying to have a rational conversation with them when they have been drinking. It is pointless to argue with anyone, period.  Just fire them and move onto to another employee.
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