2020 March

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.

[Antlers] When deer lose their antlers – Interesting fact from Save Our Key Deer, Inc.: Although all hunters and deer enthusiasts are well aware that Key deer bucks shed their antlers annually (and that time is now), our recent post on local Facebook pages reveals that many folks are not aware that deer (and elk, moose, caribou, etc.) shed their antlers regularly. So here’s “Antler-shedding – 101”:

Short attentions span summary: Animals with antlers shed them each year. Bucks drop their racks from late December in the North through March and April in the South. Reasons for this are not scientifically proven but range from ability to repair old antler damage to keeping up with the buck’s increasing size. A buck who just lost his antler will bleed from the pedicle (sometimes heavily) for a short while. There is no need for alarm.

More facts: after the rut, decreasing testosterone levels cause an “abscission layer” to form between the antlers and their pedicles. As the connective tissue dissolves, the bucks’ antlers become loose and fall off. It was once believed that bucks withdrew to a secluded place to shed their antlers—away from does and rival bucks—thus avoiding a public loss of virility. Today’s top biologists nix that idea, saying deer are probably unaware of when and where they’ll lose their headgear. Most older bucks shed antlers earlier than younger bucks do. The specific time a buck will shed his antlers might be determined heavily by his individual antler cycle. This is independent of other bucks’ cycles and is probably centered on birth date.

As noted above, there can be a lot of initial bleeding of the pedicle after the antler comes off. (Lasts 1-2 hours) Last year SOKD got a distress call from a concerned citizen that thought someone had violently sawed-off a buck’s antlers.  Fortunately, that was not the case. New antlers begin to grow almost immediately.

[Self-Promoting] I’ve been getting email from politicians saying how they are working hard to help with this Coronavirus crisis. How they think they are helping amazes me. All they worry about is businesses first, money (they want to print more paper), public opinions, and politics, but I have not seen one serious mention of food, water, medical, and police/military safety programs. I have lost all respect for such people. Just wait until the electric goes off and the water and fuel stop. Then we will know what horrors will come.
[Junkie President] If you had a junkie president and a junkie head of the air force would you feel better? That’s what the Nazis had in Germany. Goring was always grooving on morphine and Hitler was a meth addict and delusional. He’d shoot up every morning as soon as he got up and for the rest of the day he’d meth pills. No wonder the Nazis were so f**ked up. There’s a tell all book, Blitzed – which reveals the astonishing and hitherto largely untold story of the Third Reich’s relationship with drugs, including cocaine, heroin, morphine and, above all, methamphetamines (aka crystal meth), and of their effect not only on Hitler’s final days – the Führer, by Ohler’s account, was an absolute junkie with ruined veins by the time he retreated to the last of his bunkers. You’d have to be drugged out to kill 6 million people without a reason. Link
[Flu Hysteria] Am I the only one that sees a problem with this flu hysteria?  I certainly hope not.  Here’s just a few things that don’t add up.
1. A week ago we were hearing that the test for the virus wasn’t available.  Now, they’re saying that there’s 373,885 cases world wide.  How did they get 373,885 tests to verify that when every country has been practically closed down and no one is able to go to work?  Are the factories making the tests totally automated?  Or, is it just magic?
2. We are on the verge of martial law because of the panic over a virus that so far has only killed 0.0001948052% of the world’s population.  If that count increases 100-fold, that’s still only 0.01948052%.  I know math is tough, but really?
3. We were told that the virus is mostly affecting older people and people with compromised immune systems. That’s true of any virus.  Since the spring breakers weren’t persuaded by the media scare tactics, we’re now hearing that it’s  also affecting younger people.  Coincidence? Are most people just too lazy to think for themselves and allow the media to do their thinking for them?  That’s far more dangerous that any virus.



I propose that due to the stress cause by the virus that we change the “5 o’clock somewhere” drinking rule to 12 noon.

[“Tiny house off Quail Roost Road”] This is the start of the trash housing that will kill off the Keys 100%. If you want to live in paradise, don’t let these low rent greedy developers do this.
Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly. Next week we’ll progress to people using turn signals.


[TP Substitutes] I wonder how the sewer system is going to handle all of those paper towels flushed into the system. I am guessing not very well. The grunt will be wearing paper towel hats out on the reefs.

How long is this social distancing supposed to last?  My wife hasn’t been getting back into the house for a week so far.

[First Keys Corona Virus Victim] Trust me, the last thing I expected to hear from my wife when I asked her to please refill my circa 2007 Boondock’s beer huggie with a cold Corona was “WTF”.  I looked over at her and realized she was holding the zipper in one hand and my beer and huggie in the other.  We have been good citizens and distancing ourselves from everyone and using bleach-free wipes (and not flushing them in the toilet) but still my beer huggie took the hit from one to many Coronas. I am finally coming to understand that this truly is a national crisis.

[Sick Game] The situation is not laughable, but we need a lot of laughs to keep sane. Play this sick game with your friends–keeping 6 ft. apart. It’s silly & a bit juvenile, but it  gave several of us some really big belly laughs, feeding off one another.
Think of the name of a movie. Then substitute ‘Toilet paper’ for the last word.
For instance, to get you started.
Gone with the Toilet Paper
Saving Private Toilet Paper
The Wizard of Toilet Paper
Singin’ in the Toilet paper
All the President’s Toilet Paper
Hey, what’s this button do? Video


Please support our Cafés and diners on Big Pine.  They are struggling to stay open to continue to provide takeout meals for the community.  They have been here for us.  Now it’s time for us to be there for them.

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else has clothes on!
Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. The country singer-songwriter and actor “passed away peacefully at home” in Sandy Springs, Georgia, “from natural causes under the care of hospice and surrounded by his family” at 10:25 p.m. on Friday.

Someone Must Feel Like a Fool Tonight by Kenny Rogers. This song was always the last song played when we danced social dances in BPK.

[Hoarding] One morning in 2053 John woke and went to the bathroom to take care of his morning business. When he finished, he opened the last roll of toilet paper his mother bought back in 2020 during the Coronavirus scare.
[Free Money] United Way of the Florida Keys announces up to $100,000 to serve hard-working,paycheck to paycheck residents in the Keys who are affected by COVID-19’s economic consequences. Recognizing that an immediate response was needed, United Way of the Florida Keys’ Board of Directors allocated these funds to begin to meet the urgent community needs that are arising as a result of the pandemic.

$10,000 is being disbursed for immediate use by Florida Keys Outreach Coalition, Keys Area interdenominational Resources, Burton Memorial Church and Star of the Sea Foundation to expand the capacity of their food pantries throughout the county.

$10,000 is being disbursed to Keys Area Interdenominational Resources and Florida Keys Outreach Coalition to increase short-term emergency financial assistance available to Monroe County residents with documented loss of income. Limited assistance will be for critical needs including food, prescriptions, medical expenses and childcare.

Up to $80,000 in additional funds will be available for distribution over the next 6 months as events and needs unfold, to present or future UWFK partner agencies. The process for these distributions has not yet been determined, pending circumstances.

Residents needing assistance should contact the agencies directly or visit for updates on distribution methods.


[End Run] I don’t know whey anyone would want a laxative when there’s no toilet paper?

[Captain Doom and Gloom] Just checking on the death count for the Mexican Beer Virus and it seems to be 0.0011818 percent of the population? Has humanity lost their collective minds? Is this the beginning of doom? There has been worse calamities facing mankind in the past and somehow humans have struggled through. Have humans bred the ability of individual survival. Are we dependent for government assistance? Have we lost the ability of rational thought? Have we become nothing more than herd animals? There’s no hope. You’re a fluke of the Universe and the universe is laughing behind your back. Give up.



[Social Distancing] Every man is an island. Stay safe Florida Keys island dwellers. Stay home, don’t roam.

Fake Flu Headlines to stir up the masses.
“Can You Eat your Dead?”
“Three Ways to Tell if Your Yard Man is  a Zombie”
“Does Farting Spread the Virus?”
“Is that grouper you ordered really tilapia and is it from China?” (That one may be true, who knows?)



I read that zombies have taken over Key Largo and to watch for them in your neighborhood. The concern is that it is difficult to differentiate between a real zombie and some snowbirds. Is there a good way to tell the difference?

[The Media] Do you suppose that the media and social networks are causing us to overact to the Mexican Beer virus? There is insanity out there. People are being driven to irrational behavior as illustrated in the empty shelves at the grocery stores and the stock market crashing, the military being called out. The only thing on the news is the virus, spring break being cancelled, the hotels in Key West are closing Monday (unthinkable), bars and restaurants closed.  Panic. I’m 80-years old type A+ blood and I’ve been informed that I’m the most at risk to catch it. That’s life. Sometimes you’re the statue and sometimes the pigeon


[Social Distancing] Now that the tourists are (almost) gone, let’s all get together and be intelligent to restrict the Corona-V spread. As the attached photo shows, even our Key deer friends are in on the rules and are strictly observing social distancing.

Songs for social distancing. Video
[Give Blood] The Big Red Bus will be at Bealle’s on Thursday, March 26th from 10-2. Blood is in short supply and if you feel well and are eligible your donation would be much appreciated by someone in need. For safety precautions donors are kept separate upon arrival by chairs on the outside with a limited number entering to answer questions and donate. Protocols are in place for disinfecting the beds and surface areas.
[Taking All The Precautions] They drove us mad with Corona. We have become crazy. I went to the bathroom in a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I turned on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when I returned to my table, I realized I forgot to pull up my pants!


I just read where the sex doll companies are encouraging people to buy their product while in self isolation. I just tried ordering one, but all the good ones were sold out. They do however have a surplus of Jersey girl and goat dolls. Link

[Conspiracy Theory] This is the reason for the current mess we are in. You choose to believe the Chinese Govt, but not our own intelligence services. The Chinese are responsible for the virus and are now trying to diminish their culpability. You also choose to believe the Chinese over our own scientific experts. Get your head out of the ignorance bubble.
Deer Ed, 8 people are dead in Michigan already. Stay safe down there. Good luck to you and yours!
Social distancing has been a hobby of mine for years.

[Global Warming] The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer, and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot. Reports from fishermen, seal hunters, and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable. ~Associated Press report published in The Washington Post on Nov. 2, 1922

A new study revealed COVID-19 is even more contagious than doctors originally thought. If a person with the virus delivers supplies to your home, you could contract COVID-19 from the package’s cardboard or plastic surface. If they touch your steel door or even your doorbell, you’re at risk.
Arrange for the company to deliver your items without contact.
Put a pair of gloves on to protect your hands.
Spray the package with disinfectant before taking it inside.
Use a disinfectant wipe on any surface the delivery person touched.
Throw the gloves in the trash.
Wash and dry your hands after your items are in your home.



Here’s the newest profitable crop.

When considering the virus hype statistics on mainstream media, consider the percentages. Italy is the poster child for viral fear at the moment, but with under 60,000 infections in a population of over 60,000,000, that is 1/10 of one percent infection rate. Most infections are mild, and the vast majority of the infected heal, with a worldwide death rate out of those infected remaining at about 2%. The vast majority of Covid-19 deaths in Italy were over 80 years old with preexisting health issues. The overall death threat in Italy is then about 1/50 of 1%. As of March 20, there were 273 deaths attributed to covid-19 in the US. Now consider that every year, about 3.000 people in the US are hospitalized from tripping over laundry baskets. Wearing a mask won’t help with that, but the laundry accident can still make you unemployed and missing your payments.



[C19 Babies] 10 months from now there will be a baby boom called the C 19 babies. Top baby names will be Charmin, Angel, and Scott.

Due to the Corona virus we need to stay 6″ apart at all times
[Conspiracy] Watching this just a few weeks ago you might have been convinced that the guy in this video had a selection of tinfoil fedoras in his closet. Now that you see the economy being destroyed over a paper tiger, you might be convinced he’s a prophet. But he might have been just paying attention while most people were glued to the TV. “The Truth Behind Corona Virus” Video
[Some Good From This] The only good thing to come of the Covid-19 overreaction is that my email spam and telephone marketing calls have both gone way down.