2019 March

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Letters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.



[Pee For Sale] Have you seen this post on Craigslist? How innovative.  I think it’s great. “Clean urine $30 (Key West). Non drug user’s clean urine. Guaranteed. About me: Male: 47, Race: White Caucasian, Super daily hygiene regimen.
$30 cash, no trades, no funny stuff. Will meet up at public location and exchange container full of clean urine for $30 in hand. Cash only, $30 firm. I can deliver between the hours of 11am – 11 pm 7 days a week.

Climate change is generational. Young people have been aware of it since birth and constantly wonder why the old people don’t do anything about it. Old people have been in denial of it since they fell in love with coal. The real national emergency is climate change not immigration. President Nixon should have declared a national emergency over climate change in 1970.

Ungulates (hoofed animals) see only two colors, yellow and blue. Avoid those hues when hunting the Key deer.

[“Yard sales”] My neighbor put out an old table with stuff on it and a large Jar with a sign reading LEAVE MONEY. Some creep took the table and jar but left the debris. Nice people for March Madness, eh?


Good Health Clinic is trading in the Hula Girls for Leprechauns. Come join us for an evening of green beer celebrating Good Health Clinic and the amazing community we live in. Feast, drinks, silent auction, entertainment and the Big Kahuna Award ceremony! 2019 Kahuna contestants:Tom Morrison, Mariners Hospital, Walt Stephens, FKEC, Alina Davis, Coldwell Banker Schmitt Real Estate Co. , Keys Weekly Newspaper (a newspaper with so much personality, it’s running for Big Kahuna)

Don’t forget you can buy tickets online and choose the Kahuna contestant you want to support. They are all winners, but only one will be the Big Kahuna!

[“Restrict who’s living here”] Monroe County is some of the priciest real estate in Florida – it’s a self restricting county. The house i paid $175K for in 1985 recently sold for $750,000. That’s restrictive to most
Thanks to all the CT complaints about Keys dentist, I now see the reason for so many dentally-challenged people down here. Now I need to search for a logical reason why so many chain smoke and drink to excess?


If I was a plastic surgeon I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

Don’t let someone else dim your light, simply because it’s was shining in their eyes.
What’s the difference between a divorce in Arkansas and a tornado in Georgia? Ans: Somebody is fixing to lose a trailer.


University of Michigan researchers discover huge tarantula preying on opossum. Michigan researchers believe this is the first time a tarantula was ever recorded preying on an opossum. It’s a jungle out there! Link

My wife keeps saying that old saying “A man’s heart is through his stomach!” Maybe that’s why she cooks so bad like she does!
[Mullet Wrapper] Our local newspaper is now twice the price it used to be. The ads are the same crap but the news is about zero anymore. I’m dropping my subscription ASAP!
[Long-Term Parking] Some people left their car in the long-term parking at San Jose while away, and someone broke into the car. Using the information on the car’s registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the people’s home in Pebble Beach and robbed it. I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we should not leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor our remote garage door opener.
Coconuts has better food then the Tiki. Oh wait, Coconuts doesn’t serve food!
[Sheriff’s Office Accomplished & Creative] A confluence of humanity, motorized vehicles and bicycles converged upon Key Largo at its Northern border adjacent Jewfish Creek Bridge and County Rode 905, at Mile Marker 106 on US 1. A charity ride aimed at developing a cure for Multiple Sclerosis was holding its annual “MS Bicycle Ride”. This popular event had registered many bicyclists, who in turn had contracted with supporters, which generated donations for this worthy cause.

Many cyclists from across the board had put their hearts and souls into this MS ride. Some of the riders themselves were older and disabled. However, they believed in what they were doing and wanted to lighten the burden of others suffering from this deadly disease. They were determined and would not be denied the opportunity to assist in finding a cure.

As I came upon the epicenter of activity via bicycle during the hottest and most congested hour of the day, one elderly bicyclist had pulled over to the side of the road, fatigued and beaten back by the challenge. Several other riders, not too much younger than him, pored their drinking water over his head, attempting to revive and cool him off. They sought  to uplift and encourage him, as their final destination lied just ahead of them .

Sheriff Rick Ramsay and his absolutely magnificent officers and deputies were at the ready. They had assembled at the most dangerous and  vulnerable point of this bicycle ride to manage traffic flow , ease the passage of vehicles and protect everyone traversing this potentially perilous and hazardous crossing on  US1.

Captain Donald Fanelli’s presence, leadership and management of this situation was brilliant. He assembled an extraordinarily superb cadre of deputies under the supervision of their Sergeant, which carried out every  duty and detail of this intricate operation to near perfection. They had researched and studied the safest and most effective routes for motorists and cyclists to travel, when they all converged at this crossing.

These law-enforcement officers maneuvered intelligently, courteously and with poise; throughout the rigors of their assignment. They brought great credit upon themselves and our Sheriff’s Department.




[Feral Cats] The reality of feral cat colony management. Link

[?] I would like to make reservation court March 15 thru 19. I would like to have a cabin as well as tents. Please contact me and let me know what is available and what my options are. Thank you for the time have a beautiful week
[Food Costs] Considering what used to be a basic retail price for food and necessities, the Buy One get One Free offer makes me sick when the total price for one is 4 to 5 times what it was a few years ago.
Ah, the joys of spell check. The latest Barometer ran an article about a lawsuit relative to the grinder pump issue.  The jump, on page three, indicated “See PUMPS on page 7”.  Unfortunately, the headline on page seven was “PIMPS”!


I’m at that age when Father Time has caught up to Mother Nature but he can’t remember what to do with her.

[Wasted Money] The Pentagon reveals that it has spent $8 million to treat 1,500 transgender troops with gender dysphoria according to data obtained by USA TODAY. Link


[Free Tax Prep] United Way of the Florida Keys is continuing to offer 2 free tax preparation options throughout tax season, for Monroe County residents with limited incomes. The VITA (Volunteer Income Tax Assistance) program assists qualified taxpayers with completion of their annual tax return, to ensure that families receive every available benefit, and offers online, easy to complete tax returns. Link

Account by Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin describes his taking Communion on the moon in July 1969. Link


Clean energy myths that can lead to a productive climate conversation. The very reason that some people reject climate change is that they fear some of its solutions, such as regulations on carbon, or government subsidies for clean energy, pose risks to established fossil-fuel based ways of life. Trying to save coal is stupid, we should focus on solar and wind. Link

If a bad guy shoots you will he go to jail for not having a hidden gun carry permit?



Kim Jong Un takes smoke break. He mostly likes Lucky Strikes. Maybe Kim will take over Jussie Smullet’s top news spot. Video

The AARP activities calendar for March. Full Menu > Ongoing Events
[Crooks] Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet, etc., was stolen. Twenty minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says, “I received your text asking about our PIN number and I’ve replied a little while ago.” When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text “hubby” in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad,  Mom, etc. When  sensitive info is being asked through texts, confirm by calling  back. When you’re being texted by friends or family to meet  them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet “family and friends” who text you.

George Carlin tells it like it is! Videos
[Hard Reporting] Deer Ed, I would like to tell how much I enjoy your humor and “hard reporting”. I ran across this article in the news and thought you might like to read it. It has a lot to do with the Keys in a long term manner. Keep up the good work. (Ed: Error: “Your story was not found.”)


Join the 3-day challenge. No alcohol on February 29, 30 and 31!

[Tom Waits] Using rare archive, audio recordings and interviews viewers are taken on a trip through the surreal, moonlit world of Tom Waits – a portrait of one of modern music’s most enigmatic and influential artists. Video



[Camping] It appears as if Big Pine experienced what was probably another bum fire the other day.  Not terribly long ago one of the island’s residents lost their home to a wildfire started by one of our urban outdoors men.  Is it going to take somebody’s dying in an incident like this before someone actually does something about this problem?

I found this campsite deep in the refuge. I called the sheriff who made the guy leave. I usually don’t call the cops, but this I found him just 3 days after another camper burned an acre just down the road and only months since another camper burned a hundred acres on the island. Was this the same camper?
You never really appreciate anything until it’s gone.  A good example is tacos and tequila. Oh yeah, and toilet paper
I wonder if we have to wear life jackets on a live boat drill on a nudie cruise? Hope not!
We’re so glad we didn’t view the Oscars and watch all the stars strut around. I would enjoy seeing a program showing inventors, farmers, educators, and anyone who is really worth their salt, win grants or a Medal of Honor. Enough of the useless eaters being on top of the pile, it’s really starting to stink.
[Captain Doom & Gloom] Hey bar owners, cut us locals a break and start serving decent booze and food. Lately the rotgut booze and barely eatable swill you restaurants/bars are serving is garbage. If you can’t make a decent living off-season, just shut down instead of sticking us with the debris you are serving. This goes for the entire Keys.