2020 May

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.


[Keys Reopen 1 June] Can we rename June 1 as the day that brought the Keys down or the Day of the Dead? You people are nuts to think this won’t screw us locals just so the tourist businesses can make their shekels! We’re all going to die.

[Clueless Boater] What ever happened to the Jersey guy whose big boat on autopilot ran over a couple of folks anchored off Little Palm Island killing one of them?  If he did not get charged with something, we’ve got a real problem with our justice system in the Keys.

[Great Flu Epidemic] By October 1918, the United States had been an active participant in World War I for more than a year. And while the declared enemy was overseas, there was a killer working stateside as well. Cities were gripped with fear: school was canceled; theaters, places of worship, and other places of “public amusement” had been shuttered. That month alone 195,000 Americans died, making it the deadliest month in American history; the killer was none other than influenza.This year marks the 100th anniversary of the 1918 Influenza Pandemic, perhaps the second deadliest disease outbreak in human history. Though the pandemic lasted just 15 months, 500 million people worldwide fell sick and it killed between 3-5% of the world’s population.
[Stay At Home] Brazil has the most virus deaths in the World because only half  the people shelter at home.
[Home Schooling] If you see my kids crying outside and picking weeds just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip.



[Term Limits] As Ronald Reagan said, “Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”

Welcome back to the Disease Keys where everyone can have fun in the sun and get free Coronas on the house, in the house, on the beach, in town, everywhere. Suck up those profits, you greedy bastards. R.I.P. Keys!


[Home Schooling] When Alice Cooper said, “School’s Out Forever” I didn’t take him for a prophet.
Alice Cooper — School’s Out

[“Leadership”] We have 50 different states treating the virus and business closings 50 different ways and achieving 50 different results. Where are leadership and honesty when we really need them?

[Drum Soundtrack] I watched a movie, Brown Paper Bag, where the musical sound track was just a drummer on a trap drum set. He was unbelievable and so musical I forgot the novelty of it immediately. There wasn’t any Ginger Baker or Gene Krupa drum solos, just subtle drumming in the background. He was so good. 

In 1840 the population of Key West was only 688.
[Buy Local Seafood] There was a sign under the anchovies at Winn Dixie that read “”Buy local seafood” Sure the distributor was in Florida but the seafood can read “Product of Morocco”.



Wrestling is not a martial art because a martial art is practice for war or for the benefit of the group. It is purely entertainment.

We have a 6 phase plan to reopen the state. The plan will be a phased plan that we will plan to utilize in phases. The phases will be planned and the planning will be phased. We will move quickly and slowly to open but remain closed. I have created a staff of staffers who will plan the phase and planning while phasing their phases. And that is our reopening plan.


[Toll] I think we should charge a toll for anyone who does not live in the Keys to come through the checkpoint. $20/person is a good place to start, but I would kick it up to $100/person if they are from Miami, and $500/person if from New York.

[Discounts] I think the resorts in the Keys will have to offer deep discounts to get the tourists back while this sickness is still active. Never mind the cruise ships, I couldn’t imagine crowding together on a floating Petri dish.


During this stay-at-home thing I’ve been filling up on cold tomato soup — in a glass with ice, a celery stalk and vodka. I need to get my vegetables. Is hot sauce a vegetable?

Marriage is a learning experience.  I’ve learned that when my wife says, “I’ve been thinking,” it means I will either have to move something, build something, paint something or buy something.


[Leave It To Beaver] Ken Osmond, best known as Eddie Haskell on TV’s “Leave It to Beaver,” has died at 76. He was the irritating ass-kisser on the TV show.

[Ace Hardware] The person that suggested that the Big Pine Key Ace Hardware had a good selection of stainless steel fasteners is incorrect.  There’s different new people in there with limited expertise, sketchy customer service, find it yourself attitude. The poster really needs to go into the Summerland Ace store to learn how its done.  Smiles everywhere, workers you know by their first name cause they’ve been there so long, and great expertise, including the owner who is extremely knowledgeable, friendly and professional. No, I don’t work in either store, nor am I close friends or enemies of anyone in both stores.


[Took A Bus] I got really drunk last night and took a bus home.  It was a lot of fun.  I’d never driven a bus before.

Nice suits. Statler BrothersFlowers on the Wall
[“Leadership”] I believe the type of leadership you might like is in China or Russia. You are on a way street to there, I believe.[?]



[Stay At Home] I have now ordered so much stuff I can’t from Amazon if I received a giraffe I wouldn’t be surprised.

[“Precautions are unnecessary“] Re: the last sentence in a poster’s comment, “then why are laws being overturned and new ones made, forcing all Americans to adhere to other people’s religious beliefs? i.e., birth control, Sunday Blue Laws, etc. It’s amazing how hypocritical some are.[?]



[Family Guy] Angry Italian. Is it okay to make fun of Italians? Video

It’s been a bit of a strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.


[Free Food] In collaboration with Feeding South Florida, Monroe County, and the Ocean Reef Community Foundation, United Way of Collier and the Keys announces that a free drive-through food distribution will take place at the Basilica School rear parking lot on Thursday, May 21 from 1:00 to 3:00pm. The food distribution is available to all who have lost income as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic and multiple families may be represented in each vehicle.

Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the Finish line.



I am so bored staying home I’m even watching commercials and soap operas. Ahhhhh!

There is a cult of ignorance in the United States…nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.”  ~Isaac Asimov
[“Truth in advertising”] They advertise the new light bulbs as lasting 20 years, but the fastest bulb burnout in history is in the light above the Winn Dixie checkout lanes!


[Speaking of Reopening Sports] Beyonce’s half time performance at this year’s Superbowl was all thigh-spreading-and-crotch-thrusting, no foot work or dance steps. She ran around the stage to the beat, stopping every now and then to thrust her crotch forward and back again in time to the music. That wasn’t dancing, it looked like it was choreographed by artificial intelligence.

[Greed] The real illness of mankind is introverted greed, which breeds absolute mental illness. We humans are exactly like all the other creatures on this rock, totally greedy, insanely self-centered, and numbingly uncaring for everything anywhere. We will eat our young if starving. Kill everything that interferes with our egos and lusts. Resent all obstruction to our goals. Invent self-destruction for profit. Humanity is a fungus on this planet and our tools are our inventions. We are not going to make it much longer.



[Lawnmower For Sale] $50, starts right up, runs great, kept inside, no rust, 2017, Briggs & Stratton engine, gas can. model number PR500N21SH, 21”. Big Pine Key. Text 305-942-4323 (no phone calls).

The Mastertapes Guide to writing the perfect song. Audio



I thought you said there was a ‘clog’ in the commode.

[The New World Odor] We don’t care if people die, we just care about their wallets. Business is business and we want the money.



[Movies] If there’s an aquarium in a movie, you can bet it’s there to get broken. The bigger it is the more likely it is to put fish soup all over the carpet.