2015 December

Wednesday, December 23, 2015


Since 2002. Published Wednesdays and Saturdays

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grinch santa scary

The Free Box in front of the health food store that has served the needs of the community for so long has been removed.  Rumor has it that the free box was removed under a directive from the landlord.  Merry Christmas Grinch!

[“Comparing dogs and cats”] There’s obviously another way of looking at it–from the Cat’s point of view. They actually couldn’t care less. You’ve probably never been flipped off by your cat or got the, “Are-you-f**king-serious” look. Kats are kind of like me.
car20Was this concept car supposed to be the Studebaker of the future?
[Groundwater Depletion Adding to Global Sea-Level Rise] Increasing amounts of water are being depleted from the world’s aquifers, and scientists have estimated that a large portion of the water ends up flowing into the oceans. Check out this story. Link
c- report card


[“Linking bridge from Summerland to Cudjoe Key”] I have a bad feeling that the same C student engineers that designed the bridge are the same ones that designed the leaking Cudjoe sewer system. It probably doesn’t fit correctly over the span. Back to the drawing board!

The land crabs that dig in the yard are hard to control.  The only way that I have found to take them out is to shoot them with a pellet gun.  Please remember that they are protected and they have a closed season, so only harvest them when the season is open.
seafood-pizza200hWe like to have something special for Christmas Eve supper. Every year we have a homemade Seafood Pizza. It’s such a break from the poultry or ham that we’ll be eating for the next few days and it’s outrageously delicious.

On Christmas morning we have the Holiday Pumpkin Pancakes found here in the Recipes section. They are sinfully good. Merry Christmas! Full Menu > Recipes

Lost motorcycle key and key fob on Big Pine Key. Lost off bike December 17 on highway somewhere. If you found it please call or text 305-797-0474.
christmas palm decorated


It’s Winter as of 11:49 Monday night when the winter solstice occurred. I’m cold already!

[“Monroe County Sheriff’s Office”] On December 5th, a reader revealed some disturbing news about Sheriff Ramsey’s promotional practices by discussing the promotion of Nicolas Whiteman. Unfortunately, Whiteman’s promotion is not the only promotion that should cause the taxpayers and voters of Monroe County concern.

Whiteman has a track record of bad decision-making and poor judgment. He not only grabbed the breasts of a female co-worker, he also threw a woman to the ground while he was off duty on Sombrero Beach. Whiteman said the woman was drunk and was harassing his family. Whiteman had also been drinking. He did not call 911 and ask for help from on-duty, sober deputies. Instead, he just threw the woman to the ground and then called 911. In both instances, Whiteman violated policy. When he grabbed the female co-worker by the breasts, he broke the law. He was not punished. He was rewarded with a promotion.

Ramsey also recently promoted another deputy who broke the law. Mark Jones took an unmarked Sheriff’s Office car out of the county for personal reasons. This violated policy. He then broke the law by using the Sheriff’s Office credit card to put gas in the car. Monique Acevedo lost her job and went to prison for misusing the school system’s purchase card. Jones merely paid the money back to the Sheriff’s Office and then got promoted.

Sheriff Ramsey recently promoted a third deputy who also broke the law. Ashley Sheriff had sex with a married sergeant. Many of the sex acts occurred while both of them were on duty. During the investigation, she lied under oath. This is perjury and is a crime. She was also promoted. !

santa harness deerHo Ho Ho Springer’s Bar & Grill this week

Christmas Eve: Open 11am – 11pm

Christmas Day: Open from 1pm – 7pm – Limited Menu

New Year Celebration: Watch Springer drop the deer – Come party with the Springer Crew

Try Ginger Bread Head Draft in a chilled 16 oz glass

Happy Hour 3pm – 7 pm

Great Home Cookin’

We also have the Best Damn Root Beer

Y’all come down and see us!

The Christmas spirit will elude you,
’til a selfless love consumes you,
and the joy of giving moves you.Of course there is a Santa Claus. It’s just that no single somebody could do all he has to do so the Lord has spread the task among us all. That’s why everybody is Santa Claus. I am. You are. Have a very Merry & Blessed Christmas~Coconuts Bar & Package Store at the light on Big Pine Key.
rare meat[Like Your Meat Rare?] Last year Consumer Reports found sickening germs on 97 percent of all raw supermarket chicken, with half of them testing positive for “superbug” antibiotic resistant bacteria. In 2013, tests found nasty fecal bacteria on 87 percent of all store-bought meats, with half containing superbug germs. So now you know what you are eating. As for me, when I eat shit, I prefer it thoroughly cooked, but I respect your preference to eat it just warmed up.
[“Land crabs”] A friend used to catch them and place them in a pen for a few days where he’d feed them only corn meal. He said it cleaned out their insides so that they tasted good.
train santa


A bridge for Santa. Nice video. Video

[Situation Wanted] Is there a person around here who will repair a hole in a tiki hut in Marathon?
grimal-grove-map[“Grimal Grove”] The garden is located at the end of Cunningham Lane, on the left, opposite the Royal Palm RV park. It’s not much to look at, even though it’s been cleaned up and most trees pruned and restored. It has rich loam soil instead of hard limestone and two huge cisterns that were hand dug by the owner to irrigate the property. With a little bit of imagination and a lot of money they can realize the potential of this one of a kind property on Big Pine Key.
[“Monroe County Sheriff’s Office] Not only are they promoting the wrong people, but there are too many fat people on the payroll. It doesn’t matter if they are work in the office, they are cops and may be called to duty and need to be in shape for that. Since bodycams, the days of cops shooting people instead of chasing them are over. The MCSO has a fatso image.



Christmas in the Florida Keys.

[Climate Change] George Carlin shares my view with you on global warming (sorry, there is a new term now: climate change). Who can dispute that? Climate changes every day–always has. This post is rated R, mostly for facts.
christmas turkey dinner


This year, United Way of the Florida Keys helped distribute over 60,000 meals to hungry families in Monroe County! Help us grow the number of families we serve in 2016 by giving now! Your dollars go to food, education, and safety net services aiding thousands of Keys residents. DONATE NOW

[“Pitbulls”] The potential for these pitbulls to injure and or kill someone is a real and present danger on Ramrod Key. Dade County does not allow pitbulls. It is too bad that so many bad owners give pit bulls such a bad name.
farah-f burt-r[Getting Old] This country is doomed! And it won’t be outside terrorist forces that destroy us. It’s the youth of America. There is no hope for us or them. They don’t seem to have their priorities straight or know where they’re going. And what, pray tell, you ask, makes me say this? When I showed these 2 pics to a group of late teens, early twenty-something-year-olds last night at a party, none of them knew who these 2 people were! This country is doomed! It makes me just want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head.
[“Land crabs”] You forgot the most important part. If you drive on them, you may get a flat tire. I have been here for decades. I did not move here to grow a lawn. Sorry you feel crabs are pests. I find snowbirds to be pests and have been trying to rid my lawn of them too. What we have now is just enough. Wait until you see what comes down here after New Years.
pizza chef toss


[Pizza] At what temperature do commercial pizza parlors cook their pies? No guessing please.

[“Violent quote from the Quran in Saturday’s CT”]  Here’s another that speaks of revenge: ‘..doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us. Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.’

Unbelievably violent stuff, “take your enemies babies and smash them into the rocks”?   You won’t find this in the Quran though, it’s in the Bible, psalm 137.




Come pick my coconuts for free. I have 13 coconut trees on the property. They are ready. Little Torch Key. 607-423-0717. Call me first.

[“Pitbull”] Whoever suggested shooting or hitting dogs is way off base.  It’s not the dogs’ fault that they’re loose and frightening bicyclers, it is the owners’ fault.  Animal Control should be contacting the owners and slapping them where it hurts – in their wallets – with fines.  They may also be able to confiscate the dogs if they’re running loose.   I don’t know in what part of Ramrod Key you’re talking, but harming animals is never a good thing.  Please choose a more humane way to deal with this problem.
sunglasses reflects light

[They Live] Those FDOT-gigantic-illuminated road signs crack me up. Who is deciding what important message to give us each day? They remind me of a movie called “They Live”. The government had secret messages hidden in their signs that they used to brainwash people. If you wear the special sunglasses, you can read the subliminal message and also see the aliens. Watch the movie if you get a chance then think about these signs. The fight scene between these two big guys is great. Roddy Piper is one of them. Video

[Radical Islam] Most Americans would not equate anti-abortion violence with radical Christianity.


[Orgasm Department] In his defense, Steve Harvey’s not the first guy to yell out the wrong woman’s name at a critical moment.

[Windows 10] I wrote a letter in Word. Word became unresponsive. It let me save the letter, but it won’t let me open it. It says that I have to download a converter, which it then tells me is unavailable. Now what?


[Gift Idea] Wondering what to get for Deer Ed, FTR Guy or Captain Doom and Gloom for Christmas? Now you can help them keep their youthful hipster look with these clip in man buns.

[Spies Like Us] It is a crying shame we have to be spied on every time we go out for a few drinks. The bars are all installing spy cams to keep an eye on their untrusted employees and also listen to what customers say. That all makes customers feel very uncomfortable. My husband and I will not go to any place we are being looked at by Big Brother.
bacon22[Bacon Wrapped Smokies With Brown Sugar And Butter] Ummm, sweet grease!
1 pound Bacon, Cut Into Thirds
1 pound Lil’ Smokies (small sausages)
1 stick Butter
2 cups Brown SugarPreheat oven to 375F.
Cut the bacon into thirds and wrap each smokie.(small sausage)
Place all the wrapped smokies in a single layer in a baking dish.
Then melt the stick of butter and then 1 cup of brown sugar and stir until mixed well.
Pour the butter and brown sugar mixture on the smokies and bacon.
Then take the other cup of brown sugar and sprinkle evenly over the smokies.
Bake them for about 15-20 minutes and then turn the heat up to 400F for about 5 minutes or longer until the bacon becomes crispy.
[How to use WiFi on a Cruise Ship] WiFi is very expensive and not very efficient on all cruise ships. At $.55 per minute for 100 minutes, it can cost a lot of money to receive junk mail.

Tricks to help you get better efficiency from your WiFi:
~Try to get a free batch of minutes included with your cruise ticket deal. Some cruise lines do offer packages with 50 to 100 free minutes.
~Make sure you follow the connection directions and the disconnect procedures correctly
~Write your outgoing email offline and keep the message short.
~Avoid sending pictures and document files if you can. They take a lot longer with this lousy connection.
~Reset your email program to only receive from those in your address book so all the junk mail is not downloaded until you get home.
~If you have to, make a new address book just for the duration of the cruise.
~Go online, sign in, then Send and Receive. Then immediately disconnect or sign out to stop your WiFi minutes.
~Plan your email moves to the second. It costs you money to make mistakes.
~If the WiFi connection breaks or disconnects by itself, make sure you complain to the front desk that you lost time and money.

Even better, do not take your computer with you. You are supposed to be on vacation. Enjoy it. Get out of your rut! Smart phones are just as good at emailing as laptops.

[Guessing] I’m just guessing that the girl who drove the car she was living in into a crowd repeatedly in Vegas with her three year-old in the back seat, was so upset over her sorry life that she wanted to share her misery with others. Sick but not crazy. Give her death. Happy Holidays.

, as always, will be open Christmas (some of you Piners will need a break). Merry Christmas!

[“Monroe County Sheriff’s Office”] I don’t want this to fall on the back burner, the citizens of Monroe deserve to know the truth. The powers to be at MCSO are real nervous that this [promoting lawbreakers] has been brought to light for the public. The management apparently believed that this too would stay in the cover of darkness. My contention is if the promotion of a sexual harasser is nothing to be ashamed of, then why did my first post cause them so much discomfort. Right after the first post the MCSO Facebook page removed the public posting of the promotion.

If any of the good readers of believe this story is farfetched and just couldn’t be true my recommendation is to ask the Sheriff’s office directly. It is all public record. Florida has very broad public records laws and anyone can request the Sergeant’s file and read it themselves. Maybe if the good citizens of Monroe county put some pressure on the powers to be at MCSO things will be made right.



Merry Christmas! Find the panda in this picture.

Merry, hiccup, Christmas Florida Keys! Here is a fun drink. The Russian Mule!

In a copper cup fill with crushed ice and 1 1/2 shots of premium vodka. Add the juice of 1/2 chilled lime into the copper cup. Fill with alcoholic ginger beer and garnish with lime wedges.

Hand wash the cooper cup – do not wash in dishwasher (something is magical about the copper cup, but I’m too drunk to figure this out right now!).

xmas stocking cat swingOn behalf of the officers, directors, volunteers, and, most importantly the abandoned and feral cats for which we provide food, spay/neuter services, vaccinations, and medical care, Forgotten Felines of the Florida Keys would like to thank all of the generous donors who opened their hearts and their wallets during our recent fundraiser.  The event was a huge success, meeting the goal that had been set by the leadership.

A special thanks goes out to Marathon businessman and animal lover Richie Morretti who made a matching grant for the first $5,000 collected in the drive.

Forgotten Felines is an all volunteer organization which provides food and veterinary care to homeless and abandoned cats in the Middle and Lower Keys.  They also place adoptable cats in loving homes and strive to educate the public about the importance of proper care and spay/neuter of pets.  In the nearly two decades of its existence, Forgotten Felines has spayed/neutered more than 3,000 cats.  They also maintain a number of daily feeding stations which service several hundred homeless cats.

Volunteers for the organization are always gratefully accepted.  If you are interested in becoming a Forgotten Felines volunteer should call (305) 743-2520.

Rick Williams of Big Pine passed on 12/15, he was interned to the waters Big Pine on 12/19 at the Old Wooden Bridge to No Name Key. Rick was known by many, and if he liked you, he pissed you off more than once! Rick put a lot of roofs on the homes of the Keys, and if you needed a little help for that roof, he worked to fit your budget. Rick was a giving person, hard as forged steel, but he had a human side that only those he liked were able see. My good friend is missed and will be for a long time. This song is most fitting.


Santa gets so happy when he is in Big Pine Key that he just can’t help himself. Sand and Angles, the guy loves them. Merry Christmas from the Coconuts crew.

[Encrypted text and phone–free] WhatsApp is easily the most widely-used instant messaging service for phones and tablets with more than 700 million active Since being acquired by Facebook for an eye-watering $19 billion twelve months ago, the firm has been forced to clean up its approach to security and privacy, which resulted in the news last year that it has introduced new encryption measures. Experts were quickly impressed, as Wired claimed the solution was “practically uncrackable“, and the Wall Street Journal stated that “the encryption is so robust that even the law enforcement won’t be able to decrypt WhatsApp messages“. Link
psychiatrist man

[I Hate Christmas] I think those who say that are lonely. Lonely people don’t buy gifts or send cards and they feel guilty that they go in the opposite direction and hate Christmas. Even if they do buy a gift they feel it is inadequate so they feel more guilt and loneliness.

[Cat Food] Think twice before feeding your cats dry cat food.  It is very bad for them. Only feed them wet food.  One cat had diabetes and is now in remission and his pal had crystals in his urine from dry cat food.  The whole house of cats were dry food addicts and we have almost weaned them off by sprinkling a teeny bit of dry into canned lite tuna and regular old canned cat food.   The best food for their health is canned turkey without gravy mouse-warm.   You will make your vet even richer if you simply put down dry cat food which is nutritionally very bad for their health.  Be kind to your cats and feed them wet food only. Happy Holidays. Meow mwow mwos.
santa dragging tree[Traffic] With the Christmas and New Year’s holidays upon us, traffic is expected to be heavy as people travel to holiday events, do last minute shopping and take care of holiday errands. This is especially true for those who live on and travel through the Big Pine Key area.

Traffic becomes particularly congested during the holiday season on Big Pine Key. Sheriff Rick Ramsay would like to remind everyone to be patient. Expect delays and try to get out early in the day before traffic is at its heaviest. Most of all, drive safely. Don’t pass in no passing zones or center turn lanes; pay attention to the speed limit and don’t drink and drive. The Sheriff’s Office will be monitoring traffic on Big Pine Key closely, particularly at the traffic light. We will do our best to keep traffic moving in that area.

Have safe and happy holidays from the Sheriff’s Office.



The effects of chronic heavy drinking on brain function are under-diagnosed. Merry Christmas and Nappy New Year and no hangovers! Link

The G & L[?] uglys have all but ruined Fantasy Fest and now want to abolish it entirely. I say if you do not like it move out of the Keys, but leave us partygoers alone! If we had our way there would be clothing optional Keys all over this area.
bah humbug signIf I had my way people riding bikes west on US1 in the east bound lane in Marathon, (while there is a perfectly good bike path on the north side of the highway) would have their bikes taken away from them. They are imbeciles. It’s only a matter of time before one of them gets creamed. There, I said it.
From what I have read in the local Key West papers, Fantasy Fest has about had it. The holy rollers are trying to ban the yearly flesh fling and stop any and all partying as we know it. There were rumors years ago of a bunch of bible belting crank yankers planning to take over the entire Keys and make a religious retreat out of our islands. These nuts are worse than the ISIS nuts.

[Rudolph The Dead Nose Reindeer] A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

[Russia accused of civilian killings in Syria] So be it. This is war and the innocent must die. The sooner we admit to this awful fact; the sooner the war will be over. That is what war is. A fight is when opponents battle one another. War is tragedy. Carpet bombing fixes a lot of problems.
[Fences] The Old Keys are dead and what puts the exclamation point on that is fences. Yes, when you see a builder or home owner stick a freakin’ fence around the property you know dogs and kids will follow and your quite, peaceful hood is history, careened into another low rent breeding pit of ineptness and distain to do about it? Sue the bastard with Mr. Spalding. After all you were here first!
atomic-monster[Captain Doom and Gloom] We are doing it all wrong. Humans are only existing on this planet because we destroy all competition. The other creatures do it right. Eat or be eaten is the real law of this jungle. However, the human race sees this as a horror and protects the lower forms of humanity and culls the intellectuals for war and fodder. We are over breeding ourselves into a stagnate glob of thinking amoebas who have tools and bombs. Lately the rise of 1.6 billion Muslims has shaken some into realizing the army ant’s method of survival is a simple way for species longevity. At what cost? Total inhalation of all other life? Then what? What will the mass of roaming mindless hordes do then? Farm, raise goats, camels, turn cannibal? A close look into a petri dish of slime mold will give you the answer. That view will be as close to our reality a few years after all the nukes rust away and expose the cores, poison the water and air then distort the DNA of all life. Too many people is the major problem. This rock was not designed to hold more than a few million souls.

  1. What a waste this Christmas season is. Seems like nothing is sacred anymore except for advertising deals and immature sports played by limited IQ adults. Even my four-year-old laughed at me when I ask her what Santa could bring her, “There’s no Santa, Dad!” Have a Merry Christmas and hope for a New Year!
  1. Now I know how it feels to live in Russia. With all the spy cams and people thinking they are there for our protection, what happened to our privacy? No, the cameras are not there for you Alice, they are there is see that you buy the highest priced products, to see that you do not do anything the holy fathers do not want you to do and to make sure you are not planning to over throw the rulers. We have lost any resemblance of freedom and have been blinded by the wholesale media moguls into the gutless sheeple you see in that false image in your mirror every morning. Just look at your neighbors’ kids. Look at them because you cannot see your kids in reality. See how bent they have become. The mindlessness of their existence and play. Their lack of vitality except to text each other on the same bench.
  2. Look at our foods, the junk debris we consume. The disposable products that waste our income and fill our dumps. The useless education we put into our useless eater children to obey the rulers. No, we are not going to make it and the founding fathers who created this land of the free are turning over in their graves because of how we have screwed it up. So with this happy holiday message in mind, keep breeding more food holes and soon the 2 trillion nostrils will take that one last inhale of air and, poof, we will all die at once and the insects will have their rock back!
  3. I used to think it was a nice idea to befriend a new neighbor. Not anymore. It could come back and bite you on the ass. Merry Christmas.

[Bingo] Every Monday night at the Moose Lodge on Big Pine.  Open to the public.  Door opens at 5:30 with the first game at 6:00.   Guaranteed $50 pots plus two $250 Bonus Jack Pot games.  Join us at the Moose Lodge, 21st. St. and Wilder Rd. for an evening of fun and Bingo.  Food and beverages are available.  The bingo room is a non-smoking area. Full Menu > Ongoing Events

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