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Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
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|[Home Improvement] I drilled thru a room partition and the 20 precious vinyl record albums that were on the other side — without remembering they were there. I met with unusual resistance, but only pushed the drill harder. The records still played but I’d have to remove the needle before it reached the drill hole. It’s good that they were stacked vertically as the holes were all in the same place, so I just about knew when to lift the needle.|
|[Transgender] My gas stove identifies as an electric stove.|
[Old, Ready of Not] You know you’re growing old when… Video
|[Friday Joke] A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.
“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.
Bruce Springsteen with the artist formerly known as Prince
|[Procrastination] it’s not really procrastination if I have no intention of ever doing it.|
[Sesame Street] The story of Dirty Gulch, the dirtiest town in the West. Video
|[Transgender] My gas stove identifies as an electric stove.|
|[Big Pine Book Club] Live author at January’s discussion. Saturday, January 21, at 10:00am
Death on the Menu by Key West’s national best-selling author Lucy Burdette.When a killer strikes just before flan time, beloved food critic Hayley Snow is forced to sniff out the killer before someone else bites the dust.
Hayley Snow, fiery food critic for Key Zest magazine, has just landed a ticket to one of the most prestigious events in Key West: a high-brow three-day conference at the Harry Truman Little White House. Even though she’ll be working the event helping her mother’s fledgling catering business, there’s plenty of spicy gossip to go around. But just before her mother’s decadent flan is put to the test, Key West’s most prized possession, Hemingway’s Nobel prize gold medal for The Old Man and the Sea, is discovered stolen from its case.
Full Menu > Book Club
If alcohol can damage your short term memory, imagine the damage alcohol can do!
[Virgin Birth] A virgin birth in Shedd Aquarium’s shark tank is baffling biologists. Life finds a way … with or without males. Link
|[Lifetime Guarantee] You buy a non-stick pan with a lifetime guarantee and two years later the coating is worn off and you have no idea where you bought it from. This is how they can make those fantastic statement of how long the coating lasts. They’re banking on you forgetting where you bought it and loosing your receipt too.|
|[Fashion Police] I’m sick of men with messy hair. What happened to combs? When will trend end? Also old men with a day’s growth of beard thinking they look as cool as a thirty year old. That unruly grey hair and day’s growth make you look like a homeless wine-o and not cool at all. And who wants to look like a drunk?|
|[The Lottery] The last winner won 1.35 billion dollars. the total number of us citizens in 2022 was 335 million (men, woman kids). that averages out to $406 per head which means every citizen could have won $406. it also means every citizen one way, or another paid out $406 to play the lottery!
Something is not right here in the old yacht basin!
[Cords & Wires] as of December of this year all electronic devices including the iPhone will have the same USB-C connectors. That means you will no longer have to tote a bag full of cables when you travel. Any new cable will fit your devices no matter what they are or where they are from.
|[Polycrisis] The World Economic Forum’s Global Risks Report 2023 uses the term, to explain how, “present and future risks can also interact with each other to form a ‘polycrisis’ – a cluster of related global risks with compounding effects, such that the overall impact exceeds the sum of each part.|
[Virtual Reality] The Army takes another crack at augmented reality headsets. Microsoft will produce version 1.2 of a device that has had a bumpy history. Here’s what it’s supposed to do. Link
|[Friday Joke] The flight was from Melbourne to Brisbane … Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. You could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. She had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
|[Friday Joke] After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, l, J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous. Hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I‘m Just Kidding”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.
|TickTok, the Chinese owned company, has been banned from 18 States’ phones and countless colleges have banned it over fear that China is collecting our information. Huawei has already been banned in the US over concern’s that the Chinese electronics giant will plant Chinese spyware on connected devices. It’s all good right now, but if China invades Taiwan, and it looks more and more likely, all bets are off and China will use TickTok and Huawei to spy on us. Link|
|[Friday Joke] Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His wife, his daughter and two sons, and his Doctor, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a lawyer be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: “My son, Andy, you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter Sybil, take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the ofﬁces over in the Marathon Government Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The lawyer and witnesses are blown away as they didn’t realize his extensive holdings. Doug slips away, and the lawyer says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.“The wife replies, “Not so. The asshole had a paper route.”
[Harry] An absolute classic from the Duke of Sussex Pub in Chiswick, England. They have renamed their house ale.
|[Captain Doom and Gloom] I feel sorry for that kid who is trying to make humanity understand that profiteering will kill this planet and those who don’t give a shiite will die super rich on a very lonely and empty rock counting their dead Franklins! She knows there is no way to stop the greed and uncaring that is eating away at our air, waters and earth. WAR is the only way the inept pubic public will understand the horrors the mercantile greedies and useless eaters work, but by then it will be too late to fix because WW3 will make WW1 and WW2 look like Sunday Picnics! See: Culling 101 by Orwell 1984|
|[People Dying in Threes] I just heard on XM that David Crosby has passed aged 81. Is the trilogy complete? Kim Simmonds of Savoy Brown, and Jeff Beck.|
|[Friday Joke] Daughter: Dad, I have a ﬂat tire!
Dad: Can’t you call your husband?
Daughter: I tried, he didn’t answer.
Dad: Do you have a spare?
Daughter: He didn’t answer either.
[Chugs] How did they make it across the Florida Straights in those boats? An exclusive look at migrant vessels in the Keys. Video
|[Friday Joke] A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. ‘So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?’
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, ‘Ehhhh .. 22!’
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ‘And can you tell us your height, please?’
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, ‘Five foot two!’
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. ‘And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?’
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, ‘Mandy!’
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, ‘Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your
counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the
measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you
doing when we asked you your name?’
‘Oh that!’, replies the blonde, ‘That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”
I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
|[Friday Joke] A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
[Musicians & Singers Wanted] Musicians needed for the Easter Cantatas – Keys Chamber Orchestra and Lower Keys Community Choir. Singers Wanted Flyer
Me: “Doctor, my brother thinks he’s a chicken.”
Doctor: “Have you thought about getting him therapy?”
Me: “We would, but have you seen the price of eggs?”
|The current Coconut Telegraph was published on 1/20/23 at 8:24 am.|