2022 July

Friday, July 22, 2022

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002.
Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
Tuesdays and Fridays.

Submit a post  Contact Us
[“If man evolved from apes, how come there are still apes? ~Hershel Walker”] If Mr. Walker thinks this is a valid muse, he needs to revisit Biology class. We did not evolve from apes (apes didn’t evolve from apes for that matter), we are apes! Gorillas, chimpanzees, orangutans, Bonobos, and humans are classified, in a subgroup of homineds, as great apes. There are also lesser apes such as the gibbons. We all evolved alongside each other, not one from the other. We share a common primate ancestor that was neither an ape or a monkey or a lemur–they didn’t exist yet either. Who said we evolved from apes anyway? Not a very bright person to be sure
People are irrational. They want guns off the streets when real criminals can make their own to rob and kill with. People want to believe one political party is right and the others are wrong. People believe wars are necessary to keep the peace. People actually believe other humans can tell them that a mythical spirt is for real. People think their vote really matters in controlling the world. Some are really logical and know what dangers can destroy this planet, like germs, atomics, poisons, starvation, over-breeding, bad food and water. Teach those to understand what is truly important or not. It will only sink in with some sort of planetary disaster. Humans never react until too late. I hope this will never be needed.


Hot dogs bring out the crazy-eyes. It’s the nitrates!

It’s so weird being the same age as Old People

[Mutant Troops] Russia says it’s losing because Ukraine has experimental mutant troops created in secret biolabs– in American-run biolabs, of course.

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click ‘l agree’.
[Sea Turtles Are Helping Us Forecast Storms] In the southwest Indian Ocean, turtles tagged with sensors are filling in the gaps scientists need to forecast tropical cyclones. Link
Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
[Help Wanted] Practice Manager / Tobacco Counselor.  Professional needed. Apply today. Keys AHEC Health Center is looking for a Unique Health Professional who will work with our medical and dental teams assisting with practice logistics, planning, and billing. In addition to clinical oversight, the candidate will work with patients who need counseling for making a Tobacco Quit. Training for tobacco counseling with be provided prior to working with patients. Position is based in Marathon, FL. Seeking a candidate with clinic and office experience. Local travel will be required, and strong computer skills are necessary. Interested candidates can send their resume to

[Severed Head Wedding Cake] Couple take ’till death do us part’ to extreme with severed head wedding cake. Link

[Disappointment] I haven’t been to the Keys in 22 years and am amazed how they have changed into something totally different than the happy go lucky party paradise I knew. When did the holy rollers and real estate developers take over. There is nothing left of the great bunch of islands that were once heaven. Greed kills all!


[93°] Damn it’s hot!  Imagine shoveling snow on a day like today

[Friday Joke] A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. “Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents and then we’re going out. I’m excited about tonight, so you’d better give me the 12 pack!” The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying on and on for many minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is the pharmacist.


I went  watermelon hunting. Found a monster, knocked on it, it knocked back. Take it home to butcher it. Inside was mush, over ripe. Boo.

Religious control of the government led to the Dark Ages in Europe. Denial of science, denial of facts, denial of reason.

[Wanted: Cheap Plumber] Are there any decent, fare priced plumbers in the lower Keys that do not charge so much, I have to remortgage my house? The few I’ve talked to play with their pipes too much

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us
Why some people find pimple popping so grossly satisfying. Your tolerance for disgust is a big part of it. Link
[Hand-made Sign In Bar]
The weather is here;
I wish you were Beautiful


Garfield visited Key West 4th of July weekend.

[Dumbing Down of America] If you think you are smarter than the previous generation, 50 years ago the owners’ manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.


[Pony Butter] An idea that never caught on.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.  ~Will Rogers


Apollo Moon mission photo NASA doesn’t want you to see.

[Friday Joke] For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line
[Pirate Queens of the High Seas: Anne Bonny and Mary Read] Upon moving to the Province of Carolina, Anne’s father changed their last name to simply Cormac to blend in better with the locals. They also struggled financially for a time, due to the halting of his wife’s money, but he was soon able to continue working as a lawyer, which eventually paid for a townhouse and a plantation. Link

The Coconut Telegraph was published at 8:47am this morning. If you have trouble accessing the Coconut Telegraph on your phone, please hit the refresh icon.

In your phone’s browsers’ address bar >  type: > click the menu’s 4 bars in the upper right > Click the refresh icon – an open circle with an arrow at one end.