2022 June

Friday, June 17, 2022

Letters to the editor with pictures since 2002.
Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage pick-up days,
Tuesdays and Fridays.

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[Not Prepared for Apocalypse] What scares me more than atomic bombs or plagues or crazy people is computers. With one click of a key you can be an un-person instantly. All your records and vitals can disappear in a nano second then what? Same goes for the rest of us if the electric power goes off. No public power, water, food, sewage, fuel, transportation, medical, police, military, refrigeration, lighting, etc. Within a few days humanity will be cannibalistic and last for only months or maybe a year. Fun huh? But the bugs will rejoice. Depressed yet? You should be. If we don’t fix this rock this is what will happen. Bet on it!
[Confused About Ingredient] I was watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What is leftover beer?

[For Sale] Our businesses, Key West Woodworks & Collections, Key West. 6810 Front Street, Stock Island. Down the dock from the HogFish Grill.

[Immigration] The British government hired a big plane from Spain at a cost of $325,000 to carry illegal immigrants back to Ruanda. The courts stopped them and the plane was sent back to Spain for a $325,000 loss.
[Grimal Grove] The reason they can not have a Fruit Fiesta at Grimal Grove is it would be unsafe. If you take a drive down 23rd street, you will see that most of the grove is a staging area for heavy machines, a large grinding machine and piles of trees from land clearing, and other assorted debris.
[Friday Joke] The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.” “Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”
“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand. “I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor. The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.” After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables looped around his neck. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said. Sighing, the dockhand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”
[Superstition] The great cathedral of Notre-Dame de Reims in France housed a treasure known as the Sainte Ampoule, a mystical vial of sacramental oil used to transform men into kings, delivered, it was said, by an angel in the form of a dove some eleven centuries before and guarded throughout the millennium. It also contains the vial of sacramental oil used to anoint the kings of France, guarded for centuries.
At my age I now appreciate the genius of the elastic waistband.
[Renew The Lease] The Botanical Garden Society has a proven track record as an effective steward of the Garden. The volunteer board of directors is composed of locals with a passion for the Botanical Garden’s mission. Over the years, it has invested over $2 million in improvements to the Garden, including extensive boardwalks that give access to visitors of all abilities. The non-profit organization GuideStar has awarded the Botanical Garden Society its highest platinum rating for excellent stewardship of donations and corporate governance.
Last Stand endorses approval of KW Botanical Garden 99-year lease. Link


Powerball lotto jackpot is now up to 2 full tanks of gas!

What’s worse, a colonoscopy, or home plumbing backup on the night of your colonoscopy preparation


Baby sitting millennial at IKEA.

That sexy bulge in men’s pants that all women love and cannot resist, is called a wallet.


[Crikey!] Animal cruelty in Australia. She’s taking the whole “bring your own pouch” thing too seriously.

Anthony Fauci tested positive for Covid-19. Video


[Drunk Clothing] Now they have a clothing line for drunks. “Apparently Inebriated”.

[Friday Joke] Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by Target’s video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.” This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “Pick me! pick me!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed,
“Oh no! it’s those voices again!”
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, “Where is the fitting room?”
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.


[Grey Pride] We’re old. We’re tired. Get off my lawn!

[Bisexual Amber Heard] She recalls coming out to her religious parents: they couldn’t ‘process’ it. “I remember when I told them about my relationship… it was just tears, tears.”  Video


[Sounds Of Earth] Did you ever wonder what message we sent out into deep space? Video

[Candid Camera] Watch what happens when a man dunks his donut in another diner’s coffee. Video
Two important life lessons for men:
Don’t piss into the wind.
Put your stuff away before zippering up pants


Kim Kardashian ‘did not personally damage’ Marilyn Monroe dress worn at Met gala. Link

A gun, like any other source of power, is a force for either good or evil, being neither in itself, but dependent upon those who possess it.


Restaurant sign.

[Diesel Exhaust Fluid] The trucking industry could be shut down without it. Link
[“White line fever”] I remember years ago my friend on Big Pine got a job with the County painting the white line along the curb on Eaton Street in Key West. They just gave him the walk-behind stripping machine and instructions how to turn it on and off. That was it. No one told him what to do with the parked cars so he painted around them. The result was that he painted the line weaving around parked cars and then back to the right side of the street and then weavings around more parked cars — all the way down Eaton Street. It was enough to make you dizzy just looking at it. He only lasted one day.

See the stars from the Milky Way mapped as a dazzling rainbow. Gaia’s latest data drop reveals ‘starquakes’ and ‘primordial material’ pretty close to home. Link

[“Fruit fiestas”] It’s in the paper again. No mistake. Fruit fiestas in both Big Pine Key and KW on Saturday. Bad planning? Or did someone think it was a good idea to do them in competition?

[$4.8 Million Dress] Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala moment has ‘permanently altered’ Marilyn Monroe ‘Happy Birthday’ dress, say heartbroken collectors. Why did they let her put her fat ass in this dress. Video

[The Bubbly] Popping a champagne cork creates supersonic shockwaves. How fluid dynamics explain bubbly ballistics. Link
[Friday Joke] If your electric car runs out of power on the interstate, do you walk to a charging station to get a bucket of electricity?