2017 March

Friday, March 10, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[Spring Forward] Sunday you must set your clocks ahead one hour or you will be out of time.

[All Users Charged Twice For Water] We should all be grateful the electric company has not found a way to put a meter on the wire out so we could pay them twice for the same product. In all other companies “double-dipping” is illegal.
Deer Editor, you should remain open-minded about posting truths on the Telegraph.  I applaud you for trying to inform American voters. They need it.  People constantly let their political views trump science and common sense, ultimately voting against their best interests and their pocketbook.  Politics are, by their very nature, opinions or fake news, so I can understand you putting them on the “back page.” Perhaps you should check on readers’ submissions at There is not a more unbiased truth teller on the web. It might also broaden your viewpoints.

Please be constantly aware that just because your political take on an issue doesn’t always agree with the facts, that in itself, doesn’t make it political.  It only makes it political in your mind. (Ed: I know all that; and you should know that I am an editor and not a reporter.)


235 homeless kids were in Monroe County Public Schools the last week of January. I understand that federal law requires all school districts to have a Local Homeless Education Liaison. Ours is Laurie Mazelin.

The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, March 11, 10 am at the senior center.  Hope to see you there! Full Menu > Ongoing Events
Whatever is getting built next to Freeman’s Automotive in Marathon is certainly going up quickly.
[Poker Run] It does not surprise me at all the that Poker Run is still on the schedule.  I don’t think our county commissioners have the grapes to say no to the bar and hotel owners.

I’ve always been amazed that this event is not only sanctioned, but is actually promoted by our county.  Think of it.  To fully participate. thousands of motorcyclists are required to stop at five bars as they ride more than a hundred miles through our communities.

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.  ~Hunter S Thompson
[Bad Lighting] Since it was mentioned twice in the CT, I took a long look at the rope lighting at the Little Tiki the other night. One part of the place has nice incandescent rope lighting-it gives off a warm color and is flattering to people. This is the type of lighting typically used in restaurants and home lighting.  The other half of the bar area has nasty-looking cold white blue lighting. This color of light is used to see details, and is used in jewelry stores and medical offices-people don’t look good under it. Bottom line- if you want to improve your odds of scoring, hang out under the yellowish lights.



Spicy Roasted Broccoli Pasta. I fed 4 people for about six bucks with this recipe and it was delicious! Recipes > Main Dishes

[Bio-Cremation] Do you know about chemical cremation? I used to think cremation meant a dead body was incinerated until only bone fragments remained. Turns out that “alkaline hydrolysis” can legally be called cremation. They put your corpse in a big pressure cooker of lye and/or potassium hydroxide caustic solution, and cook it for 3 to 4 hours at 160-170 degrees. All that remains is fragile bone fragments and greenish liquid. The bone fragments are filtered out, crushed to dust and delivered as “ash” to the bereaved. The goo that was you is usually flushed into the sewer system like a 325 gallon toilet once the pH is adjusted. Once through the sewage plant, the sludge remains will be typically buried with the poo sludge in a landfill. Not very dignified, is it? Watch the video.
[Cheyenne and Souix] Fishing lines were made of horse hair. The hairs were tied to make long threads, and these were plaited together. We got metal hooks from the white men traders. I have caught rabbits also with baited hooks on the horsehair lines. I heard of eagles having been captured in that way. But I never tried it on an eagle. The Arapahos used to be great eagle hunters.

Old men told me the Cheyenne in past times had caught them from pits. The pit was covered with sticks, and a dead rabbit or some other tempting flesh bait was placed upon the sticks over the center of the pit. The hunter hid himself below the bait. When an eagle alighted, he seized its legs, jerked it down, grabbed its head, and wrung its neck.

Twisting rabbits out of a hollow log, using a forked stick to get the hold for pulling them, was a boyhood game. I set my muzzle loader rifle one time on the upper Rosebud R. as a trap and caught a fox.

[Chemicals in Food] Nano particles of titanium dioxide are in an incredible variety of foods and other products: For example: chewing gum, confectioners sugar (like on donuts), skim milk, toothpaste, chocolates, Twinkies, mayonnaise, bread, many candies. researchers found it in 5% of foods sampled. It seriously damages your intestines so they cannot properly absorb nutrients or protect from infection. There is more evil commonly added to chewing gum exposed in this article. Link
[Rude Lights] It is that time of the year again when our neighborhoods are packed with snowbirds, and many of them are terrified of the dark. They turn on every available outside light. If you neighbor is one of these, then check out the attached article. There is a sample letter at the bottom that you can click on and send to your neighbor as a first step. If they ignore that, try sending it to the rental agent and the owner. Link
[Spring Break] Whoever said kids weren’t coming here for spring break probably hasn’t been to Smathers Beach. There are more fine looking hard-bellies here than I’ve ever seen. Party on!


[Name That Plant] What is the name of this lovely flower that we call the umbrella flower, but know that’s not its correct name.

[Crooks] A Key West jury found a former Cay Clubs chief financial officer guilty of conspiracy and bank fraud Monday and when sentenced, the Orlando man could face spending the rest of his life in federal prison. David W. Schwarz, 60, of Orlando, was convicted of conspiracy to commit bank fraud, two counts of bank fraud and interference with the administration of internal revenue laws.
[Friday Joke] A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.  The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s Day.”

Once again, don’t mess with seniors.

[Blacks of the Sudan] The children of this country, both browns and blacks—the former are of a perfect bronze colour. The browns and blacks bear their wounds without a murmur; the poor fellaheen [Egyptian] soldiers yell upon the slightest touch to their wounds.

The negro soldiers are wonderfully clean, while the fellaheen and Turkish lot are just the reverse. The negro soldiers have the gloss of a well-cleaned and polished boot, such as the little London shoeblack loves to turn out for a penny. They know me, while their black pug faces are all alike to me. I like the Chinese better then the pug-faced blacks, then the chocolate Soudan people. I do not like the tallow-faced fellaheen, though I feel sorry for them.  ~ General Gordon under siege at Khartoum 1887

[Splash Trash Tour] Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary welcomes an innovative and inspiring art show at its Eco-Discovery Center March 16-25, the Splash Trash Tour. The show highlights an enormous challenge we all face as we enjoy the beautiful Florida Keys ocean and beaches – trash in our oceans. Splash Trash will engage visitors and provide several opportunities to consider the impacts of trash and the devastating effects on our sea and wildlife, our beaches, our local economies and our human health. Environmental communicator, Bette Booth, created the Splash Trash Tour to promote dialogue and action about trash in our oceans and what we can do to make a difference.  The Tour combines whimsical art made out of beach trash with an interactive, hands-on exhibit fun for all ages, and community presentations.

“The Splash Trash Tour is a wonderful way to reinforce the Florida Keys Eco-Discovery Center’s mission of education and outreach about the need to preserve and protect the fragile marine environments around the world,” said Craig Wanous, manager of the Eco-Discovery Center. The Tour will also host the Center’s monthly children’s program, Discovery Saturday, enabling the Center and the Splash Trash Tour to reach the youth of the Keys community with an interactive program about plastic pollution in the ocean. Kids from kindergarten through fifth grade are invited to participate in Discovery Saturday and work with Splash Trash artist, Bette Booth, to create a new art piece – ‘Catch of the Day’.

The Center will also host a presentation by Maria Josefina Olascoaga, an associate professor at the University of Miami Rosenstiel School who studies ocean circulation, harmful algal blooms, and oil spills. Olascoaga will give an informal presentation on her latest research about the connection between ocean currents and ocean garbage patches

[Bad Lighting] A local electrical engineer was at the Looe Key Tiki bar Tuesday to play and sing with the jam band for a few songs. He came by and remarked about the new glaring rope lights on the highway side of the bar, saying they looked to have a color temperature of about 6,000 Kelvin, which is what they use in operating rooms to reveal maximum detail. He said one thing you notice right away is how much older and uglier people look under that cold harsh light. Take note, Jersey girls
[“Dog dander”] To the germophobe, relax, dog dander is the least of your worries regarding sanitation, or lack there of, in the Keys.  But if I was you, just to be on the safe side, I’d go back to that squeaky-clean city you came from.
[Fuego’s Volcano] Tired of politics on your email, Facebook and Twitter? Well here’s a nice change. Video
[No Hand Shakes] In Switzerland it has long been customary for students to shake the hands of their teachers at the beginning and end of the school day.  It’s a sign of solidarity and mutual respect between teacher and pupil.

Two Muslim brothers, aged 14 and 15, who have lived in Switzerland for several years (and thus are familiar with its mores), in the town of Therwil, near Basel, refused to shake the hands of their teacher, a woman, because, they claimed, this would violate Muslim teachings that contact with the opposite sex is allowed only with family members. Link

[Avoiding Taxes] How does someone that earns $200,000,000 per year avoid paying taxes through deductions?  If their net worth is $200,000,000, that is not the same as earned income.  Warren Buffet brags about paying less in taxes than his secretary.  That means that his “salary” comes from dividends which are taxed at a rate of 15% and his secretary makes a crap load of money. In any case, what someone else makes and pays in taxes has no effect on me, so I don’t worry about it. What does affect me is the amount that the government takes from me and just pisses away–that’s annoying!



Six-pack rings are choking turtles. Why don’t the companies who make them make them out of something digestible for the wildlife.

[Fighting Regulations For 2 Years] Boondocks will increase its capacity by 80 seats and also add a new 50 car parking lot. The restaurant will expand its seating capacity from 210 to 290. They initially applied for this request in September 2015
[Friday Joke] A pirate walks into a bar with paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and ask why. The pirate replies, “Arrr, I’ve got a Bounty on my head.”



The Old Seven Mile Bridge.

[Abolish the 1st Amendment] I cannot understand why those people who protest or disobey the President are not arrested. It seems to me when the President makes a rule, it would be treason to disobey it. If the Congress wants to rebuttal the law or idea or rule, then let them do it in court, but let that rule be in force until it is withdrawn.

[Immigration] To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.  Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

Sorry iguana lovers, but I’ve probably whacked 20 today because I’m simply overrun with them. It only takes a lung-shot and lots of times they fall in the water which I’d rather not happen. They stink the place up because they float up, but I’m done cleaning up after their ugly asses. Can anyone tell me if garlic poster[?] mixed and sprayed about will keep them away from my property? If they would do their “business” elsewhere they would not bother me one bit. Pelicans? I have my own remedy for their annoying presence.
[Architecture] The new Mote Marine building on Summerland Key looks like it was designed by Albert Speer the Third Reich’s architect who also designed the Albrechtstrasse.
[Correction] The Morning Mix was on AM1300 not US1 radio, but it’s not on anymore because it sucked.
[“Cars in movies”] Greatest car collection movie of all time is American Graffiti. Also it has one of the best soundtracks.
[Read a Book] Have any of these people who are slaves to ATT and Comcast ever thought about reading a book? They are usually rectangular in shape. They have these places called libraries where you can borrow them for free. You would even be surprised how nice it can be to talk, and listen, to your wife and kids once in a while. Unless everybody in your house is a moron you might learn something. Forget what I just said, I just remembered I have a crapload of ATT stock!
Some things I wish the government would get rid of in America. Junk medical toys with claims to do this and that but never do anything but take our money. Retailers who sell $1 items for $100’s. Limit retail profit to 10% over true cost. Organized religions that do not pay income taxes. Quack doctors. Quack lawyers. Junk advertisers. Charities. Just think if all the garbage were to disappear from America, we would be living in a great big food factory farm.
[Friday Joke] “Hey Sally, you forgot to come to work yesterday.”
“Oh, it was bitch day, I forgot about that.””You’re fired. Go bitch about that!”


Misdirection takes advantage of the limits of the human mind in order to give the wrong picture and memory. The mind of a typical audience member can only concentrate on one thing at a time. The magician or politician uses this to manipulate the audience’s ideas, or, perceptions of sensory input, leading them to draw false conclusions.

[Screw worm fly prevention] As some of you may be aware, Daylight Savings Time will be starting this coming Sunday, March 12th. As a result, we will be altering the morning oral dosing times to coincide with sunrise and the loss of an hour of light in the mornings. You should now pick up your doses from either the Visitor Center (Zones 3 and 4 on Mondays) or at the entrance to the Port Pines neighborhood (Zones 1 and 2 on Fridays) from 8:00AM to 9:00AM starting on Monday, March 13th. The good news is that this means a bit more time to sleep in while still getting to dose around the times that the deer are most active. We apologize if this inconveniences anyone, but for safety reasons we do not need either volunteers or employees to be out in complete darkness. If you need to contact us about making other arrangements, please do so. This coming Friday’s Zones 1 and 2 dosing will still occur from 7:00AM to 8:30AM, and all afternoon pickups can still be done between 4:00 and 5:00PM on both days. Contact
[Iguana Repellent] I tried this and it just made them horny. A nice fresh grape with anti-freeze is better! Link
Now in my senior years, I’ve decided I don’t know who in the hell I am. I’m confused
I used to think I was just a regular guy, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.
I am older than 65, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Now, a sick old woman said me and my friends are a basket of deplorables.
Please help me come to terms with the new me because I’m just not sure who I am anymore.
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking.
I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly.
Funny, it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years. As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with, I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!
[“Advertising boats in the Keys”] Ha, right on, but wait until they start with ads in space and clutter up the sky with debris! They are developing space tourism right now.
[Dog Lover] Dogs at the grocery store, dogs in the bars, dogs on the boat. The Keys have always been dog friendly. That is until a drunk tourist stumbled across one in Turtle Kraals a few years back and sued. For all of you who have moved here and don’t like our dirty ways, move back! My dog rolls with me everyday, literally a ride or die bitch (female pooch). If you want clean and sterile, move to the mainland, I hear Ft. Myers/Cape Coral is nice, and cheap. Buy you a house on a man-made lake, Walmart, Publix, hair and nails on every corner and no dogs allowed anywhere except in your yard. The only thing worse than seeing dogs everywhere is listening to the Northerners whine about how much better things are back home!

How globes were made in 1955. Video

Disney has gone gay? Good for them. Before long they should go the way of Sea World anyway.
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