2018 May

Friday, May 25, 2018

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsLetters to the editor with pictures since 0202. Published on Big Pine Key’s garbage days, Tuesdays and Fridays.​​​

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[Dangerous Driver] Please be careful if you encounter this vehicle.  Here is a pic of the car driven by a reckless woman who endangered my life last week on the 7 Mile Bridge (red Mercury, FL plate 093 QZW).  While approaching the bridge’s hump, in a clearly marked “non-passing zone,” this violent driver crossed the solid middle line, realized there was oncoming traffic, and then nearly bumped me into the bridge wall when trying to cut me off and squeeze in.  There was no space for her to cut in and traffic was heavy.  However, that was of no concern to her; she cut anyway and did not relent even though my horn was blowing and we were now both swerving.  To save my own life, hers, and the lives of other drivers around us, which obviously meant nothing to her, I allowed her to cut in.  To add to the gall of it all, she gave me the finger as she sped off.  If this woman does not value her life, so be it.  Don’t almost take my life with dangerous illegal driving actions and blatant disregard for the law and life.  This maneuver gained her 20 feet. I know because I met her again down the road at the Big Pine light.  Lady, you almost left a family without a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt and friend of many.  Shame on you!
[Too Much Rain] You know it’s humid when the weatherman is giving tips about unsticking your balls.


[Kilauea] This homeowner who live streamed from his house takes a walk down to the lava flow downstream from the area on cam.  Caution: not a steady cam and watching it sometimes made me a little queasy, but you get a real good idea of the house’s location from the fissure and flow. Video

[Direct Flights] is a useful website for finding airline routes and flight schedules globally. The idea is being able to explore destination opportunities through non-stop flights from a specific airport. It’s a tool to set up your business meeting or weekend holiday based on your time schedule and your closest airport. Link
[Military For War] Nobody has a “right” to serve in the military. Nobody! What makes people think the military is an equal opportunity employer? It’s very far from it. The military uses prejudice regularly and consistently to deny citizens from joining for being too old or too
young, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short. Citizens are denied for having flat feet, or for missing or additional fingers. Poor eyesight will disqualify you, as well as bad teeth. Malnourished? Drug addiction? Bad back? Criminal history? Low IQ? Anxiety? Phobias? Hearing damage? Six arms? Hear voices in your head? Self-identify as a Unicorn? Need a special access ramp for your wheelchair? Can’t run the required course in the required time? Can’t do the required number of push-ups? Not really a “morning person” and refuse to get out of bed before noon? All can be reasons for denial.The Military has one job–war. Anything else is a distraction and a liability. Did someone just scream, “That isn’t fair”? War is very unfair. There are no exceptions made for being special or challenged or socially wonderful. You change yourself to meet military standards, not the other way around. I say it again: You don’t change the military, you must change yourself. The military doesn’t need to accommodate anyone with special issues. The military needs to win wars. If any of your personal issues are a liability that detract from readiness or lethality, “Thank you for applying and good luck in future endeavors. Who’s next in line?”
~Coconuts Bar and Liquor Store. To those who have served, thank you.

[Obama the Director] Netflix announces multi-year production deal with the Obamas. The Obamas will produce a diverse mix of content, including the potential for scripted series, unscripted series, docu-series, documentaries and features. Sometimes the former president and first lady will be on camera as hosts or moderators, the source said on condition of anonymity. In other cases they will stay behind the scenes as producers. Link

[Friday Joke] Falling in Love on a Singles Cruise. Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Linda paused, then responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
Ed said, “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”


Hey out there. If you see Bum Fardo tell him to phone home

The houses in LA’s San Fernando Valley were all built by a couple of developers in the 1960s and are of the same style — a gabled roof facing the street with the front door next to it. The front is always wood with stone or brick below (in years since, they’ve been remodeled many times). The rest of the house is stucco. They built these houses in former orange groves.
Key West has it’s Conch houses, the San Fernando Valley has its Valley Ranch Houses.
[Hurricane Re-entry] Want to re-enter the Keys quickly after a storm? Take this course. Re-entry into the Keys was a hot-button issue in the days after September’s Hurricane Irma, with tempers flaring and hordes of people lining up at a Florida City checkpoint waiting to be let back home. Those who take a planned 32-hour course in disaster response and preparedness could be rewarded with the “golden ticket to re-entry” into the Keys the next time the island chain gets hit with a hurricane, county officials said this week. Link



This new ‘bulb’ has no bulb just a one inch square with 4 diodes in it. It’s very bright and uses almost no power. It’s pictured here looking up through the bottom of the light fixture.

[“Water on the knee”] My husband suffered that condition, and went to a medical doctor, twice, to have it drained.  Water on the knee returned within days both times.  He then visited an acupuncturist; after 2 treatments, the condition disappeared, never to return!

[4-Way Go sign] We don’t need no stinkin’ stop signs in Mexico! Things were just fine until the police showed up.


The horse originated in North America nearly two million years ago and spread to Eurasia over the Bearing land bridge. Then, about 10,000 B.C. horses vanished from North America, possibly killed for food by humans who had come to the continent from Eurasia. Columbus reintroduced the horse to the new world on his second voyage. Spanish conquistadors under Cortes brought horses to North America in 1519.

Hawaiian volcano nears power plant and I sure hope the plant is not nuclear. If it is, we could be glowing all over this rock like 3 Mile Island or Chernobyl – again! Somebody should call and warn the President.
[Python Hunters] Florida’s Everglades now have 1,000 fewer pythons. Since they first arrived about three decades ago — either as escaped pets or loosed from a nearby breeding facility by Hurricane Andrew — pythons have taken control of the marshes, becoming their top predator and gobbling up nearly all the small mammals. According to one study, the number of raccoons and possums in Everglades National Park had dropped by 99 and 88 percent by 2011. No marsh rabbits or bobcats could be found. Scientists also think the snakes are increasingly crowding around tree islands and feasting on wading birds. Link
[NY Subway] There are 468 different stations along 842 miles of track.  Over five million passengers ride the trains every week day.
[Fresh Fish] I keep going back to this LA restaurant called Hook’d where I get this large whitefish (Basa) fillet grilled with fries and fresh coleslaw for just $8.99.  You can’t even buy fresh fish at the fish mongers for that price, let alone have it cooked with side dishes! The portions are huge and the fish is so fresh and perfectly cooked that you can see the glistening moisture between the segments of the meat. Who’d ever have thought I had to go to LA to get a fresh piece of fish.
[Medicare Scam] You are probably aware that the Centers for Medicare Services (CMS) is sending out new Medicare cards to all Medicare recipients. This will happen between April 2018 and April 2019.
It may not surprise you to know that there are already people using this situation to run scams on Medicare recipients. Medicare beneficiaries should keep the following in mind:
~No action is needed. New Medicare cards will be automatically mailed to the address that CMS has on file. Medicare beneficiaries should not provide any information to anyone claiming it is needed for the new card.
~A temporary card is not needed. Medicare beneficiaries can continue to use their existing card until they receive a new one.
~CMS does not charge for Medicare cards.
~Medicare will not call. Be suspicious of anyone calling about the new Medicare card.
~In general, it is never a good idea to give personal information like Social Security number, Medicare number or credit card number over the phone if you are not 100% certain who you’re talking to and how it will be used. Link


[Chase] Damn, and I thought being chased by a dog was bad! Video

[Islamorada] Ten years on the Village Council is long enough, Chris Sante says. “I’m done and done,” Sante said of his intent to stay off the Islamorada ballot in November. “I’m 100 percent positive.” Sante, 63, said he will finish his current term as council mayor but not seek re-election to Seat 4, which he has held for six consecutive years. Link




[Viva Zapata] Picture taken in a Mexican restaurant.

[Coral Killer Continues to Spread Along Reef] It’s been two years since scientists confirmed the presence of “white plague” disease in the Upper Keys, the malady has extended to Marathon’s Sombrero Reef. Troublingly, the disease may have crossed the large gap at the Seven Mile Bridge and reached the Lower Keys. Link
[Engine Failure] Entire Air Traffic Control recording of Southwest Flight 1380. Video


[“I have gotten four computer viruses in the last week”] The White house eliminated the cybersecurity coordinator position on the National Security Council, the job central to developing policy to defend against computer attacks.. Maybe this will answer your question about what’s going on and why we will all see an increase in viruses and hacking. Link

[Friday Joke] Old Guys. A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. “About 32” is the reply. “Nope, I’m exactly 50” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’  The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, as luck would have it, she happens to run into an old man named Otto waiting next to her for the bus the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 74 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then, and only then I can tell you exactly how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

Old Otto slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay, how old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.”

Florida Keys parishioners welcome Presiding Bishop Michael Curry to their hurricane-torn churches. (Hey, that’s the library lady!)

Bishop Michael Curry: how I wrote the royal wedding sermon — and why I went off script. Video


Anything new on that crocodile that was swimming around Cudjoe Gardens? A 6-foot croc can do some damage. Anyone missing a dog?

[Friday Joke] The day after his wife disappeared in a Kayaking accident, a Big Pine man answered his door to find two
grim-faced FWC officers, “We’re sorry Mr, Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the officers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Cedric Flynn asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.” The FWC officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we
found your wife’s body in the bay.” “Lord sufferin’ Jesus!” exclaimed Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”
The officer continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” The officer replied, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow!


[Name That Turd] Do any of you know what critter left these turds? They look like miniature elephant turds. I put a sea grape leave in the picture to give you an idea of their size. I hope it’s not the Swamp Ape.

The next meeting of our Big Pine Computer Club is coming up this Saturday, May 26, at the senior center.  Hope to see you there! Full Menu > Ongoing Events
Why can’t they pass a law that makes every person totally responsible for their actions no matter their age, sex, religion, politics or anything else?
[No Drinking Water For Deer] Save Our Key Deer Organization. Our biggest concern linked to the natural drinking water shortage was along Long Beach and the neighboring islands due to the well-documented prevalence of Mycobacterium avium paratuberculosis (MAP) within that sub-herd.  MAP (also known as Johnes disease) is, as you know, an incurable and ultimately lethal disease which had, pre-Irma, been believed to be confined to the Long Beach and NH-Islands region, leaving the main herds on BPK, NNK and other large islands MAP-free. Link
[Protest] Parkland shooting survivor calls for ‘die-in’ at Publix on Friday. A generation of children who were raised with a lack of respect and the belief that change comes from temper tantrums is now attacking private business. While I know Mr. Hogg’s father is former FBI, private business should sue the little bastards for civil rights violations. Business has the right to endorse who they want, if you don’t want to do business with them, don’t. If you want to block my access to do business, beware, 40 years ago my parents sent me to a good law school–if you’re 18, you’re a defendant. Link



Our office will be closed on Monday May 28, 2018 to honor all of the men and women and their families who gave the ultimate sacrifice for the United States of America.

Have a safe Memorial Day Weekend!  ~Johnsons Insurance Agency

[Reap What We Sow] What we plant in the soil of contemplation, we shall reap in the harvest of action
[“The end is near (paradise)”] We are being sold down the creek. The Keys were sold decades ago. It used to be the snowbirds owned a house in the Keys and came down for four months a year. Now, its tourism 24/7/365, the reef is the real telltale sign of how bad the environment has gotten, the over-crowding of pasty, white northerners on 60 X 100 lots is another. Gone is the privacy, the seafood and the true locals. The same breed ruined Bimini, Chub Cay, and the Abacos. The islands were much more fun when modern day pirates plied their trades and goods. Anyone remember when there was only one t-shirt shop on Duval Street? It was caddy-corner to Sloppy Joes. “Environmental Circus” ring a bell? And we all used to go to La Te Da’s for the afternoon t-dance, that was back when it really was one human family in the Keys.

[“Lowest form of humanity – real estate agents”] I disagree-the lowest form of life hands down are politicians.  They will smile in your face and then stab you in the back. The O’Jays nailed it a long time ago. Back Stabbers

[Male Chauvinism] I would love to see an ad for a hit man for hire specializes in lawyers and greedy bimbos! Enough of the sex suing crap.
[BadNews] When you really think about it, the media is a worst terrorism generating system than the throat cutters. Everything we read or hear is sissified, hatred, degrading and miserable 24/7. What happened to nice people that don’t shoot or sue?
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