Friday, May 5, 2017

The-Coconut-Telegraph-w-CoconutsSince 2002. Published Tuesdays and Fridays
Letters to the Editor with pictures

[“Not only is Wendy’s food superior to McDonald’s…”] ” Good God, people, is it that bad that you actually think that garbage is food? Get real!

[Keys Millions of Years Old] I know there’s a lot of talk about sea level rise. I know when I first got here a million moons ago they told me that the Keys used to be underwater. There has to be one or two dinosaurs out there that can back up that story. Buck up and show your scales and verify this unproven fact!

[Sea Level Rise Not Real] Five of the Solomon Islands have already been lost to sea level rise and many more are being rendered uninhabitable, but certain people still deny it. Audio Link




[Wheelie] Giddy up Little Torch dude!

[Friday Joke] A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’, St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.
‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!’
St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’
‘Couple of minutes ago.’
[Harley riders don’t like the sounds of nature] They say they do; they say they like nature and donate money to causes, but their actions aren’t louder than their bikes. Isn’t there some way to shut up those rumbling interruptions nature lovers love so deerly? Can’t someone invent a diverter to silence the engines that could be switched off for the tropical lifestyle, Ohm,  and then switched on for the hey-look-at-me lifestyle rumble for trips up to America.

I once had a diverter on a car that I could switch from my quiet muffler to my very loud Lakes pipes. It was illegal, but I loved that sound.



[Bucktooth Rooster’s New Plane] The question should not be “What the hell is that?” The question should be “Why doesn’t someone in the Keys have one?” Video

[Sloan Innocent] Circuit Court Judge Bonnie Helms issued a ruling Friday to strike all motions and responses in a lawsuit filed by Leeds, Alabama resident Judith Haney seeking a restraining order along with punitive and compensatory damages from Bashinsky for alleged libel, invasion of privacy and cyberstalking. Bashinsky and Haney represented themselves in the case and made approximately 200 filings between the original complaint on Dec. 30 and the hearing on March 31. Haney is “very likely refile the case,” she said. [condensed from article by Scott Unger, Key West Citizen)

[Deer Ed Sued] Deer Ed, Just tell that hillbilly girl from Alabama that we don’t adhere to her rules and regulations. We aren’t the South. We succeeded from them hillbillies a long time ago. If that doesn’t work, pull your Cuban bread out on the bitch and show her you mean business. Don’t waste money on a lawyer. If you had a good one he would have gotten you off by now with a defense just like this one. As far as Sloan, his actions speak for themselves.

If I cut down my neighbor’s overhanging jungle that’s encroaching on my property; and pile it on the street will the county pick it up?


[Closed] The Little Torch Key’s newly remolded boat ramp will be closed from May 15 to May 19. I hope to repair the defective work they did. The ramp has a 3/4-inch crack across the whole thing because the subsurface wasn’t compacted properly. I also hope they re-open when they say they will because the last time it was closed three weeks, or so, longer than stated.

[High Gas on BPK] It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the greedy SOB that bought the Shell stations on Big Pine, Ramrod, and Summerland and distorted the market.  He goosed his price into the stratosphere and the other stations followed suit, raising theirs to a point just below his.  I was hoping that ending the Winn Dixie Fuel Perks gas rebates at Shell stations would force him to bring the prices down when his business went away.  I can’t imagine anyone stupid enough to pay those prices without a rebate, but I still see people in there every time I drive past.

The only thing that will help us out is to avoid buying gasoline there until he goes out of business and a more sensible owner takes over.



Another normal day in the Keys.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like my dog.  But I trust my dog when he doesn’t like a person.
[Radioactive Fish] I got up this morning and it was pitch black, there was no moon. On entering the kitchen, I saw the garbage can aglow! Grunt carcasses from last night’s meal were glowing! I’d never seen this before. I tried to take a photo of it, but it didn’t come out. Have any of you experienced this phenomenon of fish carcasses glowing the next day? I hope I didn’t catch fish from Chernobyl, the remains sure looked radioactive. I caught them in Hawk’s Channel. This can’t be normal. I know there’s traces of mercury in our fish, but nuclear waste? I hope not.
[Crooks] Former Cay Clubs sales director Barry J. Graham, 59, and sales agent Ricky Lynn Stokes, 54, both of Fort Myers, were sentenced to five years in prison in April 2015 after agreeing to plea deals for their roles in the fraudulent sale of Cay Clubs Resorts and Marinas rental units to some 1,400 investors in the Florida Keys and elsewhere during the height of the real estate explosion in the early 2000s. Each was also ordered to pay about $164 million in restitution to individuals and various financial institutions.
[Longevity] Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
[Sinko de Mayo] Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellmann’s Mayonnaise was made in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.  This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.  But as we know, the ship did not make it to New York.  The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was lost forever. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery and were deeply saddened by its loss.  Their sadness was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.  The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known as Sinko de Mayo.
[Life is a Breeze in the Florida Keys] There’s a reason there’s no magazine called “Northern Living.”



Our Orchid Society meeting will be this Sunday, May 7, 1 pm at the West Martello Fort. Program featuring Tom Kuligowski begins at 1:30.

The Book of Orchids: A Life-Size Guide to Six Hundred Species from around the World Hardcover $40 at Amazon. Link

[Legal Fees] Superintendent Porter: I have been informed that a hearing will be held in July regarding litigation between MCSD and Kathy Reitzel.  That hearing is likely to be followed by a trial in August, possibly a week long, with attendant legal expenses.

Would you please tell me the total amount of legal charges that the District has incurred in its litigation with Kathy Reitzel over the years.  Phrased differently, would you please provide me in response to a Public Records Request copies of all legal bills, including those of Michael Burke, that the District has received in litigating with Kathy Reitzel.  I assume that these records are maintained in a singular subject file such that very little research should be required to resurrect them.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

[Deer Ed Sued] I’ve watched every episode of Law & Order since it first began back in 1992. I’ve studied every court proceeding of every episode meticulously. I’m willing to represent Deer Ed free of charge during this court drama he’s facing. “Objection your honor”, “Leading the witness your honor”, “Hearsay your honor”, “Hypothetical cross examination, your honor” Will be most of the vocabulary I will be using to get you off Scott free.

[Tree Trimming] If a tree or vegetation is interfering or posing a potential threat to power lines or electrical equipment you may submit a Tree Trim Request. Remember, FKEC is only responsible for trimming vegetation around Co-op electrical lines and equipment. The Cooperative will not trim vegetation that does not pose threats to electrical lines and equipment. Submit Online Tree Trim Request or call 305.852.2431
[Sloan Homeless] If Sloan really didn’t want to be homeless he’s get a job as a law clerk or some menial job, from a lawyer, writing briefs or just simple legal documents. If he really didn’t want to be homeless he could work washing dishes. Homeless people are homeless because they have mental problems. Will Sloan admit he has mental problems (“they” never do).

[Deer Abby] On Wed. May 3 I found Nicole Le Munyon Logan’s fishing license blowing across the Marathon Home Depot parking lot. It shows a PO Box in Summerland Key. I’ve been unable to locate her in the phone book or online.
Signed, Lost in the Keys

Deer Lost:  Phone books are obsolete because most people have cellphones and no land lines to list, so mail it to her PO Box in Summerland.

[Wisteria Island] “Get out of the tent!” Joe Sanders had just woken up to deputies yelling orders. As he peers through the slit in his tent his eye suddenly focuses on the barrel of a deputy’s gun 6 inches away and pointed straight at him. Now, according to the federal government, Joe had pitched his tent on public land. Did he have a permit? Looks like the evil developers have the coppers on their side again to drive out the riffraff so they can build, build, build more hotels and resorts for more money, money, money. The only freedom the poor have in America is a free bullet from some Badge Syndrome moron.
[Friday Joke] Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

[Redneck Vacations in the Keys] This Tennessee redneck blocked the boat & trailer parking lot on SR4 and went fishing. It doesn’t take a blind man to see no one can maneuver a boat and trailer in the space he left. The trailer didn’t have license plates, but I don’t think they’re required in Tenn. I don’t think you have to register a boat there or even title it–rednecks.
[Friday Joke] Another falsehood from the FKAA website: Wastewater Mission Statement. As a leader in the industry, the FKAA Wastewater Team provides an evolving, proactive operation, which creates nutrient free effluent and high quality reclaimed water. As stewards of the community, we provide these services in a safe and environmentally friendly way. The Team does this economically, emphasizing fiscal responsibility.
[“Did Underseas Dive Shop close”] They closed because the owner died of cancer.
[Deer Ed Sued] You can always start a new CT with a Sign In notice stating no liabilities, etc! (Ed: Thanks, but you can’t waiver responsibility. I’m learning libel law the hard way.)

Wouldn’t it be irony if you did your family tree and found out you were just like one of the people you hate?

How long has the anemometer at Sombrero Light been down? The radar picture is also down (again). I’m thinking they’ll get that back up, uh… never. Honestly, how do these people not get fired? I wish I could have a job where I could produce piss poor performance and still get paid. Oh yeah, it’s Government.




[Uke Nite at the “NUT”] Wednesday May 10th. Check out this video that was filmed for “Art Loft” on TV. Video

Diet soda has now been linked to strokes as well as dementia and, ironically, weight gain with unhealthiest types of fat. Plus, it will physically shrink your brain. Yes, the headshrinkers of Borneo have nothing on the big soda companies who can shrink your head from the inside out–sort of.
[Friday Joke] Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Desperate.Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: Ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2.
Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In- Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0.Good luck!
~Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store, down town Pine Key
[Photography Club] Looking for a new adventure?  We invite you to attend the Florida Keys National Wildlife Refuges Photography Club meeting.  We welcome everyone, from beginners wanting to learn, to experienced photographers who want to share their expertise.   Together we’ll explore the natural areas of the Florida Keys looking for great photography opportunities and stories to share. Bring 3-5 photos to share.  Learn about our upcoming field trips and photo classes.  We’ll have all photos from the 2017 Refuge Photo Contest on display for your enjoyment.  The meeting is scheduled for Wednesday, May 10th, 6:30-8:00 P.M. at the National Key Deer Refuge Visitor Center in the Winn-Dixie plaza on Big Pine Key.  For more information, contact Kristie @ 305-304-9625.  Facebook: Florida Keys Wildlife Refuges Photography Club. Attached photograph: Dr Doug Mader / Reddish Egret Reflection
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.  ~Darwin

[Don’t fret over a missed opportunity] This information was posted last year: In April 1976, Ronald Wayne (middle) was the third co-founder and 10 percent shareholder of Apple Computer. For reasons that are both interesting and relevant to today’s discussion, he sold his stake for a mere $800. Had he held onto to it, that 10 percent stake would today be worth $62.93 billion of Apple stock

[Deer Ed Sued] Dear Ed, Sing this out loud, it may cheer you up: Lawyers… what are they good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again… good God almighty… (unless you need one to defend against another one)


The ultimate pizza quiz. Play

Neil deGrasse Tyson on God. Video
Dictators don’t do propaganda to make you believe something. They do it to make you believe nothing
[Fort Zach Brick Booths 1.8 million Dollars] I saw in the Keys News that the new entrance is open at Fort Zach. The Keys News said the new brick entrance booths were $1.8 million. Would someone post a picture? I can’t believe the booths would be 1.8 mill as I was thinking it was the entire project! That’s what the Keys News article reported: “Visitors will soon take a new approach to history at Fort Zachary Taylor State Park, as state park officials held a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new $1.8 million brick entrance booths on Tuesday.”
Resist, insist, persist, enlist.  ~Hillary Clinton


[Moving Sale] Ave. C and Sands Road Saturday 5/6 8-noon. Household goods, clothes from children to adults. Couches, Fishing gear, etc.

[Sewers] For those that may still trust FKAA, consider this: The Monroe County Wastewater Master Plan compared the relative cost of vacuum, centrifugal grinder pumps, and progressive cavity grinder pumps for various sized “collection basins” as an alternative system to conventional gravity sewers. In every single case, the progressive cavity grinder pump was the least cost effective. Centrifugal grinder pumps are made by many manufacturers and can be purchased from many sources.
The progressive cavity grinder pump was only made by one company (E/One) that restricts all sales to only its regional distributor. In the last few years, other manufacturers have produced a drop-in replacement for the E/One so there are now better quality choices, but none of them recommend this weird type pump for a new collection system.
So why do you suppose that the most expensive alternative system, available from only one source, was chosen and sole-sourced for the Cudjoe Regional?
I just heard that you can get your welfare checks and any other free money from the state and feds auto-deposited to you bank account. Is this true? I guess your Caddy burns too much gas to go to the bank!
The radar picture is down again. I wonder how long it will take them to get someone to fix it this time?
Self-driving cars are going to be a disaster, but the companies making them will suck grant money from us tax payers for years to come. It is a racket like everything else these days. Why don’t they start a Driverless Vehicle Church and pay no taxes at all too?
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